Chapter Text
12th September, 23:11
BAM
...
Not again...
A gunshot tore the night into two. Lu Guang looked up through the smoke of the sound and saw Cheng Xiaoshi move. Pure, reflexive motion, between him and the threat that had made the bang. Xiaoshi’s body was a shield, his eyes were a blaze.
"Cheng Xiaoshi!"
His shout bounced uselessly off the walls of noise. Xiaoshi didn’t register it, he only registered Vein. He kept fighting, every breath a defiance, even as the wound darkened the front of his shirt.
Lu Guang hauled him back into the red room like a man trying to tug daylight into a room that has dark, closed curtains. One thought repeated in his mind, a loop that tasted like iron: Did I fail again?
Xiaoshi collapsed to the floor, small and ungainly and human, bleeding his all being out. Lu Guang stood in the doorway, stunned, the world narrowing to the sound of his own heartbeat and the far-off, helpless tick of the clock.
Come on. You’ve been here before. Why are you like this? Move. Move. Move.
Once Cheng Xiaoshi called his name weakly, Lu Guang rushed towards him and dropped onto his knees beside Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi, despite being in immense pain, reached out a trembling hand and held Lu Guang's hand.
"Lu Guang... I'm sorry..."
His voice was a ragged thing and yet it did what nothing else could: it pulled Lu Guang out of the empty stupor. Xiaoshi’s fingers were cold, like a promise losing heat. He was going still; the color was leaving him in soft, definite lines. He is growing cold. He is freezing. He is losing too much blood. This can't be happening again... Don't die. Not again.
"Don't... Don't be sorry. Just hang in there! I'llㅡI'll call the ambulance!.. It's not too late."
“Lu Guang…” Xiaoshi’s words were little, stubborn islands of sound, his life fading away. He forced Lu Guang’s other hand into his grip as well, anchoring him away from the phone. “It’s already too late...”
Too late?
Too late...
Too late.
Too late!
...
I failed again... He is in pain because of me...
Lu Guang was speechless. He could only watch as Cheng Xiaoshi's once filled with sparks eyes go dull.
"Cheng Xiaoshi?.. Cheng Xiaoshi!" The name came out like a prayer that had been asked too many times. Realisation hit Lu Guang like a truck. He knew his Xiaoshi was dead now. However he couldn't help but cling onto his freezing body, not a single drop of blood left inside. Lu Guang clung to the body like someone trying to hold the tides with two hands. He bowed his head to Xiaoshi’s chest and the sound that came from him was the raw, animal sound of someone unraveling.
"Cheng Xiaoshi!"
His voice echoed against the walls.
After a moment of silent sobs, he continued in a broken voice, "Come back... I can't do this again. I'm exhausted... Xiaoshi... Please, I need you. Don't leave me again..."
Failed again. Again. Again. And again. You failed him. You always fail. You keep pretending you can fix everything by folding time back into neat corners. You're such a failure, Lu Guang. Such a disappointment. Such an ugly liar. Are you gonna rewind and act like nothing happened? Again?
...
Knowing it all, am I destined to fall?..
The inner voice was merciless, a tribunal at the back of his skull. He was a perfectionist after all. Though he was way harsher with himself. Lu Guang’s self-accusations were sharper than any stranger’s. He had always been exacting, precision his refuge, and now he turned that meticulousness on himself until the edges shredded.
What am I gonna do now?..
Rewind of course.
How much longer am I gonna be able to keep this?.. How many timelines can I mend before there is nothing left of me to mend with? How much will it take from me? It took my hope. It took my peace. It took my sanity!..
Gonna keep complaining?
No...
Then get up. Rewind.
Just a bit longer... I don't wanna abandon him yet. He is scared of being left alone...
He cried until the room blurred. He wept for hours, fingers numb from holding Xiaoshi’s hand. He was drowning in his own tears and regrets. And also Cheng Xiaoshi's blood... The world pressing Lu Guang down until the shape of his grief was all that fit in the room. At some point he forgot the mechanics of breathing and slid into a sleep that smelled of iron, clutching the warmth that was slipping away, he did not let go of Cheng Xiaoshi's hands.
Time crawled forward and then struck midnight.
13th September, 00:00
"Cheng Xiaoshi... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry for leaving you. For abandoning you again... How much worse can I be?.. Xiaoshi... Forgive me."
A pause. A change in the atmosphere.
"I'm not abandoning you forever, Xiaoshi. I'ma win this silly game. Until then I will never leave. Because I know that you can track it back to me. Doing all these is hard to follow. But I'd do it again tomorrow."
Though it drags me down and drags me down...
It's like trying to bend water, why would you even bother?..
I want to save him.
Wanting it all.
And the whole world will crumble and fall.