Chapter Text
Ilya wanted more than anything for the rumors not to be true. He'd spent the whole night frantically searching every article, tweet, and post for any sign of Shane's location. His brain was crowded with a montage of the accident. Shane getting hit. Shane's body hitting the ice. Shane laying there, motionless, as the emts carefully, slowly, moved his body onto a stretcher and fitted his neck with a brace. Shane being wheeled out of the arena and into an ambulance. Ilya had barely managed to stop himself from running after him. Maybe he should have, because now he was gone and Ilya had no way of finding him. His only plan was to alternate between calling Shane and scouring the internet for the name of his hospital, praying that ‘Shane Hollander dead’ wouldn't pop up in his suggested searches.
So far most of the headlines were nondescript, but bleak. ‘Shane Hollander down on ice’, ‘Shane Hollander neck injury’. People speculating that he was in a coma, or having surgery, or in an ICU bed with a tube in his throat. There were some images of Ilya hovering over Shane's motionless body. Captions calling him ‘shocked’ and ‘surprised’. If only they knew.
Ilya's heart was still threatening to break out of his chest when he came across a new headline. ‘Yuna Hollander stays silent’. He quickly clicked on it and scanned the text.
“…we met up with Yuna Hollander outside an unnamed hospital…”
Ilya nearly yelled in frustration. He felt his eyes get hot at the thought of never being able to see Shane again. Never being able to tell Shane that he loved him in a language he could understand. A lump started to form in his throat as one final idea came to mind.
He clicked out of the article and searched
‘Yuna Hollander manager info’.
Mixed feelings of hope, fear, and doubt flooded his system as her phone number filled the screen. Was he really about to call Shane's mother? What would he say? “Hi this is Ilya Rozanov, your son is gay and I'm in love with him so if you could please tell him that before he dies that would be great?”
Ilya took a deep breath to calm his shaking hands. Maybe he was being overdramatic. Maybe Shane would call him tomorrow, say it was just a concussion, and make fun of him for being so worried. Maybe if he called Yuna now, Shane would never forgive him for outing him to his parents.
But Ilya couldn't stop picturing images of Shane's funeral. Of not even being invited to say goodbye to him because no one knew how much Shane meant to him. He had to do something. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.
Ilya pressed on Yuna's number and prayed that he wasn't calling an office. Each ring felt like a punch to the chest. What if she didn't pick up? What if Shane was dying right now.
“It is very unprofessional for you people to be calling me at a time like this. It's bad enough you cornered me outside! You should be ashamed of yourselves…”
“Is this Yuna Hollander?”
Ilya couldn't keep the pain out of his voice and he didn't even know where to start. Should he introduce himself? Just ask if Shane's okay and hang up?
Yuna's tone had softened slightly when she spoke next.
“Yes. Who is this?”
“I… am not important. I am just calling to check on Shane. He is okay?”
Ilya's heart was in his throat.
“I prefer to keep details about my son's condition private. I'm not speaking to strangers.”
Ilya tried to come up with something. The truth was too much to say out loud. Shane is the only person left that Ilya loves. How could he possibly explain that to his mother?
An idea came to him. It was a long shot, and Shane might hate him for it, but he had to try. Ilya took another deep breath and forced his voice to stabilize.
“I… I am not a stranger. I am Lily.
For a moment, Yuna was silent. Ilya held his breath. He wasn't sure what to expect. Did she even understand what he meant?
Yuna cleared her throat. Her voice was laced with shock.
“You should be here. I'll send you the address.”
Ilya allowed himself a brief sigh of relief. She understood, and she even didn't sound upset. But there was still one thing he needed to know. One thing he'd been obsessing over for hours.
“Is he okay?”
Yuna thought for a moment.
“He will be.”
She sent him the location of the hospital and his room number. It wasn't too far away but Ilya didn't have any of his cars and the thought of waiting for an Uber made his skin crawl. So he did the only thing he could think to do. He ran. He ran so hard he felt like he was going to die but the thought of Shane waiting for him kept his legs moving.
Ilya showed up at the hospital ten minutes later terrified and drenched in sweat. He wasn't sure what to expect, with seeing Shane or meeting his parents. He'd never even spoken to them before and here he was turning their whole world upside down.
Ilya threw a few hundreds at the receptionist complaining about visiting hours ending and headed upstairs. He was surprised to see that Yuna was waiting outside of Shane's room. She was pacing and her face was etched with worry. Her eyebrows furrowed as Ilya approached her.
“Rozanov? How did you?”
Her confusion turned to shock as she out the pieces together. Ilya hadn't told her his name over the phone but judging by the look on her face, she'd figured it out.
“Oh my god.”
Ilya didn't know what to say. He'd never liked hospitals. He'd only been in one once when he was twelve. It smelled the same. The added pressure of meeting Shane's mother didn't help. He felt like he did back then. Scared and heartbroken and all alone. A tear fell down his cheek. He'd cried that night too. He heard his father's voice in his head telling him to stop being so pathetic. But this time things were different. This time, he felt strong arms wrapping around him. Pulling him close and telling him that everything was going to be okay.
Ilya sank into Yuna's shoulder and cried. He cried so hard he forgot to be embarrassed about the fact that he was soaking the shirt of a woman he'd just met. The same woman he'd just outed her son to. The same woman who probably hated him for tormenting her son for years. After he was finished, Ilya wiped his face on the sleeve of his hoodie.
“I am sorry. Your shirt.”
Yuna waved him off.
“Don't worry about that. Go get yourself some water and I'll tell Shane you're here.”
As Yuna turned back into Shane's room, Ilya grabbed himself a cup of water from the pitcher. He took a minute to calm himself down and think. That was not the first impression he'd imagined making on Shane's mom but he somehow felt better than before. It was then that a new thought hit him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried.
Suddenly, the door to Shane's hospital room opened and a man stepped out. Ilya recognized him as David. Shane's father. David's face was calm as he made his way over and extended his hand.
“Mr. Rozanov.”
Ilya took it and shook it firmly.
“Ilya.”
“Ilya.” David repeated. “My wife told me what happened. I have to say I'm surprised but it's nice to finally meet you.”
Ilya was a little confused.
“Finally?”
“Yes.” David chuckled a little. “Shane has told us all about you. Or, well, Lily. But I suppose you're one and the same.”
Ilya couldn't help but smile.
“He mentioned ‘Lily’ offhandedly one time a few years ago and hasn't shut up since.”
David's face took on a more serious appearance.
“Before you see him you should know, he's a little banged up. A cast and a few stitches, but other than that he's fine on the outside.
“On the outside?” Ilya was beginning to get worried.
David hesitated before he spoke next. “He's gonna have to stay in the hospital for a little while and he gave me permission to tell you why.”
David took a long breath and continued.
“While they were examining him the doctors discovered that he was extremely malnourished. They figure that's probably why he took the hit so hard.”
Ilya felt stupid. Obviously what David was saying made sense to him, but Ilya wasn't getting any of it. English was hard enough on a good day and this was definitely not one of those.
“I am sorry. What is mainourisht?”
David didn't make him feel silly at all. He just explained.
"It means Shane's body hasn't been getting enough nutrients.”
David correctly guessed that Ilya was familiar with that term seeing as how they're both athletes.
Ilya took all of this in. He was still confused.
“Why is Shane…”
David answered the questioned before he asked.
“He stopped eating properly months ago. He needs to get help for it so he can eat normally again.”
Ilya wasn't sure he fully understood, but he needed to see Shane. To finally know that he was here and Ilya hadn't lost him.
Ilya's attention was drawn away from david as Yuna came out of Shane's room.
“He's ready to see you.”
She put her hand on her husband's arm.
“David and I are gonna head down to the cafeteria. Give you two a chance to talk.”
As they headed downstairs, Ilya prepared himself to see Shane again.
When Ilya finally saw Shane for the first time since he laid motionless on the ice, it was almost too much to bear. This time, he didn't stop himself from running towards him and wrapping his arm around him.
“I can't believe you're here.”
Shane's voice was smaller than normal and Ilya almost started crying again just hearing it.
“Of course I am here. I am sorry it took so long.”
Ilya let his hand stroke Shane's face.
“It's okay, Ilya. I'm okay. It's just a concussion and a fractured collarbone. We've seen worse.”
“No is not okay. Your dad said you are- what is word? Not have nutrients.
“Oh right.”
Shane looked scared.
“I have to tell you something, but I'm scared.”
“Scared of me?”
“No. I'm scared that you won't like me anymore.”
Shane's face crumpled.
“I'm sorry.”
“Sorry? Why are you sorry? Whatever it is you can tell me. I promise.”
Ilya grabbed Shane's hand with his free one.
Tears were welling in Shane's eyes now, but he swallowed and continued on.
“A few months ago I started getting really into dieting. I mean I've always watched what I ate but this was different. I was keeping track of everthing and for the first few weeks I was okay.”
Shane's hand was shaking and Ilya rubbed the back of it with this thumb while he wiped a tear off Shane's cheek.
“But overtime, I started eating less and less to the point where I could go a whole day without even feeling that hungry. And it became sort of a challenge. The more I restricted myself, the better I felt.”
“Eventually I stopped wanting to eat at all and I felt bad everytime I did.”
He was crying harder now and Ilya laid down on the bed and gently pulled him into his chest.
“I didn't want anyone to know. I told my parents it was an accident but it wasn't.”
Shane burried his face further into Ilya's chest.
“I'm so sorry. I'm so pathetic. I should've known better I'm an athlete for fucks sake.”
Ilya turned Shane's face toward his own.
“Do not say that about yourself. Is not true. You are very brave for telling me. ”
For awhile, neither of them spoke. They just laid on the bed tangled together. Ilya couldn't imagine ever wanting to leave Shane's side again.
So when Shane looked up at him, his eyes still wet with shed tears, and asked him if he'd come to his cottage this summer, he said yes.
Later, after Shane's parents had gone home for the night, some of the nurses came in, followed by a doctor Shane didn't recognize. Ilya stirred awake in the visitors chair.
“Hi Shane, my name is Dr. Valmera.”
She smiled at him warmly.
“Hi.”
“I'm a gastroenterologist and I took a look at some of your scans. I'd like to talk to you about them if that's okay?”
“Sure.”
“The nurses informed me that you accidentally adopted an insufficient diet a few months ago, is that right.”
Shane looked down. He wasn't sure what to say. He was too emotionally exhausted to tell the story again. He looked over at Ilya and they shared a moment of silent understanding. Ilya knew what he had to do. Without hesitating he spoke.
“Shane tells me it was not accident. He needs help.”
Dr. Valmera turned to look at Ilya and then back to Shane.
“Shane is this true?”
Shane nodded.
“Well we have an on-site psychiatrist you can speak with as well as many off-site treatment programs I can recommend.”
Shane nodded again.
“As for tonight, given the severity of your condition and the nature of your needs I'd like to talk to you about having an ng tube placed to help avoid refeeding syndrome.”
“Refeeding syndrome?”
Shane was starting to panick. He knew what an ng tube was. The thought of needing one made his heart race.
“It's a condition triggered by reintroducing food too quickly in cases of malnutrition and it can be fatal. Given that you're an elite athlete, you're at a greater risk for it, and I think an ng tube is the best course of action.”
“What if I say no?”
“Then I'd recommend a slow feeding diet which will eventually be the goal even with the feeding tube but I'm worried that introducing solids too soon will be detrimental.”
Shane was so lost in thought that he didn't realize Ilya was by his side again until he felt his hand grab his. He didn't care that everyone was watching them. He needed Ilya by his side for what he was about to do.
“Okay. Let's do the tube.”
Dr. Valmera explained the procedure as the nurses prepped him for it. Ilya never let go of his hand.
“-and once you leave the hospital you'll be able to place these tubes at home until you're able to handle solids.”
Dr. Valmera was gloved and lubing up the tube.
“Just tell me when youre ready.”
He looked at Ilya who gave him an encouraging smile.
“You are so brave. I am right here.”
Shane took a deep breath and nodded.
“Okay, I'm ready.
They gave him a cup of water.
“Alright, just remember to swallow.”
It felt like he was dying. Shane tried to force his body to drink the water as his head exploded with pain. He felt like he was choking and drowning. He squeezed Ilya's hand.
“Okay it's in.”
Most of the pain was gone but his throat still felt weird. Ilya kissed his forehead as the nurses checked the placement of his tube. They walked him through how to use it.
Before Dr. Valmera left for the night, she reassured him.
“You did amazing Shane, and its not forever. I can explain this all to your parents tomorrow if you want me to.”
“That would be great, thank you.”
After she and the nurses left, Ilya crawled back in bed next to Shane.
“I am so proud of you.”
“Don't be. It's my fault.”
“Is not your fault you are sick. But you will get better.”
“What if I can't do it.”
“I think you proved you can.”
“My parents are gonna hate me.”
“They would not stay at hospital all day if they could hate you.”
“Wouldn't all parents do that?”
“No.”
Before Shane could question his response, Ilya reached over to the side table and turned off the light. As they drifted into sleep against each other, Ilya whispered the one thought he hadn't said that day.
“я тебя люблю”