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August 5th 2015
At age fifteen, Penelope’s best friend moved away.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Pen,” Colin muttered into her ear as he squeezed his arms tighter around her back. Penelope didn’t respond, throat too thick with tears and the words she couldn't bring herself to say. Instead, she burrowed her head further into his neck, inhaling his scent as if it were the last time she’d ever see him.
Her heart dropped when she realized that it probably was.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he croaked, voice coming out shaky as his own tears slid down his face.
Penelope finally broke, clinging onto him tightly as she sobbed into his neck. Every emotion she had ever felt for her best friend of two years came pouring out of her through her tears. Every ounce of love she’d been harboring for him, every ounce of hatred at herself for never telling him, and every ounce of resentment she’d suddenly felt for Violet for making the only person Penelope had ever allowed herself to let into her heart move away from her. Penelope knew it was for a job opportunity and she couldn’t possibly expect Colin’s mother to pass it up just because her son's best friend had gotten so used to being in his light that she was scared to discover how it’d feel to slip back into the darkness once he was gone.
“I don’t want you to leave either,” she admitted, biting back the ‘I want you to stay with me forever,’ that sat on the tip of her tongue.
They continued to hold each other as tightly as they could in the middle of Penelope’s front yard, nothing but the streetlights and fireflies illuminating their bodies. She wished she possessed the power to freeze time, if only to prolong the moment and never have to experience what it’d feel like to lose the other half to her heart.
“Penelope, you need to hurry up! Your father wants to go to Reno’s for their buffet night!”
Penelope wanted to scream at her mother for ruining this perfect moment and scream at her father for wanting to hit the casino on a school night, knowing she’d be the one left to deal with his drunken self later that night. Her parents always ruined everything.
Could Portia not see that her own daughter was two seconds away from falling apart and shattering into a broken mess along the tall grass beneath her feet?
Worse yet, her mother most likely did notice and decided to add to her daughter’s anguish anyways. Portia Featherington had always been a cruel human being.
“I don’t want to let you go,” Penelope gave one final plea, chest aching because she knew no matter how much she begged and cried, Colin was still leaving.
“I wish you could come live with me,” Colin replied, voice a hollow whisper as he gave her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and brought both hands up to wipe away her tears. It was no use, Penelope bursting into tears all over again as her mother continued to shout for her to hurry up.
“I wish I could, too.”
—
April 8th 2016
At age sixteen, on her birthday, Penelope’s parents gifted her a phone.
“Happy birthday. Maybe now you can leave us alone,” Portia muttered, throwing a box into Penelope’s lap.
It was her sixteenth birthday, but as per usual, Penelope hadn’t gotten her hopes up for any sort of celebration or gifts this year, typically only receiving a cupcake, if anything, on her birthdays, and stared at the box confusedly for a moment until Portia groaned and rolled her eyes.
“Just open the damn box, Penelope.”
Wincing at the hatred spewing in mothers voice, Penelope fumbled to open the box hurriedly, a gasp spilling out of her mouth when she realized what was inside.
“You guys got me a phone?!” she shrieked, pulling the black device out of the box with a wide grin. She started tapping through the set up instructions excitedly, already brainstorming on what she would download first.
“Don’t act so surprised, we’re always spending money on you,” Portia bit back, causing Penelope’s smile to falter for a second. It was a blatant lie and Penelope desperately wanted to argue that she had just gotten a second job to help her parents pay the bills, but decided the following headache wouldn’t be worth it, wanting to focus on happily setting up her phone.
After Portia spent what was supposedly enough time with her youngest daughter—seven minutes—she left her alone on the couch, and Penelope quickly downloaded all the social media apps she could think of once her iCloud was functioning. She spent the rest of the afternoon creating her accounts across all platforms, adding or following close relatives and friends.
Later that night as she was scrolling through Facebook on her bed, she saw a familiar face pop up in the ‘people you may know’ section, and her heartbeat ceased.
It was him.
Her Colin.
Clicking on his name to view his page, a sense of longing wrapped itself around her like a warm blanket as she stared at his profile picture. He looked just as perfect as she remembered.
It had only been eight months since Colin had moved three states away, leaving Penelope alone in a dead end town with a family that’d rather pretend like she didn’t exist. Portia had constantly nagged at Penelope to get over the fact that Colin was no longer here, but that didn’t stop her from wishing that she was looking at him making that same silly face on his profile in person. That didn’t stop her from crying all over again at just how deeply she missed him. That also didn’t stop her from clicking ‘add friend’ before quickly closing out of the app and rolling over in hopes to sleep as butterflies filled her tummy.
The following morning, Penelope woke up and checked her phone, seeing that she had a notification from Facebook. Her stomach flipped when she opened it and saw that Colin had added her back.
The butterflies multiplied when she noticed he had sent her a message as well.
—
March 16th 2017
At age seventeen, Penelope and Colin started calling each other every night.
Throwing her book bag into the corner of her bedroom, Penelope wiped her tears before snatching the buzzing phone from the back pocket of her jeans and flinging herself onto her bed, belly down. Her lips stretched into a wide grin when she saw who was calling, and she swiped her thumb across the answer button without a second thought.
“Hi, Colin!” she said gleefully, excited to hear from her favorite person after a long, exhausting day. These nightly calls with Colin had become the best part of her day since the two had exchanged phone numbers on Facebook a little under a year prior.
“Hi, Pen,” he responded just as happily, “how was your day?”
Penelope sighed, clicking the speaker button on her phone before setting it on her pillows as she began to pick at the skin around her nails— an anxious habit she had developed when she was young.
“Fine,” she muttered, “everything was fine.”
Colin picked up on the melancholic tone in her voice, still shocking Penelope at how easily he read her like a book.
“Are you sure?”
Penelope huffed, rolling onto her back as she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes in an attempt to push the tears threatening to fall back in.
“Just my parents being assholes like usual. Like I said, everything is fine.”
“It doesn’t sound like everything was fine, and that’s okay,” he assured her, voice soft. “Do you want to talk to me about it?”
Penelope remained silent, on the verge of bursting into tears she’d be trying so desperately to control the entire day.
“Would you rather hear about my day first?”
He always knew what she needed and her heart yearned for him to be here, if only to feel the warmth and comfort of being in his arms once more. She loved him so much that it physically hurt to be apart from him, everyday since he left causing painful jabs to her chest.
“Yes, please.”
And so Colin went off on a tangent about his apparently boring day. Penelope listened quietly, letting out a sniffle here and there as she tried to calm herself down. Colin continued on to a story about how his older brother Anthony had broken one of the windows in their house while playing baseball in the backyard, causing Penelope to laugh as she pictured it in her head. Her racing heart slowed as Colin started laughing with her, and the familiar air of serenity that always seemed to float around him, traveled through the phone and surrounded her, pulling her from the dark pit she had started to fall into right before he called. She felt like she could breathe again. She felt whole again.
“I miss you,” she blurted out, cutting off whatever story he had started next. Colin sighed sadly, letting out a low hum.
“I miss you, too, Penelope. So fucking much.”
A broken sob slipped past her lips and she heard Colin let out one of his own.
Every cry he uttered felt like a faint crack in her own heart.
—
July 3rd 2018
At age eighteen, everything changed between them.
For the past year, Colin and Penelope had never once strayed from their nightly calls. The one tonight started off like most of their calls did, going over each other’s days and discussing any upcoming events or future plans. Colin was talking about his upcoming first year at college, sounding ecstatic about this new beginning. The two had planned to go to college together since before he had moved away.
Penelope was excited for him, she really was. But she wasn’t able to afford to go to college this upcoming year, choosing to take a gap year instead and work a few jobs to save up for the following year. She hadn’t told Colin this yet, trying to figure out the right time to mention it. A huge part of her was afraid that this would be the beginning of her losing him once again, something she didn’t know her heart could handle going through a second time.
“And then we can go on little coffee runs before study dates in the library. I can’t wait, Pen!”
Her heart skipped a beat at the word ‘date,’ wanting nothing more than to experience those things with him, even if he hadn’t meant it in the literal sense. She couldn’t bear letting him get his hopes up any longer, deciding to bite the bullet and blurt it out before she talked herself out of it again.
“Colin, I’m sorry to just spring this on you like this but…I’m not going to Bryler U next year. I’m taking a year off.”
The line went heavy with a sudden, suffocating silence. If it weren’t for the tiny inhales she heard every now and then, she’d have thought he hung up. Anxiety rose in her stomach the more it carried on.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried, scrambling for something to say that could fix this. “I couldn’t afford to go this year— even with the scholarship, and I know it’s something we always dreamed about doing together and I still want that so badly but I just can’t right now. I didn’t know how to tell you this and I hate that I waited so long to say anything and if you hate me now, I’d unders-“
“I love you.”
Despite laying on her bed, Penelope suddenly felt dizzy. Her brain short circuited, taking a minute to register what Colin had just said.
“Wh-What?”
That was certainly not at all what she had expected him to say.
Colin let out a shaky breath from the other end of the phone. She clutched her phone tighter, hoping she hadn’t imagined him saying those words.
“I love you, Pen. I’m so in love with you and it’s killing me that I can’t hold you right now, that I can’t comfort you. Yes, we dreamed of going to university together, but if that doesn’t happen until next year or after or not at all, as long as you’re still in my life some way, somehow, that’s okay with me. I’m here for you no matter what happens so don’t ever be afraid to tell me what’s on your mind. And never think I hate you. That couldn’t be further from the truth, okay?”
“Okay,” Penelope responded in a hush tone. “And Colin?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you, too. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
“That’s good, Pen. Don’t ever stop, please.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Get some sleep, love. Same time tomorrow?” he asked, yawning into the phone.
Letting out a yawn of her own, Penelope snuggled into her pillows with a loopy grin planted on her face, her cheeks starting to ache.
“Always. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
—
June 25th 2019
At age nineteen, Penelope called Colin and made a life changing decision.
“Babe, slow down. What’s going on?”
Penelope gasped for air as she tried to get her breathing under control, body trembling in fear as panic flooded her nervous system.
“He took it all,” she managed to rasp out, cries wracking her chest as she felt herself slipping into another breakdown. It'd been the fourth one in less than two hours. Her body felt overcome with exhaustion but she couldn’t calm herself down, despite every attempt she made at doing so.
“All of what? Pen, please just breathe for me,” her boyfriend pleaded through the phone, sounding frantic.
Penelope couldn’t blame him, she did call him at two-thirty in the morning in the middle of a panic attack, unable to voice what had caused her to freak out in the first place.
“Breathe with me, please babe.”
Colin stilled his voice and Penelope focused on that, listening to him as he encouraged her to take in slow, deep breaths. He kept his voice steady and calm as he continued to guide her through the breaths, until she eventually felt her heartbeat level out and the fogginess clouding her brain clear.
“Thank you,” Penelope whispered, pushing away the shame trying to tighten its grip on her. She had never once let Colin witness or hear her during one of those low moments, and she prayed to God that it wouldn’t scare him off now that he had.
“Are you okay?”
Tears instantly pooled in her eyes and Penelope took another deep breath to settle the anxiety that started bubbling in her stomach again.
“No, baby,” she gasped out, clicking the speaker on her phone so she could wrap her arms around herself, needing comfort. “I’m not okay.”
Penelope brought a hand up to her mouth, biting down onto her knuckle to keep a whimper from breaking through.
“My dad stole all the money I had been saving up for college and gambled it away. My mom just let it happen.”
Colin gasped loudly and the tears that had been threatening to spill finally won the battle, pouring down her cheeks in hot waves.
“That’s fucking terrible, Pen. I’m so sorry.”
Grabbing a pillow, Penelope pressed it to her face and wailed into it, letting out all of the sorrows and frustrations that growing up in a family that never loved her had given her. She had always known her parents to be awful, cruel people, but she had never imagined that they would stoop this low. One more day here and she’d lose her fucking mind.
“I wish I lived with you,” she murmured miserably, so drained from the heartache of today that she was saying whatever came to mind. “I can’t stand this place. I can’t stand them.”
“So why don’t you?” Colin asked, an excited lilt in his voice. Penelope giggled, and shook her head at his insane suggestion.
“Baby, that’s ludicrous. You just got that house and we haven’t even been together that long,” she argued, even as her heart soared with the thought of it. It had been all she dreamt about for months now.
“Okay, and? This house is way too big for just me, Pen. And I want you here, so much. I know we’ve been together less than a year, but I love you and want this with you. It’s been on my mind for quite some time, honestly. You deserve to come home to a place that makes you happy. You deserve to be and to feel loved, Pen. Say yes.”
She contemplated her answer for less than a second.
“Yes.”
—
Present Day 2026
At age twenty-six, Penelope still couldn’t quite believe how her life had turned out.
“…Twelve, fourteen, thirteen, seventeen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!”
Penelope giggled into her husband's shoulder hearing their daughter count. The four-year-old twins, Sawyer and Silas, had asked to play hide and seek after breakfast, claiming that their family had to enjoy the nice day before the storm rolled in later. Colin had quickly agreed, always wanting to put a smile on their kids’ faces.
“Shhh, we have to be quiet or she’ll find us,” her husband said playfully, tickling his hand along her side. Penelope bit his shoulder to keep from laughing, trying to remain quiet as she fought to push Colin’s hands away.
“Then stop! You know I hate being tickled,” she whisper-yelled, giggling again when he started tickling her once more.
“Oh dear, looks like my poor wife can’t stop laughing. Guess I’ll have to find a way to keep her quiet,” he murmured in her ear, leaning back to wave his eyebrows suggestively. Penelope didn’t get the chance to respond before Colin cupped her jaw in one hand and dragged her up into a slow, passionate kiss. She sighed into his mouth, pressing up on her tippy toes to deepen the kiss, pushing her tongue past the barrier of his lips and plunging both hands into his long curly locks. Tugging at the hair, she smirked against his lips when he let out a deep groan.
“I thought you said we needed to be quiet,” she teased, pressing kisses along his jaw covered in a light layer of stubble. Penelope loved the slight sting it left on her skin. Suckling on the spot below his jaw, the spot she knew drove her husband wild, Penelope giggled when he let out a breathy moan. “That’s not very quiet, baby.”
Colin chuckled darkly, the sound sending shivers down Penelope’s spine, and he pulled her flush against his body. She was surrounded by his heat, the hardness of his broad chest making her head spin. Even after all these years, Colin Bridgerton still had such an effect on her, one she never wanted to live without.
“Penelope, you’re being very naughty.”
He clutched her hips in a firm grip and leaned down to kiss her deeply, swallowing every little noise she made. She felt her husband’s strong hands slip lower to her backside, squeezing her ass as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. Penelope started trailing her own hand down his chest, fingertips brushing along his solid abs, before reaching the waistline of his jeans. She made eye contact with Colin, his pupils blown wide and mouth dropped in a small ‘o’ and started sliding her hand further down.
“FOUND YOU!”
The sound of their daughter’s excited yell coming from behind Colin broke the two out of the heated bubble they had found themselves in under the willow tree in their backyard.
“Dang, you always find me!” Colin groaned mockingly, turning towards Sawyer. She was grinning proudly at her father, looking every bit like him minus the bright red shade of her curly hair. “Guess that means you’ll have to have to be visited by the TICKLE MONSTER!”
Colin took off after her with his arms outstretched wildly. Sawyer darted out from under the willow tree, giggling and yelling in excitement as she ran around the yard to dodge her dad’s tickles. Silas must’ve felt left out from his hiding spot under the slide of their playset, darting out to join in with his father on trying to tickle Sawyer as Penelope made her way to the back patio.
A smile stayed on her face as she watched the little family she’d created run around happily in the backyard of the home she and Colin had built. It was a dream come true, and Penelope had never thought she could ever have it.
“I hate to ruin all of the fun, but it’s almost time for lunch,” Penelope reminded them after checking the clock on her phone. As if on cue, both Silas and Colin’s stomachs let out a loud growl, causing Sawyer to jump. Penelope chuckled, shaking her head at the two boys. Silas may have looked exactly like her, but his appetite definitely took after his father’s.
“What’s on the menu, love?” Colin asked, pressing a kiss to her cheek once he was back at her side. They both chuckled when both twins pretended to gag at the sight.
“Pizza.”
“YES!” Sawyer and Silas cheered simultaneously, bounding over to Penelope and throwing themselves into her arms. She instantly wrapped them in her embrace, the overwhelming force of love and affection she held for them causing tears to brim in her eyes.
“We love you, mommy,” Silas whispered, squeezing her tighter. Sawyer nodded in agreement against Penelope’s shoulder and a few tears sprung free.
The warm touch of her husband's finger swiping her tears away, the same way he had all those years ago on the day she thought she lost him, caused her to cry even harder. This was all Penelope had ever wanted, and it was now hers. It took her breath away every time she thought about it.
“Don’t cry, mommy. We hate seeing you cry!”
“Yeah, mommy. You’re the best ever, don’t cry.”
Squeezing her children tighter, Penelope pressed a kiss to each of their heads and promised to always give them her never-ending love and a childhood far better than the one she experienced. A promise she had given to them since the day they were born.
“Let’s go eat, love,” Colin whispered, brushing his lips against her forehead and wiping away the lingering tears.
“Sorry,” she whispered, not knowing why she had gotten so emotional.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he replied easily, giving her a soft smile. “You deserve this life, Penelope. You deserve to be happy.”
“Listen to daddy, mommy,” Silas butted in, kissing her cheek. Sawyer popped her head up and grinned.
“Yeah, he’s like the smartest guy ever,” Sawyer added, and Silas agreed by nodding, causing Colin to beam proudly. Penelope rolled her eyes playfully and looked at him with nothing but fondness when she responded.
“Yes he is.”
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry, no