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He isn’t quite sure when the ripples turned into waves, dragging him under the surface. When his thoughts start to become louder or when he feels himself leaving his body. At first he tries to fight it, to keep his head above the water. But eventually his arms get tired, he gets tired of fighting and he lets the water swallow him whole. He knows that he should fight against the burning of his lungs, he just can’t bring himself to care.
Somewhere in the distance, he hears his alarm blaring. He knows that he should sit up and turn it off. Stuff these feelings back down where they belong, put a smile on his face, and go to work like he always does. Gravity just seems to drag him down. He isn’t sure how much time passes before he feels himself sitting up. Everything feels far away, like he’s watching his life happen to someone else.
Mechanically, he goes through his morning routine. Each step takes energy that he already doesn’t have. Somehow he ends up at the station, only a couple minutes late. He’s sure that if he was any more present in his body, he would see the weird looks from the rest of his crew.
Because Buck is late. And Buck is never late.
The lull of conversation is a nice hum in his ear, nothing making its way through the fog in his head. He knows that he should say something – anything really – but the words get lost before they reach his tongue. He makes his way to the kitchen and begs for the fog to leave. If he really focuses, he can see through the haze.
He sees Bobby standing over the stove, making breakfast for the rest of the team. Hen and Chimney have followed him upstairs, hanging behind slightly like they’re trying to pick him apart. Ravi is there too, he notes, downing a cup of coffee. His eyes lazily track over the rest of the loft, searching. He feels some of the tension leave his body when he finds what he’s looking for.
Eddie.
Eddie who has a soft smile on his face, like he always does when looking at Buck. Eddie who, even without meaning to, helps bring Buck back to his body. Eddie’s lips are moving but Buck still can’t hear the words leaving them. The gravity that had been pulling Buck down for what felt like months seemed to change direction whenever Eddie was involved.
After mindlessly grabbing a cup of coffee of his own, Buck takes his usual seat next to Eddie. The rest of the team files into place seamlessly. He feels Eddie nudge his shoulder, pulling his attention towards the man next to him. When their eyes meet, Buck sees the unasked questions that fill them: The one asking why he was late today and if he was okay? Buck just smiles in response, he can tell that it doesn’t meet his eyes. Luckily, Eddie saves him from asking about it in front of everyone else.
He knows Buck better than to do that.
Buck thinks that Eddie knows him better than he knows himself sometimes. He knows when Buck needs company after a particularly tough call, offering up an invite for dinner without a second thought. He knows when to push and when to let Buck go to him on his own time. He knows Buck like he knows how to breathe, like it’s second nature to him. Sometimes Buck is grateful for it, to be known so deeply. Other times, he wishes Eddie would just let him sink into the ocean of his thoughts without trying to throw him a liferaft.
He’s sinking fast and he knows that Eddie can see it.
He knows that Eddie will try and find him later, away from everyone else, so Buck does everything he can to not have a moment alone.
Thankfully, calls seem to be coming in nonstop. The second they get back from one, the alarm is ringing again, sending them back out into the world for another. Each call gets worse and worse and Buck can’t help the way that his performance decreases with each one. He feels the way Eddie’s eyes stay on him after each small misstep.
The last call is particularly hard. Calls like it always are, when children are involved. Buck saw himself in this one. A young boy, body covered in bruises, trembling in the corner of his room and hunched in on himself like he was trying to take up less space. When they had entered, his parents had been spewing the same sort of nonsense that was way too familiar to him. That it was his fault. If only you saw how he was acting before you came in. Buck paid no mind to them, kneeling down next to the small boy, speaking soft reassurances into the air. Hoping that he would believe them like Buck always wished he could’ve.
As soon as they’re back in the truck, Buck feels himself start to slip faster. The storm brewing over the ocean seemed to pick up, darkness filling him. He feels Eddie press his leg against his own. An attempt to help ground Buck, remind him that he wasn’t alone.
He knew that, he really did. But sometimes the past would sneak up from behind him and capture him from those he loved, pulling him away kicking and screaming. It would keep him locked in the childhood bedroom that he hadn’t returned to in many years. It perpetuated the lies he has spent years unlearning. Suddenly he was stuck.
They arrive back at the firehouse after the call to be greeted by the end of their shift. Buck is grateful for that, unsure of how many more calls he could take before he fell apart in front of everyone. While changing, he feels someone walk in behind him. He knows it’s Eddie. He always knows when it’s Eddie. When a call like that left Buck seeming off, Eddie was always hesitant to let him out of his sight. Knowing that he would rather lock himself away until the storm was over rather than fight through the storm with someone by his side.
“Chris has been asking for you to come over,” Eddie says, trying to make it sound casual. “He said that he wants to show you his history project. We could pick up some food on the way there. What do you say?”
“Ah, sorry Eds. Maybe another time. I’m pretty wiped from today.” It’s not a total lie but he still can’t help feeling bad.
“Do you want me to come over to your place instead?” Buck should’ve known better. Eddie wasn’t about to give up easily. “I think Pepa could take Chris for the night. We can just order in and watch a movie or something.”
Buck is grateful for Eddie, truly he is, but he wishes Eddie would just give up. Let Buck finally sink to the bottom. He feels himself almost at that point. If he was reaching his hand up for help, it would barely be breaking the surface. But he isn’t. His hand is down by his side, trying to steady him as he falls lower.
He realizes after too many beats have passed that he was supposed to respond to Eddie. Sure enough, he looks over and sees the concern in Eddie’s eyes has only grown since this morning.
“Maybe tomorrow?” He suggests, knowing that all he is doing is buying himself some time to come up with a better excuse.
Eddie looks like he wants to argue, but eventually he just sighs. “I’ll hold you to it.”
Silence falls between the pair, an uncommon occurrence that Buck is loosely aware of. He knows he should fill the silence but he can’t find it in himself to care. The fog settles closer to the water now, blurring everything around him. He feels himself floating away from his body as he watches it finish getting changed and leaving the station. He knows that he should be more scared that he isn’t the one in control but the floaty feeling in his head is too nice.
— — —
Eddie knows that something is going on with Buck. He’s known from the second he laid eyes on Buck that morning. He couldn’t help but pay closer attention to him throughout the day. He notices how each of Buck’s movements feel robotic or how he seems to be somewhere else in his head. The calls that they had that day didn’t seem to help either.
Then there was the call with the boy. Whenever there’s a kid, Eddie thinks extra of the one that he has waiting for him at home. How he wishes nothing he sees ever happens to his own. But this one was enough to break his heart. The boy was no older than nine years old but he looked so small Eddie wasn’t sure how old he was.
Buck had practically jumped into action with Eddie following closely behind. While Bobby and Chimney dealt with the parents, getting their side of the story about what had happened, Eddie and Buck found their way over to the kid.
“Hey buddy,” Buck’s voice was uncharacteristically soft as he crouched down. “I’m Buck. We’re going to get you out of here, okay?”
“No!” the kid screamed as he lashed out of Buck’s hand. “Nothing happened. It’s my fault. I won’t do it again. Please.”
Eddie’s step faltered at the child’s words but Buck seemed to take it in stride, sitting down next to the kid so that their shoulders were practically touching. Eddie couldn’t help but notice how Buck also seemed to make himself smaller. He decides that it’s best to pocket that conversation for later.
“Want to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing.” Buck just waits. “I just broke a lamp. My mom told me not to touch it. I was messing around and I hit the table. I’m always messing things up.”
“It was an accident.” Buck’s words are firm. “They happen. None of that was your fault, okay? Even then, they can’t treat you like this.”
“I just ruin everything for them. I know I make it hard for them but I wish they loved me.”
Eddie notices the way Buck’s breath catches in his throat before he is finally able to speak again. “You don’t have to earn love. Being you is enough and someone will see that. My friend over there is going to check your injuries, okay?”
Buck points and the kid follows his finger until his eyes land on Hen. He gives a subtle, uncertain nod.
“Then,” Buck continues. “My other friend is going to want to talk to you and you can tell her what you told me or anything else you want to. She’s going to make sure that you’re somewhere safe and she won’t leave your side until she does.”
After that, Buck slowly rose from where he was seated, helping the kid up afterwards. Eddie notices how he never lets himself get too far from the kid until they’re finally able to leave the scene.
Upon arriving back at the station, it is the end of their shift and Eddie thanks any god that might be out there. He doesn’t think Buck could handle another call after the last and truth is, he just wants to take Buck home and protect him from the rest of the world.
Buck, on the other hand, makes that harder than anticipated. Eddie had come in blazing, using the Chris card that Buck can hardly ever say no to. He’s quickly shot down by Buck telling him that they can hang a different day. He finally relents, knowing that too much pushing was sometimes the worst thing you could do with Buck. So he just watches as his best friend leaves the station, a sinking feeling in his stomach growing with each step that Buck takes away from him.
He wants to run after Buck and drag him into his car. Drag him home and get to the bottom of whatever is going on with him. Instead of that, he sends a quick text.
To Buck: Hey, let me know when you make it home. I know we had a rough shift today and I’m here if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
He sends it without much of a second thought.
— — —
Buck is aware that someone is knocking on his door. He is also aware that he should get up and answer the door. He just can’t find it in himself to get up. He wasn’t sure when he had gotten home but he does know that at some point he had found comfort in staring at the wall.
He thinks the knocking has stopped. He really isn’t sure. It could’ve just gotten lost between the howling of the wind and the thunder of the storm happening inside of his head. It hasn’t settled any, only growing in intensity with every moment that passes.
Somewhere, far from wherever Buck has settled, he hears someone calling out to him. He tries to grab onto this life raft that he has been sent but it is just too far away. Distantly, he feels hands on his cheeks and brushing through his hair.
It’s nice he thinks to himself, to imagine that someone is helping him fight this storm.
But he knows that nobody is going to save him.
He lets himself float in the comfort of the imaginary hands. He likes the fake comfort they’re bringing him, he thinks. They don’t fade away at all and become more firm as he climbs back into himself.
They still feel real.
“-uck, hey can you hear me?” The voice cuts through the remaining fog, a familiar one. “Baby, hey, are you back with me?”
He feels himself nodding.
“Good, you did so good.”
It’s then that he notices the warmth radiating near him, a warmth that only another person could provide. He feels himself shooting up from wherever he had been laying. His eyes frantically look around the room until they land on the person who had been sitting next to him.
Eddie.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice is rough from the lack of use.
“Came to see if you were okay,” he responds with a shrug of his shoulders. “You’ve been off all day and I really didn’t want to leave you alone.”
His admission is soft, as if he’s scared he’ll break the bubble they’re in. Buck chooses to stay quiet.
“I hope you know that I’m always here for you.” He pauses for a moment. “Where did you go, I mean, in your head.”
“Just not…here.” Buck answers, refusing to look at Eddie. “Just felt like I was floating above everything.”
He can feel Eddie nodding along as he talks.
“What can I do for you?” Eddie asks. “How can I help you?”
“I’m just so tired, Eddie.” Buck admits. “I feel like I’m sinking and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
“Let me help.” Eddie insists. “You don’t have to do this alone, baby.”
“It’s really not worth your time, Eddie. You have Chris and you should be home with him and not here with me.”
“Buck,” Eddie gently grabs his chin, forcing Buck to finally look at him. “You are my family. Just as much as Chris is. I want to help you because I cannot imagine a world without you. I need you, Buck. Please stay with me.”
For the first time since the storm had started, the waves seem to get smaller. His kicking is bringing him closer to the surface than it had before. The storm was almost over.
“Let me take care of you until you can take care of yourself again.”
“Eds, I appreciate it. I really do. But there’s no way I can burden you like this.”
Before he can process it, Eddie’s arms are wrapping around him, pulling Buck into a hug. He can;t help the way he melts into the touch.
He feels his fingers grasp the life raft. He starts pulling himself up onto it, when someone else grabs his hand and swiftly pulls him up. His body can finally stop fighting as he feels his back rest against the solid wood of the raft. He lets his eyes fall shut as the tension seeps out of his body.
When he finally comes back to, it’s significantly darker outside than he remembers. His bed is cold and empty.
Ah, so that must’ve been a dream he concludes. He knew that it was too good to be true but he couldn’t help the part of his heart that broke at the realization. Sighing, he drags himself out of bed and into the kitchen.
He is startled when he realizes that he isn’t alone in his house. Eddie has made himself at home, cooking up something in Buck’s kitchen.
He just stares at the sight in front of him as a small smile creeps over his face. This is definitely something that he could get used to.
“Oh, hey, you’re awake.” Eddie says with a matching smile on his face when he notches Buck standing on the outskirts of the kitchen. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” he admits truthfully.
“Good.” Eddie replies with a nod. “Food should be ready shortly and you’re eating some. I know that you didn’t eat much while on shift today.”
Of course he noticed.
“Uh, Eddie?” Buck looks down at his hands which are fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Were you here earlier? Before I fell asleep?”
Eddie nods as he closes the distance between the two of them, his arms finding their way around Buck again. “Yeah, I was. You were pretty out of it, though.”
“Thank you.” Buck mumbles quietly.
“For what?”
“Thank you for staying.”
“Oh, Buck. I will always be here when you need me.”
Always, he promises to himself.