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“Will!”
He stirred instantly, groaning in exhaustion.
“Will, wake the fuck up stupid cunt!” His crackhead mom Joyce shouted from downstairs.
“Okay, okay,” Will sighed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
He unraveled himself from his twisted, unkept sheets and stood up.
Will walked up to his mirror. He was wearing a baggy t-shirt and short shorts because he was not like the other girls.
His face was naturally perfect, even after he slept, and his hair was messy in just the right way. He put on his glasses that slid down his nose because it was so petite. His bright green orbs stared back at him.
“Sigh,” he said. “I wish I was pretty.”
He heard the faint sound of multiple voices chatting downstairs.
Huh, that’s weird. He only lived with his bitchass mom and his spoiled brat brother.
Will ignored it and went downstairs anyway, the voices growing increasingly louder. He didn’t recognize them.
Am I going crazy? He thought. Crazy? I was crazy once…
“William?” A sexy British voice asked.
Will walked into his living room to find five hot British twinks sitting on the couch.
“Omg, who the fuck are these faggots?” He asked his mom.
“You don’t know who we are?” The same boy asked. He had long-ish light brown hair parted to one side and baby blue orbs. “We’re One Direction.”
”One Direction?” Will asked. “What even is that.”
The boys gasped.
”Wow,” the blonde one said. “You really aren’t like the other boys. Everyone is obsessed with us… but you're different.”
Will blushed. “R-really?”
”Yeah,” a sultry spicy brunette one agreed. “I’m Zayn.”
“I’m Niall,” the blonde said.
”I’m Liam,” another added.
”I’m Louis,” the twinkiest one said.
”And… I’m Harry.”
Harry stood up and crossed the room to Will. He stared at Will longingly with his baby blues twinkling in the sunlight, before darkening with desire.
Harry took Will’s petite hand and kissed it - warm and wet and affectionate.
Omg, does he want me? Will thought. Wait, no he can’t. I’m just not good enough for him. I’m not like the other girls. He has a million fangirls.
Harry pulled away. “I’m… your new boyfriend.”
"The fuck?" Will asked.
Louis grumbled angrily from the end of the couch. Jealous Type by Doja cat started playing in the distant.
Joyce cleared her throat.
Will turned to her, confused. “Mother dearest, what is this?”
She took a giant swig of vodka at 7am, shrugging nonchalantly. “Well, since we’re broke asf, I had to do something to fund my baby Jonathan’s dreams…”
"what?” Will asked, tears brimming in his beautiful unique green orbs.
“We’re selling you to One Direction you slut,” she said.
What the fuck, Will thought. Hell no.
He knew his evil stepsister Jonathan was up to something. His mother did not gaf about Will. She only cared about Jonathan and made Will clean the whole house like Cinderella. Jonathan hated Will because he was jealous that will was so perfect and didnt need to snort shit to be happy
Maybe in another life, Joyce ignored Jonathan and only cared about Will...
but not this one, Will thought tearfully.
What was he to do? Oh em gee, what if he was being prostituted to them?
Ugh, fuck his fucking chungus life.
At least he would escape all the bullying at school. Everyone hated him because their boyfriends wouldn't stop hitting on him and everyone was jealous of his 2 inch waist.
"Can I at least have my matcha before I go?" he sighed.
They gasped again.
"Ah-ooh-gah," the boys said in unison, fat juicy pink heart eyes popping out of their skull as a drop of drool trickled out their lips in synchronicity.
"Wow, you drink matcha?" Zayn asked. "And wear quarter zips?"
"That is so freaking seductive," Niall added.
"Not like the other girls," Harry panted breathlessly.
He ran a hand through his greasy ass hair in slow motion. His enormous tatted biceps contracted as his luscious locks blew in the wind like a shampoo commercial.
Yooo, Will thought. Why he kinda...
"Dayum!!" Louis piped up, staring longingly at Harry.
Did Will have some competition?
"will, time to pack your bags and get your matcha or whatevs," Joyce said. She popped a punch of pills. "See you never. Bye bitch"
She marched away into the kitchen, never to be seen again.
"Wow, what a cunt," Zayn said.
"Indeed," Louis remarked.
"Yo mama so old, her breast milk is powder," Liam said, blowing white powder out of nowhere.
"Liam omg, what did we tell you about the cocaine!" Harry scolded. "remember what the fucking fortune teller said?!"
"Ugh fine, ruin my fun I guess," Liam retorted.
"Well, Im gonna pack," Will sighed.
"Okay, we'll wait in the tour bus," they said, leaving.
Were they seriously on tour or some bullshit?
will went upstairs to his room. Sigh, he would miss this place. He grabbed a backpack and threw in his iPhone 2 and some Dostoevsky for some light reading.
Will opened his drawers to pack his clothes.
Omg, he only had short shorts and baggy t-shirts and sexy lingerie. Well, it would have to do. He stuffed them in his bag.
Will closed the door one last time.
"Hurry up and get out ugly bitch," Jonathan said, appearing menacingly in the hallway. "All that money finna make me Elon Musk... and make you the little sacrificial whore of a twink cult."
Will sighed and looked away.
He was right.
But Will would never see his evil stepsister again, so he might as well get back at him.
"Die motherfucker" Will flipped him off. Out of his middle finger shot a burning beam of bright light. Vecna's spirit was cast upon Jonathan.
"Ayo," Jonathan said. "No please, please, have mercy! I'll admit..."
"Admit it, bitch," Will said.
"I don't like girls," he whispered, tears in his Latina eyes. "I take Steve's schlong up the ass every night, okay?!"
"Twink alert!" Will shouted. He put on his converse and dipped.
The Barbie dream house ahh tour bus was gigantic with three stories and a pool. Outside was a giant logo of 1D.
Will poked his head inside. The boys had a band setup, holding guitars and drumsticks, even though they could not play any instruments for the life of them. They were writing a new song.
"Hey, why's it called 1D if y'all have five?" Will inquired, lying on the couch to watch them.
"Out here asking the real questions," Liam said.
"Type shit," Harry said. "Anyhoo, we're writing our latest hit! We wrote this song called 'what makes you homosexual.'"
"Play it for me?" Will asked seductively.
"Okay, love," Harry replied. "One, two, one two three four!!"
Liam began to sing:
"You're insecure-
You're insecure-
You're insecure-
You're insecure-
you're insecure"
They all sang the chorus:
"baby you light up my cock like nobody else,
the way that you have short hair gets me overwhelmed,
the way you smile at the ground, it aint hard to tell
you don't know
oh-oh
you don't know youre a homo,
oh-oh
that's what makes you homosexual."
It was so beautiful, Will felt his eyes fill up with tears. "That was the most breathtaking song I have ever heard."
The air was heavy with emotion and the soft sound of sniffling. It was a powerful ballad, sure to be a hit.
"I think it'll resonate with a lot of people," Will said. "I think, especially to Simon Cowell. He will definitely approve this song."
"You think?" Louis asked, his face streaked with tears.
"I know," Will replied.
"Will, you're the best," Harry said. "Im so glad we bought you."
"Me too," Will agreed. Harry plopped down on the couch next to him and brought his arm around Will's shoulders. Will snuggled into him.
The rest of the band joined them. They cried together, moved by their own beautiful song.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
Night fell. Will put on his pyjamas and met the boys in the tour bus living room. It was movie night, hurray!
"Will, sit next to me!" Niall begged with bottom eyes.
"No, me," Zayn demanded broodily, taking a sexy drag off a cigarette.
"Pick me, choose me, love me," Liam pleaded.
"Me!" Louis said.
"Nono," Harry stood up. "Will can sit wherever he wants."
"On my face?" Niall squeaked.
"On my lap," Zayn chuckled mysteriously.
"Nay," Harry commanded. "On mine."
Damn, he was lowk hot.
Will sat on Harry's lap. He felt something hard and pointy press against his butt instantly.
Huh, what's that? he wondered. Louis glared daggers at Will.
"Okay, Will, pick a show," Liam said.
"Hmmm, let's watch woker things," he suggested.
"Kk," Zayn said, pressing on Will's favourite show.
"Oh my god, lesbians!!" Niall said excitedly. He pointed at Nobin and Rancy, who were trying separate their scissors that were stuck together.
"#ronance" Harry said.
The screen switched to Seve and Teddie making out aggressively.
"I ship steddie" said Zayn.
"Nah, sonathem for life," Liam disagreed. "have you seen the way Seve looks at Jonathem?"
"I like both," Louis admitted. "What if they just have a threesome?"
"Yeah, perf," Will said.
Harry spoke up. "What if we have a threesome?"
They nodded, shrugging, considering it.
"Well, I'll obviously take Louis and Will," Harry said.
Zayn's hand squeezed Will's thigh possessively. "No, I want Will."
"Oh yeah?" Harry asked. "You tryna fight?"
"Harry, you need to share Will, jeez," Liam snarled.
"yeah slut," Niall said.
Harry walked up to him and punched him in the face.
"And you're the one named Niall Horan... more like Niall Whore-an."
They all gasped.
"Ladies, ladies, one at a time," will said, tears rushing to his eyes. He was so overwhelmed. Omg, how could they fight over him? Was he that delectable?
The boys started beating up each other.
"I want Will!"
"No I want Will!"
"No, me!"
"My turn!"
"Stop hogging him!"
They all pulled knives on each other, and Will shrieked.
"STOP." Will said suddenly. The room quieted.
He turned to each of them tearfully. "This isn't you."
"He's right," Louis said.
"There is plenty of this to go around," said Will, gesturing to himself. "My ass is so big, it serves five."
The boys smiled. They looked at each other, and conducted a group hug.
Everyone settled back on the coach. There was a van scene between Mill and Wike, where Mill was handing Wike a painting he made.
"Omg, painting gate mention," Louis pointed out.
"How tf you know that?" Zayn asked.
"I'm on bylertwt, duh," he said. "Go follow me @bylerbeez"
"you on there too?" Niall said excitedly. "I run a fileven account. eggo waterfall papa"
Everyone looked at him in disbelief, shock, and betrayal.
”byler fans are mad so mad,” Niall laughed maniacally.
”Harry styles” Harry styles whispered.
"Public execution," Louis demanded.
"Yo, he's going in the white padded room," Harry ordered.
"He's on my cocaine" Liam muttered.
Niall shook his head. "maybe when they kiss elven blood transfer."
Zayn picked Niall up and locked him away behind a door before sitting back down, pressed up against Will.
"Byler is totes the best ship," Harry said.
Everyone agreed. It obviously was.
Watching this scene made Will emotional. He thought about Mike, who he left back home to sit in the closet forever.
Oh well, now he had five hot boy band members fighting over him instead of stinky Michael Queeler.
"Time to sleep," Harry said. "But alas, there's only five beds! Will come sleep with me!"
"I guess bro," Will replied, following Harry into the bedroom.
Harry took off his shirt and started kissing Will passionately.
"Ngh... mm... Will..."
Will slapped Harry's hand before it reached his pants.
"Damn, you're hornier than a dog in heat," Will said. "Im tired. Let's sleep."
"Ugh, fine," harry sighed. He fell asleep as the little spoon.
Will couldn't sleep well. They didn't cuddle like the soldiers - with their bodies pressed together warmly through a Hawkins power outage.
He wondered how Mike took the news of Will being sold to One Direction.
Mike probably didn't care.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Mike flipped the dinner table over.
Plates and glasses fell to the ground, shattering instantly. His mom's nice home cooked meal was splattered all over the floor.
"Michael James Queerler!" Karen Wheeler shouted.
"I hate men!!" Nancy screamed.
"Jesus Christ Mike. calm your tits," Dustin coaxed.
"Faggot," Ted and Max said in unison.
"Motherfucker!" Holly screeched.
"Holy moly!" Lucas exclaimed.
Mike collapsed to the ground, broken. "MY SORCERER. NO! MY SORCERER!!! WHEREFORE ART THOU SORCERER??"
"Shut the fuck up" Holly spat, leaving the room.
"It's not that bad, Mike," Max said. "Now we get free concert tickets to One Direction."
"I don't want to see twinks singing in skinny jeans," Mike said. He thought for a moment. "I only want to see one twink in skinny jeans - William Jacob Byers!"
"Did he seriously get sold to them?" Nancy asked.
"Yes," ted said unhelpfully.
"Alexa, play 'good luck babe,'" Mike cried, groaning in pain.
Max pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, Mike, if you're really so hellbent on having him, then why did you never ask him out?"
Mike scoffed. "Because I have internalized homophobia, duh."
"Well, did you want to?"
"Of course I did! He's so perfect. I miss him so much. I miss how he'd talk to me dirty; talk to me sweet. Now I can't even talk to him at all!" Mike sobbed.
"Dirty?" Lucas asked. "Wait, I don't even wanna know."
"Ugh, now I have to jerk off by myself," Mike said. "I'll just picture him and that super soaker..."
"Pardon me?" Karen Wheeler's eyes widened in fear.
"Ignore him," Max grumbled. "Look, I dont wanna know about you and Will using water guns inappropriately or playing dirty card games. Just go get him back and tell him the truth about how you feel."
"That I love him so freaking much?" Mike said wistfully.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Dustin said. "Come on, let's go find him. I know who we can ask. But first, you need to look hotter - your competition is now Harry Styles."
"Fuck Harry Styles," Mike muttered angrily.
"Let's hope Will hasn't already," Max added.
Mike threw a spoon at her before breaking down in tears once more.
"Alright, time for a glow up," Lucas said.
They dragged Mike upstairs into his room. Max started rifling through his closet, making snarky comments about his lack of taste.
"Mike, you dress like a geriatric," she said. "Too many grandpa sweaters."
"But that's precisely what Will likes on him," Dustin argued.
Mike looked up. "Will likes me?"
"You are so fucking stupid," Lucas sighed, running a hand over his face. He turned to Max. "Okay, uh, what's the vibe we're going for? Like, Troye Sivan type twink or Timothee Chalamet type twink? Or should he dress like a boy band member?"
"Ew, neither," Max said. "Look, Mike, just wear skinny jeans and your converse."
"Ughugh fine," Mike complained.
He changed, looking like a 2010s heartthrob comparable with Justin Bieber.
They piled into Mike's car with Dustin at the wheel.
"I know just who to ask," Dustin said, speeding away.
They drove through the darkness to a house where a lively party was ongoing. After they got out, Dustin ran around before hurriedly tapping a guy on the shoulder.
He turned around. It was the popular jerk on the basketball team, wearing a One Direction fan t-shirt.
"Chance?" Max asked, eyeing him up and down suspiciously.
"Yeah, what's up?" Chance asked Dustin.
"Do you know One Direction's tour schedule?"
"Duh," he said. He spun, revealing the tour dates on the back of his shirt.
"Hmm, okay," Lucas said. "It looks like they're playing in Boston tomorrow night!!"
"Let's go right now," Mike demanded.
"We need gas," Max deadpanned. "slow the fuck down."
"Are you trying to get Will byers back?" Chance asked.
Mike curled his fists. "how do you know that, bitch?"
"Because I saw him go in the tour bus," he explained. "look, I'll drive you guys. I have a friend in Boston who is also a pathetic yearning top named Ilya."
"Well hurry up, we're leaving now," Mike snapped, storming away. "I want aux."
"he's gonna play Phoebe bridgers, I swear," Dustin whispered to Lucas.
"And conan gray," Mike added, before bursting into sad gay song.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
Will woke up to find that Harry was gone.
He got up with a yawn, and went into the tour bus dining room. The boys stared at him.
"Hey sexy," Zayn said.
"uh hi," Will replied. He sat down and drank the matcha Niall had made for him.
"We're playing a show in Boston tonight" Harry said. "You can be backstage with the vip guests. We have some famous people coming."
"Cool," Will replied.
"After you can come with us to the gay bar," Louis said. "It's gonna be so much fun, I love anal sex!"
"Real" Liam replied.
They turned to Will.
"Will.. do you like anal sex?"
"um I don't know, I'm a virgin," will replied shyly.
"I can change that mamacita," Harry said. "Lawless byharry!!"
"Okay?" Will said.
"Fuh no." Zayn cleared his throat. "I'm sorry that you seem to be confused, he belongs to me, that boy is mine..."
"Can you stop fucking singing" Niall shouted.
"Oh, by the way, I like your shirt Louis. top from?"
"I do both bby & thx" he replied.
Harry sighed. "Louis is a bottom, all the time. Top, occasionally."
"And you'd know allll about that, wouldn't you?" Louis retorted.
"Shut up omg," Harry said. "You know it turns me on when youre angry with me."
"Kill yourself" Louis snapped. "Look, let's just talk privately."
"Noo don't kill yourself you're so sexy aha" Liam interjected.
They walked out of the room a little too quickly.
"what the fuck was that?" Will asked.
"The usual," Niall answered sombrely.
The wall in the room they were in started shaking, as if the headboard was pounding into it. Will heard the bedframe creaking and the sound of clapping.
"Oh no, theyre fighting again," Zayn said.
"They get so violent," Niall added. "Makes me sad to see them all bruised up on the neck. And Louis always limps."
"I guess Harry always lands on top, wins the fights," Liam sighed sadly.
A teardrop fell from Zayn's orbs. "Every thirty minutes, they get in a brawl"
"Aww, that's so heartbreaking," Will remarked. "it must be hard for you guys to overhear their pain."
"Yeah it is," Niall said, blinking away the tears. "I always hear their cries and shouts and slapping. It's devastating, but we can't do anything. they just won't stop. they pretend everything's fine..."
Harry and Louis waltzed back into the dining room, looking flustered and askew.
"okay, who's ready for band practice?" Louis said cheerfully.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
Mike ran out of the car, making a beeline toward the stadium entrance.
Chance grabbed him. "Are you stupid? you don't have tickets."
"Hey, I'm getting Will, not you," Mike snapped.
"Did your dumbass forget that I have the way in?" Chance scoffed. "You need me to come with you. We'll find Ilya and he'll let us backstage."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Mike grumbled.
"#Mikechance!" Lucas shouted.
They went into the stadium, cutting in front of the crowds to find the VIP entrance. A Russian guy with curly brown hair stood outside.
"Come," he said, motioning for Chance and Mike to enter. "Who is this twink?"
"That's Mike," Chance said.
"hmph," Ilya replied. "Now where is my Hollander? I need a quickie"
"Wait!" Mike said, looking desperately at Ilya. "How did you pull him? How did you make him fall in love with you?"
"Are you a top with daddy issues?" Ilya asked. Mike nodded.
"Okay, you completed step number one. Next, are you fuck buddies?"
Mike nodded again.
"Next, do you suppress emotional responses during hook ups with the realization that it isn't casual?"
Mike nodded once more.
"Huh," Ilya said, puzzled. "It should have worked. Whatevs. Yearn white boy yearn."
"Well, it didnt, because now he's being pimped out by One Direction!!" Mike cried.
They went backstage in the designated VIP section.
A woman came in, frantically looking around. "Where the fuck is sombr?"
She pointed at Mike.
"you're on in five!!" she said, dragging him away by the arm.
"Who the fuck-" Mike began.
"Just go!" Chance hissed.
Mike was shoved into a dressing room, where people started changing him. He was thrown into an ugly ass sparkly blazer and pants set - something Sombr would wear.
Just then, the door swung open and all five One Direction members came strolling in, loud and obnoxious.
"Hey sombr!" Zayn said. "Good luck!"
Mike saw red and slapped Zayn across the face. "Where the fuck is Will?"
"You know Will, sombr?" Niall asked.
"Jesus Christ, Im not fucking Sombr!" Mike shouted. "I'm looking for Will. I need to talk to him."
"Um, no," Harry Styles interjected. "You don't get to talk to him. He's our legal property. You need to sign paperwork. And we're not telling you where he is anyway."
Mike scoffed. "What the shit?! I thought slavery was abolished!"
"He's not our slave, duh, just our new one apple tall pet bunny," Liam explained.
"Bunnywill mention," Louis added, holding up his phone to show his Twitter timeline.
"Aw, youre so cute Louis!" Harry gushed.
"Nonono," Mike said. "Will is my bunny."
A woman with a walkie talkie popped into the room. Sigh, the walkie talkie gave Mike flashbacks to all the dirty secrets him and Will spilled over the line...
"Sombr, you're on!" she called.
"Fuck me bro," Mike groaned. "I'm not even Sombr."
"Eh, just make some bullshit," Liam said. "Hes destined for the khia asylum anyway. Have fun!"
Mike was dragged forcefully out of the room by a group of annoying cunts scolding him for his lateness. They plopped a microphone in his hand and shoved him onto the stage.
Fans roared, a crowd of hundreds of thousands cheering in excitement.
"Um, hi," Mike said into the microphone. "Uh, this one's for the love of my life, who is currently involved in what has to be human trafficking. I will win you back, my love!! Anyway, I'm gonna do a cover of 'Lover, you should've come over' by Jeff Buckley because ITS NEVER OVER"
The music started, and Mike started dancing around awkwardly. Was Will watching? Would Will be able to see his face clearly enough to know that it was Mike?
Mike tried to focus on the crowd as he just made some bullshitttt. Every lyric represented an intense ache - the yearning he felt for Will.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
"Damn you look sexy," Harry purred at Will. He was only wearing One Direction merch, but Will was so perfect and natural that he looked like a model.
They were backstage. It was almost time for 1D to play. Sombr was wrapping up a tone-deaf cover of Mr. Brightside that involved a lot of sobbing.
"Ugh, I just want you so bad," Harry said. "I want to bring you on stage and smash your brains out, Love!"
"Please don't," Will winced.
"Fine," he huffed dejectedly. "Welp, time to go on stage!"
"Good luck!" Will said.
"Thanks shawty," Harry replied, blowing him a kiss as he left. "I'll be thinking of you!"
Will smiled. He went over to the VIP section to watch and chat with the special guests. He had a reserved front row seat, where he got a close view of the boys' behinds. He sat down and cheered along with the loud ass crowd.
"Hey, Will?" someone shouted.
Will turned around to find Chance Lawson in the seat behind him.
"Oh, hey Chance," Will greeted. "How's college?"
"Bad without you," Chance said, shooting Will fuck-me eyes. "How do you think I rang the doorbell"
Will raised an eyebrow, ignoring his bs. "So, you're a big Directioner?"
Chance nodded. "I'm their biggest fan... and yours. I'm actually #1 Will Byers akgae."
he continued, "So, you're with them now?"
"Oh, yeah, I got sold to them," Will said.
"I heard about that. Devastating, because we could've been together," Chance winked. "Good thing I came all this way for you."
"Um..." Will began.
Chance pressed a big fat slimy kiss to Will's lips.
"ew, you need to brush your teeth," Will said. "Chance? More like chuzz."
"Whoops, I just had dinner," Chance said. "Speaking of, let me take you out. We'll go eat dih- I mean dinner"
"Erm, no thanks," Will replied, he got out of his seat and walked away.
Chance followed him and pinned Will to the wall aggressively, smashing his lips into Will's aggressively.
Will shoved him off and kicked him in the balls.
"I have a pain kink!" Chance whimpered.
Will rolled his eyes and summoned his powers to set Chance on fire.
”it’s not clocking to you that I’m standing on business is it,” Will said as he watch the flames consume this chud.
He burned until there was only a pile of ashes left. Will stepped on them.
"All done," he said to himself proudly.
He went to go sit back in his seat and watch One Direction perform. They looked really cool. It was all autotune and they were just straight lip-syncing, but they looked so powerful and sexy.
"She's really good!" Demi Lovato said from behind him.
Will couldn't agree more.
When they played their new song "What makes you homosexual" Will's vision was blurry, full to the brim with tears. This would be his new gay anthem - forget Sufjan Stevens. He was moved by their emotional rendition. It was divine. Call him Dua Lipa the way he was levitating
"Thank you, and goodnight!" Harry said after they played Best Song Ever. He gave the crowd a k-pop finger heart and everyone screamed.
The boys left the stage. Will ran toward them excitedly.
"Wow, that was amazing!" he said.
"Thanks, we were all thinking about you," Zayn said.
"Too bad I didn't see Sombr perform," Will added.
Harry's eyes darkened. "He has been... dealt with. Accordingly."
"Oh, okay," Will said. "well, who wants to go to the club?"
"HURRAH!" they all exclaimed. They all packed into the limousine and drove away.
"Will," Harry whispered to Will seductively. "you're mine, remember?"
"I guess bro," Will replied.
"Mr. Styles? We have arrived at your destination," the driver said.
Will followed the boy band out and into the club. It was hella gay - but the weather was pretty faggy out.
Everyone was dressed provocatively, but Will was just so cutesy and natural that his hourglass figure was still prominent in baggy clothes.
Will went up to the bar and ordered like six or seven shots of tequila.
Harry and Louis were too busy grinding on the dance floor to care. Niall had period cramps, Zayn was flirting with lesbians, and Liam was selling drugs in the bathroom.
Will was alone at the barstool. He took out his poetry book to do some reading, because he didn't use his phone like the other girls.
"Here's your shots, sir," the brunette bartender said, sliding Will his 67 shot glasses.
"I think we should get litty too, Taylor," the other bartender suggested. "And read Lessteddie fanfic?"
"Duh Gianna!" Tay replied.
Just then, a guy slid into the seat next to Will. He smiled at him.
"Hey," the guy greeted. "I'm Carlton."
"Uh oh spaghettio," Will said. "Harry's gonna be mad"
He downed all 67 of his shots. He might as well get turnt af.
Chopton chuckled. "Who, Harry Styles?"
"Yes," Will deadpanned.
"Well, after tonight you'll forget his name," Chopton said slyly. He winked and it was kinda ugly.
"Okay, sure I guess." Will let Chopton buy him a drink.
Taylor the bartender looked at them suspiciously. She turned to Will. "You sure you don't want an angel shot with that?"
Gianna laughed loudly. "I mean, respectfully, he's hella chopped."
Chopton ignored them. "Um, Will, let's dance?"
Will followed him onto the dance floor. Damn, he was such a bad dancer, worse than Mike.
Chopton kissed Will suddenly, dragging him close. He ran his hands through Will's hair in the middle of everyone.
Seriously, again? Will thought, shoving Chopton off. Taylor was right - Will should've taken that angel shot.
Well, it didn't matter, because Will saw a fist fly and Chopton fell to the ground instantly.
Zayn looked livid, possessive, and even jealous.
Well that was fucking hot, Will thought.
"Get the fuck away from my man!" Harry shouted. He dropped to Chopton's level and started barrelling him with punches again.
Nobody came to help - it was Zayn freaking Malik, after all. Chopton's teeth were flying and blood was squirting everywhere. It was almost mesmerizing to watch him get beat up to death.
"Fight fight fight!" Niall shouted, despite his menstrual pain.
Zayn pulled a minigun out of his leather jacket and shot Chopton square in the forehead. His brain exploded.
When Zayn was finished, he stood up and stroked Will's face. "Are you okay?"
"All good," Will said, sticking two thumbs up.
"Ouch!" Louis shouted suddenly, clutching his stomach. He collapsed, and Harry helped him up.
"What's wrong??" Harry asked frantically. "Omg, is it time already?"
"Yes!! HELP!" Louis shrieked.
"I'll drive," Liam said. They all followed him into the limousine.
"Ow, ow, ow!" Louis cried.
"Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on," Will asked.
"Louis is pregnant," Zayn explained.
"The baby's coming!" Niall shouted.
"aww, congrats!" Will said to Louis. "What are you naming the baby?"
Louis thought. "Hmm, it should be meaningful. I'm thinking Vivienne."
"Omg, it's perfect," Harry said tearfully. "I just know she's gonna grow up to be a bad bitch."
"Update the oomfs about my labour, okay?" Louis asked. "They can't miss it. some of them crazy for mpreg."
"Anything for you, Lou Lou." Harry kissed his forehead. "I'll be your birth partner. Will can manage your Twitter in the meantime."
"Okay," Louis said.
The limousine stopped outside of the hospital. Louis was carried out by a stretcher, clutching Harry's hand tight.
"I'm eepy, let's go honk shoo mimimi somewhere," Zayn said.
"I'm a valued customer at the psych unit. We can go there," Will suggested.
They fell asleep soundly in the mental hospital beds after Will DM'd the oomfs, awaiting Louis to finish giving birth.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
Mike woke up slowly.
The room was empty and cold - unfamiliar.
It was a basement, from what Mike could make out in the darkness.
"Hello?" His voice echoed back at him.
*Im so fucking scared gif*
He began praying to Tung Tung, getting down on his knees and begging for mercy.
"Michael," A deep voice growled as shadows grew closer.
"Who are you!" Mike demanded. "show yourself!"
He suddenly heard chanting and clapping.
"...camp rock! .... camp rock! ... camp rock!"
The fuck, Mike wondered.
Three figures stepped out of the dark fog.
"Aint no way," Mike whispered.
"Hello, Michael Queerler," they said. "It's us - the Jonas Brothers."
Mike groaned. "Ugh, I hate boy bands."
"Would you rather be with BTS?" Joe Jonas asked.
"Gun to my head, I'd say pull the trigger," he muttered.
Nick Jonas spoke up. "listen faggot. you have been sold to us by One Direction."
"Holy heck! First they’re buying teenage girls and Will... now they're also selling people?"
"Yeah, and you're the first one," Kevin Jonas said. "Anyway, you're gonna be our fourth Jonas brother, how exciting."
"No thanks," Mike snorted. "I'd rather shoot myself."
"Well, we have AK-47s in the back, so feel free," Joe Jonas shrugged.
"Okay, jeez," Mike said.
"Look, we've been secretly lurking on bylertwt, and we know you want to get to Will," Nick said.
Kevin smiled. "We're gonna help you bro."
"Yeah, let's take down 1D," Joe exclaimed. "Tomorrow night is the Grammys. Come with us. Will might be there."
"Perfect, thanks guys!" Mike said. "I'm gonna bring some weapons, if that's cool."
"The more the merrier!" Kevin said. "Kirk them the fuck out!"
"Bars," Mike agreed.
While we waited for the night to come, he read Rawn fanfic to prepare his grand romantic gesture.
Tonight, he was gonna get him back.
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
In the meantime, Will, Liam, Niall, and Zayn paced anxiously around the hospital. Liam stole some prescription meds while Zayn and Niall swarmed the doctors for updates.
"Doc Is he gonna make it?" they asked.
"Prolly not," the doctor, named Dr. Ani, replied.
In the meantime, Will was updating the Louis' TL. His oomfs were blowing up his phone with questions about his pregnancy - and because of all the fic updates.
They were supposed to attend the Grammys tonight. They were still in the hospital, waiting for Louis' discharge, and it was nearly noon.
"Ugh, we're gonna be late," Niall complained.
"I hope not," Zayn said. "I hope Louis didn't need a c-section, but I heard that puh tight."
"Aw shucks," Liam sighed. "Poor guy."
"Do you think we'll win some Grammys?" Niall wondered.
"No, your music is shit," another doctor said, laughing as she sutured a wound up.
"Ugh, I agree Dr. Lyss," said Dr. Ani. "Sabrina Carpet is totally taking your Grammy, losers."
Dr. Lyss lol'd. "Duh, coffee break?"
They walked away, laughing together, forgetting their bleeding patient.
"Any freaking day now," Will muttered, impatient.
Just then, the elevator doors opened, and Harry and Louis emerged. Louis was in a stretcher, holding a beautiful infant.
"Everyone, meet Vivienne," they said, holding out the baby.
"Omg, look at those brown orbs," Niall gushed. "Why she asian tho?"
"She's rtca okay?!" Harry snapped back, defending his daughter.
"Okay guys, time to go to the Grammys!" Zayn said. "Louis, can you still come?"
"Yup," he said. "And im bringing my beloved child."
"Can we make a trauma dump candy salad in the dressing rooms?" Liam suggested.
"Mine's too long," Will admitted.
"True dat."
They hopped back in the limousine and drove to their styling studio. They showered and changed into ugly tuxedos with weird patterns. Will wore a cute tight shirt and bbl pants for his hourglass figure, of course.
By 6pm, they made it to the red carpet. Will walked looping arms with Zayn and Harry. The paparazzi were obsessed with him, snapping pictures at his radiant beauty. He was already in the headlines.
He saw fangirls glare at him in jealousy. He had flashbacks to being bullied in school for being too hot, but this time he didn't gaf. He was at the freaking Grammys with One Direction.
"Omg, did you hear?" Niall whispered. "There's a fourth Jonas brother with them tonight."
"What? ce n'est pas possible!" Zayn gasped.
"Ugh, I fucking hate those lads," Harry said.
"Theyre such cunts, we're better," Liam agreed. "We're performing and they're not!"
"Haha, suck our dick!" Louis said. he apologized to his baby, who started crying at the word 'dick' (she liked women)
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
They walked into the Grammys, finding their table. All the celebrities turned their heads when Will walked by. He overheard the Kardashians saying he was their new butt inspo, and he overheard Drew Starkey plotting to tap that.
Sigh, it was so hard being pretty...
They sat down at the designated One Direction table, next to the BTS one. Their members waved at Will too, blushing cutely.
Omg, what if he got sold to them next?
Will smiled back, waving at all his fans. Wow, every guy wanted him.
As the hours went by, Grammy awards were passed out and various performances were given. Will liked the one with Chappell roan in the knight/paladin outfit. He hoped Mike was watching.
"Now, performing for the category for Gayest Song, we have One Direction!" Trump announced.
Will's asscheeks clapped excitedly.
1D rose up from a platform into view. They looked ugly as fuck truthfully, but it was spiritually 2011 so it was apparently hot. They were wearing sparkly pink, like they were really trying to look gay to win that grammy. Like okay queerbait
They began by singing" Night Changes (He/him pronouns edition)", which then transitioned into an upbeat dance number of "What Makes You Homosexual." The boys put on jet packs, including the newborn, and started flying through the audience, doing gymnastics which P!nk wasn't too happy about. will saw Timothee Chalamet grow an instant boner when Zayn flew near.
Will was getting super emotional at watching them float through the air, singing about being closeted.
Just then, as the song closed, a giant cannon of confetti launched rainbow confetti everywhere. Will picked one up - they had the Grindr logo on them. Pride month came early this year!!
A huge round of applause coursed throughout the audience.
"Wow, that was awesome, I hope my wittle sleepy Joe was watching!" Trump said. "Now, let's see who wins."
He flipped open the card thingy. "And the winner is... One Direction!!!"
The boys cheered, Will along with them. He heard the BTS table cussing them out in Korean, and the Jonas Brothers angry as fuck. #hoesmad.
1D walked up to the podium and took their award from Trump. "Thank you so much for this award! We are so grateful to represent the girls the gays and coleman. And for inspiring our song, special shoutout to W-"
Suddenly, some tall skinny twink with black hair ran up and took the microphone. The guy was holding a giant machete to Harry styles' neck. "Yo, imma let you finish but the Jonas Brothers had one of the gayest music videos of all time!"
The crowd started booing him. "Ew homo."
Will squinted to get a better look.
His eyes had to be deceiving him.
What the fucking fuck.
Mike Wheeler at the Grammys? Fork found in bedroom
What the shitballs was he doing here?
Was he the fourth Jonas Brother?
"Mike!" Will shouted, standing up. The room quieted, and a spotlight fell on him. A separate one shone on Mike/
Mike looked at Will, a mix of shock and relief on his face.
"Right now I can hardly breathe." he sang.
"Oh, you can do it just know that I believe!" Will sang back, sounding harmonious as fuck.
Good thing they watched High School Musical last week.
"Will, is it really you?" Mike asked stupidly.
"Yes Mike! It's me!" Will shouted. "I feel like I'm going crazy."
Mike smiled. "Well if were both going crazy, then we'll go-"
"-CRAZY TOGETEHR RIGHT?!" Louis finished eagerly.
"Will, I freaking need you. I'd buy you from One Direction for infinite dollars. I just need you back... I LOVE YOU!"
The room gasped.
Will asked softly, "As a friend?"
"Friends, no thanks," Mike said. "boyfwends!"
"Aww, mikeypoo!!" Will ran up to Mike on the stage and kissed him hard. Mike moaned, hornier than Harry styles.
The crowd applauded. The One Direction members all started sobbing.
Will broke the kiss and turned to the boy band. "Please, speed, I need this, let me be with him! I can't stay with you guys forever when the only 'one direction' I want to go to is Mike's southern parts."
"It's okay, Will," Harry said, wiping his tears. "I need to take care of my bitch and child. I can't be the stepdad, but the dad that stepped up."
"You're the biological father," Louis said.
"Idgaf, let me be inspirational," Harry snapped. "You wanna be a trad wife ho?"
"Rawr," Louis said, pawing at him. "Hold my child, we finna fuh backstage."
They left.
"Will, you should be with who you love," Zayn said, emotional. "Ive been in love with myself for as long as I can remember, I choose ME! Im radio rebel!!"
"Yeah, hashtag byler! Im too menopausal for a relationship anyway," Niall added.
" Mike, you can take him from us for free," Liam sniffled. "But we can still be besties ok? And make sure to use condoms guys - I know y'all never do - safe sex is great sex!"
"We won't but thanks!" Mike said. "Omg will, lets get married!"
"Fuck yeah!" Will agreed. "Lets go live happily ever after."
They kissed again, stepping off the stage and running out of the building as "when im back in Chicago I feel it" played in the background. They were then hit by a double decker bus and died. Rip.
Just kidding! They did live happily ever after, going on Byler and Larry two mans forever. the way they actually died was mike sneezing at causing a 6.7 magnitude earthquake.
Then, in heaven, they met again.
"Omg hai!" Will said upon seeing him in the lineup to the gates.
"Hi Will!" Mike exclaimed. "See, I freaking knew being gay wasn't a sin. The haters can suck my fat one!"
"Mike, don't get cancelled already," Will scolded. He grabbed mike's hand and squeezed it three times (to be exact). It was their turn in the line.
"Hey guys!!" Jesus Christ said. "Can I just say I'm such a Byler! I'm a sucker for yaoi! Honestly, mike, I was so close to sending you to hell if you didnt bag will!"
"Aww!" they replied. "Hey, Jesus, is one direction here?"
Jesus frowned. "No, I lowkirk had to send them to hell because they befriended the duffer brothers. Satans themselves!!"
"Shucks!" Will said. "Well, at least we're here. Where the fukc the function?"
"There is holy water instead of alc," Jesus explained. "But yeah have fun dudes!"
They entered through the gates to heaven, hand in hand.
Crazy together, forever.