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Buck was tired.
He was so tired his soul ached as if someone had set his body aflame continuously and impaled a stake through his heart.
He didn't know when he stopped looking forward to going to work everyday, that familiar, warm feeling morphing into a sense of constant dread and regret for not taking the settlement. It wasn't as if the team had completely cast him out, but they made it pretty certain that they would never trust him again, not the way they used to. It hurt more than he dared to admit, but he knew that they no longer cared about the trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, so he swallowed down his feelings and continued going to work as if everything was fine; as if he wasn't one bad day away from tearing himself apart from the inside out.
Bobby didn't speak to him anymore, only offering him a quick nod whenever he spoke, in a way that screamed he wanted Buck to get the hell away from him. Eddie was still furious with him, always bringing up how much Christopher missed him, and how Buck was selfish for depriving him of another parental figure in his life just to get his job back. Chimney was a different story, one day he was angry, the next he was pitiful, and Buck thought that hurt a lot more than him just outright despising him. Hen was the only one actually trying, but Buck knew, if it came down to it, she'd choose the rest of the team over him any day.
His absence didn't really stir much within the team, and it was clear they didn't miss him so Buck had really began to rethink coming back to the 118. It was this train of thought that plagued him as he drove back to his apartment, radio off, allowing himself some time to breathe, where he didn't feel judged or pitied by anyone.
They hadn't missed him, so if he were to disappear again, would they really even care?
Before the lawsuit, the crash, the blood clots, he would've said yes without a doubt in his mind, but now? He didn't have an answer to that question and it hurt him more than anyone else would ever be able to comprehend.
He parked his car and walked up the steps to his apartment, footsteps light on the concrete as his brain kept swimming with unwanted but not unwarranted thoughts. He didn't remember putting the key in his door or taking off his shoes or hanging up his coat, but the next time he felt his consciousness return to him he was sat at his dining table, a knife led out in front of him, blade reflecting the last few rays of sun as it set outside. This was it; this was his choice.
He could put the knife away, pretend it never happened and hope that everything would get better with time, or, he could take the knife to his wrists, dig deep, and hope that he would finally be rid of this pain, this uncertainty, that felt like it was crushing him. His thoughts were blank. Memories flashed through his mind one by one; meeting Eddie for the first time, helping Bobby fight his addiction, Hen comforting him when nobody else did, Chimney's crash, finding Maddie in the snow, taking Christopher to the pier.
It all ran through his mind like a balancing act, the line between hope and hopelessness as he clasped his hand around the handle of the blade, unaware of what he was doing. Since meeting Buck, everyone's life had gotten exponentially worse. He was the link between them all and the worst days of their lives.
The first cut made him gasp. He hadn't even realised he was doing it, not really, one second he was stuck in his thoughts and the next the scent of iron filled the air as the blade dragged across his skin, leaving a crimson trail of droplets in its wake. It wasn't enough; there wasn't enough blood, he didn't hurt enough. He needed to do it better, be better, to make up for all the pain he had caused the people he was supposed to protect. This was him making up for his mistakes.
The second cut was deeper than the first, blood spilling out rapidly, as if he were a doll whose seams had been torn open and stuffing was being emptied out. The third was deeper again, the maroon liquid staining his floors as it trickled from the table to his plush rug. The rest of them all faded together into one, all he knew was pain, then relief, then a downpour of his insides as he prayed to a God he stopped believing in years ago to allow his death to be as painful as possible, to help him repay what he had broken.
His grip on the knife grew weaker and weaker, slipping from his grasp before he finally dropped it with a loud clang as it hit the hardwood table, bouncing off and landing on the floor, right in the puddle of blood. He felt a tear trickle down his cheek, and came to the startling conclusion that he was crying. Why was he crying? He was doing the right thing, ridding them of all their pain, taking the burden of his existence off his shoulders.
That's when it all hit him.
He would never joke around with Chim again, never get to drink with Hen at 10am again, never get to see Maddie's smile again, never hear Christopher's laugh again, never help Bobby cook meals for them all again, never get to tell Eddie all the things he wanted to. Suddenly, beneath all the hurt and pain and desperation, was this tiny little voice screaming at him. He didn't want to die.
He had fought like hell to come back to his family, and now he was going to leave them like this, no note, no explanation, no trying to make them see him. His heart raced as he felt the tears flow more freely. He really didn't want to die.
His phone was on the table, face down, and Buck used whatever strength he had left to flip it over, thumb shaking as he pressed it again the home button, praying that it would still recognise him despite the blood constantly trickling down his arm. Three beeps, then his finger hovered over the call button. What if Maddie answered? She would know it's him, he couldn't lie to her, but he didn't know what he would say. Jokes didn't seem appropriate in a situation like this. Then again, if he didn't press it, he would never get the chance to say anything to her again. Weighing out the options, he pressed the button.
It rung out for a few seconds before finally a male voice answered, and Buck felt a breath he hadn't realised he was holding escape him.
"911, what's your emergency?" The voice was calm, with that practiced ease that came alongside years on the job.
"Ambulance, get here quickly. I'm on blood thinners." Buck mumbled, the scrambled typing on the other end of the line giving him hope that he had understood him.
"Sir, what's the nature of your emergency? Is someone injured?" The man asked, voice steady as Buck felt him eyelids grow heavy, suddenly weighed down by exhaustion.
"I'm.. I'm so sorry." Buck's voice broke as he finally collapsed, laying in that puddle of blood as the man kept shooting questions at him over the phone, not realising that Buck wasn't there anymore.
---
The ambulance got there within 5 minutes, but by that point, Buck's heartbeat was faint, barely there as they immediately began applying pressure to his wounds, sending panicked orders over the radio to the hospital as they loaded him up in the back of the ambulance. He heard a woman's voice, trying to comfort him, assure him it would all be okay, but he didn't know if it would be. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep.
He didn't remember getting wheeled into the ER, or being moved into the hospital bed, he didn't register the crowd of people circling him, yelling orders and demands as their hands seemed to hold him together, prevented him from shattering completely. He wanted to tell them to stop, to leave him be, to save someone else, but then a memory of Eddie and Christopher played in his mind and any argument left him completely. He needed to see them again. He needed to talk to them. He needed to-
Everything went black.
---
Bobby's phone rang once. Then twice. Then three times. With a sigh, he put down his spoon and turned the hob off full heat, leaving it to simmer as he stepped out to take it. He didn't recognise the number but when he answered a female voice spoke to him.
"Hello, is this Bobby Nash?" The voice asked, polite but carrying an undercurrent of tension that made Bobby freeze.
"Yes this is he, who is this?"
"This is Nurse Celeste, I'm calling from LA General Hospital. We've had a patient admitted, a Mr Evan Buckley, and as you're labelled as his emergency contact we've called to let you know." Bobby felt his heart drop.
"Is he- Is he alright? What's happened?" Bobby asked, already grabbing his coat as he rushed to his car.
"I can't disclose information over the phone, hospital policy, but you- you should get here. Quickly." Bobby hung up, car engine running as he pulled out of the station, leaving a very baffled Chimney behind as he yelled for Bobby.
He knew it hadn't been fair to the kid, everyone freezing him out like they were, but Bobby had been angry. He had sent Buck home early, using an excuse of not needing the extra man power and now, the kid, his kid, was hurt. And he was the one who sent him home. Was he in a crash? Did his building set on fire? Did he get injured trying to help someone else? His thoughts raced as he sped down the motorway, brain barely processing when the sudden flash of sirens signalled behind him, forcing him to pull over as his fingers tapped against the wheel anxiously.
"Well well, don't you think you're driving a bit too fast, Captain?" Athena's voice was teasing, amusement immediately leaving her tone as soon as she saw the expression on Bobby's face.
"Bobby. What's wrong? What's happened?" Athena asked, tone serious as Bobby looked at her, face pale as his lower lip quivered.
"Buck- he's in the hospital. I don't know what happened, but the nurse told me to get there quick. I can't-" Bobby muttered, voice shaking as Athena nodded quickly.
"I'll give you a police escort, follow me." She got back into her car at lightning speed, sirens blaring as she cut through traffic effortlessly, Bobby following behind her as his heart kept beating rapidly in his chest.
The drive was supposed to be 10 minutes but with Athena's help, it was cut down to 5, and soon they were pulled up in the hospital parking lot as Bobby immediately rushed out, sprinting towards the front desk as he rambled off his information quickly, the nurse giving him a sympathetic look when she realised who he was.
"Follow me this way." Her voice was a whisper as Bobby followed, heart beating so loud in his ears, it felt as if his head would explode. Athena was at his side, hand clasped tightly around his forearm as she tried to steady him, but nothing helped, there was nothing she could do, all he needed was to see-
Buck.
He looked terrifyingly small in the hospital bed, especially with all those wires attached to him. There were several blood bags and two doctors sat at each side, both stitching up his arms- oh God his arms- putting him back together piece by piece as Buck's face contorted with pain, even in sleep.
"Sir?" He heard the nurse's voice distantly.
"Bobby, let's sit down. Okay?" Athena's voice was clearer, but full of unease as she dragged him over to a nearby chair, both hands on his upper arms as she manhandled him down.
"Did you see- all those cuts. Did he do that?" Bobby's voice was heartbroken, pain reflecting the same pain Athena had felt a few years prior, when May had tried to take her own life.
"I'll find out, okay? Let me go speak to the head nurse, whilst you, stay here. Watch him, he's just in that room." Athena walked off as Bobby stayed glued to his seat, eyes never leaving Buck for a second as he watched every stitch thread his skin back together, every moment his eyebrow tensed in unconscious pain, every time the doctors gave each other worried glances.
He knew what it was like to lose a child, to try your hardest to fight for them but to lose anyway, but he had never felt the pain of having to save your child from themself. Buck is such a happy kid, always smiling, even when days are hard, so how is he on this bed now, in pieces? Why didn't he ask Bobby for help? He could've helped him, he could've saved him, the way he didn't get to save his other kids. He couldn't lose him too. He had made peace with his mistakes and the fact he would never get his kids back, but he could never make peace with losing Buck, especially when he had been right there, too blind by his own betrayal to realise how much pain he was in.
Athena came back, expression grim as she took the seat next to Bobby.
"He called 911 right before he passed out. When they got there, they saw roughly a litre of blood on the floor and the- the knife he used. No sign of a break in, or defensive wounds, so they've concluded they were self inflicted. Bobby, I'm so sorry." Athena's voice grew quiet at the last few words, hand rubbing Bobby's back as he finally felt the tears fall, a sob tearing itself out of his throat before he knew what was happening.
"I sent him home- I sent him home and he did this to himself. It's my fault. I should've-" Bobby started before Athena quickly shut him up.
"I can't relate to most of what you've gone through, Bobby, but this, this I can. You couldn't have helped him, because you didn't know. He didn't tell you he was struggling, therefore, there was nothing you could've done."
"But, I'm supposed to know these things-" Athena sighed as she cut him off once more.
"Buck, is a strong kid, but he's also damaged in ways we can never understand. My guess, he didn't tell you, not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. When you were struggling with your addiction, did you tell him, or did he have to find out for himself?" Bobby froze, knowing the answer but not wanting to say it out loud.
"Difference. He tried to kill himself-" Bobby hissed.
"Key word; tried. He called 911 Bobby. He may have wanted to die in the moment but he called 911 because he wanted help, he wanted to live. Focus on that and the fact he is still here before getting in over your head." The conversation ended there, Bobby still staring at Buck as the doctors finally left the room, leaving him with mangled stitches all the way up his arms, red and inflamed.
"I can't- I can't lose another kid. I can't do it again." Bobby broke down, Athena rubbing her hand up and down his back as he pressed his head to the palm of his hands, praying, for someone to protect his kid, so he didn't have to go to another funeral with a coffin way too small to have somebody inside.
---
When Buck finally woke up, the fluorescent lights immediately blinded him, causing him to wince as he tried to move his arms to shield his face, only for a jolt of pain to leave him breathless. He looked down, spotting the bandages coating his arms as he finally realised where he was. The knife, the blood, the call, the ambulance, the hospital. What had he done?
He looked to his left, seeing a sleeping Bobby with his head on the bed, looking exhausted, like he hadn't slept for years. He tried his best not to move and disturb him, but of course, it was Bobby, so he woke up anyway. Immediately, his eyes widened and he looked a mix of relieved and terrified. Buck tried to speak but his voice came out as an uncertain croak, causing Bobby to grab a glass of water with a straw, holding it to Buck's lips as he raised his eyebrows expectantly. Buck took a sip.
"You don't have to say anything, but I just- I need to know, Buck. Why? Was it me? Was it the team?" Bobby muttered as Buck shook his head rapidly, almost choking on his water as Bobby patted his back gently.
"No- not you guys, I- I don't know. It was all so loud Bobby, it seemed like the only way to get it to stop. To make it all better." Buck mumbled as Bobby frowned, clearly not convinced.
"How would it have made everything better? A world without you in it is arguably worse, kid." Bobby smiled softly, attempting to joke as Buck promptly burst into tears, shocking Bobby as he immediately reached in to place his hand on the side of Buck's face.
"You all hate me! I just wanted to come back and you all hate me for it!" Buck gasped between sobs as Bobby frantically shook his head.
"We don't- I don't hate you Buck, I could never hate you. Why would you even think something like that?"
"You're always angry at me, Eddie barely speaks to me, Chim doesn't know whether to be my friend or my enemy and Hen is trying to act the peacekeeper when we all know she's angry too!" Buck spoke, voice bitter as Bobby felt his heart break, that little bit more.
"I was upset Buck, I thought- I thought that you'd take that settlement and we'd never see you again. I can't lose you kid, not after I've spent so long training you to be the best firefighter there will ever be, even better than me." Bobby held Buck's face in his hands, noticing how Buck's resolve seemed to crumble at that last sentence.
"I need- I need help, Bobby." Buck spoke, words echoing the past where Bobby had been in his position, breaking down on the sofa in Buck's arms, except this time, he was the one who needed to put Buck back together. And he'd do it, to save his kid, he'd give him the world.
"I know. I've got you." Bobby spoke, pulling Buck to his chest as the boy kept sobbing, looking smaller and smaller with every gasp as Bobby's hand stayed firmly at the back of his head, fingers running through strands of his hair as his heart felt lighter. Buck was in his arms, Buck was alive, and in this moment, that was all that mattered.
---
Bobby had called the rest of the team after Buck had another nap, not wanting to overwhelm him all at once.
Hen trickled in first, not saying much but sitting there, firmly holding his hand as she whispered assurances, whether to herself or him was up for debate. She didn't judge him at all, didn't interrogate him, she was just there, a steady presence to let him know everything would be okay, and that they would help him, the same steady support she had given Bobby when he needed it too.
Athena was next, coming back in to give a coffee to Bobby who refused to leave the room at all, ruffling Buck's hair before saying something along the lines of 'You've really got yourself into a pickle now, huh, Buck?' that caused him to promptly burst into tears again. It was embarrassing, to say the least, as someone who rarely cried in front of others to suddenly be crying every five minutes, but Athena's hugs made up for it. She gave good hugs.
Chim and Maddie were next, Maddie immediately rushing up to him, hugging him, holding him before thoroughly scolding him for making her worry out of her mind as Chim lingered awkwardly in the doorway. After some coaxing from Maddie, he came over and subtly burst into tears, which, he'll admit, did make Buck laugh a little bit but a quick glare from Bobby shut him up quick. Turns out, both Chim and Maddie had been terrified about losing another brother and Buck was beside himself with apologies as they all kept shutting him up, with glares, stares and literally clamping a hand over his mouth.
It ended on a good note, Maddie promising to call him later whilst Chim said he was going to head over to his apartment with Hen and get it cleaned up for when he went home, knowing a lot about removing blood stains that both freaked out and intrigued everyone sitting in the room.
Finally, Eddie showed up, looking a mix of confused and devastated as he stood in the doorway, staring at Buck as if he'd seen a ghost. Bobby excused himself, giving them time to talk properly, a luxury he hadn't given anyone else.
"Buck- oh, Evan." Eddie started, tears coming to his eyes immediately as he took Bobby's seat at his side, hesitating for a moment before he clasped his hand around Buck's, grip gentle as if he was terrified Buck would break.
"Eddie." Buck mumbled, not sure what to say in that moment. Everyone else had been simple, he knew what he needed to say, but with Eddie? He didn't know how to put any of it into words.
"What- what were you thinking!" Eddie suddenly yelled, voice full of rage as Buck winced when the grip around his fingers grew tight.
"I didn't mean to- I'm sorry." Buck whispered as Eddie's eyes widened for a moment, grip loosening as he let out a hysterical laugh.
"Don't- Don't fucking apologise, you have nothing to apologise for. I just- you could've told me Buck, I would've been there for you- you know that." A moment of silence.
"Don't you?" Silence followed.
Buck wanted to say yes, desperately, but in his heart, the one that had been ignored and neglected by his team, torn apart in more ways than one by Eddie's words, refused to let him. Because that was the truth; he didn't know if Eddie would have been there.
"You were busy." Buck argued, voice quiet as Eddie felt himself grow angry again.
"Not busy enough to not care if you died. Mierda, Buck, you're one of the most important things in my life." Eddie's words were startlingly vulnerable and Buck felt a sob rise in his throat, swallowing it down as he looked at Eddie, eyes full of caution as he struggled to fully believe his words.
"That's not- Christopher is the most important-" Eddie cut him off.
"Yes, but you're a close second. Buck, you've been there for me more times than I could count, and the one time you needed me, I wasn't there. Do you know how that feels? I thought I was going to lose you like I lost Shannon-" Buck's brow furrowed in confusion.
"I'm not your wife."
"You're something close to that." Eddie spoke, voice full of fear as he looked at Buck, desperation in his eyes as he felt the words sink in.
Oh.
Oh.
"You don't mean that." Buck's words were full of disbelief as Eddie had the audacity to laugh, laugh, at him.
"I do. I used to think I couldn't live in a world without Shannon, but when she died, it hurt, but I moved on. Buck, when Bobby called me, that moment when I thought you were dead, gone, I couldn't breathe. Cariño, it felt like my world was ending." Buck felt a tear trickle down his cheek, Eddie's hand immediately brushing it away, eyes terrifyingly soft.
"You are my life Buck. And Christopher's. When I told him you were in the hospital, he screamed the house off trying to convince me to let him see you." Buck sat up at the mention of Christopher, looking anxious.
"Where- where is he?" Buck asked as Eddie soothed him quietly.
"In the waiting room. I told him I'd come get him when you wanted to see him." Eddie assured him as Buck smiled.
"Can you- go get him please?" Buck's voice was quiet but pleading as Eddie nodded, standing up, pausing before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Buck's forehead.
"I'll be back in a minute, cariño."
"Wait." Buck called out, face red as Eddie looked at him in confusion.
"Do it properly." Buck pouted, looking away, embarrassed as a chuckle left Eddie's mouth, turning around and sitting on the bed for a moment.
Eddie's hand lifted his chin up, both of them staring at the other for a second before Eddie closed the gap. The kiss was soft, tender, and yet full of unfathomable amounts of love that made Buck's head spin. Neither of them wanted to separate but when the need for oxygen became too great, Eddie pulled back, panting slightly as Buck struggled to catch his breath, face beet read as Eddie ruffled his hair affectionately.
"Better?" He mused as Buck smiled at him.
"Better." Eddie smiled at that, getting up with a nod as he stepped out to grab Christopher, Bobby instantly coming back into the room, not wanting to leave Buck alone for a second.
"Paperwork's already filled out on my desk for when you both want to sign it." Bobby teased as Buck swatted his arm, earning himself an even heartier laugh from the Captain.
---
Christopher immediately jumped at Buck when he got in the room, despite both Bobby and Eddie warning him to be gentle. Buck couldn't give a damn, he finally had his kid back in his arms, and all he could think about in that moment was the smell of his hair, and just how big he'd gotten since he'd last seen him.
The visit went as expected; Christopher crying and asking Buck if he's okay whilst actively sobbing his heart off whilst Buck held him close to his chest, comforting his kid the way everyone else had been comforting him. It was nice, a familiar weight on his chest which made him feel as if he could finally breathe again after weeks of living on autopilot.
A nurse came in halfway through, letting them know that visiting hours were up soon, despite Bobby and Eddie attempting to argue with her over it, although she wasn't standing for any of it. 10 minutes later, they were saying their goodbyes as Bobby took Christopher out of the room, knowing Buck wanted a moment alone with Eddie before they left.
"Buck, you have to promise me. If you need me, if you have.. bad thoughts again, you'll call me. I don't care if it's the middle of the night, if you need me, I'll be there. Okay?" Buck nodded instantly, grabbing Eddie's shirt and pulling him in for another kiss, this one more heated than the last.
"Don't worry Diaz. You aren't getting rid of me just yet."
---
A few days later and Buck was being released, although he'd been signed up for mandatory counselling sessions that he needed to attend unless he wanted to be admitted to a psych ward. Bobby and Eddie had a bit of a showdown over who Buck was going to go home with, although Eddie ultimately won after Christopher proposed that he could give Bobby his key (Eddie was both happy he won and betrayed that his son was scheming against him). So, after signing all the papers, Buck walked out of the hospital, hand in hand with Eddie and Christopher as the boy talked constantly about his newest school project, in that enthusiastic way only a kid could manage.
The drive home was smooth sailing from there, and Buck finally felt at peace. Eddie had already set up a bed on his couch but after a hurt look from Buck he explained that he didn't want to be too presumptuous, to which Buck replied with a bratty retort about him becoming a parasite Eddie couldn't get rid of.
Buck offered to cook dinner for them all but Eddie sheepishly explained they had already ordered takeout, pizza, at the request of Christopher, and Buck couldn't help but laugh at how Christopher seemed to be winning everything nowadays.
Later on in the evening, after Christopher had gone to bed, they finally got a moment alone.
"I thought I'd lost you before I ever even had you." Eddie muttered under his breath, looking away as Buck turned to him.
"You didn't."
"Yeah, but I could've." Eddie retorted as Buck laughed at him.
"Eds, we could spend all day going over hypotheticals but right now, in this moment, I'm here. Christopher's here. And we're all living under the same roof like we should have been from the very beginning. I'm happy, isn't that enough?" Buck asked as Eddie smiled, pulling his face in and kissing him tenderly, pulling away with much reluctance.
"If there is ever a day where you're not happy anymore, when things get bad, promise you'll tell me." Eddie mumbled as Buck's expression softened.
"I will, but I doubt there will ever be a day like that again." He smiled, the first honest smile in a very long time as Eddie gazed into his eyes, looking for any indication that he was lying; he found nothing.
"You're stuck with me for a lifetime now, cariño."
"I wouldn't want it any other way."