Archive of Our Own

"Merlin! Get your fat ass over here!"

With a well-practiced snicker, Gwaine chuckled at the requested boy in question before clapping his shoulder. "You'd better see what the princess wants, eh?"

"It seems like it", he replied with a grin of his own.

"Merlin!"

They rolled their eyes simultaneously as Merlin began a half-hearted jog over to where the voice came from. The forest was thick with ensnaring roots lining the green ground, the first weeks of a sunny spring having been enough to envelop nature in a cardigan of warm colours.

"You sought my presence, my lord", Merlin said with one of the most exaggerated bows he'd ever performed. He grinned when he glanced up to see the corners of his friend's lips tug towards the sky.

When he noticed that he was observed, however, Arthur immediately scowled instead. "There you are, you imbecile." He pointedly crossed his arms and stomped with his foot, as if hordes of precious time had just been wasted, although Merlin knew that it was mostly for show. "We need to hurry up with the food - we can't wait too long before continuing."

Merlin smiled lopsidedly at his king, who seemed to shine like a God as the sun's midday rays shadowed his figure, and nodded. They were here for a reason other than to simply bicker, after all, so he went to what was about to be a hastily-made campfire and began to line up the meat that they'd gathered a little while earlier.

There were still a few days of travel by horseback left until they'd reach their destination; a small village in the absolute outskirts of the kingdom, from where gossip had begun to spread that some sort of magical beast had made its home in the nearby woods. Not even Gaius could give a definitive answer as to what the creature was, exactly, and Merlin's stomach tied itself into nervous knots as he wondered what exactly they were going to meet when they arrived.

"Everything alright, Merlin?" Elyan smiled at him as he settled down by the fire with Percival in tow. He looked a little exhausted, and Merlin smiled at them. They'd barely slept half the time of a normal night since Arthur demanded that they needed to reach the village as soon as possible. He didn't say the reason outright, but everyone knew that he was worried that the beast would travel further into the heart of Camelot, eventually causing even more destruction to the kingdom.

"It always is, isn't it?" Merlin shot the men a tired smile as he lit the campfire. Only when Percival drew in a breath did he realise that he'd done it without hands.

"Wow, that was quick." The voice belonged to Arthur, and now it was Merlin who drew in a breath as he spun around on his heels and laughed in a way that was in no way suspicious at all.

"Yes!" He exclaimed in falsetto like a normal person, observing Arthur's carefully raised eyebrow in slight distress. "It was... very hot wood."

Arthur crossed his arms. "Hot wood?"

"Indeed." Merlin nodded emphatically, and glared at Elyan and Percival until they began to mimic his nods and mumble in agreement.

It seemed as if Arthur's lips tugged up for the briefest of moments, before he shook his head and turned to leave. Something about "bloody idiot" could be heard through his back. Merlin released a deep breath and received difficult expressions from the two knights.

"You'd better not do any more mishaps like that", Percival told him, and Merlin could only agree. It was barely a fortnight ago that he'd found out, himself, and it was reasonable that he was still a bit shaky whenever Merlin's magic was displayed. Still, the hesitance that crinkled the corners of Percy's eyes did little to comfort him.

Elyan seemed to notice Merlin's slight distress, because he gave Percival a clap on the shoulder and said something in a low tone about "Merlin keeping it under control."

It was strange, though, was it not? Merlin zoned out as they ate a short while later, thinking about how all of the knights knew of his secret by now, as well as Gwen and Gaius of course, but not the person that he would never vocally admit was the one he cared for the most. Arthur was and had always been an ass, of course, but he was also courageous and fair. Merlin had spent countless nights rolling over in bed, wondering if it was possible for the former prince and now king to accept magic into Camelot. No matter how much he thought about it, though, the result was always the same; it wasn't. Not after his own failing to save Uther under the guise of being an ancient sorcerer; not after Morgana’s countless attempts to take over the throne with the power of magic. It was a losing game, and Merlin had no choice but to keep playing his part in silence.

"Something on your mind, Merlin?"

Merlin snapped his head up quickly enough that his muscles made a snapping sound that made Gwaine chuckle beside him. "What? No, no, I'm just… philosophising."

Arthur raised an eyebrow at him, since that seemed to be his absolutely favourite hobby in the entire world, at least when his manservant was around. "Really? What about?"

"Horses." Merlin had very blatantly looked around to find the first thing he saw to use as a lie, and even though his king seemed not to buy it, he didn't outright accuse him of lying.

"And what philosophies has your tiny little brain conjured up about horses, then?" He asked, and his question had an undertone of humour to it that made the other knights chuckle and look between the two men; a dance they very often found themselves performing during quests like this.

"That, uh, if we were to get caught in a snow-storm, for example, then we could probably slice one up and hide within them to gain warmth."

Arthur blinked exactly once. "Merlin, it's spring", he said with emphasis, "not a cold winter. And that's not philosophy, that's…"

"Cruelty?" Leon shot in, and everyone nodded in amused agreement.

Merlin laughed with them and played it all off as him being a dork, but he noticed how Arthur's eyes lingered on him during the rest of the meal. He was observant when he wanted to be, unfortunately.

They didn't stay for very long before venturing deeper into the forest, everyone with at least somewhat of a frown creasing their foreheads at the journey ahead.

Soon, though, Arthur raised a hand to make everyone halt in silence. Merlin's pulse rose, his head swinging this way and that in search of whatever it was that his king had heard. He didn't like to admit it even to himself, but his king's senses were better than his own.

It was silent around them, barely even any sounds of the birds singing about the first days without snow. The knights drew their swords as quietly as they could, and Merlin grasped the saddle his horse was wearing tighter in anticipation.

Suddenly, a man clad in black materialised from behind the bushes, quickly followed by what seemed to be an entire band of thieves, everyone sprinting towards them with raised knives and swords. The knights backed away from the bandits who seemed to have no regard for the large horses they were mounted upon, and as one of them sliced at the leg of Elyan's horse, most knights descended their mounts to protect their four-legged friends.

The silence was overtaken by grunts of effort, but for the most part, the bandits kept quiet, and Merlin wondered why. Were there other dangers around that they didn't want to draw attention from?

"Merlin, watch out!"

He turned and tugged at the straps to make his horse take a few steps to the side just in time to avoid an arrow being shot at him. He glanced up in slight panic, having missed that the bandits had artillery as well. There were at least three masked figures with crossbows hiding behind two large rocks. Quickly, Merlin looked around at the riot to see if anyone was observing him before letting the rocks move and roll onto the enemies, effectively crushing them beneath the heavy weight.

Turning back, he watched just in time to see Arthur pierce his sword through an attacker that was about to slice Merlin's horse, and yelled; "thank you!"

The bandits were outnumbering the knights, but the men were in great form as they'd eaten just before, and Merlin only had to make a few of the bandits trip or drop their weapons for the knights to call it an easy success when the last of them finally drew their last breath.

"Phew", Gwaine said as he used his arm to wipe off the sweat from his forehead, some of his long hair sticking to his damp face. "What the hell was their problem?"

Arthur caught his breath as he surveyed the area for more enemies, and shook his head. "We're getting close to the border", he said. "Even though this is officially Camelot's land, some people would rather belong to the neighboring settlements. I think we conquered this area only fourteen years or so ago."

Percival snorted. "How recent."

Arthur shrugged. "Some might think so." He closed the eyelids of a dead bandit at his feet. "We need to be extra observant from now on. Make sure you have each other's backs."

Merlin nodded along with the knights, his heartbeat not quite slowing down. He looked at his king with the same sense of pride he always did when he was reminded of how good he really was; born to be king, but shaping up to be a just and reasonable one. Even covered in mud and dirt as he was after all of the melted snow, the rays of the sun seeked him out through the branches, letting its light shine upon his blonde hair so that he looked like a painting - or a concept - more than a man.

Even a while after they'd left the area, Merlin's pulse was still beating quickly when he looked at the back of his king. And it didn't exactly calm down when he came to ride beside his own horse.

"Are you alright, Merlin?" He asked, even though Merlin hadn't even really needed to dismount his horse during the fight.

"Of course", he replied. "There's nothing more rejuvenating than seeing some blood and death every now and then."

Arthur shot him a weird look before shaking his head. "I'm glad that you're fine. Although, I must say that we were lucky." He looked straight into Merlin's eyes when they both turned to face each other. "Those rocks. They fell down to slow our followers down." He raised an eyebrow and seemed to search for something within Merlin's gaze. "How come?"

Merlin immediately looked away, pretending to carefully guide his horse across some pebbles so as not to seem too suspicious. "I don't know", he replied and shrugged for extra measure. "Percival is strong. He probably just had to punch the base of the hill a few times for them to start rolling."

Arthur snorted, and Merlin could feel his gaze penetrate his side.

"Right", he replied after an eternity. "I'm sure that's exactly what happened."

As the sun set quicker than any of them would've liked, they had to lower their speed so as not to risk their horses tripping over roots on the ground. While the snow had mostly melted, there were still icy spots here and there on the ground that had already scared them off from keeping too quick of a pace. Still, they trudged forward while there was still the tiniest of light left before them, and then continued when Merlin was certain that he heard something in the distance.

They hid the horses in a small patch concealed by a few juniper bushes that were thick and barely see-through before quietly investigating the cause of the sounds.

"Do you think that it's the village?" Elyan asked Arthur as they were all soon sure that it was the distant sound of voices ahead.

"It can't be. We're still half a day’s ride from it, at the very least."

"It's definitely a village, at least", Percy supplied, making the others snort.

They crept closer, and Merlin didn't let his guard down for a second. As they'd already been attacked in these woods, chances were high that whoever these people were, they didn't necessarily enjoy seeing the golden crest of the reigning monarch billowing on their capes.

"Hang on, is that what I think it is?" Leon asked when they neared the closest building; a small cottage with light dancing across the roots from the windows. Music, laughter and voices were heard from within, creating cozy background noises over their hideout by the tree line.

Gwaine's lips stretched from one ear to the other, and he quickly led the way forward, turning only to smirk at the group. "If there's one thing I know how to find, it's a tavern."

Although they didn't completely let their guards down, the knights laughed as they followed their friend's eager steps towards the door, smiling as the noises from inside spilled out as Gwaine slung the door open to reveal a surprisingly large but still very cosy tavern. This far from the capital, it was probably one of the only places people could come to meet up after a day or week of hard work. Here, farmers were laughing and drinking, almost completely drowning out the sounds of a few old men playing a tune on some instruments opposite of the bar.

Gwaine approached the bartender with confident steps and didn't waste any time before shamelessly flirting with them, much to the knights' amusement. The others settled into a booth in the corner of the tavern, and Merlin ended up beside Arthur, pressed rather close to fit Elyan on his other side on the uncomfortable wooden slab of a bench.

"Get me an ale, will you?" Arthur asked Percival who was about to save the bartender from Gwaine with a nod.

Merlin shifted in his seat, pressed close to his two friends rather uncomfortably, but that didn't stop him from poking Arthur in his hip.

"See, I've told you that your middle has gotten bigger. You're taking up all the space!"

Arthur rolled his eyes and poked back. "I'm not fat, Merlin! It's the armour that's big, which you'd know if you weren't too scrawny to be strong enough to wear it yourself."

Leon and Elyan rolled their eyes at each other while their king and his manservant kept bickering until Percival and Gwaine slapped down ales to everyone around the table.

"My head's too large to fit in the armour, on account of how much smarter I am than you", Merlin was saying before thanking the men for the drink.

Arthur scoffed. "The only thing you have that's too big is your impudence, Merlin."

"It's better than having too fat of an ass."

"My ass is not too big! Hey, stop laughing!"

The knights seemed to really appreciate a break from the action that happened to follow their every move during this quest, and Merlin could only agree. His cheeks began to hurt after a while of smiling and laughing too much, but he wasn't about to complain. He'd soon finished his drink, and, feeling comfortable in the company of his dear friends, filled it again without much thought. Only when he met Leon's gaze that tried to will away the panic from his eyes did Merlin realise his fatal mistake. He'd conjured the ale with his magic. He glanced perhaps suspiciously quickly at Arthur, who was making a sort of half-smirk, before his gaze neutralised and turned into more of a frown.

"Hang on", he said. "I thought your glass was empty a minute ago."

"Uh, yes, well, it's…" Merlin gesticulated to emphasise the point he definitely had in mind. "…I had it in my mouth, so I spat it out again."

There was silence around the table for a few minutes, before the knights erupted into hysterical laughter, with Gwaine going as far as to slap his palm against the tabletop hard enough that the neighboring company began to yell at him to quiet down.

"Hang on", Arthur said, still frowning but now letting the corner of his mouth tug upwards. "You spewed it back into the glass?"

"Uh, no, I spat it out. It never entered my stomach."

Around them, the hysterics continued, and Arthur looked equal parts amused and disgusted. "There's something seriously wrong with you, Merlin."

Merlin grinned, and his cheeks were flushed. If the options were between Arthur thinking he was a disgusting weirdo or a sorcerer, then the choice was an easy one. Still, he made sure to only receive more ale through the bar after that, and tried not to think too much of Arthur's gaze that he felt on his side throughout the evening.

It was nice to be able to release some of the tension in his shoulders, Merlin thought, but it was obvious that none of the assembled knights of Camelot were truly carefree in this village so close to the kingdom's border. The ache from the fight with the bandits was pounding across their skin, and Merlin felt Arthur's knee bob up and down nervously just beside his own. For a while, it was fine, but as time went on, the motion became more and more annoying until he finally snapped.

"Go out for a run if you can't sit still, you restless buffoon!" It came out louder than intended, and effectively quieted down the others around the table before they immediately began to make inappropriate coos at the pair who rolled their eyes at their antics.

"I can stay still!" Arthur retorted like a petulant child, then quickly continued when everyone's laughter made him feel as such. "I'm not the one swaying in my seat like a drunkard!"

Immediately, Merlin composed himself, not even having noticed that he was, indeed, swaying back and forth like a drunkard. He shot his king a very mature look. "I'd think you've got ants in your pants, your majesty", he said and even made a sort of mock bow in his seat. "But I know for a fact that those pants of yours are tight enough that not even an insect can make its way inside."

Arthur threw his hands in the air before ruffling Merlin's head harshly, making his hair stand out at all ends. Everyone laughed, including Merlin, until he suddenly froze. Because as Arthur moved, he felt the muscles and warmth in his palm. He wasn't sure when, but he had undoubtedly clasped Arthur's thigh, and now he was feeling the strong muscles beneath the thin material of his pants. He gulped, but didn't drag it away - thinking that if he did, it would be proof that he thought of it as more than a simple touch between good friends. So it remained there. Painfully noticing how firm and warm his king was.

His king.

Merlin laughed with his friends, but within his head, all he could hear was the mixed sounds of his and Arthur's heartbeats. He believed in his king; thought of him as the greatest monarch who had ever lived. But never before had he seen Arthur as unapproachable. If anything, the man had been too present at times - never letting Merlin take a break from the constant tasks he threw his way.

But now, as Merlin swallowed around a lump in his throat that consisted of all the lies he'd told over the years, it felt as if his king was untouchable. It was a funny feeling, considering that he definitely was touching him. But without having told Arthur who he really was, it felt like yet another lie.

Merlin loved his king, and he knew that - far down and deep within himself which he'd never ever reveal to anyone - Arthur believed that he loved Merlin, too. But Merlin knew the truth; he knew that he didn't love him. He knew that he couldn't. Because how can you love something of which you can't see the whole picture? You can't love just half a painting without seeing it whole even once.

Or so Merlin thought, at least.

Sharing a room with his king was certainly nothing new to Merlin, who'd slept on the floor beside Arthur probably as many times as there were days in a year. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something had shifted between them, now. It had been easy to touch each other so much under the pretence that it was inevitable due to their forced proximity down in the pub, but now there were no such excuses.

They stood in a tiny room beside many identical ones in a corridor above the tavern, the laughter and voices of the guests below barely muffled by the rough wooden planks beneath their feet. 

Merlin swallowed, and despite the sounds from below, he thought that it sounded loud enough to echo around the small room they found themselves in. He glanced at Arthur, and drew in a sharp breath. Arthur was looking right at him with flushed cheeks, his hands balled into fists as if to hinder them from reaching towards something. His gaze was penetrating and hard to decipher.

"There's just one bed", Merlin noted, which, again, was nothing they hadn't encountered before. "Could you at least spare me a blanket?" He gestured to a spot on the floor that seemed to be the least dirty, and took off his shoes when Arthur didn't reply. After a while, he glanced up again, and noticed that Arthur hadn't moved at all, still staring into his eyes. He tried to laugh it off and looked away again, shrugging off his shirt to get ready for bed. "Hey, what's got you so stiff?"

When he still didn't get a response, his mind began to wander. He thought back to the silly excuse he'd made when he'd carelessly filled his glass with magic. That was so stupid! Why had he been so irresponsible? What if Arthur had figured it all out now, and was waiting for a good opportunity to smash his face against the wall? His pulse rose, and he barely noticed that his hands had started to fidget with the hem of his trousers before he felt two warm hands encircle his own.

"What-"

"Merlin." Arthur's breath was hot against the side of his face, and he glanced up to see the same penetrating gaze as before, although now accompanied by a worried frown. "This is… where did you get these scars from?" His voice lowered significantly, and the loud sound of Merlin's heartbeat in his ears almost drowned out his words completely. "Who did this to you?"

Merlin's cheeks grew warm when he glanced down and observed what Arthur was seeing. He'd been shirtless in his presence before, but there had always been distractions or a hurriedness to fall asleep those times. He was so used to them now that he barely registered the scars that ran in all directions around his stomach and lower arms. Some were large while others were not. "It resembles a canvas", Gwen had told him once when she'd barged into his quarters without knocking. He'd liked that portrayal, but now he wondered if that was too generous of a description.

Realising that he'd been quiet for too long, Merlin cleared his throat and chuckled awkwardly in an attempt to rid them of the seriousness that had laid itself like a veil over their shoulders.

"Ah, haha, well, you know… I tend to get caught up in fights at the tavern every so often." It was only somewhat of a lie, and in a moment of quick thinking he added: "Gwaine can vouch for me."

Arthur glanced up slightly, then down to Merlin's rib cage again. He let a finger slowly trace the visible line of the largest scar; one that stretched from below his pants up to the base of his chest. Merlin had to bite down harshly to avoid a surprised gasp from falling out of his mouth, and he would've expected Arthur to comment on it, had he not seemed rather transfixed on the markings in the skin.

"Arhur", he breathed out, wanting to feel the warmth of those hands around his own again. He wished that it was all simple; that there were no hindrances between them. No distances.

No secrets.

Because the scars themselves carried all sorts of stories he could not tell. Stories containing fights and grievances pertaining to his encounters in the role of a sorcerer. They stemmed from him protecting Arthur, of course, but also travels to gain intel every now and then, and the unavoidable encounters with Morgana. More times than he could count had he found himself at the wrong end of a sword or the wrong side of a magic user, and his body had paid for it. Still, it wasn't as if Arthur's body was clear of similar scraps and scars; they were both men who had lived adventurous lives, so it was only natural that it showed.

"Arthur", he said once more, this time managing to let a playful smile adorn his lips, as he tried yet again to break the tension by being funny. "You're gawking. I know I look good but you have to-"

His words died out when his lips were muffled. For the briefest of seconds, he thought that Arthur had decided to snuff him out after all - his secret unveiled - but then he realised…

Arthur was kissing him.

Arthur was kissing him. With lips and all!

It was brief, and before Merlin had time to process what was happening completely, Arthur was by the other end of the room, looking more panicked than he'd perhaps ever seemed.

"That was… I don't… I… I'm drunk, I didn't mean to…"

Merlin blinked. His fear that Arthur had found out about his magic was slowly turning into something worse; a feeling that twisted his stomach and made his insides throb painfully.

Guilt.

"You don't have to explain yourself", he said, still feeling the tenderness of Arthur's lips upon his own. He was giddy, elated, that Arthur liked him this much, but… he didn't know Merlin. Not all of him.

"It's… I didn't mean it."

Okay, that hurt Merlin more than he'd ever care to admit. The words stung him like an arrow piercing his chest, infecting him as much as the guilt within. He told himself that this was for the best; that Arthur wouldn't like him if he knew his secret. If he knew that he was a sorcerer, he'd never want to see him again, most likely. The kiss had been wonderful, but it was a false one; executed without all of the variables laid out. Or so Merlin told himself.

Arthur lingered for a while, perhaps giving Merlin time and space to intervene; to say that he enjoyed it, too, and that all was well.

But Merlin stayed quiet.

So Arthur nodded, once, his face completely expressionless. Then he opened the door, gave Merlin one last look, and left. And behind him, suddenly alone in the small room, Merlin fell to the bed and felt a lump as big as his lies form in his throat.

He'd fucked everything up.

They departed early the next morning, much to the complaints of the knights that had all stayed up late to drink. Arthur had too, of course, but he was powered by a force that didn't fail to impress everyone, and they dutifully followed their king to wake up and mount their horses just before the first rays of the sun hit the icy ground. It was a beautiful morning, only made somewhat ugly due to the awkwardness that Merlin felt. He hadn't been able to sleep at all that night, and while he wasn't sure what Arthur had told the other knights, he kept receiving sympathetic smiles from his friends that mostly felt like knives being twisted within his chest.

Arthur stubbornly pretended as if Merlin wasn't there, and that suited Merlin just fine. He knew that he wanted to tell his king - his friend - of his magic, but he wasn't sure if he was able to. Until then, it would be easier if they didn't speak, because then he wouldn't accidentally reveal the biggest lie in his life on a whim.

He swallowed thickly, and rode his horse quietly in the back of the group, not even managing to half-heartedly chuckle at Gwaine's awful jokes he kept telling.

It didn't feel like they had travelled for long when Arthur put up his hand by the front of their party to make everyone stop, but the location of the sun proved that the morning had already come and gone by then. Merlin, however sorrowful he felt, tensed up and perked his ears to figure out what it was that had made Arthur react. He narrowed his eyes as he felt rather than saw movement nearby. Was it really possible that they would be attacked by bandits again?

This felt like too much of a repeating pattern, but it was still true. A few cloaked figures emerged from behind Merlin, who acted quickly by making two of the handful men fall off their horses as soon as Percival neared them with his sword. The air went out of them, and made it easy for Elyan to pierce them with his own weapon. Could it really be that the reigning monarch was this disliked so far from the Capital, or did it have something to do with the magical beast?

"Merlin, get down!"

He immediately ducked his head, and heard the swooshing sound of an arrow just above him, only barely avoiding a graze to both his own and his horse's head. He fell rather than jumped down from his mount, and watched as Elyan and Arthur chased the archer while Percival and Gwaine sliced at the few remaining swordsmen. Feeling confident that Arthur's back was turned, he helped them by making the bandits trip to speed up the encounter.

"Nicely done", Gwaine complimented Merlin and clapped his shoulder as he tried to regain his breath.

"What do you mean? I didn't do anything." Merlin winked at Gwaine who laughed at his half-assed attempt at subtlety.

"And my name's sir princess Arthur of Camelot", he drawled. Then he looked around to make sure that the actual sir princess Arthur of Camelot wasn't within earshot. "Did you tell him, by the way?"

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Told him what?" He understood that it was his magic when he received a very long, very pointed, look of mild annoyance. "No, I didn't. Why?"

Now it was Gwaine who raised an eyebrow and nodded discretely in Arthur's direction. "He's been all weird since you two left together yesterday. More stiff than usual, I mean."

Merlin nodded and bit at his lower lip. "Really?" He said, trying to sound surprised. "I've got nothing to do with that, I'm sure."

Gwaine stared at him in doubt for quite a while, then shook his head and sighed. "Right. Just know that if he'd… you know… take the news badly, we're here for you, yeah?"

"Yeah." Merlin tried to smile reassuringly at his friend, but his insides tied themselves into knots as he thought about the possibility that Arthur would be so upset over him being a sorcerer that he'd try to hurt Merlin. It was such a frightening thought that he once more promised himself that he'd never tell his king. The consequences could be too horrible.

Lost in thoughts as he was, Merlin barely registered that Arthur walked up to him just as they were about to continue forward again. Only when he heard a very conscious cough did he look up to meet the gaze of his mildly irritated king.

"Merlin", he said before standing quiet for a while, as if he really wanted the word to hang between them for a while to marinate in tension.

"Yes, my lord?" It was a test to see if Arthur would roll his eyes or chuckle at the seldomly used titles - to see if everything was at least somewhat okay between them. But Arthur only raised his chin and continued speaking.

"Before, during the ambush. The enemies seemingly flew off their mounts."

Merlin's pulse rose, but he tried to play it off as him being an idiot by leaning his head to the side and pursing his lips. "Did they really?"

"They did." Arthur didn't seem to have time for Merlin's antics right now. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Do you have any idea what might have caused that?"

"Oh, well… it's a breezy spring. The winds tend to be very strong this time of year."

For a while, they simply stared at each other. Arthur's penetrating gaze meeting Merlin's goofy one. Finally, Arthur narrowed his eyes before shaking his head dismissively.

"Right", he mumbled, before raising his voice to be heard across the small clearing. "We'll keep riding. The village should be very close by now!"

It turned out that "very close" was very generously described, as it still took most of the day to reach the village with the magical beast. The sun had travelled across the sky, but still granted them the privilege of light as they finally reached their destination.

Almost as soon as they entered the village, Merlin drew in a sharp breath that made Gwaine shoot him a pointed look. There was a shift in the air, as if they had suddenly entered through a door. Or a thick wall of magic.

He felt like there was a pressure over his chest that made it hard to breathe, but the knights around him didn't seem to be feeling the same thing, so he tried his best to pretend like he wasn't getting choked by seemingly nothing but the air itself.

After leaving their horses by the treeline, the men cautiously began to investigate the village. It was very small; only consisting of a few houses scattered with generous spaces apart. Had the matter not been this serious, the king would probably never have gone here himself in favour of sending a few guards in his stead. But it was serious, Merlin felt it in every part of his skin - tingling like the tickle of a feather, and he was beginning to fear what kind of grotesque bird the source was.

"Knights!" The sharp sound of a human voice made everyone startle in the otherwise quiet afternoon. An old man that had trouble walking was hurrying towards them as quickly as his fragile body would let him. "Knights of Camelot?"

"I'm King Arthur of Camelot, and these are my most trusted knights, yes." Even when the sun was hiding behind the clouds, it seemed as if its rays still shone to highlight Arthur's frame, as if even the sky itself perceived him as the glorious leader he was becoming.

"Oh, I'm so thankful, I am", the man said and nodded vigorously. "We kept sending our young ones to get help, we did, but none ever came." He released a shaky breath, and Arthur clasped his shoulder reassuringly.

"We came as soon as we could. It's a fair way from the capital, though, and I apologize that we've made you worry." It was his most diplomatic voice, one that Merlin always enjoyed listening to. Only, instead of being able to hear the rest of the conversation, something tugged at the edges of his perception, like someone waving just on the edge of his peripheral vision.

He turned around, and was enveloped by blackness.

Blinking, he tried in vain to see anything at all, wondering for a split second if the sun had been blocked by the moon. But no, his rising heartbeat told him, this was something else.

He called for Arthur, but when he opened his mouth, it felt as if coldness itself entered him - spreading through his insides in a way that made him fall to his knees and grasp at his sides in panic. It was so surreal, and he wondered if this was a dream - or rather a nightmare.

There was no single voice that spoke to him. It rather felt as if utterances were thrown at him haphazardly from all around him, without a clear source at all. At first it was mumbles, groans and whispers that only accelerated his unease. But then they began to form words, and Merlin's neck whipped this way and that to find their origin; to make them shut up. But he found only darkness, and the darkness had definitely found him.

"He'll never accept you", a fleeting voice sounded in Merlin's ear.

"They will shun you", another one said.

"Magic has no place in Camelot."

"You should be ashamed." 

And like this it continued; each sentence seemingly uttered from a different voice, all of them so close to his ears yet also far enough away that he could never reach out and touch whomever was speaking.

"A decade of lies."

"Pathetic."

"You'll be forever alone, boy."

"Never fitting in anywhere."

"Too civil to be a druid, too savage to be a man."

Merlin felt like tearing his hair out, since it didn't make any difference if he covered his ears or not. Yet, he managed to keep himself intact, thinking that if he'd manage to hurt himself he would be doing these beasts a favour.

"He thinks you're repulsive."

This made Merlin draw in a breath, then he shook his head vehemently again. He tried to ignore it as he thought of ways to escape the grasp of what he now was certain was the magical beast they'd come to slay. 

"Your scars borne from lies… they're disgusting."

Merlin shut his eyes harshly, trying in vain to rid himself of the implications of which the weird voices spoke. Pictures of Arthur, angry and screaming at him, danced before his vision, and he cursed himself for letting it get to him. Logically, he'd begun to understand that the magical beast had sought him out, perhaps because of his powers, and was trying to weaken him so that he wouldn't be strong enough to slay it - an amalgamation feeding on his insecurities and distress. But emotionally, it was, much to his dismay, sort of working.

"The servant thinks he's got a chance to be with a king?" The voices began to laugh, cackling like hens in an enclosure too small; the hurtful noise seemingly echoing forever in the vast space Merlin found himself in.

"You're a liar."

"You don't deserve him. You never did."

"Merlin?"

Merlin jerked his head up in surprise. That voice didn't belong to the others.

"You're a fool for pursuing him."

"Merlin!"

The voices tried to drown out the one calling his name, attempting to keep him enclosed in this prison of mental anguish. But they didn't succeed, and as his name was shouted with more and more determination, Merlin's confidence grew.

"Merlin!" Arthur was calling for him.

Everything around Merlin was darker than any colour he'd ever seen in his life, but he trusted the feeling of his body rather than his sight when he climbed to his feet and drew in slow breaths to calm his racing heart. He'd pushed down his feelings for so long, he realised, that lying had become his second nature. He'd managed to forget how painful it was to conceal the truth for his best friend - the man he loved - and had simply adjusted to the constant ache of his heart.

He couldn't hear the hurtful voices anymore. Not because they had stopped shouting at him, but because Arthur's encouraging voice spoke louder. Merlin had never asked to be born with magic, but he had decided to be by Arthur's side by himself.

He drew in a last breath and shut his eyes a final time.

Then, he exploded.

"Merlin? Merlin? Merlin!"

His ears were ringing, and it certainly didn't help when he suddenly felt something slap his cheek harshly. He groaned as his jaw began to ache, and felt himself being jostled awake. Slowly, he opened his eyes.

It was dark, but yards away from the enveloping darkness he'd just experienced. Treetops drew patterns across the dimly starlit sky. In the foreground, he spotted a mop of light hair, and realised that his head was cushioned in Arthur's lap. He grinned.

"I know you like me, but it's a little soon for me to be all up in your crotch, isn't it?"

Immediately, he was pushed onto the cold ground, but he laughed at the sputter that his king managed to get out.

"You're impossible", Arthur grumbled, but still sat beside him.

Merlin's entire body ached, and he lay still for a while until his head stopped pounding quite as much until he slowly propped himself up on his elbows. The pair was sitting in the forest, a few lights far away the only hint that they were still somewhat close to the village. They were alone, but Arthur didn't seem alert or scared, so Merlin didn't stress about it.

They were quiet for a while. Staring at the sky and stealing glances at each other when they thought that the other didn't notice. But finally, Arthur cleared his throat.

"You did good, Merlin." His voice was calm - almost monotonous. "I came to rescue you, but you didn't need any help, of course. You slew the beast. You always do."

Slowly, cold crept into Merlin's body, flowing through his blood until he was nearly shaking.

Arthur knew.

"Arthur, I can explain!"

"Can you?" His tone was harsher now, and Merlin winced as if he'd been punched. "What's your explanation, then? That you trust everyone else more than you trust me?"

The words hung in the air between them for a while, and for a short amount of time the only thing that could be heard was Arthur's harsh breathing as he tried to calm himself after his outburst. Within Merlin, something began to flutter.

"Arthur, I trust you more than anyone in the world. You know I do."

"But you don't." Arthur was still sounding angry, as if it was he who had been carrying a bag of bottled-up emotions rather than Merlin. "Or else you wouldn't have… whatever."

Merlin narrowed his eyes, not quite understanding what Arthur meant.

Even though he was growing increasingly sure that his king knew the truth by now, it was still hard to tell him. He built courage, but it was difficult to utter the words. Finally, all he could manage was a whisper.

"I have magic, Arthur."

It was dark around them, but Merlin still managed to see that he rolled his eyes at him. He rolled his eyes at him? Merlin had been afraid - terrified even - of telling the truth to his king, and he was rolling his eyes at him?

"Yeah, yeah", was his reply. "I know. And I'm the last person in the world you planned on revealing it to."

Merlin's mouth formed into a surprised O as he began to realise. It wasn't the magic itself that Arthur was mad about - it was that he'd deliberately been lied to.

He shot Merlin a quick glance then immediately looked away and shrugged. "I mean, I suppose that I get it", he said, his voice sounding a little disappointed. "I'm your king and you're a servant. It's every employee's duty to dislike their employer, isn't it?"

Merlin was still a little too shocked to react quickly, and panicked when Arthur began to rise to his feet to leave.

"Arthur, I do like you, of course I do!"

"But not more than Elyan and Percy? Or Leon and Guinevere?"

"Hey, it's rude to make me choose which of my friends I like more, and they're all your most trusted advisors!"

"Yes, well… I'm your king, and… and I thought that I was your best friend." Because you are mine went unsaid.

Merlin swallowed around a painful lump in his throat. His body was cold again, afraid as it had been so very often that he would lose Arthur. He needed to say the right thing, but that was not his greatest strength.

"I love you, Arthur."

Well, shit. What a way to sound completely normal, Merlin, he cursed himself.

Arthur stood very still for very long. Merlin barely dared to breathe.

"Your actions tell me otherwise."

"Wait, what?" Merlin frowned. "What actions?" Almost everything he'd ever used his magic for was Arthur - to make sure that he was alright, because Camelot needed him almost as much as Merlin himself needed him.

Arthur groaned. "Don't make me say it."

"Say what?" He was genuinely confused.

"Well, you seemed rather repulsed when I…" He cleared his throat awkwardly. "In the tavern. Upstairs."

The kiss. Merlin hadn't kissed Arthur back and had let him go without a fight, and he'd taken it personally. Merlin's heart swelled at the silly, silly man that stood in front of him. He began to laugh, which made Arthur groan.

"Arthur", he said, and rose to his own slightly unsteady feet to stand before him. "I haven't felt like myself for quite a while. It… felt wrong to lead you on when all I am is a giant lie. I… I'm sorry, Arthur."

"You're ridiculous", he replied with a sigh. "You always have a flair for the dramatics, Merlin. 'All I am is a giant lie', my ass."

Merlin couldn't help the laughter that escaped his mouth at this. And it felt good to laugh with his truth finally laid bare for Arthur to see, even if it seemed as if he already knew much more than he'd led on.

"I thought… well, can you blame me?" Arthur was walking in a small circle now, obviously about as uncomfortable by discussing emotions as Merlin felt. "I thought that you didn't like me very much - that i overstepped. Not that… you felt guilty for not telling me that you have magic."

Merlin felt the corners of his mouth stretch out towards his large ears. He was completely unable to stop their ascent. Arthur rolled his eyes at him again.

"Stop that", he said. "Genuinely, Merlin, stop looking at me like that, or I might forgive everything."

"Oh, I'm sorry but I can't", he replied. "You see, I have a disease that's awfully contagious. It's called 'I can't stop smiling because I know that you like me'-disease."

"Sounds fatal", Arthur drawled, but stopped his anxious walk when Merlin took a step closer.

They were facing each other, standing very close indeed. It was quiet around them, as the birds returning for spring were going to sleep during the night. Their combined breaths were loud, and if their eyes could exchange words they would be louder. 

"Well then", Merlin said and ignored the tug at Arthur’s lips when Merlin’s gaze fell to rest on said lips a little too long. "It seems that my secret hasn't been as much of a secret after all."

Arthur snorted, his eyes searching Merlin's face for something. "I mean, you're not exactly a master at concealing the truth."

Merlin ignored his impudence. "You're the king of Camelot, though." He swallowed thickly, although it was not a lump of shame stuck in his throat this time. "It's up to you to decide what to do with me."

"Always such a dramatic", Arthur said and rolled his eyes. But his hands lifted from his sides slowly, cautiously, waiting for a sign that they were wanted. Merlin rolled his eyes and tugged at them perhaps too harshly, because Arthur practically fell into Merlin's arms and hungry lips.

This kiss was much longer and more ferocious than the last. Their hands tangled in each other's hair and roamed across warm skin and thin shirts. It was long overdue, and their teeth clashed as they both acted as if they were starving and the only food in range was the mouth of the man in their arms. 

It was exhilarating; everything Merlin had barely dared to dream of and more. If Arthur's moans and grunts were anything to go by, he was agreeing as well. 

Eventually, after a minor eternity, they slowed their pace. Open-mouthed and desperate kisses turned into something calmer, perhaps sensual. It felt as if all of the emotions - the shame and emotional distress of lying - flowed out of Merlin with each kiss and moan. As if Arthur was cleansing him of his pain, just as he'd saved him from the grasp of the hurtful words told by the magical beast. 

He felt safe. At last.

None of them knew how long they had stayed in the forest, but the knights only whistled and grinned at them when they returned, and Merlin wondered how much of the encounter they had witnessed to not be freaking out that they had gone after the magical beast and not returned for so long. Judging by Gwaine's exaggerated winks and kissing sounds, he guessed that they'd seen it all. 

But as they were busy moving their horses into a thankful villager's stable, Merlin narrowed his eyes and stopped in his tracks so that Arthur almost trampled him. 

"Hey! What are you doing?" 

Merlin turned to him slowly and wagged his finger in the air pointedly. "Hang on", he said and shook his head disapprovingly to Arthur's raised eyebrow. "If you knew that I had magic all this time, why did you ask me what I thought had happened every time I used it?"

Arthur's expression turned into a mischievous grin, and he continued to walk before looking back at Merlin as he passed him by. "To hear your genuinely horrendous excuses, of course." 

And as Merlin began to chase him across the field, shouting profanities at the laughing king, the knights chuckled and shook their heads at the pair. 

"Alright, lads", Gwaine said and protruded an entire flask of booze from God-knows-where. "This is a cause for celebration!"

The others chuckled, but voiced their approval. Yes, they all agreed as they saw Merlin tackle their king to the ground and triumphantly raise his hands into the air. Everything turned out just fine.