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[Smooth music and the sound of a drink being made plays as the Dirty Laundry logo buzzes to light in the intro animation.]
[It then cuts to a camera angle of Lily Du, the host, sitting in a chair with a couch either side facing each other. On the couches sit four different Ottawa Centaurs players: on one side Luca Haas and Eric Young, on the other side Sebastian LaPointe and Joey Holmberg. Lily is wearing an immaculate tight red dress with a high thigh slit and a pair of strappy black heels, her makeup is a mix of reds and blacks and her black and pink hair is pulled up into a neat bun.]
Lily Du
There are some secrets we take to our grave and some we plaster online for laughs. This is "Dirty Laundry," the show that asks, how well do you really know someone? Today I am joined by an south German coldblood horse, Luca Haas,
[Cut to Luca awkwardly waving at the camera. He's wearing a fashionable pair of black corduroy pants and a light-blue loose sweater as well as a pair of round black-frame glasses. His fluffy blond hair falls in front of his glasses slightly. He has pale skin and bright blue eyes.]
An American quarter horse, Eric Young,
[Cut to Young who does a two-finger salute. He is wearing a wide-leg pair of blue jeans and a tight white button up shirt with the top two buttons undone. He has medium-brown long hair that is pulled back into a bun. He has lightly tanned with hazel eyes and a hint of a tattoo peeking out from his shirt.]
A Friesian horse, Sebastian LaPointe,
[Cut to LaPointe who nods at the camera. He is wearing a pair of black jeans and a loose-fitting lightweight black linen shirt and has delicate silver jewellery on. He is a Black man with medium-dark skin and dark brown eyes with his black hair in neat cornrows.]
And a shire horse, Joey Holmberg,
[Cut to Holmberg who smiles widely. He's wearing a plain black t-shirt and tight-fitting black jeans with a leather bomber jacket over the top. He has medium-light warm skin and dark brown eyes. The sides of his hair are buzzed close while he has loose curls on top.]
Sebastian LaPointe
I’m going to have to google these horses during the break. [turns to Young] You’ve ever owned any of these ones?
Eric Young
We had mainly American paints, I had an appaloosa.
Sebastian LaPointe
God, you’re such a cowboy.
Eric Young
Hey! I only spent summers on the farm! I’m not a cowboy.
Joey Holmberg
You literally grew up [airquotes] “partially on a cattle farm” so I think you’re a cowboy.
Eric Young
Yeah, but I’m not a cowboy.
Sebastian LaPointe
You rode horses to be able to do farm chores, that is pretty cowboy to me.
Eric Young [turning to Haas]
Luca?
Luca Haas
Sorry Eric, you’re a cowboy.
[Young puts his head in his hands]
I also don’t know why that would upset you.
Eric Young
It's a stereotype!
Joey Holmberg
Which happens to be true in your case.
Lily Du
To get back on track: Here's how the game works. I have a stack of secrets about our guests. They have to guess who each secret belongs to, but if its their own they'll make accusations to throw people off their trail. And be warned, we might have thrown a secret or two about me or our bartender. Hey Grant, what are we drinking today?
[Cut to the bar camera angle where Grant O'Brien stands behind a bar. He's wearing a brightly patterned shirt which is akin to an arcade carpet and his usual bartending apron.]
Grant O'Brien
Lily, today we're drinking the sweet captain.
Lily Du
Here's how scoring works. You get one point for every secret you guess correctly, but if its your own and you fool everybody, you get three points.
[Cut to a shot zooming into the Dirty Laundry logo with music and someone singing the lyric "I swear I'll never lie to you".]
[Cut back to Lily Du who is now holding up a card with the Dirty Laundry logo on the back of it.]
Lily Du
First secret. Who drunk DM-ed a celebrity?
Sebastian LaPointe
Well, if athletes are counted as celebrities then this could be any one of us.
Eric Young
You have got to stop texting me while drunk.
Sebastian LaPointe
So are you saying it's me?
Eric Young
You literally said that it could be any one of us.
Luca Haas
Wait, what if it's not an athlete celebrity, what if it's like an actual celebrity.
Joey Holmberg
Hey! We're celebrities!
Luca Haas
Have you ever been recognised in public?
Joey Holmberg
No, but cap once was while I was with him.
Eric Young
Yeah but cap is famous-famous at this point.
Sebastian LaPointe
Wait, was it drunk texting or drunk DM-ing?
Lily Du
[checks card] DM-ing.
Sebastian LaPointe
Okay, could still be any of us
Eric Young
Who did you think it was?
Sebastian LaPointe
I mean didn't Haasy date that model for a bit?
Luca Haas
I don't see how that connects to this question.
Sebastian LaPointe
Way to incriminate yourself there. Can I put my vote in early? I think it's Haasy.
Luca Haas
Hey!
Lily Du
Okay, final guesses. Who drunk DM-ed a celebrity? Let's start with Luca.
Luca Haas [crossing his arms]
I think it was Pointy.
Lily Du
Sebastian?
Sebastian LaPointe [glaring at Haas]
I think it was Haasy.
Lily Du
Eric?
Eric Young
I'm not sure… I think I would have to say Bergy.
Joey Holmberg
Hey! I think it was Haas.
Lily Du
Okay, who drunk DM-ed a celebrity? Will the person please take a drink?
[Dramatic music plays as all of the players watch each other intensely waiting for someone to take a drink. LaPointe leans forward and grabs his drink but puts it back down, much to Haas' annoyance. Holmberg leans forward and grabs his glass, taking a drink from it as everyone exclaims.]
Lily Du
That is one point for Eric.
Sebastian LaPointe
Who was the celebrity? Was it an actually famous one?
Joey Holmberg [quietly as he hides his face partially behind his hand]
It was Robert Pattison.
Sebastian LaPointe
Did he ever respond?
Joey Holmberg [with great sadness]
No.
Lily Du
Next question. Who once flirted with the paramedics while bleeding out?
Eric Young [with great concern]
Who did what?
Lily Du
[checks card] Who flirted with the paramedics while bleeding out?
Eric Young [even more concerned]
How badly were they bleeding out?
Luca Haas
Either a lot to be brave enough to do that or barely anything and it's Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
Hey! Where's your evidence!
Joey Holmberg
You've met yourself, right?
Sebastian LaPointe
You too?!
Joey Holmberg
Who is both stupid enough to get stabbed and dumb enough to flirt with the paramedics?
Eric Young [disappointed]
While they're working too.
Lily Du
So, who once flirted with the paramedics while bleeding out? Eric?
Eric Young
It's Pointy
Joey Holmberg
It has to be Pointy, I love you bro but you are the only one of us who would do that.
Luca Haas
I'm voting for Pointy too, I'm sorry.
Sebastian LaPointe [after a long pause]
Am I allowed to vote for myself?
[all laugh]
Lily Du [while laughing]
No! The person who flirted with the paramedics, if you could take a sip of your drink.
Sebastian LaPointe [sadly]
Okay.
[LaPointe reaches out and takes a drink, the other players cheer.]
Lily Du
That is one point for everyone except Sebastian.
Sebastian LaPointe
I still don't know how you all knew it was me.
Eric Young
Dude, you have a scar on your side, you've shown us it.
Sebastian LaPointe
That could've come from anything!
Luca Haas
I once saw you flirt with a cop who was writing you a speeding ticket.
Sebastian LaPointe
And?
Luca Haas
He was a dude.
Sebastian LaPointe
He could've been gay, you don't know for sure that he was straight.
Luca Haas
He said he had a wife.
Sebastian LaPointe
Well okay, maybe it didn't work that time.
Eric Young
What do you mean "that time"?
Lily Du
Onto the next question: Who once hired an Etsy witch to cast a spell to make their favourite sports team win?
Luca Haas
Wait, did someone pay someone to cast a spell so we could stop losing all the time?
Joey Holmberg
I mean, the question said "favourite sports team" so maybe it's not a hockey team? What other sports do people follow?
Luca Haas
I mean I follow tennis, but that doesn't have teams.
Eric Young
It has doubles?
Luca Haas
Yeah but a pair is different to a team.
Joey Holmberg
Young, Pointy, what other sports do you guys follow?
Sebastian LaPointe
I mean I follow curling but only slightly? It's really just hockey and ice skating I follow.
Joey Holmberg
Young? You've been quiet this round.
Eric Young
Well, I just follow hockey, nothing else really.
Luca Haas
He's lying.
Eric Young [nervously]
You can't tell that.
Luca Haas
I've been living with you for like three years, I know when you're lying.
Lily Du
Let's do our guesses. Luca?
Luca Haas
Its Eric.
Sebastian LaPointe
Its Young, and its honestly rude he didn't pay the Etsy witch to unfuck our team.
Eric Young
Because we managed to unfuck our team ourselves! Also I'm voting Luca.
Joey Holmberg
Wait, what if Haas is just trying to throw us off his trail? I'm voting Haas.
Lily Du
Will the person who once hired an Etsy witch to cast a spell to make their favourite sports team win please take a sip of their drink.
[Dramatic music plays as Haas and Young stare at each other while Holmberg and LaPointe watch the two of them intensely. Haas leans forward for a half second making Holmberg gasp quietly, but Young quickly grabs his glass and takes a drink.]
Lily Du
That is one point to Luca and one point to Sebastian.
Luca Haas
It was for his favourite battle bots team.
Eric Young [hissed]
Luca!
Luca Haas
What? Did it not work?
Eric Young [despondently]
No, it didn't. They still lost.
Sebastian LaPointe
Hey, at least you can relate to that team.
Lily Du
Now; who got so scared playing video games that they punched someone in the face?
Joey Holmberg
Okay, so would have to happen before any of us joined the Centaurs, because I feel like we'd know if it happened after we all met each other.
Sebastian LaPointe
Well, Young plays a lot of video games so it could be him.
Eric Young
Yeah, but I don’t play a lot of horror games.
Sebastian LaPointe
You’ve played the Resident Evil games?
Eric Young
Yeah, but they’ve got more action elements than horror.
Joey Holmberg
They’re still horror games. You’re not winning this argument.
Eric Young
[sighs] No, I’m not.
Lily Du
Ready to vote? [people nod] Okay, Luca?
Luca Haas
Eric.
Eric Young
I’m telling you, it’s not me, it’s probably Pointy!
Sebastian LaPointe
It’s obviously Young!
Joey Holmberg
Yeah, it’s young.
Lily Du
Will the person who got so scared playing a video game that they punched someone in the face take a sip of their drink.
[everyone stares at each other with suspicion but no-one notices Haas move until he grabs his drink and sips from it]
Joey Holmberg [yelling]
Haas?!
Sebastian LaPointe [pointing aggressively]
Since when do you even play video games? You barely play Mario Kart with us!
Eric Young
When was this?
Luca Haas
It was when I was a kid, god it’s embarrassing. But I was playing one of those Five Nights at Freddy’s games and the jumpscare got me so bad I accidentally punched my sister in the face. [looks into the camera] Sophie, I’m sorry!
Eric Young
You’ve probably apologised enough to her by now.
Lily Du
And that’s three points to Luca for deceiving us all! And onto the next question; Who fled the country after a bad breakup?
Sebastian LaPointe
Well, it’s not me.
Luca Haas
It could’ve happened on the road, meet up with a long distance girlfriend at her city and it goes wrong.
Sebastian LaPointe
Yeah, but its still not me.
Joey Holmberg
[coughs] Liar says what?
Sebastian LaPointe
Huh?
Joey Holmberg
Rude.
Luca Haas
Well, I only dated one guy in Switzerland and it lasted like two months.
Eric Young
Still could’ve ended badly.
Luca Haas
We went on a total of about four dates.
Joey Holmberg
What about you Young? You’re my fellow American.
Eric Young
And I had one high school girlfriend who I am still friends with.
Joey Holmberg
Hey Haas, is he lying?
Luca Haas
I’m keeping my powers to myself, thank you.
[a mock outraged gasp from Holmberg]
Sebastian LaPointe
Bergy have you had any relationships that didn’t end badly?
Joey Holmberg
No, but I went on a dating ban for my last year before the NHL.
Lily Du
Time to get our votes in. Who fled the country after a bad break up? Eric?
Eric Young
I think its Bergy, you have the worst track record out of all of us.
Joey Holmberg
Rude, I think it’s you.
Sebastian LaPointe
I think it’s Bergy.
Luca Haas
I’m voting Eric.
Lily Du
Will our country and breakup fleeing culprit please take a sip of their drink?
[dramatic music plays as people watch between Young and Holmberg, waiting for either one to take a drink until Young deflates slightly and grabs his glass]
Joey Holmberg
I knew it!
Eric Young
Okay, fine. My second high school girlfriend ended badly right before I moved to Canada.
Luca Haas
How badly?
Eric Young
She left a dead bird on my doorstep.
Luca Haas [very loudly]
What?!
Eric Young
She even left a letter with it, it was weird.
Sebastian LaPointe
I see why you needed to flee the states now.
Lily Du
And that’s a point to Luca and a point to Joey.
Sebastian LaPointe
Goddamn, why is Haasy still winning?
Luca Haas
Because I know you guys.
Lily Du
Onto the next question; whose parents named them after a superhero?
Joey Holmberg
Hey Luca, any Swiss superheroes we don’t know about?
Luca Haas
None that I’m named after.
Sebastian LaPointe
That makes you sound guilty.
Eric Young
I can’t think of any superheroes with any of our names. What are you guy’s middle names?
Sebastian LaPointe
You give up yours first.
Eric Young
It’s Charles, after my grandfather.
Joey Holmberg
Or after Professor X maybe?
Luca Haas
Are we allowed to phone a friend?
Lily Du
Not how this game works.
Sebastian LaPointe
Damn, I feel like I should’ve paid more attention to Hazy talking about superheroes now.
Joey Holmberg
Aren’t there like a lot of French comics?
Sebastian LaPointe [squinting at Holmberg]
What’s that supposed to mean?
Joey Holmberg [shrugging]
It means what you want it to mean.
Lily Du
Lets get our guesses in, Joey?
Joey Holmberg
Tough one, I think I’m gonna go for Young.
Eric Young
I think its Luca, there are so many potential Swiss superheroes we don’t know about.
Luca Haas
Okay then I’m going for you Mr Eric Charles Young.
Sebastian LaPointe
Hm, I think I’m going to agree with Young, I’m going for Haasy.
Lily Du
Will our superhero namesake please take a sip of their drink.
[before anyone is able to stare suspiciously, Holmberg leans in and takes a drink]
Joey Holmberg
Three points, baby!
Sebastian LaPointe
What superhero is named Joey?
Joey Holmberg
Well, technically I wasn’t always named Joey.
Sebastian LaPointe [surprised]
What? And you didn’t tell me? Your roommate and best friend?
Eric Young
Careful Pointy, starting to sound co-dependent there.
Sebastian LaPointe
As if you and Haasy aren’t. [turning back to Holmberg] What is the secret lore you have kept from me?
Joey Holmberg
So my dad is a big superhero fan— not as big as Wyatt mind you, but big fan nonetheless —and he is an especially big fan of Superman. But my mum hates the name Clark and it’s not like Kara works as a boy’s name so he decided to name me Joey. Well technically he named me Jor-El because my mum was high on painkillers after giving birth and he filled out the birth certificate himself.
Sebastian LaPointe [bewildered]
Your birth name was Jor-El? s
Joey Holmberg
It only lasted about a month before my mum submitted the right forms to change it to Joey, but yeah, for a month there I was named Jor-El.
Luca Haas
Did he expect to get away with it?
Joey Holmberg
I have no clue, they both refuse to talk about it, I think it almost broke their marriage for a bit there.
Lily Du
Okay, next question: Who came out as gay to break up with a high school girlfriend?
Eric Young [to Haas]
Did you have a girlfriend?
Luca Haas
Not really, I kissed a girl once when I was like eleven and that was it.
Joey Holmberg
Young, what about you? Was that what made the crazy ex crazy?
Eric Young
I didn’t lie to her about being gay, I broke up with her cause she threatened to stab my dog. There was a lot of yelling involved in that break up.
Joey Holmberg [very loudly]
Oh what the fuck!
Eric Young
Yeah she was, not okay like at all.
Sebastian LaPointe
Wow and I think Bergy attracted the crazies.
Joey Holmberg
I don’t!
Sebastian LaPointe
A girl once stole your toothbrush to sell on eBay.
Joey Holmberg
That was one time!
Lily Du
Alright, time to vote. So who came out as gay to break up with a high school girlfriend?
Sebastian LaPointe
I think it was Haasy, I think he’s embarrassed about it.
Joey Holmberg
Yeah, you’re right, I’m going for Haas too.
Luca Haas
I think it was Bergy, I can see someone believing you were gay if you told them.
Joey Holmberg
What the hell does that mean?
Eric Young
I think it’s Pointy.
Lily Du
Now, will the person who came out as gay to break up with a high school girlfriend please take a sip of their drink?
[grumbling LaPointe leans forward to grab his drink]
Sebastian LaPointe
I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you! [he points his straw threateningly at Young]
Lily Du
And that’s a point to Eric!
Luca Haas
Wait, aren’t you straight?
Sebastian LaPointe
Yeah, I am.
Luca Haas
Then why’d you come out as gay?
Sebastian LaPointe
I panicked.
Eric Young
There was also that time he made the public think he was coming out.
Sebastian LaPointe
You make one misworded tweet and suddenly everyone thinks you’re coming out.
Luca Haas
You said you had first-hand knowledge that I was good in bed.
Sebastian LaPointe
I meant through overhearing things! Also that dude was so rude about you for no reason, I had to stand up for you.
Luca Haas
You could’ve done it in any other way.
Eric Young
But that dude was rude about you, he rated you a 6/10.
Joey Holmberg
Rating anyone like that just feels wrong.
Lily Du
New question time: Whose childhood celebrity crush found their secret social media account?
Joey Holmberg
Haas had a crush on cap!
Luca Haas [blushing]
No, I didn’t!
Sebastian LaPointe
Yeah you did, c’mon Young back us up on this!
Luca Haas [attempting to become one with the sofa, with his hands over his face]
Nooooooo!
Eric Young
I’m sorry Luca, but you totally did.
Luca Haas
Its your fault if I die of embarrassment.
Joey Holmberg
I am pretty sure he already knew about it. We’re all voting Haas right?
Sebastian LaPointe
Of course!
Eric Young
Sorry Luca, but I’m voting you.
Luca Haas [almost lying completely flat]
I hate you.
Eric Young [patting Luca’s knee]
No you don’t.
Lily Du
Now if the… mysterious person would take a sip of their drink.
Luca Haas [sitting back up]
I hate all of you.
[he reaches out and downs what is left of his drink which is met by cheering from the rest of the players]
Lily Du
And that is a point for everyone, except Luca.
Sebastian LaPointe
I’ve got two points!
Joey Holmberg
Hell yeah, and I’ve got six.
Sebastian LaPointe [miming throwing tomatoes]
Boo, stop bragging, boo!
Lily Du
Onto the next question! Who lost a tooth the first time they had sex?
Sebastian LaPointe
How many teeth are people missing, Young?
Eric Young
I’m missing three, two from hockey, one from a mad dentist.
Joey Holmberg
What is a mad dentist?
Eric Young
Exactly what it sounds like.
Luca Haas [proudly]
I’ve still got all of mine.
Sebastian LaPointe [miming throwing tomatoes]
Boo! No bragging allowed!
Luca Haas
How many do you have?
Sebastian LaPointe
I’ve lost one during hockey. Bergy?
Joey Holmberg
I think I’ve lost three?
Sebastian LaPointe
You think? How many concussions have you had?
Joey Holmberg
Only one bad one so far.
Sebastian LaPointe [leaning against Holmberg until he’s almost partially in his lap]
And you’re not allowed to get any more.
Luca Haas
I would stay stop flirting but Pointy is straight. So, uh, stop not-flirting.
Lily Du
Shall we get our votes in? Luca?
Luca Haas
I think it was Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
I think you’re lying to us, I think you lost a tooth during sex.
Luca Haas
Why wouldn’t I just say I lost it during hockey?
Eric Young
I think it was Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
[theatrical gasp] Not you too! [looking at Holmberg] Bergy… please… don’t betray me like this.
Joey Holmberg
I’m sorry, I think it’s you.
Lily Du
Will the person who lost a tooth the first time they had sex please take a sip of their drink?
[dramatic music plays as everyone stares at LaPointe in suspicion until Holmberg leans in and downs what’s left of his drink]
Sebastian LaPointe
Bergy! You lost a tooth during a sex and didn’t tell us!
Joey Holmberg
Because it’s embarrassing!
Eric Young
How did you even lose a tooth having sex?
Joey Holmberg [mumbling, barely audible]
I tripped on my pants.
Luca Haas [leaning in while smiling]
What was that?
Joey Holmberg [louder]
I tripped on my pants! It’s embarrassing!
Sebastian LaPointe
Well, I feel like that means you didn’t lose it during sex, just right after it.
Joey Holmberg [despondently]
Yay…
Lily Du
And onto the next question: Who once made out with a dude “just to be sure”?
Eric Young
What does “just to be sure” mean?
Sebastian LaPointe
It could be like double-checking that they are in fact gay, [stares at Haas] Luca?
Luca Haas
It did not take making out with a guy to know I was gay.
Joey Holmberg
Maybe it’s making out with a guy to check if you aren’t gay?
Eric Young
Oh, so it’s you or Pointy.
Joey Holmberg
I haven’t made out with any guys, so it’s Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
Didn’t you make out with that one guy when we went to that Centaurs Night at that one gay club?
Joey Holmberg
Wait, I don’t remember that?
[overlapping laughter and shouting]
Luca Haas
What do you mean you don’t remember that? You two were making out for like five minutes!
Joey Holmberg
I was very drunk that night.
Eric Young
Okay, if you don’t remember it does that mean it doesn’t count?
Luca Haas
Doesn’t count?
Eric Young
Like for this game? Can’t submit a secret if you don’t remember it.
Joey Holmberg
Okay, so are we ruling me out?
Eric Young
I don’t know.
Lily Du
Before we get too distracted, let’s vote. Sebastian?
Sebastian LaPointe
I think it was Bergy, I mean who else could it be at this point?
Joey Holmberg
You? You’re the one who keeps falsely coming out as gay.
Sebastian LaPointe
That happened once—
Haas and Young [flatly]
Twice.
Sebastian LaPointe
Okay, that happened twice.
Eric Young
I’m going for Bergy.
Luca Haas
It’s Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
[offended squawk]
Lily Du
Now, will our mystery boy-kisser take a sip of their drink?
[LaPointe and Holmberg stare each other down as both make small moves as if they are going to grab their glass, this goes on for a while until LaPointe sighs and grabs his drink]
Sebastian LaPointe
I hate all of you.
Joey Holmberg [placing his hands on his knee and resting his skin on them, smiling like an absolute dork]
No you don’t.
Lily Du
And that’s a point to both Joey and Luca.
Luca Haas [to Holmberg]
Wait, do you really not remember making out with that guy?
Joey Holmberg [shrugging]
I was very drunk that night, I don’t know what those places put in their cocktails but it was powerful.
Eric Young
They put alcohol in them mainly.
Joey Holmberg
Oh fuck you. [pauses, turns to Du] Wait, are we allowed to swear on this?
Lily Du [shrugging]
We don’t care about swearing, at least on the Dropout version of this episode, but you might want to check with your PR manager.
Joey Holmberg
Harris is chill.
Luca Haas
Harris isn’t our PR person.
Joey Holmberg
Wait, what?
Luca Haas
Harris does the social media, PR is Justine.
Joey Holmberg
Who is Justine?
Sebastian LaPointe
Oh, this makes so much sense.
Eric Young
Says the person who makes Justine’s job the hardest.
Sebastian LaPointe
Oh fuck off.
Lily Du
Before this devolves and someone has to make a call to Justine, let’s start the next question. [tosses previous card away] Who got a recommendation for a bondage website from a teammate?
Sebastian LaPointe
Okay, who is the freakiest of us?
Eric Young
Is it bondage that they’re doing to someone else or getting done to themselves?
Sebastian LaPointe
Good point. [turns to Luca] Well, everyone knows you’re a bottom, so is it you?
Luca Haas [blushing heavily and hiding his face in his hands]
How do you even know that?
Joey Holmberg
We’ve all lived with one at one point or another, and you are not quiet.
Sebastian LaPointe
Yeah, how else would’ve I known that you’re a 10/10 in bed.
Eric Young
Also who gave the recommendation?
Joey Holmberg
I bet it was [censored].
Eric Young
Really? He does not seem like the person to be into that.
Joey Holmberg
He’s a nerd. The kinkiest sex I’ve ever had was with this girl who invited me to her D&D game afterwards.
Sebastian LaPointe
Like immediately afterwards?
Joey Holmberg
Nah, it was the next morning.
Eric Young
But did you join the game?
Joey Holmberg
I’ve only made it to a couple one-shots— oh they’re like an entire mini-campaign of D&D in a single night. I would love to do more, but our schedules are hellish.
Sebastian LaPointe
Okay, so if nerds are inherently kinkier, you just admitted that you’ve played Dungeons & Dragons which is pretty nerdy if you ask me.
Eric Young
Yeah, you also said you had kinky sex with her, what level of kink are we talking about here?
Sebastian LaPointe [blushing]
I… uh… a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.
Luca Haas [finally emerging from behind his hands]
She pegged you, didn’t she?
Sebastian LaPointe [blushing even harder]
A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.
Joey Holmberg
Okay, [gestures to LaPointe] so Pointy’s been pegged at least once, [waves at Haas] Haas is a bottom.
Luca Haas [quietly]
Shut up…
Joey Holmberg [continuing as if he didn’t hear Haas]
[pointing at Young] And you’re a cowboy.
Eric Young
I am not a cowboy—
Haas, Holmberg, & LaPointe
Yes, you are.
Eric Young
Okay, even if I was a cowboy, how does that apply to this question.
Joey Holmberg
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Sebastian LaPointe
You also got lassos and shit like that.
Luca Haas
Perfect for bondage.
Eric Young
But I’m not a cowboy.
Joey Holmberg
What if your dream girl, the hottest girl— I’m talking like a Megan Fox level of hot— came up to you and told you she’d have sex with you, the best night of sex you will ever have, but on one condition.
Eric Young [hesitantly]
What condition?
Joey Holmberg
It’s cowboy sex. Would you do that? Remember we’re talking dream girl here.
Eric Young [shifting and blushing]
I mean… I guess?
Joey Holmberg
See! I’m voting Young!
[Young lets out a startled sound halfway between a bird squawk and gasp]
Lily Du
Well, if we’ve started voting, Luca?
Luca Haas
I’m voting Eric.
Eric Young
You too? [sighs] I’m voting Pointy.
Sebastian LaPointe
One: Rude. Two: This is tricky, I think maybe Haasy?
Lily Du
Now, will the person who got a bondage website recommendation from a teammate please take a sip of their drink?
[dramatic music plays as everyone stares at each other suspiciously waiting for someone to take the first move until Haas, blushing heavily, grabs his drink]
Lily Du
And that’s a point to Sebastian.
Sebastian LaPointe [to Young]
I told you, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.
Joey Holmberg
Does that only apply when there’s three cameras recording us?
Sebastian LaPointe
Maybe. [to Haas] Wait, was it really [censored]?
Luca Haas [bright red]
Yeah, it was.
Joey Holmberg
Was it a good website?
Luca Haas
Oh, it was great. Even had guides for how disabled people can do bondage safely.
Sebastian LaPointe
So you checked the website out?
Luca Haas
I was curious!
Sebastian LaPointe [stage whispered to Holmberg]
He’s totally done bondage.
Joey Holmberg [stage whispered]
Oh, definitely.
Luca Haas [somehow blushing even more]
I can hear both of you.
[a cut occurs and when it cuts back Haas is back to his normal pale skin tone]
Lily Du
Now, onto the next question! Who has spent two thousand dollars on close-up magic classes?
Joey Holmberg
Like, on purpose?
Sebastian LaPointe
How would you accidentally spend that much money on magic class?
Joey Holmberg
Could be a subscription that someone forgot to cancel. [turn to LaPointe] Hey, by the way did you ever get around to cancelling your HBO subscription?
Sebastian LaPointe
Point taken, and I will cancel my HBO when we get home.
Joey Holmberg
You’ll forget again.
Luca Haas
It could be like for a dare? Like a gag-gift?
Sebastian LaPointe
Who is rich enough to spend that money on a gag gift?
Joey Holmberg
Pointy, we’re rich.
Sebastian LaPointe
Oh right.
Eric Young
Did you forget you have money?
Sebastian LaPointe
[shrugging] Sometimes.
Luca Haas
Does it say anywhere that it was only one purchase?
Lily Du
[reading card closely] It says “classes” so it could go either way. But, it’s time to vote, Joey?
Joey Holmberg
I think it was Pointy, he’s the kind of idiot to spend too much money on something like this.
Lily Du
Sebastian?
Sebastian LaPointe
I think it was Haasy.
Luca Haas
Me?!
Sebastian LaPointe
You’ve got like a dozen sisters, one of them could be into magic and you’re the type of person to give someone stupidly expensive gifts they’d actually use.
Luca Haas
I have two sisters.
Sebastian LaPointe
You’re not debunking my point.
Luca Haas [scowling]
I’m voting for Pointy.
Eric Young
I’m voting Pointy too.
Lily Du
Now, will our magic-enthusiast please take a sip of their drink.
[dramatic music plays as LaPointe and Haas stare each other down while Holmberg flicks his attention between the two of them, no-one notices Young reach down and grab his glass until he finishes it off in a single drink]
Joey Holmberg
Young?!
Lily Du
And that is three points for Eric for fooling everyone.
Luca Haas
When did you have time to even do magic classes? Since when were you into magic?
Eric Young
I got to see a Penn and Teller show as a kid and I just fell in love with magic ever since, last summer I found this woman who teaches stage magic and slight of hand and stuff and I spent a while training with her.
Sebastian LaPointe
Going to use magic ton woo the ladies?
Eric Young
Not really? I mean, I’m doing it because I want to, not to impress people.
Joey Holmberg
Yeah, my therapist says it’s good to have hobbies outside of just hockey. Cause you could lose hockey in an instant, and then where would you be?
Luca Haas
You go to therapy?
Joey Holmberg
Yeah? Wait, do you guys not?
Luca Haas
I haven’t needed to?
Eric Young
I probably should.
Sebastian LaPointe
I mean I see a physical therapist sometimes?
Joey Holmberg
Not the same thing.
Lily Du
We’re onto the last question! Okay, so who walked in on Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov having sex?
[a silence falls as the players all watch each other intently, waiting for someone to make the first move]
Lily Du [laughing lightly]
The game can’t work if you just stare at each other.
[no-one moves to say anything, they all just continue to watch each other]
Lily Du
Wait, [pause] did all of you submit this secret? How often are your captain and his husband having sex where people can find them?
Eric Young
Way too often.
Joey Holmberg
Young broke first, I’m voting Young!
[Young makes an offended squawk]
Luca Haas
I’m voting for Bergy then!
Sebastian LaPointe
Oh I see where this is going, I’m voting Haasy!
Eric Young
[sighs] I’m voting for Pointy then I guess.
Lily Du
Okay, will the person— or persons— who walked in on Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov having sex please take a sip of your drink.
[all of the players each forward for their drinks]
Lily Du [screeching]
All of you?! [screeching laughter]
Sebastian LaPointe
I had left something in my hotel room and when I went up to get it I found them having sex in my room.
Joey Holmberg
Wait in your room? [short pause] Wait, was this that time you came and crashed in my bed for the night?
Sebastian LaPointe
Yeah, and I would’ve had a room to myself that night.
Joey Holmberg
I walked in on them fucking in a storage cupboard at the training facility.
Luca Haas
Which one?
Joey Holmberg
The tiny one. The one I barely fit in.
Sebastian LaPointe
How the hell did they fit in there? There is not enough room to fuck in there.
Eric Young
Back when I was living in the shitty apartment and I was shipping everything to cap’s place I went over to pick up a package and saw them.
Luca Haas
Wait, you moved out of there way before they came out.
Eric Young
I’m good at keeping secrets, they also uh… were a bit distracted and didn’t notice me.
Sebastian LaPointe
So you knew before any of the rest of us?
Eric Young
I mean, I think Barrett and Hazy knew, or at least suspected. [turns to Haas] And I mean Luca’s suspected since he was thirteen.
Luca Haas [hissed while swatting at Young’s arm]
I thought you were good at keeping secrets!
Joey Holmberg
How did you even know?
Luca Haas [slowly and cautiously]
I didn’t know, I just thought maybe… there, uh, there’s this group of people on the internet who, uh, they…
Eric Young
He’s talking about the shippers on Tumblr.
Joey Holmberg
The what?
Sebastian LaPointe
I thought Tumblr died?
Luca Haas [holding a pillow in front of his face]
I am going to die.
Eric Young
[pats Haas’ knee] No, you aren’t. [turns to Holmberg and LaPointe] Okay, so Tumblr isn’t dead and there are a lot of people on there who are into hockey.
Joey Holmberg
Really?
Eric Young
Well, they’re into it partially because they write fanfiction and make fanart of different hockey players being in gay relationships.
Joey Holmberg [cackling]
What?!
Sebastian LaPointe
[garbled exclamation of random sounds]
Eric Young
Yeah, and there are some people within these spaces who will dissect anything that they think shows evidence of their ships being real.
Joey Holmberg
And Haas was one of these people?
Luca Haas [with the pillow still in front of his face]
Not necessarily! I just was in the same spaces as them!
Eric Young
But yeah, one of the most popular ships in hockey was actually Rozanov and Hollander.
Sebastian LaPointe
And they ended up being right. Well, goddamn.
Joey Holmberg
Wait, we got distracted, [turns to Haas] when did you walk in on cap and Hollzy fucking?
Luca Haas [slowly emerging from behind the pillow]
It’s been three times actually.
LaPointe and Holmberg [yelled]
Three times?!
Luca Haas
First time was during their wedding—
Sebastian LaPointe
They snuck off during their own wedding to go fuck?
Joey Holmberg
I mean, can you blame them? They spent so long not getting to be in a relationship in the public and then they’re getting married and are surrounded by so many people who love them. [pause] Also both of them were hot as fuck that day.
Sebastian LaPointe [quietly]
Bergy?
Luca Haas
Second time was during a road trip, Rozy had given me his keycard cause I had to pick up something from his room.
Eric Young
When was the third time?
Luca Haas
Like two weeks ago at Hazy’s last board game night.
Sebastian LaPointe [startled]
In Hazy’s house?!
Luca Haas
Yeah, I don’t think that’s the only time they’ve done that.
Joey Holmberg
They were practically threatening to kill each other that night.
Eric Young
Yeah, to be honest, I think that is what they’re into.
Joey Holmberg
Wait, so were all their games against each other while they were dating foreplay? [scrunches nose] That feels weird.
Lily Du
Since everyone was the correct answer this round, nobody gets any points.
Sebastian LaPointe [playfully]
Boo! I want a fourth point!
Lily Du
And on that note, it’s closing time! Let’s recap our final scores! We have Sebastian with three points,
[the shot cuts to LaPointe who waves at the camera]
Luca and Eric tied with seven points each,
[the shot cuts to Haas and Young who are sitting next to each other on the couch as they shove each other playfully]
And finally, Joey with nine points!
[the short cuts to Holmberg who looks startled as LaPointe slaps him on the back]
Sebastian LaPointe
Hell yeah nine points! That’s my roommate!
Eric Young [fondly]
God, you two are weird.
[LaPointe stares back at him with an eyebrow raised as he gestures between Young and Haas]
Lily Du
Grant, tell him what he’s won!
Grant O’Brien
Lily, Joey is getting his very own Dirty Laundry apron!
[the shot cuts to one of a black apron with the Dirty Laundry logo embroidered on it]
Sebastian LaPointe
Wait, there was a prize? [looking around at the others] Did you guys know this?
Luca Haas
It was mentioned.
Joey Holmberg
Maybe this apron will finally be the thing that makes me learn how to cook.
Eric Young
The apron is not magic. I think you can still burn ramen even with the apron.
Luca Haas
He burnt ramen?
Sebastian LaPointe
It was pretty impressive, if you ignore the dead pot and fire alarm going off for the whole apartment.
Lily Du
All right, that’s it for Dirty Laundry. I’ve been your host, Lily Du, and here’s hoping you become a regular!
[the theme music plays over an outro of shorts of various bartending supplies and citrus fruits as the credits come up on screen]