Work Text:
Quiet. It was too quiet.
Dazai wasn’t being his usual self recently. The agency knew he clearly had extensive amounts of mental health issues which definitely made him have… bad days sometimes. The past month had been pretty bad. He would hardly show up to work, wouldn’t speak much to anyone and mainly just slept on the couches all day. Kunikida tried to knock some sense into him but that only caused his partner to leave early. Not showing up the next day.
However, this past week Dazai was starting to seem somewhat like his ‘normal’ self again. He was messing with Kunikida again and anyone in the agency really, would sing his favorite song loudly, and of course still didn’t do his work- but was actually talking to people again. The only thing that seemed to be off was the fact he was acting too cheerful for everyone’s liking.
Today though, he was quiet. Too quiet. He messed with Kunikida as usual but he didn’t talk to anyone else the whole day. Atsushi felt a little worried for his mentor.
“We all have to attend this meeting tomorrow morning. I’m not giving any exceptions. Especially you, Dazai.” Kunikida shared a quick glance at Dazai.
Dazai looked up at him, eyes empty but he smiled nonetheless. He didn’t respond which did agitate Kunikida a bit but decided to let it be. Atsushi was anxiously watching his mentors every move, not being able to shake the bad feeling of deep dread and worry he had.
Dazai sat up to go to the couches to nap. He put his headphones on before taking his coat off and lying down. He had his music blasted but was able to hear footsteps approaching him. He cracked open one eye to see a seemingly shy Atsushi presented in front of him.
“What’s up Atsushi?” He said cheerfully while taking off his headphones, placing them around his neck and sitting up straighter.
Atsushi gulped down the feeling of anxiety as he watched his mentors stiff movements.
“I-uhm…Dazai.” He scratched the back on his neck in an attempt to ground himself. “Are you… are you doing okay? You haven’t been yourself recently and- I just.. “ he paused for a moment before continuing. “I feel like you’re not doing well. I just wanted to you know.. check up on you.”
Dazai hunched over and smiled warmly at his apprentice. He reached a hand to fluff his white, scruffy hair.
He retreated his hand before putting his headphones back on. “You know how I am. I’ll be okay though. I promise.” He closed his eyes again and Atsushi stood and watched as his smile dropped, as if he was actually sleeping.
He smiled feeling a little better though deep down he knew something was really wrong. He decided to leave it alone for now and get back to work. He didn’t want Kunikida angry at him after all.
~
Dazai left the agency as usual. Waving goodbye to the people he was supposed to call family despite lazing around all day ignoring them all. As soon as he made it farther away from the building he felt his shoulders hunch in on him. His heavy mask disappearing.
He sighed. Looking up he saw the sun setting in the horizon. The sky was painted with pinks and yellows, a beautiful sight indeed.
The last time he’d see it ever he supposed.
He had been contemplating doing a more extreme suicide attempt for the past few weeks. Normally his attempts were more of a joke, a way to help him cope with this horrible burden of living. But that wasn’t the case today. While all his attempts were aiming for one goal he knew most of the time that the attempt would most certainly not work. Today though, he had a plan. A plan well thought out for a while now.
He said his final goodbye to the agency on the way out. He pat his apprentice on the head one last time. Yesterday, he finally paid off at least part of the tab he had building up the last two years at the local cafe. He didn’t finish his paper work which he did feel slightly guilty about but he knew it would just get passed onto someone else after he was gone. He only had a few more things to do before he was gone. Before he finally had the peace he’d been wanting as long as he can remember. Relief from this exhaustion, this sad excuse of a life. He was tired. He’d been tired for years.
He stopped at the grave yard. Walking up to Odasaku’s grave and sitting in his usual spot. He looked up before speaking.
“Im sorry Odasaku, I tried. I held the promise. As long as I could, I really did try.” His voice cracked with emotion but it was mostly false. He didn’t get emotional. He wasn’t capable of such emotions. He wasn’t human. Never was.
“I’m just so tired. So damn tired.” He continued. “I’ve been even more tired recently. I need an escape. I can’t do this anymore Odasaku. I’m so exhausted.” His voice began to waver slightly. He closed his eyes, letting a few tears fall. He didn’t know why he was crying, he hadn’t cried since Odasaku died. Even then, he didn’t cry much.
“I did as much good as I could. Still, I’m still a horrible person. I don’t deserve a good life. I don’t deserve anything. I’m not human. I am just a shell of a person. I’ve always felt this way. I wasn’t supposed to exist this long, my time here is up. I’ll be joining you soon. I’ve missed you.”
He took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure why but he was talking so fast but it was exhausting him further. He still had one more thing he had to do before he died. He needed to at least hold his exhaustion back until then.
“I’m sure I probably won’t see you in hell. I’m almost certain you made it to heaven.” He said quietly.
He twirled his thumbs and sighed calmly.
“I hope I can at least hug you one more time. Did you know I still get teary eyed for you?” He said as he wiped his eyes dry.
“I’m not sure why. I’m sure I’m not even capable of feeling sadness. However, my body makes my eyes water. It only happens when I think of you.”
He smiled. “Maybe that’s why I’m crying now.”
He sat a few more moments before getting up. He walked away quietly before turning and bowing.
“I’ll see you soon, Odasaku. Continue to sleep peacefully. Wait for me.”
He left the graveyard for good after that. He had to fulfill his last duty before getting ready to finally seek out his peace. His dream.
He pulled out his phone. Scrolling through his contacts.
Ah, it’s been a minute. He hasn’t see Chuuya since the battle to collect Q and disable Lovecraft. He smiled to himself at the fond memory.
He clicked the button to call the hatrack, not expecting him to answer. He was not sure he if he was in a meeting.
Of course, it went to voicemail. He sighed. “Stupid slug.”
He decided since she didn’t answer, it still counted as done. His last ‘chore’ was to call the chibi. Not to tell him goodbye but to make fun of him one last time.
The sun was almost completely set now. He decided it was time. He walked to the motel nearby.
He didn’t want to end his life in the dorms. Even though he was a bad person, and was quite selfish, he decided he didn’t want to burden the agency anymore. He didn’t want them to be the ones to find his rotten body. It was the least he could do for them.
~
“Hello. Can I book a room for two nights?” He hoped that would be enough time before someone found him.
The lady at the front desk looked up and smiled at him warmly.
“Of course. That’ll be 15000 yen.”
He haded over the money and smiled just as warmly. “Have a nice evening madam.”
She nodded as a response. He entered the elevator. He really didn’t hope that lady was going to be the one to find him. He’d feel horrible.
Oh wait. He’d be dead.
~
The day before, he bought five brand new pill bottles, a few razors, two bottles of sake, and he managed to get himself some sleep medication he had left over.
His plan was stupid, and if it failed it would be incredibly painful. He hated pain. However he managed to calculate everything to make sure it would work.
Everything was in his favor. He cracked the bathroom door open, not bothering locking it and slowly ripped the bandages off him. He played a sad yet calming song in the background. It may have been cringey but he didn’t mind. The phone would die eventually anyway. He had his ringer off as well as to be sure he wouldn’t be disturbed.
He remembered when he cleaned up his room a few nights prior. He put everything in boxes so if the agency went there first, they could take what they want.
He realized he forgot to leave his coat in the boxes. He sighed at his forgetfulness.
He lined the bottles up and opened up the sake. He chugged a quarter of the bottle in one go. He was ready.
The song changed. He smiled at the familiar tune. He looked at his arm and cringed. He did this to himself. He was utterly disgusting.
He did have comfort in it however. He picked up a razor and held his breath. He glided it across his arm. Harshly and slowly. Opening many closed wounds that have been patched up multiple times. He was surprised his skin wasn’t damaged beyond repair at this point.
It didn’t matter anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with this skin soon. He felt tears build in the corner of his eyes. He let out a harsh yelp as he cut deeper, almost dropping the blade.
“Pathetic.” He huffed to himself with a pained rasp.
He suppressed a heavy shudder as he felt blood pooling onto his pants. He was considering cutting his thighs but he didn’t want someone to find him partially naked. He looked down and felt a weird sense of euphoria seeing the tub fill with his blood. He dropped the blade hissing at the pain as he moved to reach for the sake and a pill bottle.
“Fuck.” He groaned. He really was in pain. This is why he tried to find a painless method for so long. He fucking hated this feeling.
He struggled but eventually opened the bottle. He put his head back and placed the pills in his mouth. He expected to choke but the sake mostly allowed them to slide down his throat. He coughed for a moment but he didn’t think much of it.
He reached for another, and another, repeating the process until everything around him was fuzzy.
The sake was nearly empty. His hands shook heavily. Result from the overdose. He dropped the bottle not able to really hear the glass breaking because his ears felt like they were stuffed with cotton.
He lazily reached for the second bottle and opened it after a bit of effort. He grabbed the sleeping pills. This was sure to end him.
His heart was hammering. He could hardly see straight anymore. All he could smell was alcohol, blood, and his prolonged sadness.
Suddenly, the pain was too much to handle. He gasped in pain, clutching at his chest. He then remembered he slashed his wrists and forearm, whining in pain as he moved. His body was begging him to throw up. He tried with all his might to keep it in. Thankfully, the effects were kicking in.
Finally. Fucking finally.
The world gone quiet, he wasn’t able to hear the music anymore. He smiled blissfully. He wasn’t in pain anymore.
His vision began to black out. His hearing was muffled, a loud ringing perplexed him. He looked around trying to decipher where it was coming from.
“Oh yeah. I took too many pills. Ha.” He thought to himself.
Before he closed his eyes, he managed to hear someone screaming distantly. Huh. Whoever’s kid was screaming needed to quiet down. It was quite a nuisance.
He smiled.
“Finally. It’s over. I’ll finally be taken from this horrible existence. A fate I’ve always dreamed of.” He muttered to himself.
He swore he heard footsteps, but he didn’t care. He was finally at peace.
In the end, he always got what he wanted.
~
Atsushi was walking. He wasn’t sure why, but he had a really bad feeling he couldn’t shake off.
Dazai left about an hour and a half ago, he needed to see if he was okay. He seemed off as he was leaving. He never said bye as solemnly as he did.
He made it to the apartment he lived in. Now, Atsushi wasn’t stupid. He knew his mentor was obviously depressed and had suicidal tendencies. He noted to be cautious. He took a breath before walking to knock on the door. That was, until he was interrupted by a particular redhead.
“Oi. You here to see shitty Dazai?” He chirped.
Atsushi turned and reluctantly nodded.
“He’s been off recently. I have a bad feeling- I just need to check and see if he okay.”
Chuuya nodded, seemingly in agreement.
“He called me earlier. He hasn’t called me in a while. I also came to check on him since I got the time to call him back, he didn’t answer. I called twice.”
Atsushi suddenly felt even worse. He knocked on the door, slightly panicked.
“Dazai?” He knocked again. “Dazai are you home?”
Chuuya came closer and ushered him to move out the way. Of course he did. He knew Chuuya and Dazai’s relationship with each other. He wouldn’t comment on it. He was sure he knew more than he ever would about his mentor.
Chuuya twisted the door knob to find it open. Yeah, something was definitely going on.
They looked at each other before they walked in. Confused on the sight in front of them.
Boxes. All labeled.
“I have a really, really bad feeling about this.” Atsushi said in a shaky tone.
Chuuya pulled out his phone and opened Dazai’s contact. He sighed when he realized he didn’t turn his location off. He should’ve just checked this first.
“Come on. I know where he is.”
“What?” Atsushi saw he had his mentors lactation up on his phone.
“It notifies the other when you check their location which is why I didn’t want to use it. But he isn’t far. It’s a five minute drive.
Atsushi nodded. A little confused. “You’re gonna.. let an enemy- go with you?”
Chuuya shrugged. “Technically I’m not supposed to be looking for Dazai but I don’t care. As much as I hate the bastard I have to admit I do care about him. Now are you coming or what?”
Atsushi nodded. Following Chuuya to his motorcycle.
They made it to the motel. Chuuya couldn’t really risk being seen with no disguise so he put his hair up in a bun and took his coat off, draping it over his shoulder. He wasn’t wearing his usual outfit so he should be at least somewhat disguised.
Atsushi decided to be the one to talk to the receptionist. She told them someone with the description he gave did book a room. She went on saying she wasn’t supposed to give the room number but they were desperate and said they’d pay extra, so eventually she caved.
They took the elevator and made it to his room. Atsushi went to knock but Chuuya grabbed his arm.
“What? Aren’t we gonna-“
“One moment kid. I know you’re worried but we cant just storm in there. We don’t know what we’re gonna find in there.”
Atsushi visibly gulped. He forgot Chuuya probably seen the worst of Dazai.
“Okay. I’ll let you go first.”
Chuuya knocked on the door. “Dazai? You in there?”
They looked at each other with concern. He knocked two more time before deciding to just use his ability to unlock the door. He didn’t want to pay for damages.
They waked in and assessed the room. It was empty. And quiet. too quiet. As it has been with Dazai recently.
Atsushi suddenly felt his hair stick up. He took a deep breath and walked further. He saw the bathroom light on and as he got closer he felt his heart pounding.
“Dazai?”
The door was cracked open. He didn’t know if this was an invasion of privacy but he went for it anyway.
He slowly opened the door.
He stopped in his tracks.
The sight in front of him…
What the.
Fuck.
Atsushi was frozen in fear. There was pill bottles on the floor, broken glass, blood, he could smell blood and alcohol, he saw Dazai’s phone on the bowl of the sink...
When his eyes reached the tub he screamed.
He screamed as loud as he did in years.
The sight in front of him was his mentor. A bloody mess. His eyes rolled back, he was twitching slightly. He was foaming from the mouth.
He couldn’t stop screaming. Suddenly his vision was blurred. He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was back in the orphanage. He felt this sensation after being abused.
He gasped for air, still screaming. He felt a pair of arms on his shoulders. It brought him back from his panic. He turned to see who it was.
Chuuya. It was Chuuya.
“It’s okay. Don’t- don’t panic. It’s just going to make everything worse. D-don’t move. There’s glass fucking everywhere. I’m so fucking..” Chuuya’s lip trembled for a second. He didn’t seem like he was going to cry, he looked scared. Really fucking scared. “I’m so sorry kid. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
He pushed past the traumatized Atsushi, still frozen in fear but more aware of his surroundings.
He watched Chuuya in action. Not daring to move until instructed.
“Fuck.” He huffed. “Fucking shit what the fuck! Shitty fucking mackerel!” He was breathing heavily yet he knew exactly what to do. He crouched next to the tub and listened for breathing. he was relived when he managed to hear it Faintly.
“Weretiger!” He yelled. Atsushi looked up and nodded to let him know he heard him. Wiping his eyes.
“Call that shitty agency doctor of yours. And we might need an ambulance. Ask her first though. If she asks for details give the phone to me. I want you to sit and wait till she gets here.”
Atsushi, still shaken up yet determined to save his mentor ran for him phone. He dialed Yosano’s number quickly and waited for an answer.
“Hello?” She said from the other side.
“Y-Yosano..w-we I-we-“
“Woahh- slow down. What’s wrong? You sound shaken up. What the fuck happened. Didn’t you go check on Dazai? What did he do?”
Atsushi took a deep breath and sniffled to compose himself. “He- he tried to kill himself. I-I’m here with executive Chuuya. H-he was also looking for Dazai-I..I found him. He-he’s trying to help him but he needs you-he needs your help and doesn’t know if we should call an ambulance.”
“Okay. Atsushi you’re doing so good. Give the phone to Chuuya I’m on my way. What’s the address?”
He gave Yosano the address before giving the phone to Chuuya. He sat down on the motels bed. He needed to calm himself down. He couldn’t look at Dazai. He’d probably have another panic attack.
“Okay. Chuuya. How’s he looking? What’s the damage.”
Chuuya sighed. “It’s a serious one. He took five bottles of random shit on top of sleep pills. He also drank and slit his wrists.”
“Did you get him out of the tub? I’m on my way. I’m bringing backup.” I’ll transport him to a hospital myself. Don’t worry about an ambulance.”
Chuuya nodded as though she could see him. “I moved the glass out of the way and put him on the bathroom floor. I think it’s only been about fifteen minutes considering he still has a pulse and breath sounds.
“Okay. I’m here. I’m giving the receptionist my id so I don’t have to go through this bullshit. What’s his room number?”
“45. Second floor.”
She hung up after that and Chuuya threw the phone on the floor, cleaning the blood off his former partner. He’d done this many times before in the past.
Atsushi jumped at the sound of the door opening. He saw Yosano rush into the bathroom with a medical bag and then Kunikida along with Kyoka and Junichiro followed.
Kyoka and Junichiro were mainly there to comfort Atsushi and Kunikida was there to help Yosano and Chuuya. Atsushi was grateful he had people here to distract him.
***
“Chuuya I need you to stay with us. Is there anyway we can disguise you go the hospital? He’s gonna freak out if you aren’t there.”
Chuuya continued cleaning up the blood off and nodded. “I don’t look nearly as suspicious when I’m not wearing my hat. I’ll just give them a fake name.”
“Good okay. We need to get the drugs out of his system.”
Yosano stuck an iv in him. Not long after, he woke up.
This wasn’t going to do much of course. It wasn’t nearly enough to drain everything, just enough to make him conscious for a little while.
When dazai opened his eyes he started kicking and thrashing. Chuuya got on top of his legs, his ability nullifying as soon as he touched him.
“Dazai. Hey. It’s me. It’s chuuya. We’re gonna take you to the hospital.”
Dazai looked up at him and calmed down.
“I’m in pain what the fuck. Shit why are you- who- what is going on?” He rasped out.
He tried to look down but Chuuya lifted his head up.
“Stay looking at me. We’re not trying to have you pass out again.”
Dazai look at his perplexed. He saw Kunikida next to him but didn’t comment on it.
“I think I’m gonna throw up.” He said quickly.
“Okay. I got you.” Kunikida placed a bucket in front of him and watched as Chuuya distracted him until he vomited.
Dazai looked up at Chuuya. He frowned. His lips were purple, his eyes were sunken with small pupils, his eye bags were more prominent than ever, he was sweating. His breaths were coming out slow and jagged.
“I should’ve fucking answered you dammit. I could’ve prevented this.”
“No’t Chi’bis fault.” He said, slurrring his words and dragging the word fault.
Yosano nodded. “He’s right. It was no one’s fault. We should’ve noticed he was doing bad.. again.”
Kunikida sighed. “We noticed, we just didn’t think it was this bad.”
Yosano nodded.
Chuuya huffed and brushed his hair out of his face. Reaching over to move the bangs out of Dazai’s face. “Is the Atsushi kid okay? He seemed super scared when he walked in on him. He was the one that found him.”
Yosano sighed. “He might be a little traumatized. It’s okay, we brought some of the younger remembers to distract him. Knowing him, he won’t want to go home until he knows Dazai is okay.”
Chuuya nodded.
Kunikida peeked into the bathroom again. “I’m taking the kids home. You get him to the hospital. I’ll attempt to convince Atsushi not to stress too much.”
Yosano nodded. “Tell him I’ll call and update him.” She threw Atsushi’s phone to Kunikida and he caught it. Waving goodbye and thanking Chuuya for the help before leaving.
They waited until the kids left to exit the building with Dazai. He couldn’t really stand so Chuuya carried him. He sat in the back with him as Yosano drove to the hospital.
He noticed Dazai’s eyes were starting to close again.
“Stay with me Osamu.” He said quietly, gripping onto his hand to bring him back.
“I-Chuu? What.. what are you doing here?”
Chuuya sighed. He was tired and stressed. “We’re taking you the emergency room.”
Dazai surprisingly didn’t freak out.
The ride was quiet.
Too quiet.
~
A few hours later, everything seemed to be decently better. A lot less stressful.
That was, until Dazai gained consciousness.
He was freaking out when he realized where he was. His IV was secured into his had since he had the tendency to rip them out. The sound of the heart monitor beeping and the smell of antiseptic was not comforting either.
After he found out Atsushi found him. That set him off.
“Fuck! I don’t mean for this to happen!” He shook anxiously in the bed, tears threatening to spill.
Yosano grabbed his hand and Chuuya did the same.
“He’s fine. I called him saying you’re okay. He’s fine now. Stop freaking out. We’re just trying to help you.” Yosano said reassuringly
Chuuya smiled at him sadly. “I should’ve answered. I could’ve did something to prevent this.” He repeated like earlier.
Dazai shook his head, regretting it instantly because he was under a medication that made him sickly. In attempt to remove the drugs from his system. “I did this to myself, Chuuya.” He blinked to bogey past the dizziness. “I’ve been planning this for months. You weren’t meant to find me.”
Yosano sighed. “If we were only twenty minutes later you would’ve died. But we don’t let you go too easily.”
Dazai blinked at her tiredly. He sighed and closed his eyes.
“Of course. They care about me.” He thought as he drifted to sleep.
***
“Dazai?” He heard someone nudge him in his sleep. He opened his eyes. It was Chuuya.
“Hmm? Where’s Yosano?” He yawned, attempting to move his arms but they felt like lead.
“She went to talk to the doctors and fill out paper work.. trying to get you out of the psych ward.”
Dazai saw Chuuya was sitting on the edge of the bed. Coffee in hand.
“What time is it?” He asked innocently.
“3am.” He responded.
Dazai nodded.
There was silence, not uncomfortable but not comfortable either.
“Why’d you call me? Was it a goodbye?” Chuuya asked after a few moments.
Dazai took a bit to answer, but nonetheless nodded.
Chuuya sighed. “You should’ve just reached out if you were feeling bad again. I would’ve spent time with you. That was your first serious attempt since we were seventeen.”
“I know. I’m sorry. You know how I get Chuuya.” He said with hoarseness in his voice.
“Don’t apologize. I know you’re guilty but you aren’t sorry. It’s not entirely your fault you felt that way.”
Dazai hummed.
Suddenly, the door opened. Yosano came back with a glass of water for Dazai and a Fruit cup for herself.
“Here. You need water. Drink it.” She handed it to him before sitting in the armchair. She didn’t even question why Chuuya, a known enemy, was sitting on his Coworkers bed. She knew why.
Dazai slowly sipped the water. Hissing in pain. Chuuya quickly leaned over to help him.
Yosano had to go back home but Chuuya spent the night. In the morning, he showered.
Chuuya of course eventually had to go back to work, but whenever he wasn’t working he was with Dazai. He knew he needed him right now.
A few days later, Dazai was being prepared for discharge. He needed to be on strict bed rest and wasn’t allowed back to work for at least two weeks: ordered by Fukuzawa of course.
Chuuya and Dazai were chatting. Comfortable in each other’s presence. That was until there was a knock at the door.
They both looked to see who was entering. It was Kyoka and of course, Atsushi.
Chuuya waved at Kyoka and gave an awkward hug to Atsushi, condolences or whatever.
Kyoka watched as Atsushi and Dazai interacted.
Atsushi stared for a minute his lip trembled and he ran to hug his mentor. He hated seeing him like this.
Dazai was taken aback, but did returned the hug.
“I’m sorry I put you through so much Atsushi. I hadn’t meant for you to find me. I’m so, so sorry you were the one to see me in that state. I promise to never traumatize you like that again if I can manage it.
Atsushi smiled and nodded, sniffling and giving him one more hug.
And then, he was discharged.
~
“Fucking mackerel! Drink the damn tea!”
Dazai rolled his eyes. “I’m recovering from a suicide attempt not a cold.”
“Oh hush. You need the nutrients anyway. Just fucking drink it.”
He begrudgingly took the tea and sipped it. “Thank you nurse chuuya!” He said sarcastically joyfully.
“Oh hush. Thanks to you, I have to have you live with me for the next few months.”
Dazai smiled. “Yay! A way to torment you!” Dazai giggled.
“Fucking hell.”
Chuuya was glad he was here. He was glad he was okay. He didn’t know what he’d do if he died.
“Oi mackerel. Just know, I may not show it but, I do love and care about you.”
Dazai stood stunned for a moment, but eventually smiled.
“Me too Chuuya. Thank you for caring for me. I’m glad you and the agency saved me that day.”
Dazai looked out the window. Smiling as he saw Atsushi, coming for his daily visit.
Maybe he could pull through this burden of living longer. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
As long as the people who he loves are here with him, he is sure it’ll be okay.