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Everybody but Sunny naturally knew how to live and be human.
What was wrong with him?
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At the age of 12 his older sister Mari could already cook meals such as pasta by herself, buy food in the market near their house, do new things without relying much in her parents, make new friends and socialize well.
She was independent and mature at his eyes, in short terms.
He wasn't like her, he wasn't as good as her. Still, the boy was nine, it was undertandable.
That was until the years passed and nothing much changed.
Sunny was now 14.
He couldn't cook shit, the max he could make were simple meals, relying on the microowave.
He rarely left the house alone, going to the market and buying food was simply too much for him.
He was very dependent, in fact. He need the help of his sister or parents to do some simple stuff that 'normal' people didn't.
His social skills weren't the best, he did have friends, but making new ones and even socializing decently with the ones he had was hard.
He worried about every interaction while it seems to come naturaly to the others.
Everything seems to come naturally to the others.
He just couldnt undertand why he wasn't like the rest.
Envy consumed his heart.
Sunny felt like everybody was born with something he wasn't. They could do things he do worry about without even thinking, it was so normal for them. Sunny was like a robot trying to fit in with humans.
Was he talking too little? Did he made the right expression?
Did he used the right words? Was he rude?
Did he made the right action? Was he weird?
Are they being serious? Was there something implicit he should've understood?
Was he feeling the right emotion?
Rather, did he truly felt that emotion or was simply the one he should feel?
Did the others realize that he's weird or is he blending in nicely?
Was he spending too many time alone in his room? Should he leave more?
Do his friends actually enjoyed him or they felt pity and were just being nice?
...
Was Sunny nice?
Was Sunny a good person?
He felt souless every time he had to pretend having an emphaty that he didn't, acting like a good person would.
He had to pretend alot, hoping that one day it would all be natural and real.
That one day he'd wake up 'normal', like his parents, like his friends, like Mari. Like the stranges in the street, like the rest of the world.
What was wrong with him?
So many worries. So much sadness. So many things trapped in his mind that not even he could understand.
Was Sunny living the way he should?
Everyday, at night, he could stay in his bed thiking. A moment of melancholy for him and the noise of the fan.
His day could've been the best it could possibly been, he could be happy in that moment, but after that emotion of sadness, isolation and regret always came.
Sunny regreted every action. He didnt know how to be human.
Maybe everybody secrety felt like that as well.
He questioned whether he was living the life he wanted.
What personality did he wanted to have?
Who he wanted to be?
When would he truly feel great inside, without bad thoughs?
Was he doing the correct thing?
When would it all would come naturaly?
Did he want to live at all?
Sadness, questions, sadness, ignoration, sadness, pretending, more sadness and a new day, everyday.
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Months later he got the diagnosis, only because his parents noticed his sound sensibility that had gotten worse and that fact that avoiding eye contact made his mother sad, besides the isolation and the crying out of the blue that would happen time after time.
In short, he was autistic.
That made sense. That not only made sense but explained some things. Alot ot things, actually.
It explained, but didn't help. He still struggled.
I mean, he got some help at school and some of his actions that were seen as rude or weird were now more comprehensible to his parents.
But it wasn't enough, he still suffered, he still felt wrong inside.
Didn't help the fact that his mom, dad, and even Mari started sometimes treating him like he was 5.
It was good that they were now realizing that he had difficulties that neurotypical people didn't, really.
There was also the talk that he wasn't different from others because of autism and all, they even brought a book about it that was clearly being overpriced for him. He hated the book, but it was nice of them.
They were trying to help and he understood that, but he could help but feel like he was now even more wrong compared to the rest, that he was just causing more and more trouble.
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The time passed, Sunny was now 15 and he had actually gotten better at some things, maneging to talk to more people at school and was interacting more; he still couldn't go to the market alone.
The tics also came. They weren't a big problem, he just thought they made him look stupid sometimes.
His most recent one was sticking his tongue out and in like a lizard.
Sunny worried that he was acting ‘dumber’ than he would without the diagnosis because now he could justify it all on it, that he was just dramatic and didn't actually need all the help.
Was he now faking to get attention and at the same time blaming his insatisfection with life on it?
It wasn't the autism, was it? Sunny was just.... just wrong.
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Sunny had thought about dying multiple times
He believed suicide was one of most beautiful and pure things in the world, he was facinated by the idea of it.
What was more pure and free than choosing to end your own life?
It was something you couldn't fake, the most pure form of expression.
The power of choosing to deny living in such a disgusting and horrible world.
Denying what many believed was the gift of the gods and the most precious thing, life.
It could be seen as a coward, a noble, a miserable and a beautiful act.
He thought about it, Sunny whatsoever wasn't brave enough to commit it.
He feared the consequences of leaving the ones he loved lost and alone, didn't like the idea of making them sad nor in pain.
Sunny didn't like the pain as well.
If he ever killed himself, would be in a beautiful place, jumping off a cliff perhaps. It would hurt a lot and he wouldn't like it: having to endure the pain for the whole time while dying, questioning his existence and choices.
His mind was a mess. It wasn't easy. But Sunny lived, everyday, he lived.
All he ever truly wanted was to rip his skin apart, freeze time and leave humanity behind.
No more duties, no more regrets, no more pain.
Just him observing without no one to judge.
A fluid form lost in the vast time space.
A form that didn't need to be human.
A form that principles didn't matter to.
Something that could simply be nothing.