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Jay tried to stop listening to the pop-country song playing over the department store radio as Matt sniffed at a twenty five dollar candle and winced. It was the worst thing he’d ever heard, about how girls were allowed to wear jeans. Girls had been allowed to wear pants for like, almost a hundred years, right? The mix was bad too. Matt pushed on his shoulder.
“Holy shit - give this one a gander, Bird…” Matt held the traffic cone orange candle up to Jay’s nose.
“A citrus tire fire...” Jay scrunched up his face. “Who’s making these?”
After a plan-related incident, the two ratty towels they owned were stained with black ink, and Jay realized they hadn’t smelled clean in a long time. Matt remembered that when he was growing up, there was a closet full of towels at his house. This began a fantastical catalogue of what other items constitute an “adult home” and after vetoing non-essentials (“Why would you want to slow cook something? That’s so stupid. Just cook it fast.”) they picked a home goods store with as few transit transfers as possible.
Jay couldn’t decide if he hated shopping or not. Looking at stuff with Matt was about as much fun as a guy could have, but he would always ask questions like “This one, or this one?” and hold up what seemed like two identical items. He was thankful Matt usually picked something on his own, as if he was just asking himself. They probably walked three miles going up and down the store. Matt seemed really excited, jostling his arm and poking at his sides, finding weird bric a brac to play act with.
“Plush, right? We’re going to live like kings, Birdie.” Matt handed him a towel, and smiled conspiratorially at him. “Let’s just get like, a whole run of the blue ones. I’m curious what the medium ones are for…”
There was a big line-up of twos in their cart. Matching popcorn bowls, matching slippers, matching couch pillows. He liked it but something was itching in the back of his head. At checkout, the woman at the register grinned at them sweetly.
“Aw, are you two moving in together?”
“We’ve lived together for while, actually.” Matt said, chuckling. “Pretty much as soon as we could.”
They seemed like a couple, Jay thought, wondering how they were going to get all this stuff home. This wasn’t new. He’d been fielding that question since he was a teenager. As the years went by he’d become a lot less reactive to it, especially as their practical interest in women seemed to wane (Jay questioned how much Matt ever had) and their domestic life together became something he wouldn’t trade for anything else.
The bags were overstuffed, Matt and Jay carried two to three in each hand. It was just over the polite limit of what should be taken onto a bus or a streetcar, but they were used to it. The throw pillows kept falling out. As the sun set over the city, Matt sighed peacefully and laid his cheek on Jay’s shoulder, his hat tipping up but not quite off. This was newer, in the grand scheme of their relationship. Matt had tried this at an earlier stage, in their twenties, in the middle of the night when they were watching TV and Jay instantly knuckle punched him on the thigh. But he liked it now, affection had become so easy. Matt would say good morning to him with a hand on his back, or pull him into a tight, long hug whenever something good happened. Jay looked down into the bag with all of their things, items that were either intrinsically shared, or looked so identical as to be elevated and known as a set for them.
Matt hadn’t corrected the woman at the store cooing over their story. He used to do that, unless he thought it was funny and would make Jay angry. When did that stop?
Had he missed something?
This would be huge compared to his usual forgetfulness, paling against a missed meal or his house keys. Their relationship wasn’t sexual, but that never really seemed on Matt’s radar, at least in a way that Jay could pick up on. They practiced kissing in their pre-teens and Matt was profoundly embarrassed by it. With the time that’s passed, Jay could honestly say it was pretty nice, even if he could hear his twenty-three year old self banging on the inside of his skull for admitting it. And the “B-friend” comment in their twenties that Jay shut down, it made sense that Matt never used that term for them again. At the end of the day, Matt was committed to their life together with a singular focus that made Jay unable to say it wasn't romantic.
Jay thought back to all the times Matt said he loved him. It was always a casual part of another sentence. I’d love you anyway, if- or Because I love you, idiot. He didn’t remember the first time he’d said it, maybe it because it felt natural.
“And the bunk beds…” Jay groaned, dropping his head back and closing his eyes. He was a complete jackass. And they went on dates. A night out was one thing, but dinner, a movie, a walk in the park, movies at home. They’d gone on hundreds by now. Posting up on the couch all day in pajamas with their legs just barely touching, watching movies they’d seen dozens of times just to be in each others company.
“What?” Matt sat up, “Oh. Damn, we could have gotten new sheets, you’re right. I have holes in mine”
He couldn’t just ask. At most, they’d been dating for four years. That’s when things really started to change and they were much more open with each other, no specific event came to mind but it had to be around then.
It would just have to be business as usual, with his boyfriend, Matt. Jay smiled. The giddiness of it all cut through the humiliation at his blunder. Even better, he didn’t have to deal with the feelings of doubt, the pain of realization, or yearning that come with changing a relationship. Matt just took care of that for him, in a way, as he always did. It made perfect sense.
They got home and set out all of their things. He could tell Matt thought he was acting strange, but just watched him carefully as they talked, discussing their next plan and whacking each other with the throw pillows. They did a song that heavily featured a popcorn bowl as a hat. Nothing had changed but Jay couldn’t stop looking at him differently, how he moved and laughed and smiled back at him.
Later on in the night they were watching a movie in the darkened living room. Matt was hugging one of the new pillows to his chest, already picking mercilessly at the seams and talking about nothing in particular. Jay felt emboldened enough to lay his head on his shoulder, totally content in the solid warmth of his body. Matt stuttered and Jay could hear the smile in his voice, but he didn’t say anything to break the spell. That was his boyfriend.
FOUR YEARS LATER
“Mom, I’m telling you - We’ve been over this, I’ve said it a hundred times.” Matt said into the phone as he raced down the stairs. “I mean - of course, thank you - yes, it’s a very nice gesture. But it’s not - Ok. Yep. Uh huh.” He made a get on with it motion as he walked over to the couch.
“Look I gotta go. I gotta go. Yeah. You too.” Matt tossed the phone onto the coffee table and stepped up onto the cushions, shaking his head. “Unbelievable.”
Jay turned around on the piano bench and raised his eyebrows. “How’s your mom doing?”
“She’s great.” Matt started writing ‘How to Win The Rivoli and Influence People’ on the whiteboard. He was still in his pajamas, a Talking Heads shirt that was getting too small for him and faded navy blue sweatpants. “She’s back on her PFLAG shit again. She bought us a couple’s spa package for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that crazy?”
“I’d go to the spa…” Jay said, stretching out the stiffness in his back. He doesn’t know what PFLAG stands for. “That’s nice of her.”
“Of course it’s nice.” Matt rolled his eyes. “It’s just, like, she won’t let up.”
“About what?”
“About us.” He said, gesturing to the both of them.
“What about us?” Jay shrugged.
Matt tilted his head, narrowing his eyes. “What do you mean ‘What about us?’ Bird?”
“What do you mean ‘What do you mean ‘What about us?’ Matt?” Jay said.
“For fucks sake…” Matt groaned and scrubbed a hand over his face. Jay chuckled.
“I don’t know, it’s nice that she’s come around to it.” Jay said. “My mom is super weird about everything still.”
“Yeah, but it’s like, no matter how much I deny it she still insists. It’s like she wants a gay son as bad as we want a show at the Rivoli.” Matt was starting to flush pink, like he always did when he talked about the two of them.
“Do you need to keep denying it, though?” Jay could feel himself stepping onto the plank, but they were already talking about it. And it was almost Valentine’s Day. Jay had romance on his mind, and his eye on a big teddy bear in the window of a store last week. Matt always acted like it was a huge surprise.
Matt froze with his back turned to Jay, his marker a centimeter away from the whiteboard.
“I mean…it’s been what, eight years now?” Jay continued.
“I- Uh. Jay?” Matt said at the very bottom of his voice, his face and neck in a full blush. “What? Could you, would you repeat that for me? What you just said.”
“I mean, ok, I don’t know exactly how long it’s been. Can I tell you a secret?” Jay laughed, a bit nervously.
Matt laughed way out of proportion in response, even for him. “Let it rip, Birdie.” He gave a pained smile, his voice oddly quiet. Matt’s focus had turned laser accurate towards Jay, his eyes scanning him Terminator-style. “You know how - you know how much I love your little secrets. Because nothing crazy ever happens after you tell me one.”
With that look, Jay didn’t want to tell him anymore. But the seed had been planted.
“Well…I guess I just didn’t realize how things were with us until like, four years ago. When we bought all those towels. And the pillows.”
“Uh huh. Towels and pillows.” Matt’s eyes darted to the frayed and deflated throw pillow on the couch. The other one had been tragically lost in a Wild Swipes: Redux incident. “Keep going.”
“I felt so stupid! Because it was so obvious, right? I know you don’t like talking about it. But it’s almost Valentines Day, so…” Jay pursed his lips and looked down at his feet, he really didn’t have more to say, and wasn’t sure what he said made any sense. He hated being in the hot seat.
He stole a glance up at Matt, who was blinking very fast and his eyes were no longer reading Jay like a book, instead staring at empty air between them.
“Ok. Yeah. So you - you…” He nodded, slowly. “We - me? You - yeah…huh. And me. Us! Ok, eight years. Eight big, big years. Matt, and Jay. This entire time. So…so cool.”
He sunk down onto his knees on the couch, still nodding, with a dumbfounded, agonized grin on his face.
“Matt I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
He walked over to Matt, who had pitched forward with his arms over his head like he was in an earthquake drill. He was mumbling nonsense to himself. As soon as Jay touched his back, he started laughing, high and hysterical. Jay knew the various microtones and threat levels of Matt’s laughing, and this was only two steps below I’m in so much pain you might need to call an ambulance.
“Please talk to me...” Jay said, rubbing a circle into his back. “I’m really, really sorry.”
“I’m about to go insane forever.” He said into the couch cushion. “You have to lock me in the basement now.”
“Matt…” He tried to pull up his shoulder, but he resisted.
“We’ve been in a - Jay, in your mind, in your beautiful, profoundly inscrutable mind, we’ve been dating for eight years?” Matt’s hands were threaded through his hair, his breathing deliberately slowed.
“In my mind?” Jay’s stomach dropped, his hand recoiling from Matt’s back. “I’m not your boyfriend?”
He cringed at how childish it sounded, but he felt childish. He felt like the stupidest man to ever walk the earth.
Matt actually screamed in response, pushing his face into the cushion before propelling himself upward like he had a spring lock. The woven pattern on the couch looked like it had been stamped on his forehead. He was sweating.
“I just would have liked a fucking memo!” He turned on the couch and grabbed onto Jay's arms, his head at his chest level, looking up. “We were just - since when -”
“We say we love each other all the time, Matt!” Jay felt odd relief from the misery once the anger settled in. “We cuddle up on the couch every night, and I’ve bought you three V-day gifts!”
“When...?”
“On V-day!" He shouted. "The flowers and the When Harry Met Sally VHS. And I tried to cook you a big steak but I gave you food poisoning.”
“That was on V-day?” He turned his head, eyes searching wildly in his memory. “Fuck.”
“You slept in my bunk when I had nightmares about the ball from The Prisoner, literally last week.”
“But we…” Matt looked Jay up and down. “We don’t fuck.”
“I know.” Jay shrugged.
“That didn’t - bother you?” Matt’s voice got small again as he looked up at him, the grip on Jay’s arms fidgeting with his sleeping shirt.
Jay shook his head. Matt took three very deep breaths, a massive tectonic shift occurring behind his eyes. He let go of Jay’s arms and flopped his head onto his chest, he smelled like their 3-in-1 soap and nervous sweat. Jay hugged him close and felt him shivering minutely like he had shell shock.
“I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. It’s already way too much most of the time.” Jay said, his heart rate was rising and his entire body felt like a live wire.
Matt started laughing again, quietly this time. Jay would recognize the cry-laugh from across a crowded room.
“Am I crazy?” Jay asked, pressing his chin onto Matt’s head. “Did I make everything up?”
“You’re the craziest fucking person that’s ever been born.” Matt said, sniffling. “You’re a singularly dangerous individual - and you’ve placed one million curses on me.”
“I feel the same way about you.” Jay smiled.
“You wanna know the worst part?” Matt said, bringing his hands up to hang off of Jay’s arms.
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re my stupid fucking boyfriend and I didn’t notice for eight years.”
“How embarrassing…” Jay said. “I think my stupid boyfriend hates me.”
Matt let go and shakily stood up off of the couch. He scrubbed his hands over his blotchy face, and looked at Jay like he hadn’t seen him for years.
“What about kissing?” Matt asked, the gears had already started to turn. “You never tried to kiss me.”
“We tried that, I thought you didn’t like it?”
“That was like - twenty years ago, Bird.” He said, crossing his arms, “And I freaked out because I did like it, until you put your tongue in my mouth.”
“That’s what you’re supposed to do!”
“Not like that. There’s no way that’s how it should have been done.”
“My technique has improved since then.”
Matt shifted a little uncomfortably, his embarrassed smile was a rare sight that made Jay want to squeeze him to death.
“We can try a little one?” Jay said, raising his eyebrows.
Matt nodded, straightening his posture. Jay leaned in and chastely kissed him, it was warm and soft and bizarrely familiar. Matt gave him a small and satisfied grin, the same one he made when Jay would come home, or when he would make him soup when he was sick.
“I can rock with that.” Matt said.
“Does this mean you’ll get me a V-day gift this year?” Jay asked, pushing Matt’s shoulder playfully.
“Birdie,” He said, looking suddenly very serious. “You have no fucking clue what’s about to happen to you.”
Jay laughed. He felt drunk, like nothing could touch him and he felt everything at the same time.
“I’m shifting into B-friend modes that like, you can’t even comprehend right now. You’re going to lose the boyfriend war.” He pointed right at Jay’s face.
“I don’t want to be at war…”
“Your pretty face has been drafted, I’m sorry to tell you.” He shook his head. “But first - this plan has been burning a hole in my pocket all night, man.”
“Oh! I was wondering where that was going,..” Jay said, reading the ‘How to Win The Rivoli and Influence People’ title on the whiteboard again.
Matt kicked over the throw pillow and stood back up onto the couch, and Jay walked over to the piano.
“So I read this terrible book last night, but I think it says something about the psychology of business…”