Archive of Our Own

Killua currently wished to be anywhere else, and it made him feel like the worst person in the world.

Because truthfully, he had everything he could ever wish for. Here he was kissing Gon, his best friend who had also in recent times become his boyfriend, on their new couch in their still sparsely decorated but already familiar apartment. After years of being essentially on the run, the prospect of settling down for at least a while made Killua happier than he was comfortable admitting. Especially since he got to share that space with the boy he had loved for years, who was in that moment softly caressing Killua’s face as if he was something precious, something worth taking care of.

Even though it had been a few months since he and Gon became a couple, Killua sometimes still couldn’t quite believe that he existed in a reality where he could call Gon his boyfriend. For many years, he had barely even acknowledged the extent of his feelings to himself, had buried them as deeply as he could so they would never see the light of day. He had been fully prepared to take his feelings to the grave from the moment he started figuring them out at age thirteen.

Well, around that time he hadn’t expected either of them to make it much further than thirteen, but that’s neither here nor there. After a few years of limited contact following their separation, the decision was made to try travelling together again. Things had changed between them, but they also hadn’t changed at all. Difficult conversations were had. Then, a few months in, Gon confessed his feelings for Killua out of nowhere, later confirmed to have happened within 24 hours of Gon figuring them out. They kissed for the first time that same day.

And that was fine. More than fine. A part of Killua had hoped and waited the majority of his teenage years for that moment. The deep-seated need to have his feelings acknowledged, validated, returned. A tremendous burden was lifted off of Killua’s shoulders with that kiss.

But another part of him thought that the kiss was just… alright. It was clumsy, of course, both of them had no experience in this regard, and it ended up as little more than a static press of their lips for a few seconds. Though in the moment, there was nothing that could’ve curbed the euphoria that was still coursing through Killua’s veins caused by the confession. Gon pulled away from the kiss and looked at him with so much love and adoration that he thought he would explode.

It was only later, after his emotional high had receded and a few more kisses had been exchanged, that Killua admitted to himself that while he didn’t mind them, they weren’t something that he particularly desired either. Which confirmed a fear that had been brewing in the back of his mind for a while.

Over the years of being in love with his best friend, he had been waiting, first subconsciously and then consciously, for a pin to drop. For the moment to come when he would see Gon in a different light. Where the changes that puberty was supposed to bring had settled in, and he would start having different needs and desiring Gon in new, physical ways. Or something along those lines. Killua wasn’t quite sure, in all honesty.

What he did know was that there was something wrong with him. There was no way around it. He waited and waited for the way he felt about Gon to fit into his impression of what love felt like for other people, but it never happened. For a while, he doubted if he even was in love with Gon after all, if he had been wrong about his hidden feelings this whole time.

Obviously he noticed the ways in which Gon had changed physically over the years. A late growth spurt left him almost as tall as Killua in their late teens, after Killua had been consistently taller for many years. His facial features were sharper and more defined, but he never lost his open and inviting charm, while his voice settled into a comfortable baritone. And the regular workouts were clearly visible in his build. Killua wouldn’t hesitate a second in calling Gon handsome.

And yet, that wasn’t enough, was it? Gon being handsome was a fact of life, anyone could see that. And people did notice. Just last week, Killua caught a woman discreetly ogling his boyfriend at the gym while said boyfriend was busy lifting weights. After a quick flash of irrational possessiveness, Killua took a deep breath and forced himself to try and see what she was seeing. He focused on Gon’s flexing biceps, the tank top that left little of his chest to the imagination, the sweat running down his objectively handsome face — all the things he knew should be attractive to him. But besides a vaguely uncomfortable sensation in his stomach that made Killua feel awful about himself, there was nothing. Gon was just Gon.

After a few seconds, Gon noticed his staring and sent him his signature bright smile, which caused a stutter in Killua’s heart, as it so often did. Moments like those temporarily washed away his worries and confirmed to him that yes, he was definitely in love with Gon Freecss.

But whenever he was left alone with his thoughts, the doubts started to creep back in. The unshakeable feeling that Gon deserved better than him. He deserved someone who loved and desired every part of him in the way everyone else was apparently capable of. Not someone who constantly felt like he was locked out of a dimension of the human experience that was as natural as breathing to everyone else.

And the problem didn’t stop there. If only that were all. Killua was selfish, he would stay with Gon as long as he would have him, even if his conscience objected. But ever since Gon’s confession, he had been waiting for the expectations of what people did in relationships to rear their head. Eventually, people wanted to take “the next step.”

Killua saw the signs. The way Gon’s eyes would linger on him when he thought he wasn’t paying attention. The way kisses had evolved over the months, from short static presses of lips all the way to long, passionate exchanges where their bodies grew closer each time. The way Gon’s hand was currently caressing his knee, an unspoken question hanging between them. Killua knew that Gon was holding back for his sake, that he was taking it slow because Killua wasn’t initiating anything new himself. That patience would only last for so long.

Ultimately, Killua had grown to like kissing Gon. He was never actively opposed to it in the first place, but after an underwhelming first few experiences, he understood the appeal of being close to the person he loved in this way. But the thought of getting any closer than this, of hands wandering to places he wasn’t comfortable with hands being, of the crushing weight of being the direct target of another person’s desire when he didn’t know what to do with it or being able to reciprocate, was making Killua nauseous.

But he had to get through this. There was no way around it. Gon wouldn’t wait forever, it was time to get over this stupid hangup.

The first step was to deepen the kiss. Killua raised his hands and framed the lower part of Gon’s head with his palms, burying his fingers into the hair at the back of his neck. With his new grip, he pulled Gon closer to himself, increasing the speed at which his tongue moved around Gon’s. His boyfriend let out a tiny startled noise that Killua found endlessly endearing, but he quickly adapted to the new rhythm. So far, so good.

Killua hoped that him intensifying the situation first would lead to Gon gaining the confidence to take the next step, and he was rewarded. The hand that had been at his knee this whole time slowly made its way up Killua’s leg, lightly grazing his thigh all the way up to its new resting point at his hip. Gon’s other hand mirrored the first on the opposite side and pulled Killua’s lower body closer to himself, just like Killua had done to Gon with his face.

This was fine. Obviously. Totally fine. The way Killua’s breath hitched at the motion was just surprise, just like Gon’s before. And even if some kind of discomfort was spreading through Killua like a dull ache, he had experienced way worse, this was nothing he couldn’t handle. At the same time, he found it impossible to ignore how the fingers of Gon’s left hand, which had slipped under his shirt, were currently burning themselves into his skin.

The only thing Killua could think of to make the sensation go away was to keep moving; don’t linger, just keep going. So now that they were as oriented towards each other as their current position would allow, Killua slowly let himself fall backwards. He let go of Gon’s head with one hand to support himself behind him on his way to lying flat on the couch.

Gon thankfully followed him instantly and crawled closer and closer to avoid breaking their kiss. Killua instinctively spread his legs to accommodate Gon’s knees between them, which he immediately regretted. It made him feel vulnerable in a way he didn’t quite understand but definitely didn’t like. But no going back now.

Once Killua was lying all the way down, Gon moved his hands from his hips to squeeze his arms on either side of Killua’s torso, supporting his weight on the slim couch while barely hovering above him. The relief from the burning sensation finally leaving Killua’s hip was immediately replaced by the suffocating feeling of being completely caged in. It was getting harder for Killua to ignore the screaming in the back of his mind that adamantly told him that he did not want this.

At the same time, Killua found himself growing more and more frustrated. What the hell was wrong with him? Nothing about this situation warranted his instincts to go this crazy. He trusted Gon with his life. He’d been this close or closer to Gon physically in countless other moments in his life, and he had been completely fine.

And what was this huge deal about sex anyway? Killua wasn’t a prude. He might not have grown up in a household that was big on sex education, but he knew how to use the internet. He had a curious phase where he looked up all the things boys in early puberty were interested in. Sex wasn’t something that repulsed him by itself, he understood why every other human being on this goddamn planet liked it.

So why was it that any notion of sex that involved himself made him want to tear his skin off?

He hadn’t realized until this very moment how much he had subconsciously hoped that his lifelong unease was just nervousness caused by inexperience. That engaging in sexual acts with someone else would be mostly fine when he got there after all. Instead, things turned out much worse. He hated this, and he kind of hated himself because of that.

Still, he was determined to go through with his plan. So what he hated this? He had experienced objectively much worse than this. He wouldn’t take this experience away from Gon. He wouldn’t let this be the reason for Gon to leave him behind. He’d just have to learn to at least tolerate this as well.

Of course, it was at this exact moment that Gon broke the kiss. Killua slowly opened his eyes to see Gon looking down at him, out of breath but seemingly content and with a low-key excitement burning in his eyes. After a few more seconds of catching his breath, he asked, “Is this okay?” to the person below him.

Stupid, considerate Gon. Killua didn’t trust his voice, and he knew that any attempt at a smile would be immediately identified as insincere by his stupidly perceptive boyfriend. So Killua just nodded quickly and immediately pulled Gon down by his neck again to continue kissing him. He hoped it read as eagerness to continue, which seemed to be the case when he felt Gon letting out a chuckle against his lips and relaxing on top of him again.

Killua could practically feel the way Gon was vibrating against him with excitement. The two of them had never really talked about going further than making out, but Killua felt affirmed in his observation that Gon had been waiting for him to give a sign that he was ready. He couldn’t suppress the shame he felt at the thought that he would probably never be ready, and that he had to pretend instead.

Before he could get too into his head about this, he decided to get moving again. The faster he escalated the situation, the sooner it would be over, right. So he started to loosen his hands around Gon’s neck with the goal of sliding them down his chest. But the angle was awkward, their chests too close to move further than his collarbones, so in the end, Killua let his hands sit there, not quite knowing what to do now. His initial idea had been to move them all the way down to Gon’s waistband, but he couldn’t deny the slight relief he felt at that idea not working out as intended.

He didn’t have much time to consider his next move before Gon slowed down their kiss until he was only lightly pecking Killua on his lips. Then Gon started moving his mouth to the corner of them, then down his cheek, leaving soft kisses in his path. Once Gon reached the underside of Killua’s left ear, he whispered, “I’m gonna try something, okay?”

Killua had a feeling about what Gon’s idea was, so he craned his head to the side to give Gon better access to his neck. He felt the smile on Gon’s lips as he continued his trail of kisses down Killua’s neck. Having nothing left to actively occupy himself with, Killua stared up at the ceiling, mind racing.

Positioned where he wanted to be at the junction between his neck and his shoulder, Gon began applying more pressure with his mouth again. A shudder went through Killua’s whole body as Gon’s teeth lightly grazed the sensitive skin there. The sensation wasn’t terrible, but it took most of Killua’s willpower not to squirm in Gon’s hold. Instead, he dropped his hands to the couch below him and buried his fingers, trying not to destroy it with his claws in the process.

His heartbeat was embarrassingly fast, but at least that could be interpreted as excitement. He forced himself to relax and consciously let himself breathe heavier than he strictly needed to. If this was going to work, his body needed to communicate that he was enjoying himself. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could convince himself, too.

All of that went out the window when one of Gon’s hands unexpectedly made its way below Killua’s shirt and began exploring his chest. The sudden, unexpected skin contact caused everything in Killua to contract and his breathing to stop. For an endless moment, his whole being was fully overwhelmed by these touches he just wanted to stop.

He desperately wished that he were still kissing Gon. That was something he could focus on, something to distract himself with up until now. Instead, his mind was now fully free to focus on how trapped he felt like this, and the burning trails Gon’s hand left along his torso.

Before Killua could force himself to relax again, Gon thankfully removed his hand from below his shirt. He also lifted his head from Killua’s neck and put some distance between them, an apologetic smile dancing on his lips. “Too much?” he asked sheepishly.

Realizing that there was no use in lying, Killua gave a sharp nod while mumbling out a “yeah.” He currently found it hard to look directly into Gon’s eyes, but since he took up most of his vision, Killua didn’t exactly have a choice. After a beat of uncertain silence, a slight frown formed on Gon’s face. Shit.

“Are you okay?”

That was the last thing Killua wanted to hear. Once Gon’s intuition picked up on something, it was usually incredibly hard to convince him otherwise. Still, he had to try.

“Of course,” Killua replied. It didn’t sound very convincing even to his own ears. Against his better judgment, he tried to reassure Gon with a smile, but that also felt too shaky on his lips to possibly be convincing.

He lifted his hands towards Gon’s face once more to try and salvage the situation, but before he could even make contact, Gon pulled himself up and sat back on his heels. Instant relief filled Killua. On the other hand, Gon’s expression had turned into an open mix between skepticism and confusion that didn’t bode well for him.

“Are you sure? It’s okay if something makes you uncomfortable, you know. You don’t have to hide it.”

Killua pushed himself up onto his elbows so he could look at Gon better. “It’s fine, Gon,” he answered, trying to keep the defensive edge out of his voice that was threatening to come out.

He kept his face as neutral as he could while Gon studied him again for a moment. Judging by the sigh he let out and the hand he ran across his forehead, he wasn’t convinced by what he saw. “Killua, you have to tell me when something I do upsets you, so I can stop. I can’t read your mind.”

Killua’s eyebrows pushed together in irritation. This was starting to remind him of conversations they had had in the past about different topics, and he didn’t like the implications of that one bit. “I’m serious, it’s fine,” Killua reiterated. “I’m fine.”

“But you didn’t look fine just now,” Gon stressed. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, ever, but here it’s especially important. Please.”

A sudden flash of anger overcame Killua. Why couldn’t Gon just let this go? Who cared if he was uncomfortable. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was?

Killua sat back up, knowing that there was no way they were continuing what they began earlier, and crossed his arms and legs while avoiding Gon’s gaze. “Drop it, Gon,” he maintained. “It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to worry.”

“Of course it matters!” Gon retorted, becoming more and more frustrated. “Why would I just ignore something you’re clearly uncomfortable with that I did?”

Before Killua could reconsider, his eyes locked onto Gon’s, and he said, “It doesn’t matter because I can take it.” The implications of that sentence only began to crystallize in his mind when he saw the way Gon’s eyes widened in shock. He had said too much. There was no coming back from this.

It took a few seconds for Gon to collect himself. “W-what do you mean you can ‘take it’? What are we even talking about anymore?” His stare demanded a reply, but Killua was frozen in place, unable to think of anything in that moment. When he didn’t answer, Gon kept going. “I don’t understand, Killua. Please help me, am I an idiot? What is happening here?” he pleaded.

Killua’s inner voice screamed at him in the back of his mind to say something, but it reached him muddled and far away, unable to break his stasis. He could see the understanding dawning on Gon’s face anyway. “Were… were you forcing yourself? The whole time?”

This was it. Killua had ruined it. Months of trying to be an acceptable boyfriend down the drain because he couldn’t even pretend for 20 minutes. But he probably had been doomed from the start, unable to be attracted to his goddamn boyfriend. Gon had every right to be angry, to be hurt, to demand an explanation, and then ask Killua to leave.

What he didn’t expect was the look of absolute devastation on Gon’s face, followed immediately by tears welling up in his eyes that he was trying to hold back, but ultimately failing at.

“…Gon?” Killua uttered in disbelief.

As the tears began to fall, Gon started to furiously wipe them away, but new ones just kept coming and coming. “Crap, sorry, I-” was all Gon could say before a sob tore itself from his throat. He gave up fighting it as the tears turned into an endless stream, pulling up his knees to his chest and putting his face into his hands, quietly sobbing into them.

Panic threatened to overtake Killua. After all these years, he still didn’t know how to deal with Gon crying in front of him, much less so when he didn’t even really understand why Gon was crying to begin with. He was supposed to be angry, to continue arguing with him like he just had, and yes, Killua had expected him to be hurt as well, but not to the point where he crumbled like this in front of him, unable to do anything but cry.

Killua truly was the worst. But he had to make this better somehow.

He scooted closer to Gon until he sat directly across from him, and waited for him to let it all out. Killua couldn’t trust that his touch would be welcome, so he sat there motionlessly, trying to be patient. The only sounds filling the room were Gon’s muted sobbing and the distant ticking of the clock in their kitchen. Every second felt like an eternity.

At last, Gon calmed down again. He crossed his legs in front of him, mirroring Killua, and dropped his hands into his lap. He fixed his gaze on them for a while, but eventually looked up at Killua, a sheepish expression on his face that clashed with his red-rimmed eyes and obviously miserable constitution. Still, he gave Killua the best smile he could muster. “Hey,” he said softly.

Killua breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He tried to smile back, but it was possibly even shakier. To avoid the conversation for a few more seconds, he looked around until he saw a box of tissues on the small table beside their couch, which he could just barely reach without having to get up.

Gon took the box with a thankful smile and blew his nose loudly. Before he was even fully done, he already began talking. “Sorry for that. Guess I always have to make everything about myself, huh,” Gon tried joking, but Killua didn’t indulge him by laughing. Gon always meant these kinds of statements too much.

“Don’t say that,” Killua mumbled. After a moment of hesitancy, he reached out and slowly took Gon’s hands into his own, giving Gon more than enough time to deny the contact if he wanted to, but he comfortingly curled his fingers around Killua’s instead.

“So,” Killua started, knowing they needed to talk about this one way or another, “what was that about just now?”

The look in Gon’s eyes made Killua think that he was immediately going to start crying again. Instead, Gon took a deep breath and started rambling. “I’m sorry, Killua, I’m so sorry, I… I s-should’ve noticed your discomfort so much sooner, I knew you probably weren’t ready to go any further for a while now and that’s okay, I swear that’s perfectly fine, and I was trying really hard to make sure I didn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to do, but apparently I failed miserably and… and…”

Killua’s eyes widened as the realization of what Gon’s interpretation of the situation was dawned on him, but Gon kept going. “And I could’ve seen the signs just now, you were so tense and unnatural, but I thought you were just nervous and kept going while you didn’t want this because I got so caught up in the situation.” Gon was beginning to cry again. “I’m just so sick of hurting you without realizing it because I can’t control myself and-”

“No, Gon, stop, stop,” Killua interrupted. The sorrow in Gon’s eyes was killing him, and it was all his fault. He had massively fucked up. “It’s not your fault at all. I wanted you to keep going.”

Gon’s disbelief at that statement was written all over his face as he sniffled. “Please don’t lie, you obviously didn’t want-”

“No, I’m serious,” Killua interrupted again. He really didn’t want to, but there was no way of clearing this misunderstanding without coming clean. “It’s not your fault at all, I swear. I… didn’t like what we were doing, but I wanted to keep going. I actively encouraged you to keep going.”

The look of utter confusion on Gon’s face would’ve been comical in any other situation. He was obviously having a hard time wrapping his head around this situation. Killua couldn’t really blame him. Gon asked the obvious follow-up question. “Why would you do that…?”

This was it. “I-” Killua’s throat was closing up at what he was going to say next. “I don’t like you, like that,” he just barely managed to get out.

He saw the split second in which he just broke Gon’s heart. It only took another second for him to realize that he was a total idiot. Why was that the first thing he said? He could punch himself, absolutely the wrong thing to start with.

“No, I mean, Gon,” he stumbled over his words. He hadn’t thought that he’d ever talk about this with anyone, much less Gon, but now that he was doing this, there was no way he was going down without a fight. He didn’t know if it would ultimately be enough to save their relationship, but he would try his hardest to explain himself in the meantime. “I love you. That has always been true. Getting together with you is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and these past few months have been amazing.”

Killua’s cheeks were burning from being this direct about his feelings, but he was fighting for his life here. Since Gon hadn’t retracted his hands from Killua’s hold yet, he started running his thumbs over the back of Gon’s hands, mostly to comfort himself. He couldn’t read the look on Gon’s face, but he was paying attention to what Killua was saying, which was all he could ask for.

“I… I love you so much, but for some reason, it’s just not enough? Or different than it should be? I don’t know, there’s just something wrong with me, Gon. I desperately wish I loved you like you deserved, but I can’t, it just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Was he even making sense? Did these sentences he was saying mean anything? He had no idea, but there was nothing he could do but keep going.

“My whole life, I’ve just always been kind of confused about how people ‘want’ the people they are in love with. Or just want people in general. It feels like everyone is lying sometimes, but obviously they aren’t, so it’s me. And I understand, like, objectively. I understand that everyone is attracted physically like that to others, but I don’t get it. I understand what makes others attractive, but I don’t get it.”

Still nothing from Gon that gave away what he was thinking, when he was usually such an open book. He couldn’t think about it too hard, he wasn’t done yet.

“Because of all this, I was really confused about what my feelings for you were for a long time. I knew I liked you differently from a friend, but also not like a boyfriend should. I would’ve never confessed to you if you hadn’t first. And I know now, I love you, I want to spend my life with you.” He let out a shaky breath. “But I always knew that it wouldn’t be enough one day.

“I… don’t want to have sex.” This was mortifying, the worst thing to talk about imaginable. “I don’t think I ever will. But I knew from the day that I started figuring out my feelings for you that one day I’d have to, if I wanted to be your boyfriend. At first, I waited, thought it would come one day, that I was just young. But then you confessed, and I selfishly accepted without being there yet.

“So I waited and waited and kept you waiting, and my feelings didn’t change, so I accepted that I’d just have to try. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be that bad, even if I didn’t actively want it. But… I hate it.” Killua’s eyes widened at his own words. So far, he had been downplaying what just happened in his mind, still convincing himself that it wasn’t actually that bad, but having talked through everything just now, he finally realized that he really, truly hated it. “It made me feel nauseous. I don’t like being touched like that.”

With that realization came a conclusion that finally caused tears to gather in his eyes. “I’m so sorry that I can’t be who you want. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose you.” He curled in on himself, a sharp pain striking his heart at the hopelessness of the situation. There was no way out now.

Panic gripped his heart for the split second in which Gon let go of his hands, convinced that this was it. Killua was ready to bolt out the door to escape his shame. He would have, if the second hadn’t ended with Gon’s arms tightly wound around him, his forehead suddenly pressing into Gon’s chest.

The hug was kind of uncomfortable. Gon’s hugs always leaned towards being too tight, and Killua’s arms were stuck between their bodies, unable to reciprocate. The position of his face against Gon’s chest didn’t leave a lot of breathing room, and their legs were kind of in the way between them, pressing together uncomfortably.

And yet the only thing that registered in Killua’s mind was the familiarity of Gon’s body. The comfortable warmth it radiated that felt like home. The smell of the sea that always stuck to it, no matter how far they were from any shore. The shape of it that had changed considerably in the past couple of years, and yet always felt familiar, always felt like Gon. The body he saw and felt destroyed beyond recognition. The body he fell asleep with and woke up beside.

The rush of emotions overcoming Killua made him cry even harder. Gon, doubting himself, loosened his embrace at Killua’s reaction, but Killua just used this opportunity to free his arms and properly hugged Gon back, crying into his shoulder without restraint.

The future was uncertain. Killua had confessed things that he was convinced he would never say out loud. He couldn’t take back those words now, they were out in the world, and the vulnerability was terrifying. But at the same time, an immense weight had been lifted off his shoulders that he hadn’t been aware was weighing on him that much. Being honest about his experiences and trying to put them into words, even if some of those words still felt confusing or not quite right, was incredibly freeing. For the first time, Killua wondered if maybe it was okay. If he was okay. And since Gon’s arms had tightened around him again, maybe there was a world where they could make this work somehow.

They sat there intertwined for a few minutes while Killua cried out his pent-up emotions. Only after calming down did he notice how Gon had started swaying them softly from side to side. Killua smiled briefly despite his emotional exhaustion, and then began to slowly detach himself from Gon once he felt calm enough. As much as he appreciated the proximity, they weren’t in the best position for an extended hug.

He willed himself to look at Gon. Amber eyes returned the stare, both of them assessing the other. It was still obvious that Gon had cried just as much as Killua had only a few minutes ago, his eyes red and tender, still sniffling despite the tissue earlier. He might have cried again while Killua was bawling. They both must look like messes.

After a few more seconds, Gon sighed, and his eyes turned soft. “That’s fine, Killua,” he simply said.

While hope had started to bloom in Killua’s chest, he still couldn’t quite believe it. “Really?” he asked, voice weaker than he wanted.

Gon nodded decisively. “Yeah.” He smiled encouragingly at Killua. “I don’t mind. Or we’ll figure it out, I don’t know. But I want to stay with you. And I want to have all kinds of new experiences with you, but only the ones you also want. Okay?”

Killua swallowed. It was hard to push down the objections rising up in his mind. Is a relationship like that possible? Gon might say it’s fine now, but could it last? Is what he can offer really enough?

But seeing that familiar determined glint in Gon’s eyes, subdued but still unmistakable, he knew that he at least needed to try.

“Okay.”

Gon nodded decisively. “Good,” he replied, a grin starting to take shape, just to be immediately interrupted.

“But Killua,” Gon whined, a pout forming on his lips, “you promised! You promised you’d tell me when something was bothering you, especially when it was me being an idiot and hurting you.”

A spike of shame hit Killua once again, and he buried his face in his hands with a groan. “I know, I’m sorry.” He quickly looked up, however, and fixed Gon with a stare. “But it wasn’t your fault, okay? I forced myself because I felt like I had to like it, since everyone else apparently does. I thought this was something that needed to be fixed for a really long time. Still kind of think there’s something wrong with me, but if you say it’s okay for you then whatever. You did nothing wrong.”

Gon still didn’t look completely convinced, but Killua continued staring intently at him. He had gotten better over the years at telling Gon when he was being hurtful, but he absolutely couldn’t let Gon think that this was somehow his fault. If anything, Killua had been an idiot for not even considering that forcing Gon into this situation might be cruel to him.

After a few more seconds, Gon nodded carefully. He might not be fully convinced yet, but Killua would try his hardest to make it right again over time.

Silence stretched between them for a moment, which Killua used to find the tissue box to blow his own nose. It had been a while since he cried this much and he felt disgusting.

“Can you promise again?”

“Huh?” Killua looked up at Gon.

“Can you promise again to talk to me when something bothers you? Even if you think it’s not my fault, but also with things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to suffer on your own. Please?”

How Gon could look so pleading and earnest about this request made little sense to Killua. Part of him still wasn’t convinced that his discomfort was worth this amount of investment from another person. But Killua would try his best to be better. If not for himself, then at least for Gon.

Killua nodded and extended his pinky wordlessly to Gon, who gladly wrapped his own around it. The ritual was comforting. Some things never changed. Not even the rush of blood to Killua’s cheeks as they pressed their thumbs together, even if it wasn’t as intense as it used to be.

The way Gon was visibly invested in their hand motions never failed to make Killua smile. However, right as they finished the chant, Gon’s endearing focus disappeared as a thought struck him. He looked up at Killua. “Wait, what about kissing? Do you like that?”

Killua grew even redder. Would this ever get easier? “That’s fine, I promise,” he said.

“But do you like it?” Gon repeated.

Killua hesitated. He could nudge the truth slightly. The thought of destroying Gon’s memories of the last few months broke his heart. But he just promised, and even half-truths might hurt them in the long run.

“I don’t really care for making out.” He just barely stopped himself from adding ‘unfortunately’ at the end. “But I swear it doesn’t make me uncomfortable either.”

Gon nodded but deflated a little, even if he tried to hide it. Trying not to overthink it, Killua pulled Gon towards him by their still-connected pinkies and leaned forward to press his lips against Gon’s. Traces of tears and snot made this far from their most pleasant kiss, and yet the lifted weight of further expectations looming over him turned this into the first kiss Killua enjoyed fully since the day Gon confessed.

He leaned back again after a few seconds. “But I like this,” he confessed, unable to hide his embarrassment completely.

The way Gon smiled at him truly made Killua believe for the first time that they would be alright.