Chapter Text
The Avengers are a total pain in his ass.
Ever since he got bit by that spider on the most disastrous field trip of his life and developed freaky spider-powers, Peter has been trying to create chaos in New York.
Nothing too crazy. Moving public benches to the left by a few inches. Webbing petty criminals to various walls. Stealing people’s car keys. Breaking into government buildings and stealing top-secret information.
Long story short, he’s not a villain. But every newspaper and tabloid suddenly has a front page article titled something like SPIDER-MAN: THE VILLAIN TERRORISING NEW YORK. Peter isn’t sure he’s a fan of all the international attention he’s suddenly gained for his antics; he’d been perfectly content with his Queens’ infamy, where people either loved him and wanted a selfie and an autograph, or gave him a lecture about putting a whoopie cushion under their chair or trying to break up their bank robbery attempts.
Anyway, all the attention that Spider-Man has been getting has finally caught the attention of the Avengers. The freaking Avengers. And look, Peter has freaky spider powers, he’s strong, and pretty good in a fight against most people. But the Avengers aren’t most people, and as cool as it would be if he had an honest to God battle with them, he’s pretty sure if it were him versus all of Earth’s mightiest heroes, he would get his ass totally kicked. Not that he’d admit that part out loud.
The Avengers have clearly been keeping an eye on him, and despite their best attempts at being subtle about it, Peter has good senses. He’s careful, much more than he used to be, switches up his routine, and never goes straight back home after a patrol. The last thing he needs is them knowing his identity.
Teenage vigilantes never go down well.
“Hey, you still with us?” Ned asks, waving a hand in front of his face, and Peter is suddenly reminded of the fact that he’s still stuck in fourth period physics and his teacher is droning on.
The lesson is something about electromagnetism, but he’s pretty safe to zone out and think about his double life because he’s aced every single physics exam since he started at Midtown.
“Think you’re too good to pay attention, Parker?” Flash sneers, and Peter rolls his eyes in response, because they both know the answer to that question is yes, he is.
Peter loves physics. He doesn’t go to Midtown for nothing, and he’s pretty damn proud of his webshooters, which are, from a physics perspective, totally awesome. That’s the scientific terminology for it.
You know who else loves physics? Tony Stark. And they say you should never meet your heroes, but Peter has technically already met Iron Man, and the guy is just as cool as they say. Even if they’re on opposite sides, Peter has always admired him, if not for the metal suit of armour, then for his love of science. He’d be willing to put their differences aside if it was just Iron Man trying to track him down, but he’s less fond of the others. Thor is good looking, though, even Peter will admit that.
Tony Stark isn’t trying to find his identity, though. He’s too busy, fighting off alien threats and running Stark Industries. The man definitely doesn’t care about some kid from Queens who’s creating a bit of mayhem here and there, even if it bothers the rest of his little gang. Still, Peter kind of hopes they’ll run into each other at some point. A fight with literal Iron Man would be so dope.
“Have you seen the news? The Avengers have made a statement about Spider-Man, they want to bring him in,” Ned whispers, and someone tells him to shush.
“What?” Peter asks back. He doesn’t panic, because the threat of getting locked up isn’t a new worry. He’s had quite a lot of run-ins with the police now, but he always manages to slip away before they can arrest him and peel off his mask.
“It’s crazy, I thought only Queens knew about him.”
“Well, bright red suit, attracts a lot of attention,” Peter replies idly.
It's not that he doesn’t want to tell Ned about his secret identity, because in all honestly he’s itching for someone to know, but Ned has a big mouth and half of New York would probably know who Spider-Man is the next day. Still, he has a feeling that it’ll probably slip out at some point, and it wouldn’t actually be too shabby having Ned as a sidekick. Peter is good at coding but Ned’s practically a god at it, and it would be helpful finally having someone to help with the tech side of his vigilante career. And two is better than one, as they say.
As cool as it would be having Ned as his man in the chair though, he doesn’t need to be dragged into Peter’s mess. Ned’s smart, and is going to have a good future. Peter is probably going to spend his in some high security compound being studied, when he slips up one day and gets caught by the Avengers or the government.
The day drags on, until Peter is completely itching to get out and patrol, and he parts ways with Ned and heads off to his usual churro stand where he is greeted by one of the few people in NY who is always chipper to see him and usually offers him a free churro. He’s always loved the feeling of swinging through the city, hearing the wind rush past him, all the millions of sounds – dogs barking, alarms ringing, people chattering. He loves the feeling of weightlessness, and it’s probably as close as he’s ever going to get to going to space.
He swings around aimlessly for a while, just glad to get the spider urges out of his system after a long day cooped up at school. It drives him crazy, sometimes, the wildness that courses through his veins, like tiny zaps of electricity. Patrolling helps. Kicking criminals’ asses helps more. It’s not that he really wants to hurt people, because that’s not who he is. But there’s just something about screwing up obnoxious asshole’s days and beating them in fights that really makes him feel like he’s making a difference in the world. Even if the Avengers have a problem with it. Who cares what they think, anyway. Peter certainly doesn’t.
He lands silently on the balcony of a high rise building, and stops for a second to peer at all the tiny people and cars down below, just tiny little insects from up here. The sliding glass door into the hotel room is left open, and Peter snorts at the idiocy. Even skyscrapers weren’t safe when Spider-Man was around.
A suitcase spilling clothes onto the carpet lay abandoned on the floor. A glass of water sits on the bedside table, next to a Rolex, and he scoffs at it. This was the hotel room of Stephen Alexander, the CEO of a corrupt insurance company, stealing money from the working class. Peter had done his research, and Stephen was just completely abhorrent. He stole money from vulnerable people and used it on luxury jets and designer clothing. Eugh. Somebody had to do something about it.
He hears the turn of a key in the door, and immediately creeps back and pushes himself against the wall, scaling it in a second. Being up in the corner would give him the best view and less chance of being spotted before he planned to be noticed. Nobody ever bothers to look up.
Stephen steps into the room, the stench of the cologne that rich people wore immediately overwhelming Peter’s senses and making him wrinkle his nose with disgust.
“…Yeah, I’ll have the budgets done for Thursday. Thanks Paul,” Stephen says, hanging up his phone, and kicking off his loafers. He seems stressed. Good. He’ll be easier to crack.
“Enjoying your life of luxury?”
Stephen gasps and stumbles, dropping his cell, which thuds onto the floor. Peter laughs, in the creepy, humourless way he does when he’s dealing with someone he particularly loathes.
“Holy shit!” The man breathes, finally looking up at where Peter is perched comfortably in the corner. “You’re… you’re the Spider-Man…”
“Hmm…” Peter drawls. “Well, I’m sure you’d be happier to see Captain America, but you’re stuck with me, I’m afraid. I’ve been meaning to have a conversation with you for a while now, Stephen.”
The guy seems like he’s about to pee his pants, but to his credit he steels himself and takes a deep breath. “What do you want?” He asks, the business negotiation tone dripping from his voice.
Peter drops down and approaches the man until he’s right up in his space, and Stephen visibly pales.
“I have a real bone to pick with you, pal,” Peter says, squinting. “A little birdy told me you’ve been taking advantage of people’s financial situations.”
“I own an insurance company! I have to make money someh- What the hell!”
In a second he’s sent flying back into the wall and Peter zaps him with his webshooters, until the guy is totally stuck, as much as he tries to wiggle free.
“I don’t want to hear any more excuses,” Peter growls. He usually tries to keep things lighthearted, but he’s really not in the mood for this today. “People are suffering, because of you. How do you even sleep at night?”
“I don’t care what you have to say about it,” Stephen sneers, and God, clearly no one in his life has ever told him he needs to shut the hell up.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Peter begins, pacing. “You’re going to change all your policies. You’re firing all your employees that are just as complicit in your bullshit. And you’re going to cover every medical cost, I don’t care whether you think they’re necessary or not. You hear me?”
The guy nods slowly.
“And if you don’t,” Peter says quietly. The dramatics are always important for this part. “I’m going to hunt you down, and wrap you up in one of my webs, and toss you into the nearest river. Capiche?”
Pfft. He’s never done that, and doesn’t plan to start anytime soon. But the guy nods fervently, trying to free himself from the webs still, pleading to be let go.
“Remember our deal,” Peter points at him as he begins to make his way back out onto the balcony, leaving Stephen still superglued to the wall, and Spider-Man swings away back into the city, feeling pretty satisfied with himself.
*
Tony Stark has a problem. A spider-shaped problem. Not literally, or at least he hopes not, but Spider-Man seems to only have two legs, not eight, thank goodness.
Anyway, Spider-Man is a total pain in the ass. He’s been causing Tony and the Avengers problems for months. Nat and Cap have been trying to track him down and figure out his identity, but he’s too slippery. Tony is impressed. Very few people can hide from Nat, even if he doubts that will last much longer, because Spider-Man is good but she’s better.
But Tony’s annoyed, because this guy isn’t even the typical murderous villain planting bombs or whatnot, he just seems intent on causing as many inconveniences as possible. Like just last week, the self-proclaimed vigilante crashed into the front of the Stark Industries building in a fight with some helmet-wearing alien. Pepper had been most displeased, not about the cost of repairing it, but because the media took the incident and ran with it. Suddenly Iron Man was useless and couldn’t even stop some guy running around in red pajamas. Tony is a busy man, he doesn’t have time to deal with things like that. The guy isn’t causing any real danger, at least not yet. But he’s keeping an eye out.
Thing is, the guy seems young. All the media reports describe his constant quips and puns, and his apparent penchant for sarcasm. And from all the clips of his fights that Tony’s seen, he’s inexperienced and doesn’t really know how to fight properly. And so that’s why Tony needs to figure out who he is and give him a talking to, because he can’t have some college student causing him problems and making him look like a total idiot, even if Pepper tells him he is at least once a week. Yet despite his best efforts, Tony is no closer to figuring out his secret identity. Does he even have one? Maybe he’s some spider creature from outer space that just decided to come to Earth and wreak havoc. It wouldn’t be the most ridiculous thing Tony’s ever seen.
Tony tosses the scrap metal in his hands back and forth, spinning around on the chair. There’s been an increase in Spider-Man sightings, ever since The Daily Bugle got word of him. He’s bound to slip up at some point, give away something about his identity, and then Tony can talk to him and tell him to stop parading about in spandex, which might crush his dreams but will put Iron Man back in a good light.
“Tony,” Pepper says, from behind him, and he swivels around. She has her phone in hand. “Put your suit on. Spider-Man’s been spotted in an explosion. If you’re fast, you can try and catch him.”
Hopefully not literally, because he doesn’t own a bug net big enough. And he doesn’t want to bring this guy into custody if he can help it. Sure, he’s been breaking the law, but he has’t killed anyone and is probably just an idiot with too much free time on his hands. Doesn’t sound familiar at all.
So he puts on the suit and flies off to the location which Pepper has pinged over to him. Sure enough, there’s a scene of complete chaos, objects are flying, things are exploding, and there’s a swarm of some winged blue creatures in the sky.
And sure enough, Spider-Man.
“You guys should really work on your observation skills!” Spider-Man yelps, leaping out of the way of a piece of concrete that one of the creatures hurls at him. “I’m really good at dodging things, if you haven’t noticed!”
Tony wants to laugh, because the guy still hasn’t noticed him hovering nearby. But he does a second later, and turns and fixes him with a surprised stare, which is somehow obvious even through the suit.
“Woah! Mr Stark! What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk,” Tony deadpans, narrowly avoiding a piece of debris. At least the spider hasn’t started throwing things at him yet, because he does seem good at that.
“Well, I’m honoured, Mr Iron Man sir, but I’m kind of a little busy right now!”
Tony is offended.
“I thought talking was your whole thing?”
“Well, it is, but there’s a lot of these little fellas, and they’re kind of all trying to kill me, if you hadn’t noticed,” Spider-Man shoots out one of his freaky web things from his wrist and sticks one of the blue creatures to the ground.
“I thought causing problems was your thing, not fixing them?” Tony asks, because he’s curious what side this guy is even trying to be on.
“Yeah, but someone sent these after me. I have a lot of enemies,” he shrugs, and he doesn’t always make the best fight moves but he’s inhumanly deft, and suddenly Tony wants to know everything about Spider-Man’s powers.
“I’ll bet,” Tony shakes his head. The kid seems to be holding his own, but it’ll be over a lot quicker if Tony helps, and then he can talk to him and get back home to Pepper and relax. So he lifts his gauntlet and starts blasting at the flying whatever-the-hell-they-are, and they screech and turn their attention towards him, trying to dig their talons into his suit.
Spider-Man takes advantage of their distraction and webs several of them up, doing a bunch of totally unnecessary backflips in the process. Show off. They writhe and try to break free, but whatever that web stuff is made of, it’s strong. Tony wonders whether it’s natural or artificial, and part of him wants to try and collect a sample and analyse it in the lab. Maybe Spider-Man will let him, if he asks nicely, but he has a feeling the guy is protective over his whole gimmick.
When all the creatures are webbed up or unconscious, Tony turns his attention completely to Spider-Man, who honestly seems a little awestruck at his presence, which is funny given all his bravado.
“What did you want to talk about, Mr Stark?” Spider-Man asks, fidgety now that he has no reason to throw anything or run around all over the place.
“You. You’ve been causing me a lot of problems, you know that?” Tony asks, pointing at him accusingly. If he’s afraid, he doesn’t show it.
Spider-Man shrugs. “Should’ve stopped me, then.”
“Okay, ouch. But I have better things to do than chase you around. You’re what, 20? 21? Do you not have better things to do than start fights outside my building and glue coins to the sidewalk?”
“I’m making a difference, I don’t care what the media says. I’m solving all the problems that the Avengers won’t. I just have a little fun with it sometimes, that’s all.” He doesn’t seem particularly apologetic, which Tony expected. This is going to be difficult.
“This isn’t a game, kid. I know you’ve got your…” he gestures vaguely. “Web things. And that you’re fast, but there are things a lot more dangerous than Tinkerbell and friends over here.”
“I know what I’m doing,” he replies petulantly. “You don’t need to interfere, and if you do, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to fight you.”
Tony snorts. This is basically a toddler, threatening to fight him, Iron Man. But he admires the confidence, and some part of him feels that he should try and look out for the kid, even if they’re technically enemies, because if he keeps this up then he’s seriously going to piss the wrong person off and end up dead.
Tony kind of likes him, if he’s honest.
He changes tact. “I like the webs, by the way. Very on theme. And the suit is good, but I could make you a better one.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“What’s with the whole spider thing, anyway? I was kind of expecting you to have more legs.”
Spider-Man folds his arms, annoyed. “All you need to know is that I’m Spider-Man.”
“And I’m Iron Man. Look, I just don’t want any more damages expenses, and I don’t really want to see you end up a little squashed bug on the floor either, so will you let me help out a little and make you a suit?”
And yeah, maybe Tony was supposed to have discouraged this guy from the whole vigilante shtick, but he’s clearly too stubborn for that. Steve wouldn’t be too happy, but the prospect of designing a suit for a possibly alien college student is kind of exciting.
“My suit works fine, and I’ll do what I want thank you, Mr Stark.”
Tony isn’t giving up that easily.
“Just swing by the tower sometime, why don't you? Don’t crash into it again, my fiancée won’t like you for that, but if you drop by then maybe we can work on improving your suit. Because no offense, it doesn’t seem very practical.”
Spider-Man stares at him for a minute. “I’m not an idiot, I know this is all just part of your plan to kidnap me and study my brain so you can steal my powers, Mr Stark. So no thanks, I won’t ‘swing by.’”
And with that, he swings off into the distance. Tony doesn’t follow him.
What the hell, Tony thinks.