Work Text:
land(o) lord
Lando:
love, where are you?
Oscar:
this is Oscar Piastri btw
Lando:
since when did you start using your maiden name again?
still want to know where you are, sweetheart
Oscar:
Lando, are you drunk?
it’s race week, you shouldn’t drink this much alcohol
Lando:
who cares?
i’m not the one driving those cars anymore
but no, i’m not drunk
i promised you i won’t drink
Oscar:
then what the hell are you talking about?
what you mean you’re not driving them anymore?
Lando, qualifying is tomorrow
Lando:
of course i know that
but like i retired 5 years ago
Oscar:
did you hit your head?
is there someone with you who can keep an eye on you?
Lando:
YOU were supposed to be here with me
i woke up in our bed and you were gone
Oscar:
our bed?
I have my own
Lando:
are you mad at me or something?
i’m sorry if i did something to make you mad
come home, love
i miss you
Oscar:
is this some joke?
Lando, it’s not funny
please stop
Lando:
osc what
baby, what’s wrong?
Oscar:
stop calling me these nicknames
what is your problem
Lando:
osc i always call you these
did something happen?
Oscar:
yeah, obviously something happened to your head
where are you?
I’m gonna check on you
Lando:
i’m in our house, i already told you
Oscar:
Lando, we don’t have “our house”
Lando:
yes we do
we have been living here for 10 years now
in England
did you forget?
maybe YOU hit your head
Oscar:
so you’re in England rn?
Lando:
yes
Oscar:
well what the fuck you doing there
you’re supposed to be in Japan
I talked to you yesterday evening
how did you get to England so quickly?
Lando:
what you talking about
we went to sleep together yesterday
i literally let you sleep on my chest and played with your hair until you fall asleep
Oscar:
that never happened
what
Lando:
oscar you’re scaring me
you’re in Japan?
Oscar:
yes?
I told you it’s race week
in Suzuka
Lando:
why are you there?
you’re not driving any car either anymore
Oscar:
umm, yes I am??
I drive for McLaren?
and you’re the second driver
Lando:
oscar, we both retired 5 years ago
Oscar:
are you telling me I retired from formula 1 even before I started racing there??
it’s 2026
my first season was in 2023
Lando:
love, it’s 2039
Oscar:
no, the fuck it’s not??
let me get some help cuz I’m going crazy
business chat (george said)
Oscar:
I think something’s wrong with Lando
Max:
oh, you finally noticed
Carlos:
took you long enough
Ollie:
who are you and what did you do to the real Oscar
cuz he would NEVER speak about him like this
Charles:
I find it suspicious too
Kimi:
he must have done something really deranged to make Oscar react like this
Isack:
maybe he killed someone
Kimi:
no way
my guess would be Max but he texted here like 2 minutes ago
Max:
why me mf ??
George:
we all know why
you’re the on and off track bully
Max:
I’m the bully when your whole team is literally a terrorist organization??
people know who the real bullies are
Carlos:
@Oscar what’s up with him?
did he eat fish?
if yes, that’s not Lando but some clone
Max:
was he on a simulator and after the first turn still p1?
that’s not Lando either
George:
not a bully my ass
Charles:
maybe he just means Lando does not look good
Kimi:
HE would never say that
Lando could look like a homeless person and Oscar would still give him heart eyes
Oscar:
he keeps calling me love, sweetheart and baby
Carlos:
…
George:
…
Ollie:
omg the day has finally come
Isack:
event of the century
Charles:
did he really??
Max:
no way
real Lando Norris would NEVER
CLONE CLONE CLONE
Kimi:
confessing to his crush after 100 years
Oscar:
no, I’m like 99% sure he’s either drunk or high
he thinks it’s 2039
Max:
typical Lando
George:
what drugs is he doing
Lando:
guys please tell him that i’m right
he’s hallucinating
he thinks he’s still driving for mclaren
Carlos:
don’t know how to respond to this without losing my brain cells
Max:
@Lando what is 2+2
Lando:
4
Max:
yeah, there’s definitely something wrong with his head
George:
@Max why don’t you actually help us understand the situation instead of being an ass
Max:
why don’t you actually compete against Ferrari instead of just whining after the race about “dirty” driving?
George:
okay, be like this as much as you want
however, some of us have real things to do so please, kindly fuck off
Max:
I also do have real things to do
George:
please, enlighten me
Max:
bts dropped new album yesterday
so I’m streaming
Kimi:
bye not another fake new army
name 3 times jhope mentioned sprite
Ollie:
twitter is dragging that album
Oscar:
thank you so much for your help, guys
am I the only sane person in this chat?
Carlos:
@Lando and who do you think Oscar is driving for?
Lando:
no one, we retired about 5 years ago
Ollie:
what
I have seen you in the paddock yesterday
Lando:
literally how
I was at home with my husband the whole day
Ollie:
no I remember it vividly
Oscar was wearing the slutty shorts again
he dropped something, picked it up
and you got a boner
I remember almost killing myself on the spot after witnessing that
Lando:
thats DOES a lot sound like me
Kimi:
oh my god please stop
I don’t want to even imagine it
Charles:
so no one’s gonna go back to what Lando said?
he was with his husband??
Lando:
yeah, i was with oscar
what’s weird about that
Max:
@Oscar did you forget to tell us something?
Oscar:
that’s what I was talking about !!
he thinks we’re married and live together
Max:
fake it ‘till you make it
Carlos:
maybe he’s from the future
George:
yeah, Carlos, cuz things like this happen all the time
he’s probably just trying to play Oscar into dating him
@Lando please confess like a normal person
Lando:
I already did??
after I won my second championship
Max:
mf just straight up lying
Kimi:
you can barely even start the the race, my guy
Oscar:
sensitive topic
Kimi:
sorry, Oscar
Charles:
I’m starting to believe the time travel theory
Carlos is onto something
George:
yeah, on some cocaine
@Lando look, drop the act rn and we gonna pretend this never happened
Lando:
you win championship
George:
…
now we can talk
Max:
NOOOOO
I used to pray against times like these
@Lando now me
tell me something about my future
Charles:
guys, this is like violating every rule in the book
have you ever seen any time travel movie??
Lando:
you win championship too
Charles:
oh my god, what year
Carlos:
@Lando so you and Oscar are really married in your universe?
Lando:
yes, how many times do i have to say that
i woke up today and he was gone
Max:
@Oscar I can’t believe you actually let him fuck you
and even married him
Oscar:
obviously I’m not the one getting fucked
Lando:
…
Max:
…
Charles:
…
Kimi:
…
Carlos:
…
Oscar:
oh my god, I am???
Ollie:
@Lando wait, if you’re here does that mean younger Lando is texting with older us rn??
Lando:
NO
he’s gonna try to seduce my oscar
I need to go back immediately
Charles:
what’s the problem
you’re literally the same person if I understand it correctly
Lando:
no, you don’t get it
older oscar is hot as fuck and i know myself
if i saw older oscar when i was younger i would most definitely try to fuck him
that twink is not fucking my husband
Carlos:
@Oscar at least you know your future husband is really gonna be in love with you
Oscar:
I think I’m still sleeping
this is not happening
Charles:
that’s kinda romantic ngl
Max:
never happening to you btw
Charles:
never living to the expectations of your father btw
Max:
not winning in a Ferrari for 2 straight years btw
Charles:
losing the championship by 2 points btw
Kimi:
here we go again
George:
PLEASE
just one day without this shit
just one
Carlos:
can you please do this in your private chat
Ollie:
your flirting is obnoxious
and I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong
you’re supposed to say nice things about each other
Isack:
they’re currently going through their enemies phase
Ollie:
my parents would never
Lando:
@Max @Charles IM CRYING
drop the act already
please
this is embarrassing
Max:
yeah Leclerc, you’re embarrassing
Charles:
remind me who started this 5 minutes ago
Lando:
great things are happening to you two in the future
Charles:
does he die??
Lando:
something much better
Charles:
my god, am I gonna be the one killing him???
can’t wait
Max:
hardly with that red tractor
Charles:
sweetheart, I’m already in the first turn by the time you’re still trying to start the car
Max:
please remind me who’s the last winner for Ferrari??
Carlos:
TAKE THEIR PHONES AWAY
Lando:
flirting at its finest
Max:
@Oscar come collect you husband
he’s talking nonsense again
Oscar:
he’s not my husband
Lando:
of course i am
i promise you, young lando is dreaming about this every night
sometimes even during the day
what year you said it is now, 2026?
you were quite sexy in that year with that longer hair
i did some embarrassing things because of that, yeah
George:
when did you NOT do embarrassing things because of your crush on Oscar?
Lando:
valid
Kimi:
@Lando you think you ever gonna go back to the future?
Lando:
I HAVE TO
i’m not letting younger me have his fun with my man
Kimi:
he’s probably flirting with him as we speak
Carlos:
losing his mind over older Oscar
Max:
probably even touching himself over all the photos he found in your phone
Lando:
I NEED TO GO BACK ASAP
Charles:
@Oscar you and Lando are gonna be freaky af
Oscar:
are you jealous?
Lando:
don’t be, some other driver cannot wait to do the same things to you
i won’t say names tho
Carlos:
as if it’s not clear enough
Kimi:
watch these idiots act stupid
Max:
@Lando which one?
I need to laugh in that idiot’s face
Lando:
…
Oscar:
…
George:
…
Ollie:
…
Kimi:
@Max go look in the mirror then