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Cassie McKay knew herself well enough to admit she had a habit of emotion-led impulsivity, and, even if she didn't, the blister scars from her ankle monitor would never fade enough to let her deny it completely.
However, she had never been one for jealousy.
Sure, she hadn't loved it when Chad spent an evening flirting with some other girl, but she had often been far too drunk and far too not-really-into-men to give a fuck.
Then had come sobriety, her son, med school, custody battles and far too many apologies, and Cassie had been too busy for more than the occasional hook up. Definitely no cause for jealousy there, not when the other persons faces were nothing more than a blurry mess of 'attractive enough'.
At some point during year six of sobriety, Cassie accepted that she would likely never date again. Not properly, at least, and she truly didn't not mind. She was a doctor and she had a wonderful son, who, despite all her failings, loved her loudly and proudly.
Enter Victoria Javadi.
The med student immediately caught her eye, with all her teenage mannerisms and adult language, and Cassie felt a pull towards her that felt fucking cosmic.
Maybe it was because they had both lost their teenage years, in one way or another, or maybe Javadi was hot and intelligent and Cassie was shallow and perverse. Either way, they ended up falling into bed together in a mess of guilt, desire and desperation.
That's where they were when they became more. Panting and sticky in Cassie's two-bedroom appartment, each waiting for the other to make the first move to separate.
'I don't wanna leave.' Victoria had whispered, her words only just audible over Cassie's calming breathing.
'Then don't,' the redhead had replied, rolling over and wrapping her arms gently around the younger girl, 'you can stay here forever, if you want.'
They had had a better conversation in the morning, between breakfast and a shared shower, and had tentatively began dating, keeping it mostly a secret from the rest of the ED.
Six months later, and Cassie was starting to find the 'secret' part particularly difficult.
Victoria was an attractive woman, obviously, and, much to Cassie's irritation, she wasn't the only one who noticed this. It was a weekly occurrence for some sleazy patient to hit on the young Doctor, meaning it was a weekly occurrence for Cassie to try and kill said sleazy patients with her eyes.
For the most part, Victoria found this amusing. She had never experienced being wanted in the way Cassie wanted her, and she quite liked it. She would even go as far as to half-flirt with some of the guys who hit on her, just to see Cassie's jealous streak flair and feel the presence of the older woman behind her.
Not that she ever really intervened, which Victoria also appreciated.
She liked feeling wanted, but she also liked feeling respected. Trusted.
Victoria found Cassie's jealousy endearing.
Or, at least, she did, until Cassie all but dragged her off the dance floor at a club, glaring at Santos with the most anger (not directed at Chad) Victoria had ever seen from her.
'Cassie!' She had screeched, the vodka in her system cancelling out all volume control, 'What the fuck?'
Cassie was sober. Obviously. And irritated. Even more obviously.
Her hands were gripping Victoria's waist with more pressure than normal and her breathing was coming out in shallow gasps.
'What the fuck? What do you mean, what the fuck? I just had to watch you and Trinity fuckin' Santos grind against each other!'
They were outside now, the cool air sobering Victoria enough for her to sympathise with Cassie's irritation, but not enough for her to bite back the words clawing up her throat.
'So what? Trin's my friend, Cass, and you don't fuckin' own me.'
Cassie's jaw dropped a little.
'I know I don't own you, Vic! I'm not fucking stupid!' She took a breath, flickering her eyes shut slightly. She was sober. Victoria was not.
'I just- it's just, she doesn't know you're taken,' she continued, forcing down the hot, possessive feeling in her veins that kind of wanted to punch Trinity square in the face, 'as far as she knows, you're single, we all know Santos is gay, and anyone would be stupid not to find you attractive.'
'And if Trin decided she wanted to fuck me you think I'd just let her? I know how to say no, Cassie! You should let me do it by myself.' She wobbled slightly on her heels and Cassie's grip on her waist tightened further. 'Do you not trust me?'
Cassie stumbled at that. She did trust Victoria, more than she had trusted anyone in a long time, and she knew she was wrong to drag her away from her friends like that. But something in her chest had broken away seeing Victoria, her girlfriend, dacing like that with Trinity. With someone attractive and appropriate and all the surface level things Cassie wasn't.
Dating Trinity would surely be easier for Victoria than dating Cassie.
'Of course I trust you, sweetheart, it's just,' she paused, trying to force her feelings into words, 'I don't know, maybe I don't trust myself to be good enough for you?'
It came out as a question, but it settled in the air as a truth. This wasn't just about being jealous.
It's too honest for outside a club, and reminiscent of a life of vodka stained confessions that Cassie spent the last nine years trying to move away from, but it was also soft. Soft was a new addition.
Victoria burst out laughing, her alcohol-ridden brain clearly happy to let go of all it's exceptionally valid irritation, shocking Cassie from her semi-depressing introspection, before she shoved the taller woman against the wall and pressed their lips together.
'You're more than good enough, Cass,' Victoria whispered, cranberry breath warm against Cassie's lips. 'Trust me, and trust yourself. I'll grind against you next time.'