Work Text:
Sebastian had moved to Zuzu city around a year ago.
He had always dreamed of living in the city.
Pelican town had been a nightmare for him, There was a population of like 30, The best ‘night out’ was at the Stardrop Saloon to play a game of pool and get a drink, There were no schools, no job opportunities (unless you wanted to work for that Soulless Joja place), and really, he just wasn’t happy.
The people always bugged him to go out more, and “Join the community” and “Stop being so anti-social”, and honestly, nobody understood his Job as a freelance programmer, they all treated it as if it was an unimportant, silly hobby that would pass.
Beside his 2 friends; Sam and Abigail, and his mother, Robin, He had nobody.
His stepfather, Demetrius, had hated his guts since… Well, never mind.
And his half-sister, Maru… she wasn’t too bad, but she never tried to talk to him unless she needed something, and she was just adored by both his parents, like he meant nothing.
So, it was safe to say, he hated it in Pelican town.
He had the idea in his mind since he was around 14 that he was going to leave some day, to live out in the city, that it would make everything better, and at first it did. At first everything was great.
But after a year, it just… wasn’t working out. He had saved up, bought a fairly nice apartment in a not to bad area, He was getting enough work to get by and have some spare change, but in reality, everything was sort of just falling apart, all the happiness he felt about leaving was coming to an end. Somehow it just felt wrong. It was everything he had dreamed of, but something was missing.
Sebastian wasn’t a social person, so he wasn’t all that interested in the night life here, or the day life to be completely honest. He would go out to café’s and bars every now and then, but it was a bit lonely, not in the sense that he was physically alone, but without Sam’s constant loud presence and complaining, and Abi’s quiet presence and occasional laugh at something stupid Sam did, the whole atmosphere felt a little lonely, so generally he spent his nights and days in his apartment, which wasn’t all that great either, his neighbours were noisy and living alone just wasn’t all he dreamt it up to be.
The idea swirled in his mind one rainy night while he was sat on his desk chair, his computers dim screen emitting a soft light over his desk and the wall beside him. He saw the pictures of him and his friends stuck up messily with tape on his wall. Maybe he should visit pelican town?
Here in the city, rainy nights consisted of either sitting in a random park with kids screaming and jumping in puddles beside him, or couples walking together with umbrellas passing him every now and then, or teenagers messing around. It was noisy.
Meanwhile in Pelican town, rainy nights left him wandering the quiet, peaceful streets, maybe spotting a frog, maybe sitting on the dock, observing the oceans soft waves in the breeze.
He almost missed it.
He tried to think of the problems that would come with visiting, then he thought of positives, and one thought stuck out to him despite both of those things. Maybe he could see Sam… Oh and Abi of course.
Sebastian stood up, rubbing his face with a hand which was aching from the work he had been doing all night. He Lazily and sluggishly walked out of his room, his computer still on, completely forgotten by now. His door slowly swinging shut, not quite clicking as he walked down the quiet, bare hallway towards the bathroom. As his feet met the cold tile floor, he sighed. To Sebastian, the idea that he WANTED to go back to pelican town? It was insane.
He had hated it his whole life.
But as he looked up and saw his reflection… He saw his face, dark bags under his eyes. If the city was everything he wanted, why did he look so tired, with sunken, baggy eyes? The last time he saw himself like this was those weeks leading up to the first year of high school.
---- ☆----
Back when he was a child, he was going through a shit time.
Ever since he could even think for himself, Sebastian had hated everything about himself.
His voice, his long, un-styled hair, his body, the stupid dresses his mother made him wear and the way everyone called him their little princess, or “Miss”, or any female related title.
He never understood why this was, he even thought for a while he was going to grow up and be like his father, a man. But as he got older, he soon gave up on that. He would spend his days inside, never once even leaving his room unless forced or for school.
And he HATED Primary school, being grouped with the girls, watching the boys wrestle and have fun while he got teased for trying to join them. “No, you’re a girl, leave that to the boys” The teachers told him. So, he stopped talking to anyone except his only friend, Abigail, which is probably where his ‘anti-social behaviour’ began.
Then he went into Middle school, he had sort of figured it all out by then, but he hadn’t told anyone. He had figured out it was called ‘Transgender.’ And that he was a boy, which, when he figured it out, explained everything. He was just too scared to say anything, even to Abigail or his mother.
Now that he was older he came up with excuses to wear the boy’s uniform (‘It’s more comfortable mum!’) and had learnt to style his hair. He had even met a friend that Abigail introduced him too, a male one, his name was Sam. Sam never questioned why he wore the boy’s uniform or why he cringed when referred to as a girl, he was just… There. He and Sam had got really close really fast and were inseparable for the whole of middle school, Sam even defending him from the popular kids who tried to tease and mock Sebastian.
So, it was no surprise that when he was 14, a few weeks before they were due to enter high school, Sebastian, who hadn’t been sleeping and had big heavy eyebags and a fuzzy sleep deprived mind, had told Sam everything.
It was a random Saturday night, and Sam was over for a sleepover, they had been sat in Sebastian's room all night playing Journey of a prairie king, and Junimo Kart, Sam throwing little fits whenever he lost that Sebastian found quite amusing, cracking a small, genuine smile every now and then. Robin had come in to wish them goodnight, take the empty pizza boxes from dinner, and say she was laying down. So, they were alone now.
After another hour the games turned off and they were just sitting on the floor, chatting about school and random shit until Sam, in his mindless rambling, asked why Sebastian wore the boy’s uniform.
He had never brought that up before.
Sebastian tensed up, immediately looking uncomfortable, which Sam, oh so observant, noticed. The whole atmosphere in the room changed, becoming serious, so Sams stupid grin faded and his gaze on Sebastian had softened a little, becoming curious. Sebastian stayed silent for a while before Sam just back tracked.
“Never mind, don’t worry, it’s totally cool, forget I brought it u-” But he was cut off.
“No, it’s…” Sebastian started, without thinking. He stopped himself. They both went quiet again. Sebastian took a deep breath.
“I, uh… I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but I’m um… I’m trans.” He said, somewhat quietly and uncharacteristically uncertain. “Transgender.” He clarified, eyes staring a hole into the floor beside him, not wanting to make eye contact.
Sebastian prepared himself for the disgust, the look of anger and disgusted tone in Sam. He waited for Sam to stand up, walk out and never look back.
But it didn’t come. He was trying to build courage to look at Sams reaction when he heard a voice.
“So you’re a boy?” Is all Sam said.
Sebastian's eyes shot up and met Sam’s, Curious, almost excited eyes… Cute. He thought for a split second before he realised what Sam had actually said.
“I-... Um… yeah.” He managed to get out, not really prepared for that.
“Cool!” Said Sam.
Cool? That wasn’t what Sebastian expected.
“So do you have a different name?” He continued, not looking at Sebastian anymore, his eyes lit up “Oooh! Can I help you pick one! What about Fector! Like in Journey of a prairie king! Haha just kidding…”
Sebastian's jaw dropped a little, which he quickly fixed, composing himself. Sam was just... Okay with this? He had read stories about people being called disgusting and not supported but he never expected others would just not care… it felt nice. and honestly, strangely Sam-like. He grinned slightly
“I haven’t really... thought about it yet. And no Sam, I’m not naming myself after a Game character.” He said, thankful for Sam being so Kind, always able to lighten the mood.
Sam let out a slightly loud laugh, and grinned at Sebastian, before seemingly coming to an idea
“Oh my Yoba. What if, you pick a name that starts with S! then we can match!” He said, suddenly sounding very excited. Sebastian just watched him, feeling weirdly warm in his chest… Sam got up and started pacing around Sebastian's room, finger on his chin almost cartoonish.
“Ok, ok… hm… Simon? Nah. Shane? Nah. Spencer? Doesn’t suit you to be honest.” Sam said, slightly rambling, taking this whole name thing very seriously. Sebastian stayed quiet for a moment before speaking up.
“Hey, I never agreed to this S thing. Plus, all of these names suck.” He teased, his eyes just subconsciously focused on Sam. Sam stuck out his tongue at Sebastian.
“Too bad! I know you like it, don’t try to lie.” He said back, childish as ever. Before his eyes widened and he jumped back to sit in front of Sebastian, grabbing his shoulders. “What about Sebastian! I think it suits you and it’s a good name!! then since you call me Sammy sometimes you can be Sebby. And we already call Abi, Abi!” He said happily, From the outside it would seem like he just solved the questions of the universe. But the name. That’s what really stuck out to Sebastian.
“Sebastian…” he repeated back quietly. He actually liked the name. He gave a soft, subtle smile to Sam, their eyes meeting. The world around them stopped for a moment.
“I like it.” He said quietly, eyes shutting gently as he gave a slightly bigger smile towards Sam, and for the rest of the night Sam was ‘practising’ Sebastian's new name. Sebastian felt so warm, yet so conflicted as he watched his best friend happily walking around and being so stupid, but so amazing. And so, he gave himself a name, Sebastian. And he used that name as he went into high school, introducing himself as Sebastian, hoping all those popular, ‘cool’ people who would’ve bullied him in middle school would finally leave him alone.
---- ☆----
Sebastian scrubbed his face with some soap and water, washed his hands, holding them under the burning water for a little longer than necessary, before turning off the Tap and exiting the bathroom, not even bothering to shut the door behind him. He returned to his bedroom, quickly reaching over his desk, grabbing the computer mouse and saving his work.
The room was silent beside the rain tapping against the thin apartment windows, the hum of the computers fan, and the gentle click of his mouse every now and then.
Then the computer went quiet, the room went completely dark, the computer light fading away, leaving only the ghost of his evening stress, and the room went still once more as he just stood there.
Pelican town, it was all he could think of right now.
So, as he collapsed on his bed, not even bothering to cover himself with the blanket, the only thought in his mind was, ‘I want to go home, but was it ever really my home?’
Memories of Demetrius, his basement room, his half-sister, his lonely nights, his cries that nobody heard, it all flooded his head. Then again, everything he thought he knew about the city, had proven to be wrong. He was conflicted, but too quickly, his vision went dark, and his breathing evened out as he fell asleep.
---- ☆----
The next day, he worked again.
That’s all he ever did in this city…
By evening though he was sat on his small couch in the very small living room, the T.V light blazing into his skin, almost burning by how bright it was, or maybe it was the alcohol getting to his head.
But the sound and show had long since slipped his mind, he was mindlessly staring at basically nothing. He felt desperate. Not for anything specifically… just desperate to the point of doing this again. Jumping straight into the over drinking nights that left him feeling torn. Just like he would do back in Pelican town with Sam in that stupid basement that was his room.
But now he was alone. He thought back to the last time he did this with Sam, it’s the time he drunkenly admitted that he fully had a plan to move to Zuzu. He had dates and everything. Sam had reacted weirdly, at least he thinks so, but Sebastian didn’t remember much because of how much he drank.
He made up his mind that night. He was going back.
---- ☆----
A week later, there he was. Nobody knew he was coming back. He stepped off the bus, into pelican down. It was maybe 11am? He slowly walked out of the bus stop, letting out a soft, shaky breath.
Pam, who had been driving the bus had been surprised when she saw him, but gave him a smile and said she was glad he came to visit.
“Robin will be so glad to see you Sebastian.” She had said. She had changed quite a bit, seemed to be drinking less. She seemed happier. He had given her a small nod before he left the bus.
Through the farmers farm was the only way to get back to his house. Well, could he even call it his house anymore?
Sebastian liked the farmer, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now in all honesty, so as he walked past the farmers house and noticed they weren’t home, he felt a sense of relief. He avoided the crops which were growing nicely, and internally admired his surroundings, the farmer had made some good progress on the farm, it looked nice.
As he left the farm and made his way up and around towards 24 mountain Road, he took notice of how it all looked the same. He saw Linus sitting by his tent, and with some thought, decided against greeting him for now, but his eyes did linger on the older man for a while.
He turned the corner towards his mothers’ shop and came to a stop in front of it. He rested his suitcase on the ground beside him, letting his arms rest for a moment as he let out a shaky breath. He had returned to his house, not a kid anymore, yet he didn’t feel like a new man either.
His shirt felt almost tight on his skin, his hoodie was making him a bit too warm and his pants suddenly felt too long.
He was nervous.
Memories of him living here returned. Demetrius yelling at him when he did anything slightly wrong yet refusing to speak to him any other time. Back then the rules were that anything Demetrius said goes. He had felt almost dead some days when he strayed from his parents’ wishes, and he had spent his days stuck in his dreams of the city, never living in the moment.
He raised a hand, bunched it up into a fist, his nails digging into his palm a little to soothe his nerves as he hesitated. Taking a deep breath in, his fist hovered just in front of the door. Before he could remove it, he shut his eyes and knocked 3 times, lowering the fist, loosening his grip on himself as he opened his eyes again, and exhaling the breath he was holding.
Less than a minute later, Robin opened the door
“Farmer you know you can-” she started, looking to the side, before looking forward, her voice fading out as her eyes met Sebastian's.
“Sebby?” She said quietly, her eyes instantly watering, she immediately pounced at him, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly, burying her face into his shoulder. She was one of the only people he let touch him, so he didn’t mind, though his shoulders did tense up and he quickly inhaled, holding his breath. His arms hesitantly and slowly lifted to wrap back around her. Returning the hug.
“Hi… Mum.” He said in breathy tone, only audible to her because of how close they were.
“Oh Sebby! You never told us you were coming back! I’m so glad to see you again! Come in, come in, you must tell me how the city is, can I get you a coffee?” She said, slightly rambling, but… it was just Robin being a worried mother, and excited to see her son for the first time in over a year.
Sebastian watched her eyes frantically look around, he felt her hand grab his wrist as she pulled out of the hug, not letting his arm fall fully to his side, he felt her pull him along, and he saw her holding back the tears in her eyes. He was overwhelmed with emotions, so he kind of just stayed silent and nodded, letting her take him inside, letting her take his bag and put it beside the front door. His heart was racing a little, his own eyes felt a slight sting, and his lips pressed together tightly… but he was happy. He thinks so at least.
Sebastian spends the next few hours chatting with his mother about the city, he leaves out all the negatives, he feels it’s probably better not to worry his mother. This feels nice, being in this house, sat at one of the wooden chairs his mother made for the kitchen, the familiar surroundings he grew up with. It felt quite homey.
As much as Sebastian loves his mum, he was getting a little tired of the talking, so he gave her a small smile and told her he wanted to go say hi to some other people, kind of just thinking about Sam right now. Robin gave an enthusiastic nod and led him down to his room to put his stuff away, it was just how he left it when he went to Zuzu… that was reassuring.
Finally, after some time, Robin left, and Sebastian exited the house, beginning the walk down to the town centre. That nervous feeling from earlier came back as his steps robotically led him down the path he used to walk often. He was sure he felt some eyes on him as he walked past Evelyn and Georges house, past Pierre’s local store, and through the town square. But he avoided any conversations, keeping his eyes turned downwards, as if finding the pebbles, grass, and stone pathways super interesting. He finally made it past Haley and Emily’s house and came to a stop in front of Sam’s place.
He didn’t even know if Sam was home, this was a stupid idea, but his body was almost moving on its own, it had been a year since he came back. Yet as he stood here in front of Sam’s house, his nerves almost faded, he raised his fist yet again and knocked, the door immediately opening, and he looked down to be greeted by Sam’s little brother, Vincent, who got super excited.
“Uncle Seb!!” He yelled, running back inside, jumping up at down, and yelling
“Mummy! Sam!! Uncle Seb is here!!”.
Sebastian stood in the doorway, unsure whether he should go in or stay, he was sure he looked very awkward. Luckily Jodi approached him, a surprised look flashing on her face before a gentle, motherly smile found its way onto her face. Neither of them had changed much, then again it had only been a year.
“Hello Sebastian dear. You’ve come back to visit? How lovely. My little Sammy is in his room, should I go get him? Or you could come in if you like!” She said, knowing well how Sebastian was, and how he doesn’t like when people make big deals over things. Sebastian appreciated Jodi a lot, she was pretty much his second mother when he was here. He gave her a small appreciative smile and stepped inside as she stepped aside to let him in.
“Thanks Jodi. I think I’ll just go to Sam… don’t want to have another conversation in a doorway.” He said, trying to make a joke, not wanting to be too stiff. She gave him a nod and went back to Vincent, calming him down.
Sebastian heard Sam playing his guitar in his room, a small genuine smile brushed his lips… he wasn’t quite sure why. He brushed it off and made his way slowly to Sam’s room, gently hovering his hand over the door handle before opening it, walking in.
“Sam” is all he said, its all he could think of saying. Sam’s guitar playing game to a stop, as he turned to look, expecting his mother, only to be met with...
“SEBASTIAN?” He practically yelled, his guitar falling to the floor with some struggle on Sam's side, and he ran over to his door, eyes wide.
“What- why- when- how did you-… Why are you here?” he stuttered out, still shocked. Sebastian watched him. There was a look in his eyes that Sebastian couldn’t quite place. Excitement? Confusion? Was that anger? Huh?
“I um… I decided to come back to pelican town… for a visit, work is quiet for the next few weeks so I thought I would come see everyone.” Sebastian replied after an awkward silence. His voice trailed off at the end, not sure how to talk to his best friend after kind of ditching him. He averted his gaze to the side, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, a nervous habit, and his hair fell further to cover his face. Silence dragged on for what felt like hours, Sebastian awkwardly standing there, Sam staring back at him, with an emotion Sebastian didn’t want to see, or find out what it was. Until finally Sam spoke up.
“Oh… well it’s good to see you again dude… Do you wanna come in? You should tell me about the city! I know how excited you were” Same old Sam. Trying to change the topic and lighten the mood… but for once Sebastian was grateful for it. He looked up to see the back of Sam's head and just nodded, following Sam into his room.
“Sure.”
---- ☆----
Over the next few days, almost everyone in town, besides Demetrius, Haley, and Alex, had come up to talk to him, mention how much they had missed Sebastian. He didn’t even realise anyone beside his mother and 2 friends cared… Everything he thought, that nobody cared about him, was proving to be wrong.
On the 3rd day after he had returned, a Friday, he found himself sitting out on the docks of the beach, as far out as he could be, away from other people, he a cigarette held in his right hand, his left behind him, leaning back with his legs carelessly draped over the edge.
He remembered one time when Sam came and sat beside him, complaining about how Sebastian could be so careless, while so close to the edge, but Sebastian never feared falling in, even if it was dangerous or whatever, it was the only time his life felt peaceful, out here, watching the waves crash into each other, feeling the slight mist in the air, not bothering to fix his hair, nobody could see him and judge him anyway.
He had been thinking recently, all the people around him he thought had no care for him his whole life, seemed so glad to see him back …and Sam, his best friend, seeing him again was so good, it just felt so wrong, something felt so wrong. Because he wasn’t here to stay, he was only visiting.
He felt desperate for something, what it was? He didn’t know. But he was desperate to the point of coming out here again, like he did all those days he just needed to get away from home and people. And he found himself thinking out loud,
“was leaving ever the right thing to do?”
But he got no response, beside a cool wind blowing past him again.
---- ☆----
Later that night, he found himself wandering towards the saloon like most of the town did on Friday nights. Force of habit probably, he didn’t really want to, but as he came to a stop in front of the old wooden door, and heard the laughs and chatter of the townsfolk, accompanied by the warm, dim lights coming from inside, he decided to go in, giving Gus, the main bartender a small nod to greet him and making his way over to the games room where, as he expected, he found Sam and Abigail.
His steps were quiet, as they usually were, while he walked over to the chair in the corner of the room by the Pool table where Abigail used to sit while him and Sam played pool, yet now he was the one observing.
“Hey Seb!”
“Hey Sebastian!”
Abigail and Sam greeted almost in unison, before focusing on their game again. Sebastian nodded in acknowledgement but said nothing. He just watched. He sat on the old sofa, eyes scanning the room which had gotten some new décor but mostly remained the same. Then his gaze roamed the rest of the bar, taking a moment to fully take in all the people chatting, living their usual lives.
Sebastian just sighed softly, resting one hand by his side and the other in his lap, eyes settling on his fingers as they fidgeted with the base of his shirt. As he sat in this room, all he could see was other people, people he grew up with, people who had lived a whole year of life since he last saw them. He’s reminded that the world didn’t just stop while he was gone… and everyone here was having fun like they did every week, did nobody ever just stop to think? Think about their lives, there future, any possibilities? Or was he just overthinking.
Sebastian must have had a weird look on his face because He felt the weight of the sofa dip on the side, and a warm presence pressed up a little too close, as well as a hand brushing against his which caused this weird tingling feeling. he looked up and saw Sam.
“You good?” Sam said casually, eyes curiously looking up and down Sebastian, making Sebastian’s heart race slightly which was a feeling he chose to ignore for his own sake.
“Uh... yeah. Just thinking.” He replied, giving an awkward smile to Sam who just nodded and glanced away.
“Where’s Abi?” Sebastian questioned, trying to change the topic away from himself, fingers still fidgeting a little, his nails digging into the palm of his right hand, only stopping when he noticed Sams gaze drop to his hands for a split second.
“Oh… right she said she promised to help her dad with the store a bit tonight so she had to tap out early” Sam casually said.
“Cool…”
Okay this was awkward. Sebastian as always been able to read Sam, or so he thought, but now there was just something there that he couldn’t quite understand. There was a look in Sams eyes, a tenseness in the way he sat and moved, the way he was trying a little too hard to be casual. and Sebastian just couldn’t place what it was. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and glanced away after noticing how he was staring at Sam.
“Wanna play a game?” Sebastian said, trying to break the silence.
“I haven’t played in a while but I’m almost certain I could still beat you just as easily.” He said, a slight tease returning to his voice, which worked as intended, because Sam sat up and responded.
“As if! You’re on!” and his face had that stupid grin of his that was perfectly split between genuine happiness and confidence, the grin that had made Sebastian's heart rate pick up, and made his legs weak whenever he saw it... Some things never change. He grinned back and they made their way over to the arcade machine that played Junimo kart, Sam grabbing a Joja soda out of the drink machine on the way.
Sam ended up losing every game that night, despite the fact Sebastian's gaze was on Sam, pretty much the whole night.
---- ☆----
Sebastian had been back in Pelican town for maybe 2 weeks. He had met up with everyone he wanted to, caught up with everything that’s changed in the town, and all the people. But mainly, he had been hanging out with Sam almost every day. He wasn’t sure why, but being back here, back with Sam, he realised just how much he had missed his best friend. Right. Best friend. Could he even call them that anymore?
Sebastian was sitting on one of the board bridges over the river near his house, it was dark, almost midnight he was sure, but he just didn’t feel like going home. He slowly raised the cigarette he was holding up to his lips as he observed his surroundings, the occasional fish causing little ripples in the still water, the way the trees waved in the wind, leaves falling every now and then, sometimes he was even lucky enough to spot a frog hopping in the grass. He heard the rustling of leaves and howl of the wind. It was the quiet, peaceful nights like this that he simply couldn’t get in Zuzu city. Yet he had gotten used to the hustle and bustle of the city, so he felt almost lonely right now.
Suddenly he heard footsteps from his left, he quickly jumped into high alert and looked up, lowering his hand with the cigarette in it, letting the smoke gently blow away in the wind. He calmed almost instantly when he noticed who it was though.
“You still smoke?” Sam said quietly, sounding almost worried, but not surprised. Sebastian chose to ignore that, not wanting to get into how it made him feel. Sam cautiously walked over the little bridge and sat down beside Sebastian.
“Gosh how do you sit on this thing so easily… It feels like it’s about to collapse under me.” He mumbled, looking down at his outfit, brushing a leaf off his hoodie, stuffing his hands into his pockets and sitting slightly too close to Sebastian, not that either of them minded.
“It’s not that bad. And if you fall in, you just get a little wet. Don’t be a baby Sam.” Sebastian said, his tone teasing, yet also quiet, soft, not wanting to taint the peaceful silence of their surroundings. There was also a slight fondness in it. Not that Sam could pick that up.
“Says you! I swear you’re not scared of anything” Sam grumbled, cautiously watching his surroundings, as if he was about to fall any second. Sebastian chuckled, Typical Sam.
“Why did you come all the way out here? It’s so late, and your house is on the other side of the town.” Sebastian mumbled, barely audible, but Sam heard him. His gaze was on Sam completely, lingering on the slight frown on his lips, and crinkle in his forehead as he so carefully observed the water below him. his thoughts were interrupted by Sam’s voice again
“I… and I just wanted to… never mind. I was just going for a walk and came up here without thinking, saw you and I guess and figured you could use some company!” Sam said, eyes finally looking up at Sebastian. Sam looked the same as always, his hair still styled up with that gel he uses, the same old blue hoodie with holes in it, that somehow looked really good on him… Meanwhile Sebastian was here, un-styled hair covering half of his face, just wearing his usually black jeans and black hoodie, chipped black nail polish, big eye bags, messy eyeliner smudged under his eyes from the day. God he was a mess.
“thanks…” he responded, unable to hold eye contact any more, so he just glanced away.
“I might be going back home to the city soon… guess I’ve been thinking a lot.”
Sam didn’t respond to that. A lump formed in Sebastian’s throat as he exhaled shakily, breathing the unbearable silence. He was about to speak up before Sam’s voice, uncharacteristically quiet and unsure, cut the silence.
“I don’t want you to leave again.”
Sebastian's breath caught in his throat, he glanced up and his eyes met Sam’s eyes, which were staring at him, with a heavy look in their eyes. He looked desperate. Sebastian found himself almost unable to look away in this moment, something he found had been happening too much recently. He felt his heart start racing, his ears felt slightly warm?? And suddenly it hit him like a ton of bricks. Like someone just shoved him a letter that said in big bold words ‘you are in love with Sam’. And everything came back to him.
Back when they first met and Sebastian wanted so badly to be Sam's friend.
Back when they would have sleepovers every weekend and Sebastian would wake up to Sam sleeping beside him and he felt ‘weird’.
The time Sam invited him to join his band, and Sebastian felt this tightness in his chest when he saw Sam playing guitar and started feeling warm inside.
The nights leading up to him leaving for Zuzu when him and Sam would drink too much and he felt torn about if leaving was what he actually wanted.
It all made sense. To be honest, Sebastian always knew, he just refused to admit it to himself.
All to suddenly he felt nervous to be sitting so close to Sam in such an intimate scene.
All to suddenly the way Sam was looking at him felt like it held too much weight and Sebastian couldn’t take it.
“Why…” He managed to get out, immediately cursing himself internally because why the fuck would he say that. But what he wasn’t prepared for was such an honest response.
“Seb I-… I know you’re going to be leaving again soon, and honestly I don’t know when you’re coming back again, so there's no reason for me to try to hide this anymore… I…”
Sebastian just stayed silent. He felt almost guilty. He knew what Sam was about to say, yet he couldn’t find it in him to be happy right now, he just felt guilty for leaving in the first place. Before he had left, Sam had been acting so weird, and now he understands why.
“I’m sorry Sam” he interrupted, not letting Sam say what he was going to say. He wasn’t sure he could stand to hear it right now.
“I love you” he blurted out, slightly mumbling, not thinking before he spoke, finally looking away from Sam, staring at the water in front of him. God he hasn’t been sleeping enough. When Sam didn’t respond, Sebastian kind of found himself begin to start rambling out of nervousness, maybe fear that he had misunderstood the question,
“It’s so stupid, I only just realised, honestly though I think I’ve loved you since we first met, you were so stupid back in school, but you never cared what anyone thought, and it was almost endearing, and even now you’re still the same and sometimes I can’t bring myself to stop looking at you… and I’m so sorry for leaving and not reaching out, I feel like such an ass, I mean we were best friends and I never once-”
He got cut off by the feeling of a cold hand pressing into his cheek, a soft breeze tracing his jaw as the hand lifted his face to look back at Sam again. Their eyes met once more, and the look in Sam’s deep eyes, one green, one blue, made Sebastian shiver slightly, but he didn’t pull away. Their eye contact was only broken by Sam’s eyes darting down to Sebastian's lips, and that’s when Sebastian just reached up, wrapping both hands behind Sam’s neck, threading his fingers through the soft hair on the base of his neck. He leaned forward and hovered his lips cautiously in front of Sam’s. and when Sam didn’t pull away, he leaned the final distance forward, and their lips met. One leg lifted back up onto the wooden plank they were sat on, so he could more comfortable lean closer to Sam. Sam’s second hand left his pocket to hold onto Sebastian, and kissed back, as both of their eyes shut.
For a split second, Sebastians mind went blank. No way this was happening. Despite the cold winds blowing into them, he felt so warm, despite the quietness of the world around them, everything felt so loud. Sam’s lips were warm against his own, which were cold from sitting out here for hours, and his hair felt so soft under Sebastian's fingers… The kiss wasn’t desperate or rough, it was gentle, holding the years of love they had for each other, the years of unsaid words, the years of passing touches they both felt but never acknowledged. Sure, it wasn’t the best thing in the world, but it was theirs, so to Sebastian, it was perfect.
By the time they pulled away, they were both out of breath, breathing in and out heavily. Sebastians chest raised and fell quickly, but his hands never left their place behind Sam’s head. Their foreheads remained pressed together and only now could Sebastian recognise that look in Sam’s eyes, his eyes held this deep fondness, this admiration… this Love.
“I love you too” Sam mumbled, a stupid grin finding its place on his slightly red lips.
Sebastian wasn’t sure why Sam would like- no, love him of all people. Sebastian was a mess. In any other situation, Sebastian would scoff at him, call him an idiot for ruining the moment, be he wasn’t sure he could do that right now, so instead he just gave a small scoff.
“Dork.” He mumbled quietly before pressing their lips together again.
Maybe… maybe he didn’t want to leave anymore.