Archive of Our Own

CASSIE: If I murder Zane you've all got my back, right?

CAITLIN: Oh, no. What a shock 🫢

NICOLE: Who could have committed such a terrible act of violence???

SELENA: He was going to be a father! So young! So much life ahead of him!

LISA: Cassie must be devastated 😢

JANE: No, officer, she was visiting me in Montreal. I'm just so glad she was with a friend when she heard the news 😔😔

CASSIE: 💀💀💀

CASSIE: You guys are the best

LISA: Theoretically, what did Bood do?

CASSIE: He clipped his toe nails in the KITCHEN and I found one on the counter while I was making breakfast

JANE: Oh, they'd let you get away with it for that. You don't even need us.

CAITLIN: 🤣

JANE: So, I am currently on FaceTime with Ilya

NICOLE: Are your clothes on?

LISA: Nikki asking the important questions

JANE: It's not important to what I am trying to tell you

CASSIE: So they're not on, got it

JANE: I'll be back to finish this conversation later

SELENA: When her clothes are on!

JANE: So! I was talking to Ilya

CAITLIN: Was this before or after you were naked??

CASSIE: 🤣🤣

SELENA: 🤣🤣

NICOLE: 🤣🤣

LISA: 🤣🤣

JANE: GOOD NIGHT!!

JANE: A few weeks ago, Ilya was telling me about this old Soviet cartoon that he used to watch as a kid

NICOLE: In Soviet Russia cartoon watches you

NICOLE: Don't tell him I made that stupid joke

JANE: This resulted in a very long discussion about how Winnie the Pooh is actually British and not some weird Soviet fever dream

CASSIE: @Nicole DUMB

CASSIE: There is a Russian version of Winne the Pooh???

JANE: YES

JANE: Our FaceTime date turned into watching Vinni-Pukh on youtube 🤦🏻‍♀️

SELENA: Ah this was naked night then

CAITLIN: NAKED NIGHT

JANE: 1. Most nights are naked night
2. That's not relevant!

LISA: Wait I just looked up Vinni-Pukh and he's so cute!!!!

JANE: I found someone selling a plush of him online and bought it for Ilya for Christmas

NICOLE: We love a wholesome outcome of naked night

JANE: There is nothing wholesome about naked night

LISA: @Jane have you gotten your gift yet 😉

JANE: [An image of a kitchen sink with a pair of cobalt blue rubber gloves with white lace attached to the cuffs draped over the faucet.]

CASSIE: We thought you'd enjoy the Metros colors lol

NICOLE: Have they seen any action??? 👀

CAITLIN: Ew lol

CAITLIN: Why would you phrase it like that?

JANE: I mean, I washed the dishes with them?

SELENA: But was it naked night?

JANE: It was the afternoon

CAITLIN: Naked afternoon!!!

JANE: 🖕🖕🖕

JANE: I have been babysitting my best friend's kids all day and I don't know how you all with kids to this all day everyday

NICOLE: Lol How many kids?

JANE: 4

JANE: The oldest 2 are twins

SELENA: I have three and that feels excessive sometimes I can't imagine FOUR

JANE: They're great kids but I am so very tired

JANE: At least the little ones are resting on the couch with me, the older 2 are using Uncle Ilya like a climbing structure

CASSIE: UNCLE ILYA 🥹🥹🥹

CAITLIN: She's too hormonal to deal with Uncle Ilya lol

JANE: [A photo taken from behind of Ilya standing in a living room, in front of a television playing a Barbie movie, with a young girl hanging off either arm seemingly using them as free weights.]

CASSIE: 😭😭😭😭😭

LISA: Stooooop that's so cute

CASSIE: Jane you have to give that man babies

JANE: 😳😳

NICOLE: omg Ignore her Jane you don't have to have kids if you don't want to

CASSIE: RIGHT sorry!!!! I am just in the throes of pregnancy hormones and being insane

JANE: No, you're not insane. We've talked about kids and stuff 🤷🏻‍♀️

CAITLIN: Kids and stuff lol

JANE: We'd like to… someday. It's just between living in 2 different cities and all the traveling we both do its not in the cards currently

JANE: But Ilya is GREAT with kids and he's said he wants them but “not 4, that is irresponsible number of children”

LISA: I read that in his accent 🤣

NICOLE: Same 💀💀

SELENA: @Jane How was naked night™ (Russian Edition)

CASSIE: NOT THE TRADEMARK

CAITLIN: It's the (Russian Edition) for me 💀

SELENA: Janieeee

LISA: Jane said she's on a work trip, right? Maybe she doesn't have time to discuss her depraved Russian FaceTime antics with us

NICOLE: [A ‘How Rude’ gif from Full House.]

LISA: FMK

CASSIE: YESS

LISA: [Three images. 1. A still of Shane Hollander from a cologne ad. It's all in greyscale he is in a crisp white shirt with serval buttons undone, his hair is windswept from his face. 2. A still from a beverage ad where Shane is wearing a white t-shirt and his drenched. Water droplets are falling down his face and his shirt sticks to every muscle on his chest and stomach. 3. A Calvin Klein ad where Shane is wearing a pair of snug grey boxer briefs and reclined on an overstuffed armchair. His legs are spread almost indecently and his hooded gaze is staring straight at the camera.]

CAITLIN: LISA!!

JANE: 😳

NICOLE: Can I fuck all three or…?

LISA: THATS WHAT IM SAYING

SELENA: Fuck the last one, Marry the first one, and Kill the second if only because based on the drink I'm afraid he'd be sticky

CASSIE: [A ‘Good Answer’ gif from Family Fued.]

CAITLIN: I also agree with Selena

NICOLE: Yeah

JANE: Uh yeah

CASSIE: Oh, shit. Aren't he and Roz like good friends now?

LISA: Have you met my man???? 👀

JANE: I'm going to bed, I have an early morning meeting

JANE: Enjoy your thirsting ✌️

LISA: Today has been absolute hell and it's not even noon 🫠

CASSIE: What's wrong babe?

LISA: Just crazy ER doctor nonsense on top of the already crazy patient nonsense. Wyatt's on the roadie and I haven't been sleeping well and I picked up a shift so I wouldn't be miserable around the house but now I'm miserable here

SELENA: Have you told Hazy?

LISA: No they're in a really good place right now with the team and I don't want to distract him

CAITLIN: Lisa no

JANE: I am breaking wag code

LILY: ?

JANE: Lisa is at work and REALLY struggling and doesn't want to bother Wyatt

JANE: Could you find a way to have him call her or something? She's miserable

LILY: I'll take care of it 🩵

JANE: Я люблю тебя

LILY: You definitely just have that saved in your clipboard so you don't have to type it

LILY: But I love you too 😘

LISA: [A photo of a huge bouquet of flowers.] Wyatt sent me flowers 🥺🥺 And a note that says he's thinking of me and he loves me

NICOLE: Awwww

JANE: That's so sweet

CAITLIN: 💖💖

CASSIE: Are you alive, Jane?

CAITLIN: lol Death by Russian Dick

JANE: I'm alive 👍 Barely

SELENA: Roz really took care of you huh lol

LISA: Excuse me ☝️ his name is Duty

NICOLE: 💀💀💀

CASSIE: Jane really did her Duty last night apparently

CAITLIN: Did Canada proud 🫡

SELENA: 🫡

LISA: 🫡

NICOLE: 🫡

CASSIE: 🫡

JANE: You guys are weird I'm going back to bed 🫡

SELENA: Nick showed me a picture of Roz's new dog and now the kids are begging for one 😮‍💨

NICOLE: Roz got a dog???

JANE: Yes, Anya. [A photo, obviously a selfie taken by Ilya, of Ilya laying on the floor of his living room with Anya laying on his chest.]

CASSIE: She's so cuuuuuuute

CAITLIN: So precious 😍

JANE: He is ordering a dog bed and toys to be delivered to my house for when they come to visit 🤦🏻‍♀️

NICOLE: She is very cute but I cannot do the dog and the twins while Josh is traveling

SELENA: Is she going to stay with you while Roz is on roadies?

JANE: He has found a hotel for her to stay at when he travels

LISA: So, a kennel?

JANE: It's a hotel. Very bougie. She is about to be the most spoiled dog in Canada

CASSIE: From raga to riches, we love that for her

LISA: So this is probably the least opportune time and I am sure you have about a million other things to be stressed about but I wanted to apologize for so speaking so lewdly about you before

SHANE: Lisa, it's really so fine. You didn't know it was me. I should be saying sorry for being in your private space where you talk about that stuff

LISA: You can't be polite, humble, and hot Hollander. It's not right.

SHANE: I'm sorry. Maybe I'll work on being less humble after Ilya and I get married

LISA: I would appreciate that, thank you.

CASSIE: BBQ at our house day before game 3.

SELENA: Shane, are you coming? 👀

CAITLIN: 👀

LISA: 👀

NICOLE: 👀

SHANE: Yes, I'll be there!

CASSIE: I know you said before that you have a pretty strict diet. What do I need to get for you?

SHANE: Oh, no. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me

CASSIE: Hi food is a love language in this house let me love you

SHANE: 🥹

LISA: He's on a macrobiotic diet

NICOLE: Lisa… baby

CAITLIN: 🤫🤫

SHANE: I was so chill about the pictures and the general thirsting, Lisa

LISA: SHUT UP

CASSIE: I will google some things

SELENA: Do you do salmon, Shane?

SHANE: Sometimes, yeah

CASSIE: We'll do salmon! Troy will like that too

NICOLE: Mr. My-Favorite-Treat-Is-Salmon

SHANE: I mean…

CAITLIN: Oh, god, another one

SHANE: I have realized something

SELENA: Oh?

CAITLIN: What's that?

SHANE: For a small window of time I was (I can now admit to myself and never to Ilya) a little jealous of Ilya's friendship with Troy when he first got traded. They really clicked and Ilya came out Troy way before we were outed. And I was struggling with my own team accepting me and like… i realized, now having met Troy, it's because he is Ilya’s type

LISA: Oh, Shane…

SHANE: Ilya loves a boring, bummer of a man

CASSIE: SHANE 🤣

SELENA: Holy shit 💀

NICOLE: The call is coming from inside the house 💀

SHANE: It's true! You're gonna look at me and tell me that I'm wrong!?

LISA: Shane Hollander: Boring, Bummer, Big Fat Ass

SHANE: I'm going to block you 🤣

LISA: Nuh uh You love me 🤣🫵

CAITLIN: You're stuck with all of us 🤣🫵

CASSIE: Look at you, you stupid little friend haver 🤣🫵

SELENA: Oh no, I'm Shane Hollander and I am the best player in the NHL, and I have the best girlfriends in the world, and my fiance looks like THAT 🤣🫵

NICOLE: One of us, one of us 🤣🫵

SHANE: I love you guys ❤️