gurdyrootinfusion



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    “You didn’t like it the last time we tried it,” Shane said.

    Ilya gave a one-shouldered shrug. “Was years ago. Maybe it is an acquired taste, like licorice.”

    “You also don’t like licorice,” Shane pointed out.

    “Yes, but I keep trying it because Luca likes it so much.”

    “And then you make a face and tell him how awful it is.”

    “When have I ever told you your dick is awful?” Ilya said, looking mildly offended. “I am its number one fan.”

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    13 May 2026

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    Lily: Well. There is very interesting studies I have read recently.

    Karolina: We’re listening!

    Lily: Research shows that abstinence can significantly improve athletic performance. Testosterone levels, energy conservation, mental focus. All better with sexual abstinence.

    Jackie: Wait, seriously?

    Lily: Oh yes, very serious research. Professional athletes should abstain completely during playoff runs. Some studies suggest 6-8 weeks for optimal results.

    Satu: SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS?!

    When “Lily” gets added to the Montreal Voyageurs WAGs group chat, she comes armed with peer-reviewed research, vibrators for everyone, and one revolutionary idea: a playoff sex ban for optimal athletic performance. The WAGs are convinced it’s evidence-backed science, the team is suffering, and Ilya is having the time of his life watching his handiwork unfold.

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    21 Apr 2026

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    Shane is twelve when he realizes he can understand Russian.

    Or, in a world where you can understand whatever language(s) your soulmate speaks, it takes Shane and Ilya an embarrassing amount of time to realize they’re soulmates.

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    27 Mar 2026

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    “What are these?” Yuna hears Ilya ask. He’s standing with his back to her in front of the armoire next to the couch, looking up at the shelves. She’d been on her way back into the living room with after-dinner coffee when she’d paused at the threshold.

    Shane steps toward the armoire, coming up behind Ilya and curling both arms around his waist. “Um, trophies from when I was a kid. Like, minor hockey leagues and tournaments and stuff.”

    Ilya moves his head from left to right slowly, scanning the array of trophies and medals on the shelf. “Is big business? Making meaningless awards for tiny hockey players?”

    “They aren’t meaningless,” Shane protests, but he sounds a little sheepish.

    “Yes, I’m sure the…” Ilya leans in close to read the plaque on one trophy, “‘Sportsmanship Award’ for the U7 Snowflake Classic was very prestigious.”

    Shane rolls his eyes, but he’s laughing. “They don’t have awards like this in Russia?”

    Or: Yuna bonds with Ilya, one plastic trophy at a time.

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    05 Mar 2026

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    It’s winter in Ottawa and Ilya has hunkered down in his big, empty mansion to weather a nasty flu. Then his phone buzzes.

    — Guardian™ Security Alert: Movement detected at front door
    — (1) Missed Call: Yuna Hollander

    Or: The Hollanders have a new son to take care of. Ilya has no idea what’s going on.

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    05 Mar 2026