Archive of Our Own

“You hangin’ in there, kiddo?”

Killua flinched at the sound of Leorio’s voice. He hadn’t heard his footsteps approaching, hadn’t even sensed his aura. It had been so long since they'd seen him. Who had called him? When had he gotten to the hospital? Was Kurapika here, too?

Killua couldn’t bring himself to respond, couldn't even look up at him. His questions died on his tongue—forming words was too much effort. He just sniffed pathetically, swallowing against the perpetual lump in his throat. He had only just managed to stop crying, and he knew if he opened his mouth, he’d start again. 

Leorio cleared his throat and sat down on the bench next to him. “Sorry. Stupid question.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Killua felt the sensation of cool plastic on the back of his hand. 

“Figured you could use this. Hydration’s important, y’know."

Killua blinked, unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth. Was he thirsty? He wasn't sure. When had he last had anything to drink? He slowly took the water bottle from Leorio, barely able to hold it tight enough that it didn't fall to the floor. He went to untwist the cap and found it already loosened. As soon as he tipped the bottle back and the cool liquid hit his lips, he downed it without taking a breath. 

He handed the empty bottle back to Leorio without thinking, like he was some kind of human trash can, but the man took it without a word of complaint. 

“Thanks.” Killua's throat was so raw he could barely croak the word out. His hands lay limp and face up in his lap as he stared, unseeing, at Gon's bed through the window. 

“It’s literally the least I could do. I’m sorry I wasn’t there fighting with you guys. Not that I would’ve been any use, but still. I should’ve been there.”

All Killua could do was shrug. Leorio was going out of his way to be nice, and Killua knew the correct thing to do right now was to reassure him. He should tell him that even if he had been there, there was nothing he could have done. But he just didn’t have the energy. Killua had been there, and still, he hadn't been good enough. He hadn't been enough.

The sudden crackle of the water bottle being crushed broke their silence, making Killua jump. Leorio stood up, his dress shoes clacking against the floor as he paced up and down the hallway. 

“I’ve been studying medicine all this time, and still, I’m no fucking use." He threw the empty bottle against the wall, and it bounced with a disappointing, hollow thunk before landing at Killua's feet. "What the fuck am I good for if I can’t even do anything to help?”

A familiar pressure began to build behind Killua’s eyes, heat prickling at their edges. How many times had he asked himself the same question? What good was his promise to keep Gon safe if he couldn’t keep him safe from himself?

Leorio stared into Gon's room in silence for a moment before dragging his feet across the linoleum towards the empty bottle. He grunted as he crouched down to pick it up, listlessly bringing it to the recycling bin. He tossed it in and hung his head. "Shouldn't litter. Nurses have enough on their plates without cleaning up after my sorry ass." 

Killua blinked against his rapidly blurring vision, tightening his hands into fists. He forced his mind to focus on the pain of his nails digging half-moons into his palms. He was not going to cry in front of Leorio.

"I heard you were the one who brought him back,” Leorio said.

Killua swallowed. “Yeah.” His voice sounded far away, foreign to his own ears. He looked down at his hands to find them trembling. He put his head in his palms, gripping his hair so tightly he was in danger of ripping out clumps.

He screwed his eyes shut at the images of a dark, scorched forest that flashed through his mind. No, no, no. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about the way Gon had looked at him, at how the last words he had said were to reassure Killua that it didn't hurt, that everything was okay, even though that was a bald-faced fucking lie. 

Best friends weren't supposed to lie to each other. Killua didn't care if that made him a hypocrite.

Echoes of Killua's own cries rang in his ears, visions of himself clutching at Gon’s too-small frame. He tasted blood in his mouth, screaming, begging anyone and anything that would listen, as he failed to find a pulse and shocked Gon’s heart again and again until he felt the faintest quiver of a beat. 

He didn't want to think about the weak, sporadic flutter of Gon's heart as he hauled his limp body onto his back. He didn't want to think about how cold his skin felt on his fingers, how shallow his breaths were against his neck.

Killua tried to hold his breath to keep from crying, but that only succeeded in making his breaths come in quick, short bursts, gasping out of his throat. He heard a keening, whining sound, and wished whoever was making it would shut the fuck up before realizing the sound was coming from him. He was dimly aware of Leorio coming to kneel in front of him, of his large hands circling his wrists.

"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay, Killua. I'm right here. Here, listen. Can you count with me?"

Killua opened his mouth to tell Leorio to get the hell away from him, but the command got stuck in his throat. He couldn't move. His hands and feet felt like thousands of Illumi’s needles were piercing them at once. 

"Breathe in through your nose for me. Now hold it, one, two, good, that's good, kid. Now breathe out through your mouth. Okay, again."

Killua wasn't sure if he was following Leorio's instructions. It didn't feel like he was. He couldn't get enough air, and the blackness encroaching on the edges of his vision felt all too inviting.

"Try to concentrate on what I'm saying, kid. Breathe in through your nose as best you can. Now hold it for one, two, and breathe out. Good job, Killua, really good."

Killua did as he was told. He concentrated on Leorio's instructions, on his slow, calm voice as he kept counting, until the feeling returned to his hands and feet. His vision slowly cleared until he saw Leorio kneeling in front of him.

"There you go, kid. Feeling a little better?"

Killua nodded as best as he could. He licked his lips, tasting the salt of the tears that still ran down his face.

“I’m just so scared." It came out in a whisper, like saying it any louder would make the situation too real. He closed his eyes. He couldn't take Leorio looking at him with that stupid, pitying look. "I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I can't—I can't—" I can't live without him.

“I know, Killua.” Killua allowed Leorio to gently extricate his hands from his hair. “I know how you feel. It kills me to see Gon like this. I love the little guy."

A red-hot anger flashed through Killua. He was so fucking tired of everyone saying that to him, of pretending they knew how he felt just because they knew Gon, too. Leorio wasn't the one who had spent every waking moment of the last two years at Gon's side. He wasn't the one who had picked Gon up off the ground and held him when he was at his worst, who got to bask in the light of his power when he was at his very best. It wasn't fucking fair. None of this was fucking fair.

He snatched his wrists away from Leorio, all but snarling. “How would you know?" Spit flew from his mouth onto Leorio's cheek as he screamed. His nails lengthened into claws of their own accord, but he made no effort to control them. "Give me a fucking break! You don't know anything!"

He expected Leorio to start arguing with him, to get angry at him for talking back, for threatening him. He wanted him to. Fuck, he wanted an excuse to punch something so badly, to hurt something as much as he was hurting. It might as well be Leorio’s stupid face. 

But Leorio didn't even take a step back, didn't cower in the face of Killua's rage like anyone with half a brain should have. He just wiped his face and gave Killua a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. He slid back onto the bench beside Killua, leaning back against the wall with a sigh.

“I do know, actually. You know why I want to become a doctor, right?"

Killua slowly retracted his nails. He faced forward, staring in the direction of Gon's room. Whatever. If it made Leorio feel better to talk, Killua would let him talk. It didn't mean he had to listen. Nothing he said would change anything.

"My childhood friend died when I was young. We weren't much older than you and Gon are now." Leorio rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands in front of him. "His name was Pietro. His illness was completely preventable, but his family didn't have the money for his surgery, and neither did I."

"When he died, I completely fell apart. I still dream about him sometimes. He was my best friend, my most precious friend. We did everything together, and I—" Leorio inhaled a shaky breath. "I loved him. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. But Gon is still here, Killua. And everyone will do whatever it takes to bring him back. We will find a way.”

Killua shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself. He shook with rage. Leorio had no fucking idea what he was talking about. 

“It’s not the same.”

A beat passed before Leorio broke the silence. “What isn’t?”

“Look, it’s terrible what happened to your friend. To you. But it’s not the same. You may have loved your friend, and I know everyone loves Gon, but not—” His breath hitched, and he couldn't keep his voice from breaking. “Not like I love him.”

Killua's voice caught in his throat, his eyes burning, and fuck. He’d never told anyone that before, had sworn to himself that he never would. But what did it matter now? 

Killua turned his face away from Leorio, gripping the edge of the bench so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He bit his lip until he tasted blood, his entire body shaking with the desperate effort of keeping his sobs at bay. He braced himself for Leorio to shrink back from him, to say he was disgusting, to make some kind of excuse to leave him here. 

“Oh, Killua. C’mere.”

At the barest touch of Leorio’s hand on his shoulder, Killua's face crumpled. Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks despite how tightly he squeezed his eyes shut. 

He let Leorio wrap his arms around him, let himself be pulled into his chest. He was too limp with exhaustion to resist. He felt hollowed out, like a piece of him was left in that forest and would never be recovered. Like he would never be whole again.

The hallway echoed with the sound of the howls that tore their way out of him. He clutched Leorio's suit jacket like his life depended on it.

"Why? Why would he do this?" Killua spoke the words into Leorio's chest, barely intelligible as he fought to catch his breath between sobs. "Why would he be so reckless when he knows I need him? Why would he leave me like this?"

Leorio said nothing. He just held him tighter as Killua buried his face deeper into his shirt. He rubbed soothing circles onto Killua's back, but that only made him cry harder, wishing it were Gon here holding him instead.

Leorio rocked him side to side until Killua's sobs grew quieter, until he was able to suck in a few deep breaths. He held him until Killua's breathing evened out, until the aftershocks of his sobbing subsided.

Leorio didn't draw back until Killua did. As he scrubbed a fist across his face, he was surprised to see that tear tracks marred the man's cheeks, too. 

Leorio swiped at his eyes behind his glasses, clearing his throat. "Jesus, kid. Now you've gone and made me cry."

Leorio took out a handkerchief and blew his nose into it. Killua cringed at his loud honks echoing through the hall, but he had to admit that it was a welcome break from the incessant sounds of the ventilator and heart monitor coming from Gon's room. 

"Hey, Leorio."

He stashed his gross handkerchief in his back pocket. "Huh? What's up?"

"Don't tell anyone."

Leorio's mouth dropped open. "Are you for real, Killua? You're just as big an idiot as Gon if you're worried about that right now."

Killua put on his best assassin stare, holding his nails up to Leorio's jugular. “I’m serious. I’ll kill you if you do.”

Leorio held his hands up in mock surrender. “Alright, alright, you little psycho! Nobody’ll hear it from me. Promise.”

Killua retracted his nails and let his shoulders drop. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them. God, this is why he fucking hated feelings. Now that he wasn't crying anymore, it was way too embarrassing to even look at Leorio.

"Seriously, though, kid. It's not like anyone cares. There are bigger fish to fry. Besides, Kurapika and I kinda already suspected.” He nudged Killua's shoulder with his own. "You could've told us, y'know."

"Yeah, right. Gross." Killua rolled his eyes and made a retching sound, but he perked up at the mention of their other friend. "Oh, yeah. Is Kurapika here with you?"

Leorio cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. 

"Ah, you know him," he said with a wave of his hand. He didn't meet Killua's eyes. "Always so dramatic. He's probably off moping somewhere, or busy with a job."

Killua couldn't believe it. A familiar anger simmered inside him again. How could Kurapika not come when Gon was hurt like this? What kind of friend was he? "Does he know what happened?"

Leorio dragged a hand down his face. "Honestly, kid, I'm not sure. He's... Not answering my calls."

Killua frowned. "That's weird. Since when?"

Leorio sighed through his nose and shrugged. "Does it matter?" He took his phone out of his pocket, tucking it away again with a scowl when he saw he had zero missed calls. "Just goes to show. No matter how old you are, love doesn't get any easier."

Killua's eyes widened. He sniffed and raised his head to fully look Leorio in the face. "Wait, what?"

"Okay, seriously? Have you had your head so far up Gon's ass that you haven't noticed?" Leorio poked Killua in the arm to punctuate the question.

The sheer vulgarity of what Leorio had just said dried the remainder of Killua’s tears entirely. “What?"

"Kurapika and I are together. Or, well, we were. It's complicated. We've been... Well, to be honest, we've kinda been on and off again for a while now." Leorio cleared his throat, one hand fiddling with the knot of his tie while the other scratched self-consciously at the back of his head. "But when we're together, things are good. Really, really good. The best they've ever been, actually."

"Oh." 

Was Leorio fucking blushing right now? How the fuck had Killua not noticed this? Had Gon known? He must have. If he did, why didn't he tell him? Did he think it was funny to keep Killua in the dark about this? "Oh," he said again. 

"Well, now you know." Leorio pushed his glasses up his nose and straightened up, rolling his shoulders back and smoothing his suit jacket with his hand. Although his shirt was still soaked with Killua's tears and crusted with his snot, the future astronomical dry cleaning bill didn’t seem to bother him at all. 

“Be honest, now. How’s my bedside manner, ranked outta ten? They grade us on this shit, y'know."

Killua let out a weak, wet laugh, wiping his nose on his sleeve. He knew a purposeful subject change when he saw one. “Not the worst, I guess. Seven point five? Except the part about Gon’s ass. That was weird.”

"Hey, that's not bad!" Leorio ruffled his hair, and Killua didn't shrug him off like he usually would.