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You're not certain, because Gamzee was your first palemate, but you feel confident in saying that not even the most bloodthirsty trolls in history have killed their moirails, or even their ex-moirails. You've never heard about it happening and you think you saw a movie about it once, but that doesn't mean anything. The point is, you feel relatively confident that you'll make it to the cafeteria alive.
You stop suddenly in the doorway, which causes both Rose and Kanaya - because clearly neither of them has the fucking time or ability to pay attention to their surroundings - to walk straight into the back of you. Kanaya asks why you've stopped, and if she was anyone else you wouldn't have hesitated to tell her that it was because you feel like people have been pushing you around so much you might as well try being a door for a while.
KARKAT: BECAUSE HE'S IN THERE
KANAYA: You Can't Continue To Be Avoidant Of Dave
KANAYA: The Meteor Isnt Really All That Spacious
KARKAT: NO NOT HIM, THE OTHER HIM.
KANAYA: Gamzees In There
KARKAT: YEAH AND I THINK HE'S COOKING SOMETHING.
ROSE: Is it Dave?
KARKAT: DAVE IS LOCKED IN HIS ROOM AND HE WOULDN'T HAVE STAYED DEAD LONG ENOUGH FOR GAMZEE TO SLICE AND DICE HIM.
KANAYA: He Might Have If Gamzee Was Fast Enough
KARKAT: THAT ASSHOLE COULDN'T OUTRACE ONE OF YOUR EARTH SHELLBEASTS.
ROSE: A what?
KARKAT: SHELLBEAST. THE KIND THAT BEAT THE FLUFFBEAST IN A RACE.
ROSE: Tortoise?
KARKAT: THAT COULD BE RIGHT. BUT WHAT DO WE DO?
It's another question of yours that everyone ignores, because suddenly Gamzee is standing in the middle of the kitchen and staring at the three of you. He's got an armful of food and you realise the last conversation you had with him was the day he last killed Dave, and you'd had to talk him down out of the whole murderclown routine. It had worked, long enough for him to scurry off into the vents again. You haven't seen him since, and judging from the urgent nudges to your back, neither has anyone else.
Then, and you have no idea why, Gamzee's face breaks out into a grin.
GAMZEE: hey my motherfuckers
GAMZEE: WHAT'S GOING ON?
GAMZEE: who wants some motherfucking breakfast?
No one moves. You take half a step back because hey, sure, he was your moirail at one point but the last time you saw him he was covered in your earth bro's blood, and that's conflicting on a few levels, and unsettling on others. You feel another nudge, this time harder, and you slip forward a little, taking half a step into the room.
GAMZEE: I'M MAKING MOTHERFUCKING FROND BLOOD TRAPS.
GAMZEE: with extra fucking frond blood because that shit's the best motherfucking part.
KARKAT: YEAH OKAY, I'LL HAVE SOME.
You cautiously take a seat on the side of the table facing towards the prep area. You can hear Rose and Kanaya still hesitating, and whispering to each other, but you can't quite make out what they're saying. You can guess. You assume they're discussing what to do with your body when it doesn't come back to life. You know what you'd want done with your corpse. You should write it down somewhere because your plan is, even after death, to annoy the everloving shit out of Strider. You've always guessed that putting the corpse of a non-god tier in his block somewhere would make him cry, the only downside is that you'd be too dead to find out.
Kanaya is sitting beside you, with Rose to her right. She gives your knee a reassuring pat, a kind of 'if one of us dies, we probably all will'. You appreciate the gesture.
ROSE: Gamzee?
GAMZEE: yeah, mother fucker?
ROSE: What exactly did you say you were making?
GAMZEE: FROND BLOOD TRAPS.
GAMZEE: they are delicious miracles sent by what your people call the motherfucking gods.
KANAYA: He Is Right They Are Quite Delicious When Made Well
KANAYA: Perhaps You Call Them Something Different On Earth
KANAYA: They Are A Batter Based Product Cooked In A Certain Type Of Appliance Which Creates Hollows And Ridges In Them
KANAYA: These Are The Traps
KANAYA: The Frond Blood Is Merely A Sticky Liquid That Comes From Trees
ROSE: So you mean waffles?
KANAYA: Perhaps
KANAYA: If That Sounds Familiar Then I Would Presume That Your Earth Waffles Are Quite Similar To Alternian Frond Blood Traps
KARKAT: HE CAN MAKE THEM PRETTY WELL THOUGH.
KARKAT: HE ATE THEM FOR ALMOST AN ENTIRE SWEEP STRAIGHT ONCE.
GAMZEE: HELL FUCKING YEAH I DID MOTHERFUCKER
GAMZEE: that was the best sweep of my life
GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKING FROND BLOOD TRAPS ALL DAY
You're not sure why, but he seems to be almost back to his pre-Sgrub self. This can only be a good thing since you've never really enjoyed your frond blood traps with a side of corpse. He's standing beside the trap iron, stupid grin on his face and batter in his hair. At one point it would have been up to you to remind him to wash it out, but you're sure it'll stay there for perigees now.
You watch as Rose stands up, a move that could go down in history as her most batshit insane idea ever. And you're talking about the girl who went grimdark and planned a suicide mission to destroy the Green Sun, here. She's got a history of doing stupid things. She's a moron. A complete and utter fucking moron who is casually walking through the kitchen to the thermal hull. Kanaya's hand grips yours, painfully, as Gamzee turns around from the trap iron and moves until he's right behind Lalonde, towering over her.
GAMZEE: surprise, mother fucker.
Rose shrieks, and Kanaya's claws dig in so suddenly that they break the skin of your hand. It takes you all a minute to figure out what's going on. Gamzee is laughing, with his elbows still resting on Rose's shoulders. She reaches up and wipes her cheek, and you let out the gasp of mild horror that you will deny is a thing that you were holding on to, should anyone ask.
Gamzee is still laughing with his arms now wrapped tightly around Rose's neck, and he's walking along behind her, hunched over, as she makes her way back to the table carrying a carton of earth milk. If your pump biscuit wasn't still beating too fast for your liking, you'd almost be able to admit that it's a nice change. He's laughing and licking the spoon he used to smear the batter on Lalonde's cheek, and you find yourself wondering what's snapped inside his head this time to get him back to normal.
You watch as Rose walks around the kitchen trying to collect liquid vessels for the milk, but it's clear she's struggling with over six feet of highblood clinging to her neck. You commend her stupidity though, since she's scowling and is generally making a show of how not okay she is with the situation. He's still clinging by the time she makes it back to the table.
ROSE: You're going to have to let go now.
GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKING WHAT.
ROSE: I need to pour everyone drinks and I'm sure your traps must be burning by now.
GAMZEE: the hell they are, motherfucker.
GAMZEE: MY TRAPS ARE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL EVERY TIME.
ROSE: Well how about you prove it, motherfucker?
GAMZEE: aw, this shit is on. they'll be so fuckin' beautiful.
GAMZEE: MOST BEAUTIFUL FUCKIN' BLOOD TRAPS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
You watch as he slides his arms from around Rose's neck, but before he lets go, he drops them to her waist and squeezes her tightly.
GAMZEE: your fuckin' hair smells like a fuckin' miracle
ROSE: Thanks.
Rose is surprisingly calm despite her situation. She goes on with pouring glasses of milk for everyone and returns to her seat next to Kanaya without even flinching. You're sure she's trying to make up for the impossibly high pitched screech earlier. It's got to be embarrassing to scream like a wiggler in front of your matesprit. You assume it was embarrassing, because Kanaya is patting her shoulder in a way you have come to understand is reassuring to humans.
It's not long before Gamzee has managed to cook a huge pile of frond blood traps, and he brings the serving plateau over to the table, grinning from ear to ear. At some point, you realise, someone has brought out a stack of nutrition plateaus and utensils, and it was probably Gamzee himself. You know you didn't get off your ass and help, and Kanaya hasn't moved from beside you.
GAMZEE: GET YOUR DIG IN ON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
GAMZEE: theyre fuckin' beautiful
GAMZEE: AREN'T THEY LALONDE?
ROSE: They do look good, I'll admit.
KANAYA: I Did Tell You He Was Quite Capable
They're still talking when you see the Mayor look into the room. You try and warn him with your eyes, fuck off while you still can, because you're more than aware that Gamzee could sink back into complete fucking murderclown rage at any given point. Maybe he's even more stupid than Lalonde though, because he comes into the kitchen and takes a seat beside Gamzee, as if that's the normal protocol on this meteor.
Gamzee grins even harder, and you're sure he's about to snap.
GAMZEE: check this guy the fuck out
GAMZEE: HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK
GAMZEE: you want some fuckin' frond blood traps my brother
The Mayor doesn't even have the chance to say no. Gamzee is already piling the traps onto a plate for him, and he pours enough frond blood onto them that its almost a soup.
GAMZEE: MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES I TELL YOU.
Rose is, understandably, more restrained with the frond blood. She's poured some on, yeah, but the way she's going about cutting a small section out of the trap, sniffing it, you're finding it hard not to call her out. Gamzee might be a completely fucking deranged murderclown right now, but the guy knows his consumables. Kanaya laughs, but it's not the kind of laugh you're choking back, and you roll your eyes as she leans in to whisper something to Lalonde.
Then Gamzee laughs, and you realise that there is absolutely no malice in it. It's a laugh that no one's heard for what feels like sweeps, and you're almost convinced that hearing him laugh like that, like he's enjoying the fact he's still alive, is worse than the mid-sleep-cycle honks. He's busy stuffing his face when you suddenly notice that his feet are up on the bench between you and Kanaya. You scowl at him, but he just laughs again and kicks your hip. You glare harder, but it doesn't change anything and he just kicks you again.
Somewhere between you threatening to slap Gamzee in the face with his own shoes if he touches you again, and the Mayor reaching for another serve of the traps, Terezi has snuck into the room without anyone really noticing. You have no idea how long she's been sitting on Gamzee's other side, opposite Rose, cosplay hood pulled right down over her face. But there's a plate in front of her and you're almost certain that the highblood has a hand much closer to her than anyone at the table seems comfortable with.
Rose tilts her head so far that it's almost on the table - Kanaya reaching out to brush her hair back is the only thing that stops it from getting covered in frond blood. You don't know when you stopped paying attention to what was happening but it's clear that when you do stop, everything goes to fucking shit. Gamzee's still got his murder-free grin on, but the look in his eyes is different. It's not something just anyone would notice, but you do. It's your fucking job. Terezi, on the other hand, seems to have picked up on something because she's alternating between letting him rest his hand on the seat right up beside her, and slapping him away. If she wasn't still wearing that stupid hood, you'd be able to see if she was actually annoyed, or if she's just playing along. Something isn't right though, you're just not sure how far from okay the situation is. Rose has given up trying to get her to look up.
You stab your nutrition trident into the half a trap remaining on your plate. Gamzee gives you a look, a sort of 'what the fuck is wrong with my traps, brother' kind of look, and you just glare at him in return.
TEREZI: STOP 1T.
GAMZEE: im not doing any fuckin' thing that ain't alright, chalk-sis
TEREZI: STOP FUCK1NG TOUCH1NG M3.
GAMZEE: STOP FUCKING AROUND THEN, MOTHER FUCKER
TEREZI: 1F YOU FUCK1NG TOUCH M3 4G4IN 1LL 3ND YOU.
GAMZEE: try me, motherfucker
The hardest part to watch, despite the fact you're over a hundred percent sure that you can feel something inside being torn out violently, again, and for more than one reason, is when Terezi up and leaves the room, and you're certain she's crying. You stare daggers at Gamzee but he just shakes his head and drags her still full plate over to his place.
KANAYA: Leave Her Rose
ROSE: Leave her? Like that?
KANAYA: Yes You Dont Want To Be Involved In This
KANAYA: Not Right Now
GAMZEE: INVOLVED IN WHAT YOU FUCKERS?
KANAYA: A Situation That Is Wildly Out Of Control
GAMZEE: ill show you motherfuckin' mother fuckers out of fuckin' control
It's Rose that breaks the silence a few minutes later.
ROSE: Are you going to eat those, Mayor?
The Mayor shakes his head.
ROSE: I might take them in to Dave. I don't think he's eaten in two days.
KARKAT: TELL HIM I DISMANTLED HIS BLANKET PILE.
ROSE: You really have no idea what you sound like half the time, do you?
KARKAT: WHAT?
Rose just smiles then, her stupid, smug as shit grin. She takes the remaining frond blood traps and leaves the room, and suddenly it's just you, the Mayor, and Kanaya who is intent on watching Rose leave until she's completely gone in the view.
KANAYA: Do You Want To Talk About Dave?
KARKAT: WHY WOULD YOU THINK NOW IS A GOOD TIME FOR THAT?
KANAYA: Im Sure The Mayor Wont Tell Anyone
KANAYA: Will You Mayor
The Mayor shakes his head again.
KARKAT: I MEANT AFTER ALL THIS BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: NOW I REALLY NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS STRIDER.
KANAYA: Are You Sure
KANAYA: Ive Been Meaning To Find Time To Talk To You About Him For What Feels Like Perigees
KARKAT: I'M SORRY BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
You stand up quickly, and this time it's Kanaya who almost topples back over the chair. You'd apologise to her, but it would undermine the effect of storming out of a room. So you storm out of the room without a set destination in mind. You'll apologise to her later, mainly for being a douche, but partly for leaving her alone to clean up after Gamzee.