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Dazai wasn’t one who cared much for making memories. He already had plenty of ones that wouldn't leave his mind ever…ones that no matter how much he drinks he can’t seem to escape from.
He hated that fact more than he hated even himself. He’d lost more things in this life than he’d ever gained. The deep sinking feeling he was going to lose more never did fade from his heart.
Deep down even Osamu Dazai himself knew he was fated to be alone in this life…yet…he didn’t want to be alone. In fact he hated it so fucking much it made him want to crawl away from his own skin. His own complex feelings weren’t ones that could be easily understood, hell not even he himself understood what he was feeling.
That is if he ever actually put the time into sorting out his own feelings, he neither cared nor had the patience to even try. The only people who tried to understand him were either dead…or well hated his guts entirely. He was fine with that feeling…right?
Fine with the feeling of being lonely in a room full of people meant to keep that sinking pitiful feeling away? Dazai Osamu didn't want their pity, he hated pity. Hated the thought of people seeing him as lowly…most of his life people had treated him as lowly…
Atleast until he had met Chuuya Nakahara.
Ever the thorn in his fucking side, despite how much Osamu Dazai hated to admit it… Chuuya Nakahara caught his interest quickly. Quickly enough to make him let his guard down…even if it was only for a slight while.
Among the people he’d met, Chuuya had stood out like a shining light; he didn’t want to let Chuuya go back to the sheep. He was a terribly selfish creature.
He didn’t want that mission to have been there last….He didn’t want to let go of that sudden new light that had braced his life. He so desperately wanted to see what would happen should he snuff that light out…but couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Instead he opted to capture him and inspect him. Like a cat toying with a mouse before devouring it.
Though Osamu Dazai’s hunger began to recede after a while…That hunger morphing, changing.
He no longer wanted to devour that light…insted rather he wanted to keep it close and hold it tight, even protect it himself. Though we all know Osamu Dazai is awful at emotions.
His rude, ignorant comments were but a disgusting display of what he felt underneath. For he still couldn’t sum up what he felt..He deeply wished he knew another way to show his feelings. He hated the facade he put up, so he built his walls.
Walls that took too long to build and won’t tear so easily…Or at least he himself thinks so…
•••
“You're always like this! Is your only defensive mechanism a comment about my size?!”A very angry Chuuya Nakahara stands across from Osamu Dazai.
“It’s not my fault you're so easy to make angry, you really are a bad dog Chuuyaaa~” The ginger boy across from him turns a bit red.
“Why can’t you ever be serious? Is it that hard for you to actually put some effort into a conversation instead of making shitty, not even funny jokes at me?” Dazai had already been in a shitty mood today, he really didn’t need Chuuya meddling in it as well.
“Course I can ChuuChuu,” Dazai winks at the still very much angry Chuuya. “I just don’t feel like it when I’m with you.”
Dazai stands in shock, the hot sting of a fist colliding with his face as he feels his facade dropping. “What the hell was that for?!” The ginger haired boy panting with his fist still raised scoffs.
“What was that for!?” Chuuya mockingly retaliates. “Despite how smart you say you are, you seem to never actually use your brain properly.”
Chuuya didn't seem to think Dazai already knew this himself…
“Like you ever use yours? All you seem to care about is those stupid Flags. You get too attached to Chuuya…They're going to disappear just as quickly as the sheep did and you know it.” Another hard strike lands across Dazai’s face.
“You’re a selfish bastard-“ Chuuya’s voice had become all but white noise to the ringing behind Dazai’s ears. He was selfish..?
Chuuya backs away slightly, shocked at how the brown haired boy slammed down onto the floor.
His argument dying in his throat as he kneels down to check on Dazai.
“Dazai..? What the hell are you doing? If this is a tactic to get out of this conversation it’s not going to work-“ The ginger haired boy flipped him over, only now discovering the pool of blood that now soaked the side of Dazai’s shirt.
“Crap…” Chuuya must have stopped him on the way to go treat his wound. “Why can’t this dumbass just take care of himself…” Chuuya mutters.
•••
Chuuya Nakahara hated Osamu Dazai, and that was the truth…Wasn’t it? Chuuya was no stranger to being used by others, he knew Dazai was using him.
Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to admit just how attached he had actually become to the brown haired boy.
Their relationship is a complex one, the two of them knew that very well by this point. Though neither would admit each needed the other, they were double black. Yokohama’s strongest unrivaled duo. Their bond was a strong one…but it was a strained one.
Chuuya knew Dazai was bad news the moment they had met, yet his foolish desires had taken over his better judgement. Chuuya couldn’t bring himself to believe he was human, there was no way…Chuuya believed his heart wasn’t real,therefore neither were his feelings. He was just lines of code…a mistake. A fluke. Everything people had been calling him since day one probably…Everyone but him.
The dumbass Dazai who somehow managed to dehumanize himself more than Chuuya did, called Chuuya human.
It sounds so laughable, Dazai, the Demon Prodigy, calling him human? What a joke. Yet…Chuuya believes him…Dazai is different then anyone Chuuya will ever meet…
Despite how much he acts like it, he doesn’t truly hate Dazai… Yes he hates his shitty comments and consistent dog jokes but deep down?
He really does care for him.
•••
Dazai’s head is pounding as he wakes up. The fluorescent lighting of the Port Mafia base replaced by the faint soft glow of a lamp illuminating the corner of the room.
“Finally awake?” Chuuya’s voice comes from across the room. “You should really take better care of yourself mackerel.” Dazai huffs out a breath.
“Aww look who's-“ Chuuya cuts him off. “Dont. Just don't Dazai. I didn’t bring you here just to listen to your ignorant comments.” Chuuya turns and heads to the door.
“Drink the water on the table next to you.” He sighs and opens the door.
“Do you really think I'm selfish..?” Chuuya pauses for a second.
“Just drink the water…” Chuuya shuts the door behind him.
•••
Was Dazai selfish?
Of course he was! He’s one of the most selfish people this world has ever seen. Chuuya could admit it in a heated argument but when faced with a real conversation? He was about as brave as a lump of gravy…
When Dazai riled him up he hoped Dazai would assume he was bluffing, but a regular conversation? There was no way to bluff his way out.
Despite how much he wanted to lie he just couldn’t bring himself to lie to the brown haired boy….and he hated that. Dazai knew this, he knew it and used it against him.
He wished he could kill Dazai just as much as Dazai wanted to kill himself.
He could recognize Dazai’s suicidal tendencies from thousands of miles away…It wouldn’t matter if he said anything to Dazai, he wouldn’t care to listen to him about it anyways.
He’s tried, tried to push him out of his habits. All he ended up doing was making it worse. He had walked into quite a few scenes himself…
As much as he hated to say it he's gotten used to seeing Dazai covered in blood, whether it's his own or others.
Yet it still made his body feel slightly heavier.
•••
Dazai tried to stand and follow the ginger boy but didnt make it halfway across the room before his feet practically slipped out from under him.
Those assholes from earlier had managed to do a number on him. He sighs and lifts himself from the floor and back to the bed he’d been in.
He tried to not let people get to him but with Chuuya it was different… as he lain on the bed his head feels more crowded then it normally does.
His thoughts coming at a mile a minuet till they all stop at once as his concious has finally had enough and let’s him sleep.
•••
Dazai’s presence becomes a hyper aware sense to Chuuya as he lies sprawled out on the rug in his room. “Why do I do this to myself…” Chuuya mutters.
His body feels heavy as he lies there. Dazai was bad for Chuuya, a fact they both knew but could never actually do something about. Nor did they want to at times, Chuuya hates Dazai.
The selfish bastard who made his whole life go up in flames the second he met him.
Though one could say Chuuya’s life was shit before they met… that wouldn’t be untrue in the least…
•••
Dazai is so fucking stupid when it comes to Chuuya and Chuuya was just as stupid when it comes to Dazai. Some could say they were soulmates of sorts.
Others, would say they were “Roommates”- we all know they aren’t roommates.
The saying history hates lovers even upholds now…people seem to just despise love, especially love different from normal.
Chuuya understood this…he tried to avoid love at all costs. He’d lost enough in this life to know Better to let anyone in, let alone love anyone. Dazai was an exception to this matter, that was established a while ago.
He didn’t want to love him….why should he love him if the brown haired boy never loved him back…Chuuya hates feelings.
He hates Dazai.
He hates.
Himself most.
Though I suppose only Dazai understood that.
Dazai hated himself just as much and he hated him…..
They could live with that.
Or maybe just Chuuya could.