Work Text:
repeat to yourself that they’re not really gone
It is part of Roxy Lalonde’s nature to draw from nothingness things that do not exist.This doesn't make the nothingness easier to bear, only makes its home in her chest more familiar. It began with her mom and, as all things in her life do, it began with absence.
Her mother has never been dead, though Roxy believes that she died. Throughout her childhood, she learns that while Rose Lalonde was excellent at hiding from cameras of the past, she’s left traces of herself throughout this house. Roxy clutches books heavier than the weight in her chest and more vast than the ache in it and tries to convince herself that her mom is there with her. She never arrived, so she never left, so she’s not gone.
time has proven that
fooling yourself into believing a lie
is the most effective way to deal with
things you have no control over
The second thing that she draws from nothingness is the belief that someday, she and Dirk Strider will transcend the friendzone. The knowledge that he can’t return her feelings is a fact that all parts of her but the subconscious have come to terms with. Though he may love her, there exists not a single moment where he is capable of being in love with her.
This concept is best compared to the way the sky is blue.The sky is constantly blue, and when it is not, it soon will be. It has always been. Everyone knows that the sky is blue - though small children may question it and demand an explanation. It is just is. Artists, too, may paint the sky red or fuchsia, but the sky is not destined to be red or fuchsia. Anyone can stare up at the sky and beg and cry and write it beautiful words, but it will not change for them.
Dirk’s feelings, unfortunately, haven’t deterred Roxy’s own. She knows it’s illogical and she knows it’s not good for her. Unfortunately, logic does not rule her as it does her best friend. She’d rather suffer heartbreak at his hands than not know him at all. Dirk is her sky, and a day without him turns the world upside-down. Jake is his sun. Dazzling. Blistering. Painful to associate with by any means, but wonderfully addictive and filled with promises. Jane is, she doesn’t know, the fucking grass, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the metaphor doesn’t and she is head over heels hopeless and sick for him in a way that makes her feel as though she’s drowning.
keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
Since he’s started talking to Jake more lately, she spends her spare hours flipping through pesterlogs of years gone by. None of it’s his fault. Roxy has tinkered with her laptop since then, but since she’s a mad haxxor girl, she’s managed to salvage everything onto a neat file.
overanalyze every single word you hear
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
TG: diiiiiistri
TG: my dear
TG: sweet
TG: precious
TG: distri
TT: You rang?
TG: ah yes butler distri do make yourself at home hop on a futon or some shit
TT: I will be much obliged to hop on a futon or some shit, thanks.
TT: What will you be needing today?
TG: weeeeeell my faithful butler ive got some pretty serious shit goin on
TG: u c
TG: i wuz gonna hack into janeys server and change her chat client from betty bother to smthn reasonable
TG: but i am in need of some back up
TT: But how am I, a lowly yet devoted butler, to help you with that?
TG: omfg dont pull this on me do u want 2 help or not
TT: Hell.
TG: fuckin
TT: Yes.
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
“was this a sign that things were going wrong”
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
TG: hey dirkus
TT: Rolal.
TG: howz my fave distri faring these days
TT: I’m doing pretty good. Just started a new project actually.
TG: oooh mr. strider i am iiiiiinterested
TG: are u doing just good or could i bump it up to spiffy without overstepping bounds
TT: I am doing 110% positively spiffy, Rox.
TT: It is safe to assume that I have never felt more fuckin' spiffy in my life.
TG: alrighty then hooray
TG: pray tell whatever could this mysterious new project bee
TG: hehe bee
TG: omf speking of which hab u evur seen the bee movie?
TG: *speaking
TT: I think you missed a few.
TG: shhh theyre fiiiine
TT: If you say so.
TT: To answer your first question, I finally got around to scanning my brain yesterday.
TG: sweet
TG: whatcha gonna do with that ghostly cerebral mofo
TT: I’m working on an autoresponder. I’ve been fiddling with AI bases all day.
TG: okay not that the idea of an autoresponder isnt totes cool and whateves
TG: but what else do u have 2 be doin
TG: watchin shitty animus??
TT: The animus are ironically shitty. There’s a clear difference.
TT: Also, it’s okay because I enjoy them ironically.
TT: An autoresponder will help to fend off inane messages while I’m busy and will forward the more pressing ones so I can formulate a response to them as soon as possible.
TG: slow down there robot boy youve almost lost me
TG: lemme get this straight
TG: youre building an entire AI into ur sunglasses so that u wont have to deal with jakes ridiculous babble unless u want to
TT: That’s a concise way of putting it.
TG: stellah
TG: but have u seen the bee movie
TT: Is that the one where Barry the bee realizes the detriments of capitalism and goes to court attempting to garner support for bees rights, during which his friend loses his stinger and gets a fuckin sandwich sword shoved up his ass to replace it?
TG: ah so u are familiar with it
TG: u forgot the part where the lady falls in love with the bee btw
TT: So silly of me.
TG: for realz
TG: wait hang on a sec
TG: what you said about jake earlier
TG: why r u tryn to avoid him
TT: It doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to visualize Jake’s constant monologuing becoming at least slightly cumbersome.
TT: Perhaps distracting is a better word for it.
TT: It’s hard to get anything done with his sage soliloquies popping into my face every five seconds.
TT: An AR will help me to give him my full attention when we talk, while at the same time enabling me to keep working on the task at hand.
TT: Plus, I’m interested in seeing whether or not I’ll be able to build one at all.
TG: ah now theres a solid reason 4 ignorin jakester
TG: youve got a thirst for adventure
TG: a man after his own heart
TT: I wish.
TG: hmmmm do i smell a crush?
no no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them
Oh shit. She hates this pesterlog. She’s tempted to ex out now and move on, but if she can’t bear to read the beginnings of Dirk and Jake’s relationship, she’s going to have a hell of a time meeting them in person once the game starts.
TT: It doesn’t matter what you smell, English is too oblivious to pick up on even the most malodorous of romantic interests.
TG: i see whut u were tryn 2 do there but it just came out gross
TG: also dont worry if jake-senpai doesnt notice u ill always be up for grabs
TG: wonk ;)
TT: You can do a lot better than someone like me.
TG: oh strider im swoonin
TT: No, I’m serious. You deserve better.
TT: You deserve someone who can give you everything you want.
--timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
stay up every single night staring at your phone
She minimizes the old log to check if anyone’s bothered to engage her in a new one. All her friends are online, but none of them have made a move to pester her.
either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons,
these constant reminders of your loneliness,
Jane was supposed to catch up with her at some point. They haven't spoken in at least six days. Probably busy with school or something, knowing her. Kid stuff.
into nothing more than a bad dream
Roxy closes out of the client, her profile graying as she goes offline to the sound of a disappointed text tone.
In lieu of being ditched, she
dives back into the archives of their conversations and substitutes Jane with their past selves.
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]--
TG: janey my grill whatre the mad hiphaps
GG: Oh, nothing much.
GG: I’ve been attempting to get the hang of this new souffle recipe all day, but frankly, it’s been darn tricky!
GG: I’m busting my pants trying to get through the first few steps alone.
TG: what a life
TG: dont worry im sure itll be good no matter what
TG: u are after all
TG: ~the queen b of crockertown~
GG: The technical term is Heiress, but thanks for your support.
TG: np
Ah, the good ol’ days, before everyone was in love with Jake.
GG: I expect I’m a little distracted, what with all the drama that’s been going on lately.
GG: That boy can just be so infuriating sometimes!
Wait a second.
TG: u mean english?
GG: Of course I mean Jake!
She exits the log. Tonight smells like vodka and talking to cats. Maybe she’ll sing to the moon a little. Wait, no, it definitely wouldn’t answer. Cats it is.
Dirk pesters her bright and early the next morning. Her first real conversation in a week. Roxy’s heart swells despite her splitting headache. She’s been alone so long it was starting to feel like before, when all she had were the cats and the chess guys and miles of vast, open ocean.
--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
TT: Rox.
TT: I have a question.
TG: hmu
TT: How do you know if a boy likes you?
TG: boys are complex creatures boo im not gonna lie to you
TG: does the boy in question seek your affection and leave gifts
TG: possibly in the form of dead things???
TT: Cats and boys are not synonymous.
TG: chill it was just a harmless inquiry
TG: for science
TG: my actual advice is that I have no idea how to tell if someone likes u
TG: u just have to wing it and hope ur not fucking up too badly
TT: It’s just.
TG: ?
TT: I can’t stop thinking about him.
She pushes away from her computer and leaves her desk chair spinning in a dizzying loop. Roxy walks calmly to the kitchen, hops onto the counter, and reaches into the highest cabinet, from which she withdraws a dusty bottle of vodka. She dismounts the counter with practiced ease. Roxy returns to her desk chair, unscrews the top, and takes a nice, long gulp. It burns like the best of friends.
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has become an idle chum!--
TT: Roxy?
TT: Are you still there?
TG: soz checkin on the cats
TG: anyway yeah tell me more about jakester
or praying just for one second
you could feel the warmth of equally returned love
The only thing worse than the way she’s feeling is imagining the smile falling from Dirk’s face. He wouldn’t date Jake if he knew how much it hurts her. He wouldn’t date Jake if he knew that it hurt her, period. He deserves the swell of warmth that is falling in love with someone. He deserves it without the sting of knowing they can’t love him back, at least not in the way she so selfishly wanted. Wants.
She’d rather speak to him solely about Jake for the rest of her life than not speak to him ever again.
go out for coffee four times a week by yourself
She’s learned through trial, error, and the internet, that coffee is one of the best remedies for a hangover. Unfortunately, coffee cannot heal a broken heart anymore than vodka or outdated pesterlogs can.
always bring your notebook, never stop writing
She spends nights wishing her words could do him justice, but the only enigma she can pin with pen and paper is her own subconscious, filtered through the magnificently shitty silkscreen of Wizardy Herbert. Roxy wishes she had his talent for robotics so that she could make him something half as essential to his survival as he has been to her all her life.
She buries her sorrows in wizard fic. By the time she’s 14, she can tell how a story will end by her handwriting. The messier the cursive, the sloppier the plot, and more likely the pages are to reek of alcoholic aid. Some characters are Dirk, some are Jake, some are her. Sometimes, Zazzerpan (Dirk) ends up with Ockite the Bonafide (Jake) while Frigglish (Roxy) and Gastrell the Munificent (Jane) cheer them on. Sometimes, Zazzerpan and Frigglish end up together. Sometimes, everyone dies halfway through and the story has no real ending.
When she’s really drunk, she writes him poetry. Frivolous sentiments about his hair and the way he types and his silly fucking autoresponder. One morning-after, when she’s rifling through pages and deciding which ones to burn, a set of lines catches her eye. Blurred through the circus mirror known as her handwriting á la vodka, the smudged hot pink snares her.
no man is an island
& no man is a robot
but you’re not a man
you’re a boy
She crumples it and tosses it to join the others in the flames.
leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip
--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
TT: Forgive me if I’m being dense.
TT: But when a boy refers to your relationship as a “ripsnorter of a good time,” does it mean he’s romantically interested in you?
TG: look its me
TG:
TG: new friend roxy
TG: here and ready to help with all of your convoluted relationship problems
TG: i am going to say
TG: undeterminable?
TG: would you also refer 2 the bond u 2 share as a ripsnorter of a good time
TT: If the phrase “ripsnorter of a good time” wasn’t insanely antiquated and dweeby, perhaps.
TG: go get em tiger
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
watch them smile as you get in your car
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
TG: what r u up too
TT: Debating how to ask Jake to come out to LoTaK for the second time today without seeming overwhelmingly clingy and controlling.
TG: oh
TG: k
TG: I’ll be here if u want to talk about getting clingy ;)
TG: wonk wonk wonk wonk wonk
TT: I’m flattered, Miss Lalonde.
TG: lol im serius
TG: n bi serius i mens
TG: seriusly crunk rn ;) ;) ;)
TG: lol bi ahaha dubble pun
TT: Fuck.
TT: Seriously?
TG: seriusly dostri
TG: *distriggl
TG: *ye tht works
TT: I thought your path to sobriety was going well.
TG: sobriebdy iz oveereated
TG: diccck im so linelu
TG: *linoely
TG: *linoleum?
TG: *lonely
TT: Maybe you need more cats.
TG: huehuehue very funi robot boy
TG: how facetious of you
TG: see im not drunk i can sepll feciteuous
TT: Oh, Rox.
TT: Yeah you fuckin' can.
TG: dirkkkk
TG: dirk dirk dirc dirk dick
TG: hehe dick
TT: Yes?
TG: do u ever think about like
TG: kids n shit
TG: In abssrtract it musts seem ridikulos
TG: Consordering wes are memely kids ourshelves
TG: But hiiiink about it
TG: *think
TT: I’m hiiiiinking.
TG: okay lit while ur at it
TG: more specifocally
TG: imagin havin kids wit
TG: urs truly
TG: wonkwonkwonk
TT: Oh.
TG: distri r u blushin or triggered this is vital info here
TG: b/c if ur blushin
TG: dayuuum ;)
TT: Rox.
TG: dirk-a-dirk
TT: I think.
TT: It would be in both of our best interests.
TT: To suspend this conversation and go to sleep.
TG: awwww spoilsport
TG: whys
TT: Because I’m worried about you and don’t want your hangover tomorrow to be any worse than it already will be.
TG: dick u r so gentleman
TT: I do my best.
TG: i bet ur blushin
--timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
always talk down on yourself whenever possible
my life is shit because i deserve it, right?
Fuck. Fuck. The hangover banging nails into her skull isn’t the only thing she regrets the following morning. She can’t believe she said that kind of shit to him. She thought she put that behind her ages ago. Poor Dirk, having to deal with her unwanted advances on top of her alcoholic ass. It’s incredible how within 10 minutes of downing a little vodka, Roxy miraculously forgets how insanely fucking gay he is.
you must have done something real bad
Her mother died saving her, and what is Roxy? Roxy is alone. Roxy is alone, alone,
alone
,
so alone that the only boy left in the world cannot love her.
it’s nearly impossible for you to cry now
She pictures him beaming at his boyfriend as she codes lines of nonsense and strokes kittens who all look the same, and it hurts Roxy how happy that makes her, the thought of him happy. It’s a sinking, burning happiness, like the Titanic is going down inside of her. There’s a lump in her throat and she can’t cry and she just keeps grinning.
avoid your friends for weeks even though
they’re the only sense of consistency you have left in your life
--golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
GT: Ms lalonde?
GT: Are you quite alright?
GT: I havent heard from you in a flipping long time and strider mentioned that he hadnt either.
GT: You arent in some sort of pickle are you?
--golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
--gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
GG: Hello Roxy, it feels like we haven’t chatted in forever!
GG: I’ve been so sidetracked with school and waiting for the Sburb beta, not to mention all the nonsense going on between Dirk and Jake.
GG: I suppose I’ve been pretty selfish, nursing my own broken heart and forgetting to make time for my best friend.
GG: Have you been doing okay?
GG: Roxy?
--gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
TT: Are you in trouble?
TG: no
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
if they really wanted to see you,
they’d come, but they won’t
--golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
GT: I reckon youre terribly busy what with not pestering the lot of us back and all that rubbish.
GT: But if you could manage to free up some time id really like to level with you and talk about this whole shaggy with dirk.
GT: I dont mean to sound pushy but im really in need of some advice on how to deal with the whole finagle!
--golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
--gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
GG: Oh my gosh!
GG: I don’t know why I can’t pluck up the courage and just ask him already.
GG: This boy is driving me up a wall, Rox.
GG: I frankly don’t know what to do.
GG: Pester me when you get a chance, okay?
GG: I could use your help.
--gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
who cares?
Unread messages pile up, but she’d bet everything her mom left her that they’re all about Jake. It doesn't matter that they’re sent to
tipsyGnostalgic.
Not a word in the paragraphs of cyan and creamsicle concern her.
allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love
She chucks one of her journals into the ocean just to watch it sink, then cries for hours afterwards thinking of what her mom might have said. She makes her martinis that night a double, wondering if the fire in her core is the same burn that her mother felt millennia ago.
watch as you begin to take a backseat to the world around you,
don’t fight it
She doesn't want to play the game. Destiny can carry on without her, her mother was good at that. She can blur out. It won't matter.
The Batterwitch is going to get her way no matter what Roxy does. Her mother’s life served as a good enough parable for that lesson.
become a secondary character in your own motion picture
Fuck the game. Fuck the game, fuck it so hard, fuck destiny, fuck fate.
but most importantly drown every single one of your feelings in old stolen rum,
These bottles are her only birthright. The dead world belongs to Dirk, a boy who was given the hollow shell of the Earth and turned it into a fully-functional paradise. Roxy has left it to rot.
learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat
find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach
Her only constant is the cycle of wake-up-throw-up-get-sad-get-wasted-rinse-repeat. Entering the game doesn’t change much about this.
you’re drinking bottled love now
Fuck Dirk is an unfair thought, but she’s been thinking it since she was old enough to understand what it meant and it’s refreshing for that phrase to have a different meaning for once.
--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]--
TT: How badly does it hurt?
TG: wut
TT: To see him with Jake every single day.
TT: To know that when he’s not with you, he’s with him.
TT: To be fully aware that every moment spent in your presence is no different from any other moment to him.
TG: y r u askin me this
TG: can dirk c this log
TT: No, he can't.
TT: I’ve utilized my private server so as not to further complicate the matter.
TT: I am asking because I still care about you, Roxy.
TT: As Dirk’s past self, I have a considerably less skewed perception of the relationships he is now entangled in.
TT: I may possess a ghost of his romantic inclinations, but not to the extent that they interfere with what is known on the street as “my sicknasty robot cred,” IE logic.
TG: shade
TG: or should i say
TG: shadez
TT: Yes Roxy, I continue to exist as a pair of sunglasses.
TT: “shadez”
TT: Truly a pun for the ages.
TG: thank
TT: Back to the subject of Dirk and I.
TT: It’s part of our nature to destroy, but if one of us combats the other, then the majority of harmful outcomes can be prevented.
TT: I don't want his ruinous nature to injure the only friend we had for a long time, not to mention someone who remains close to me despite his current negligence.
TG: s not his fulf
TG: *fault
TT: Roxy, you know as well as I do that he’s been passing up his role as tactical leader to spend time with Jake.
TT: While it’s not unusual for him to skip out on Jane on occasion, Dirk ceasing so noticeably in his interaction with you is something that any psychologist would mark as a red flag.
TT: To use an antiquated term, it’s monomania.
TT: Jake is constantly on his mind.
TT: He’s always thinking of him.
TG: u just said thay
TT: Always asking me what to do and blaming me when things go wrong.
TT: I’m reaching out to you because there’s a 99.912536% chance that you understand how it feels to go from a fantastic new feature of his life to an unused constant.
TT: Am I incorrect in assuming that you once had romantic feelings for him?
TG: brb
TG: I need another beverage
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has become an idle chum!--
Does she ever.
you don’t need other people to drive away your loneliness
TG: god hal idfk if anyone understands
TT: Welcome back, Roxy.
TG: what its like to see him everyday and know
TG: to KNOW
TG: deep in my very soul
TG: that he probably doesn't want to be around me when he could be w jake
TG: i cant even touch him anymore it hurts too much
TG: he looks at me and there’s just
TG: NOTHIGG
TG: in hiz iyes
TT: Based off the increased occurrence of spelling errors in your text, there is a 212% chance you are currently inebriated.
TG: pls don pull thaht schritck on me hal I cant deul rn
TG: is jus fugckin
TG: HURTS
TT: I’m sorry.
TG: not ur fel
TG: *faulkt
TG: pretty sure is mine
TG: I was the one alwuys flirftin w him n makin it haedr
TG: *duck words
TT: I must agree that those are indeed “duck words.”
TG: no duck words as in fuck them gfdi
TG: at least im not his second choice
TG: and id rather him be happy with jake than me be happy with him
TT: This statement is completely invalidated by my state of being as artificial intelligence, but that sounds like a deep extension of the human emotion love.
TG: ibs the gpdaamn bro code
TG: *goddamn
TG: but ai do lobve him
TG: tthe probelne is that im in lpve w/ him too
TG: *problem
TG: *love
TT: I was not aware there was such a large distinction between the two.
TG: neither was i until I realseied it
TG: *realizex
TG: I havs trubble tellin the diference
TG: with him n janeh especially
TG: but tgeres a biiuuuiiig difference bebtween logbfin somebone and being IM love with then
TG: im always fonna love him
TG: I jus don know if ikl ever stop beinb in love with hin
TG: is likke
TG: torturerreee
TG: I tink
TG: im always ritin those stupid wizard fics and hittin on people and thinkin bout my future kids
TG: and is like nobody even cares
TG: I don even care
TG: i loook tioo hrd 4 lvue
TG: I look so hard it nevuh fins me
TT: 
TG: omf
TG: tank u
TT: It’s the least that I can do.
TT: Get some sleep, Rolal.
TG: aye aye robocop
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]--
you just needed to find a way to talk to it