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Arin stared at the ceiling of his room.
He didn't feel like he belonged, lately. He felt out of place, like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong picture.
He wasn't ungrateful, of course. He was happy that his parents were finally back. He was relieved that Lloyd forgave his betrayal, that Sora still treated him like a friend, that Frak was part of their Ninja team.
Arin couldn't help but feel like everything had changed for the worse. Despite his parents being back, he noticed how much he had changed, how much they had changed. They couldn't go back to being a normal family again, not after Arin had been alone for five years and fending for himself and a girl whom he was more grateful for than he could ever convey.
He couldn't help but feel like Frak had become something unreachable, something that impersonated everything that he was but better and stronger. He didn't want to feel like this, it was unfair to his friend, but Frak felt like his replacement.
He shut his eyes tightly and sinked into his bed sheets more. Everything felt so incredibly frustrating.
But he didn't feel redeemed. He didn't feel like he could just integrate into the team again without some sort of atonement for his sins. He had to atone, right? He had to do something of worth that actually showed them that he was deserving of their forgiveness.
He wondered if there was any way to.
The ceiling didn't give him any answers, no matter how much his eyes traced the lines of wood and the few nails at the edges.
He sat up from his bed and looked around his room. It was small and barely decorated, although a few pictures of him and Sora, as well as the ninja team sat on the wooden desk in the corner of his room.
He didn't really belong here.
“Arin?”, Zane's voice greeted him from behind his door. He didn't want to answer. He wanted to be left alone and mope around all day, rather than do anything productive with his pathetic life.
“Yes?”, he forced himself to answer. These were the ninja after all, his childhood heroes, the very people who treated him with kindness despite what he had done. He couldn't allow himself to actually become useless. It would disrespect their efforts for him.
Zane came into the room with a tray in hand, balancing a bowl of steaming soup and a glass of orange juice. He looked at Arin with light blue LED eyes.
Arin felt exposed, as if Zane was here to do more than just bring him some food. He hoped it was just his paranoia, nothing more. He didn't want to deal with people, not while he felt lost.
“You can put it on my desk.”, Arin pointed at the wooden furniture.
He felt his shoulders sag when the white ninja passed by without saying a word. Zane set the tray down carefully and looked at the black haired boy again, with the same almost accusing intensity as before.
Maybe Zane didn't trust him anymore. Arin couldn't blame him if he did. He had walked over to the enemy out of selfish desire and naivety.
Zane didn't move for a while more until his mouth finally parted. Arin recoiled immediately, bracing himself for whatever harsh words would leave the nindroid.
“I used my powers for evil once.”
Arin choked on his own saliva and coughed violently. He looked at Zane with blurry eyes, “What?”
“It happened unbeknownst to the public of ninjago while I was trapped in another realm.”, Zane elaborated and got closer to Arin. The raven haired boy made space for Zane to sit down, which the nindroid did.
He was confused. Zane — a ninja, a hero — using his powers for evil? How was that even possible? Why would such a thing even happen?
Zane smiled at Arin, then looked ahead, “During our battle with Aspheera, the serpentine that set half of ninjago on fire with flaming snakes, I was banished to another realm with no hopes of returning home.” The white ninja sounded a bit impartial as he said it, as if he merely informed Arin rather than retold his own story.
Zane looked back at Arin with a small smile that did little to convey assurance. “In that realm, through one way or another, I became a dictator that froze half the world up and barely let the other half live.”
"You're lying.”, he scoffed and waved him off. “You? A cruel dictator?”
Zane shook his head, “I am fortunate enough to have the other ninja. Without Lloyd in particular, I would have probably stayed that way for all of eternity.”
Arin stared at Zane intensely, "You're not kidding?” He hoped his hero would say no, say it was all a joke.
Zane as a villain?
It sounded like a nightmare.
"I'm serious.", he confirmed and sighed ashamedly. “The others will tell you that I hardly had any choice. There were multiple factors at play that lead to that outcome, of course, but it will never excuse the suffering and cruelty I induced.”
Arin frowned as he let it sink in. Zane had made a bad choice that will forever haunt him, just like he did. Just like his decision when he joined Ras selfishly.
“Are you telling me this because of…”, he asked hesitantly. He had an idea why, but he hardly wanted to hear it. What he did couldn't be excused. He betrayed his best friends, his teachers, and his home.
Zane nodded, “You know, you made a decision.”
“Yeah. I betrayed everyone. I made the decision to leave and–”
“You decided to come back.”
Arin paused and scowled at Zane, “That doesn't excuse anything! I mean, why is everyone acting like it's okay?”, his fingers gripped the fabric of his pants tightly, “Why is Sora still so nice–? Why does Lloyd still care?”, he sobbed before he even realised it, “I mean, I betrayed everyone! They shouldn't just– excuse it!”
“It doesn't excuse it.”, Zane cut through and held his hands with gloved ones. His breath hitched as tears ran down his face. His throat tightened painfully at the words. He knew it, but it still hurt to hear it out loud.
Zane rubbed the back of his hand slowly, “You know, at first I thought I had to leave.”, his voice was low, “I did make people suffer. No amount of blaming other factors would ever make it right.”, his blue eyes stared at the ground, “It's inexcusable.”
Arin choked back a sob, “How can you say that so casually.” He didn't understand, perhaps it was because Zane wasn't human, or because Arin really was different and inherently evil, so he couldn't understand the words a good person tells him.
Zane's LED eyes bore into him again, but more kindly. He didn't feel threatened when the nindroid smiled at him kindly. “I live every day to prove that I'm good and capable of doing the right thing.”
Arin let that sink in. It made something in him untangle, as if his puzzle piece was finally starting to find a place to stick. He wondered if he could prove it. He wondered if he could be redeemed, forgiven.
Maybe he couldn't. Maybe Arin was irredeemable, cursed to be alone forever like he deserved. Nobody could and should trust his loyalties anymore.
He betrayed them once, he could and probably would do it again. Arin couldn't trust himself anymore.
But he had to try.
The thought that he wouldn't, made him sick. Arin wanted to atone, to finally feel normal again. He needed to make things right, because the idea that he disrespected Lloyds efforts even more made him feel heavy and tired and guilty.
He leaned against the nindroids side, like he always did when he needed comfort. It wasn't comfortable, given how he leaned against cold and hard metal. Arin didn't know whether this was okay. He didn't want to be more trouble than he's already been.
Zane pulled him closer by putting an arm around his torso. He sagged in relief, glad that he was allowed to lean on someone. He wiped snot and tears from his face as his eyelids sagged, “Can things return to normal? Will it go away?”
Whether he could ever belong again, was left unsaid.
Zanes' cogs whirred inside of his body. Arin could feel and hear an almost silent hum coming from him. “I think that depends on whether you can forgive yourself.”
The raven haired boy frowned and bit his lip in growing frustration. He was still tearing up, albeit far less than before. He doubted that he could ever forgive himself. He betrayed the hand that fed him.
He will probably never feel deserving of their kindness again.
Actually, maybe he should atone by leaving and finding his own path.
How well that did him last time, as he dragged a half dead panther through half of the first realm and helped him recover his health with magical glowing water that almost cost him his life to get.
He wanted to redeem himself, but how? How could he ever–
“Arin.” He looked up at Zane who reassuringly rubbed his back, “I know it won't help you if I say this, but you're just a kid.”
Arin scoffed, “It really doesn't help. It feels like an excuse.” He appreciated the comfort, though. He felt a bit more at ease while Zane rubbed circles on his back and held his hand.
Zane hummed, “What I meant, is that it is not your sole fault.”, his voice was lower, a bit more careful. “Kids get manipulated more easily than adults.”
“Yeah, it still feels like an excuse.” Arin knew that he was far too naive. Sora always told him, warned him about how trusting he was and how dangerous people could be. He should've listened, grown up faster, known better.
Zane nodded in understanding, “It's okay.”
Arin closed his eyes and concentrated on the quiet whirring of mechanical parts. “How do I redeem myself?”, he eventually asked quietly, afraid of Zane's answer.
The nindroid took a second before answering, “You don't run away from your mistake and make an effort to become better.”
Arin frowned and rubbed his arm, "That's not an answer.”
Zane hummed, “Then just keep doing how you're doing right now.”, he said kindly.
Arin looked up at the nindroid and into his blue LED eyes, “That can't be enough.”
“It is.”
Zane was far too kind to him. Arin didn't believe that it would ever be enough to just– exist. Surely he could do more than that, do more than train, cook and clean.
The white ninja smiled at him, “How about you help me and Pixal with research later?”
Arin hummed in acknowledgement and closed his puffy eyes. “Is it really okay for me to stay, though?”, he sighed as he said it. He felt a bit guilty for wanting to stay despite his betrayal. He didn't want to leave the ninja.
“Don't run away. You're not alone, Arin.”
It was enough for now.
He sobbed and wiped the snot from his face with his sleeve, “Can you stay just a bit longer?”
Zane nodded, “I can.”
Arin felt a bit better.