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Ilya was always chasing a high. Whether that be the rush from a crowd of people cheering or booing him, driving fancy cars way above the speed limit, sex, taking shot after shot at parties, the rare joint, and well, cigarettes.
But when Ilya fell in love things changed. He no longer sought out these highs, he felt high everyday just being around Shane. He gets a better high kissing the love of his life more than any of his old vices. He'd much rather spend the night watching a movie with Shane than going out and getting hammered with his teammates now. He gave it all up with no regrets, but still he has that itching feeling, the constant need for a cigarette.
Ilya started smoking way too young, he knew this. Before, he would smoke occasionally with the older boys at hockey camp to try to fit in, he liked it but not enough to smoke regularly. But when his mom died things changed. The five minutes of numbness and the physical sensation became a comfort during those times, really his only coping mechanism. His coaches knew, his father knew, but as long as he played well that’s all that mattered, even if he was only twelve.
A cigarette then became a before practice ritual, an after practice ritual, an after game ritual, an after sex ritual, a stress ritual, a walking ritual, ect ect.
Ilya had no desire to quit because he didn’t have a reason to. The little bit of dopamine he got from a cigarette helped, especially during his bad days.
Now 15 years later he was happier than ever, finally being treated for his depression, and yet, he still needed cigarettes. Sometimes Ilya would cough and he’d get nervous. A deep gravely rumbling that would take a few coughs to get out. Shane noticed one day and got mad at him for still smoking at his age, but he really couldn't help it.
Ilya realized this when he first tried to quit when he was signed to Boston. He quit cold turkey. The first day was fine, mentally he wanted that after practice cig, but he could push through the mental urge. But then the physical symptoms came that night. After years of smoking he didn’t realize how extremely chemically addicted he was. Because that night he couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned the whole night in a cold sweat, he was more uncomfortable than he’d ever been in his life and angry. Ilya tried to push through, but after the next day's awful practice due to this lack of sleep and irritability, he immediately caved and bought a new pack afterwards.
Since that moment he told himself he would cut down, but not stop yet. He needed these obviously, he played better when he had a level head that only cigarettes could bring. They were his routine, his ritual. Plus, he couldn’t sacrifice his focus with withdrawal symptoms.
-
“Ugh Roz you sound like shit.” Wyatt said.
“Ugh just something caught in my throat.”
“Like hell there is! It’s all those cigs you smoke, I can’t believe you can still play it’s been fucking years right?”
“Ya ya I know…” Ilya trailed off.
“Why haven't you tried a vape?”
“A what?”
“A vape, they’re apparently better for your lungs.”
“Hmm”
When Ilya went to the gas station to buy his next pack he paused and looked at the e-cigarettes.
“Are these better for you?”
“Ya totally, much easier on the lungs, none of that tar and shit.” the cashier said.
“I'll take that one.”
Ilya liked his Vuse a lot, his breathing did feel easier. He didn’t know how many hits equated a cigarette though, but it was ok this was working fine. After a week of having it Ilya noticed he was using it more and more though. Taking it everywhere, hitting it right when he woke up in the morning…
A week went by and he was already done with two of the little pods. He put in another and got ready for his drive to Montreal.
Ilya didn’t know if he should tell Shane. He for the most part abstained around him when it came to cigarettes, mostly because Shane hated the smell (oh and the constant reminder that he’ll get lung cancer) but this didn’t smell, and was supposedly better! Well he’ll just have to see.
-
Shane and Ilya were cuddled on the couch that night watching the first X-squad film. It was one of those lucky times where they could spend two whole days together and had the chance for some quality time. Ilya had just gotten to Shane's house a few hours ago and for once they didn’t pounce on each other, just kissed in the hallway and made dinner together. Shane was cuddled up in Ilya's lap when he noticed a dim light coming from Ilya’s mouth.
“Ilya what is that?”
“Oh, um” Ilya
Shane sat up.
“Is that a fucking vape?”
“Shane, you know I’m trying to quit! Wyatt said this would help.”
“Ilya oh my god” Shane groaned, “Wyatt is fucking wrong, do you know how bad those are for you?”
“Yes yes I know smoking is bad but this is supposed to be better, helps you quit!”
“How long have you had that thing?”
“Like a week?”
“Ok good it hasn’t been too long” Shane snatched it out of his hand.
“What the fuck Hollander!”
“Don’t “Hollander” me, just ugh, I’ve already looked into this”
Shane paused the movie.
“What?”
“These are so much worse for you, I’ve uh, researched, into ways for helping people quit smoking… A lot of people think vaping is better but really it’s much much worse, especially here in Canada where you can’t smoke inside. With a vape you can smoke anywhere, which makes you more likely to use it. How many of the pods have you been through?”
“Like two? Not much.”
“Ilya, that’s equal to about 3 packs.”
“What…?”
“Ya, it's much worse because you can use it all the time and it keeps you addicted. Even if it’s ‘better for your lungs’ there's not enough research yet to prove that.”
“Fuck”
“Ok so we’re getting rid of this thing right fucking now. Are you serious about quitting?”
“Yes… I think so.”
“I’ve been looking into helping you quit for a while, but the big thing is YOU need to want to quit, not for me or anyone else, but for you.”
“I think I’m ready… I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time.”
“Ya I noticed you’ve been coughing more.” Shane frowned. “What’s been stopping you, did the patches not work?”
“No no they helped, I just missed the feeling, like on my lips? The breathing in is what I’m used to.”
“Ok so the oral fixation.”
“Yes, I guess so if that’s the word.”
“Ok actually you can keep this because I really don’t feel like you going into withdrawal this weekend, but you HAVE to use it outside.”
“Ugh ok.”
-
That night when Ilya was asleep next to him Shane began researching.
Most websites suggested gum or a water bottle with a straw to help with the oral fixation, but Shane knew that wasn’t enough for Ilya, it just wouldn’t be the same.
Instead he started researching vapes, mostly about the harmful effects of them, until he came across a forum talking about 0 nicotine vapes. They seem to have helped a lot of people quit! He clicked on the website that sold the e-liquid and saw that they sold some ranging in all different nicotine levels, going from 20 mg of nicotine to 0 mg. Most websites recommend starting with 15 mg if you’re planning on weaning off from being extremely addicted. So Shane had a plan that maybe could work, and hopefully not make it worse. Shane researched vape stores in his area and now had the most awful trip planned.
Shane snuck out of bed in the morning and prepared for the journey he was about to make. Fucking journey? He was just going to a vape store… but it felt like one.
Shane pulled up to the shop covered in flashing LED signs advertising things Shane had never even heard of.
The bell rang as he walked in and was instantly overwhelmed by the amount of stuff in there. Shelves of pipes with long tubes hung off of the cluttered walls, a case with colorful pipes in all shapes and sizes, and even a section with just candles to cover up smells… wow. He walked up to the definitely stoned cashier, even though it was only 8:00 am.
“Um, I’m looking for a refillable vape?” Shane said as confidently as he could (not at all).
“Ya dude which type are you looking for”
“Uh, any? Something similar to a cigarette, maybe a small opening?”
The cashier laughed, “Are you trying to quit?”
“No no not me!” Shane suddenly realized he could be recognized, but he doubted this guy paid any attention to hockey. “Um, it's for my… friend. This is kind of a gift for him wanting to quit. Do you sell e-liquid down to 0 mgs?”
The cashier laughed again, “Ya totally man, you’re a good friend, let me show you what we have. Ooh! I have an idea…”
-
Fuck smoking was expensive. Shane left the shop spending almost $200 on a refillable vape and 5 bottles of e-liquid ranging from 15 mgs all the way down to zero.
When Shane got home Ilya was standing in the kitchen shirtless making Shane’s morning protein shake.
Ilya approached him and kissed his neck. “Любовь моя did you even go on a run? You’re not sweaty at all.”
Shane laughed, “Ew Ilya you’re so gross! No, I went to the store.”
“Oh?”
Shane walked towards the counter.
“Ok you can’t laugh, but I bought you something.”
“A gift! Shane I could never laugh at a gift you bought me.”
Shane reached in the bag and put the vape on the counter.
“HAH!” Ilya barked out.
Shane made an unamused face.
“Haha I’m sorry I’m sorry but you bought me a fucking vape! YOU went into a smoke shop?!”
“Ugh don’t remind me, that was the weirdest experience of my life, who the fuck is high at 8:00 in the morning.”
Ilya laughed again.
“Soooo you got mad at me for vaping last night and then you buy me one, why?”
“Ok so I was doing some research”
“Oh my god vape research,” Ilya chuckled.
“Shut up this is to help you quit!”
Shane pulled out 5 small bottles of e-liquid from the bag.
“Look, this vape is refillable. You start with the 15 mg bottle and go lower and lower until you’re at zero.”
“Oh wow… you think this will help?”
“Hopefully, for someone who's been smoking as long as you this seemed like the best way.”
“Wait Shane, what the fuck are these flavors?”
Shane smirked, “The guy at the store was really cool. He recommended this as a way to help you stop. They get worse and worse as you go down.”
“My evil boyfriend really got me vanilla birthday cake flavored vape juice.”
“Hey but that’s when you’re down to 0 mgs! I got you tobacco to start, the closest thing you have to cigarettes for now.”
Ilya sighed, “Ok I’ll try this out, I hope this works and you’re not just torturing me for fun.”
Shane let out a small laugh, “Me too, but it only will if you stick with just this, no buying cigarettes or other vapes or any other nicotine products, turns out there’s a lot.”
“I won’t, for you.”
Shane kissed his boyfriend's cheek, “Now ok put this thing together, I can’t lie that I’m not curious.”
Ilya opened the box and read the directions. He picked up the bottle of 15 mg liquid and poured some in through the top and snapped it back on.
Ilya took a drag from his new vape, “Welp, this feels the same at least.”
Shane stared at Ilya.
“What? You want a hit?”
Shane laughed, “Shut up no, I just can’t believe you do that.”
“Hey now you’re not supposed to make me feel bad!”
“No, I'm proud of you! Even if it looks lame.” Shane laughed, “It doesn’t seem like it but this is a great first step. Oh, but you still can’t hit it inside when you’re around me.”
“Fuck you Hollander.”
-
Lily: You’re trying to kill me
Jane: What?
Lily: Raspberry tutti frutti??? Wtf is this
Jane: Oh lol I see you’re down to 10 mgs.
Jane: Damn it’s only been a week and a half.
Lily: Yes I know I’m very addicted
Lily: Now let's get back to your awful flavor choices
Jane: Hey the guy at the store suggested this method!
Jane: Is it gross?
Lily: Very
Lily: You’re right though, I’m not using it as much because it’s nasty
Jane: Lol I’m glad.
Two months pass and Ilya has gone through 10 mgs of raspberry tutti frutti, 5 mgs of pineapple coconut blast, 3 mgs of grape ice crush, and now on the worst one yet, 0 mgs of vanilla birthday cake.
But it’s definitely working, it used to take Ilya a week to go through a box and a half of cigarettes, and now it’s taken 2 weeks to go through a small bottle of e-liquid. Ilya experienced some withdrawal as he went down, but nothing other than some small cravings and some irritable moments.
-
Lily: I guess your plan worked
Lily: I’ve gone a week without vaping :)
Jane: That’s amazing!
Lily: Yes
Lily: It’s so fucking disgusting and it doesn’t even WORK
Lily: I’m in vanilla cake hell
Jane: Lol well it’s doing its job then. I’m so proud of you.
Lily: Thank you for this
Lily: Even if it’s torture
Lily: I love you
Jane: Love you too <3