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Recordings. They were everywhere in the lab, all in Donnies voice. Preset recordings for lock-downs, drills, phones, any mechanism that Donnie had fixed or built. Anything that had any sort of technology inside of it. His nonverbal tablet had words that he recorded, too.
It wasnt uncommon for the turtle to be recording things, or to be working on tech in general. It wasnt just the fact Donnie liked hearing his own voice. Donnies lab was the only one to have a door on it for that purpose— to not be interrupted, since his brothers were oh so annoying. Each room was soundproofed besides a couple (due to much request and safety precaution. Such as the tank lockdown incident.)
He kept them all safe. Not in a way where he fought hard or was the best at it. No, Donnie kept them safe in another way. The comms, the security, soundproofing, keeping all of them safe in the lair. Keeping them from brumating each winter with the spectacular heater he made. It was all him. They had no clue how to do it, how to really live. Despite that, Donnie wasnt all that important. They could learn to do that with or without him. He could easily be replaced. They could survive. Not live.
So, of course, there were manuals. He made most of them by hand, writing each thing, even color coding some of it. Donnie throughouly enjoyed organizing things. He found it relaxing in times where they had finished something big and got to explain how it worked, how to fix it and so forth with sections and dull yet noticeable colors! Unfortunately, the paper shredder had devoured his work (not by much help from his brothers,) multiple times. He had no clue how the machine could even hold that much paper. The manuals were quite… thick.
Instead, he started typing it digitally, keeping a copy, and also printing it out incase any of them learned to read one day. Well, they would have to. Donnie wouldn't be around to help them every waking moment. Hopefully those moments would come sooner than life had planned them.
A pen would click hopefully in his lab. On his desk. The spring locking into place, the ink dark purple flowed smoothly across the surface. Gliding with elegance and ease at each wrist movement.
A piece of paper would dream in his lab. The pen sliding over the surface, being lifted in perfect print besides the magnificent cursive for emphasis on certain words that were more important than others.
A desk would stay silent and still in his lab. Holding up hours of work and research, pens and paper. Holding the weight of the physical exertion of the scientists mind.
A brain thought loudly in his lab. In his head. His mind ran with thoughts. Many of which were about science, computers and tech. Of course, with categories in each section.
Like many other thoughts, there were ones that were offtrack. Ones that brought the mood down. That werent actually so happy with the situation at hand. With being here.
His lab was quiet for a moment. As quiet as it could be. The gentle whirl of machinery, the sound of electricity in the lights and the door. It was a bearable silence because, in all reality, it was not silent at all in Donnie's lab. Was it truly silent anywhere in the world? Does the word silence not hold a true meaning? The lab was a bearable quiet.
His thoughts were not quiet, either.
This wasnt even a manual, and yet, somehow, Donnie felt a sense of dread that it would be destroyed. Shredded. Torn to pieces for the simple reason: it was fun. Not to him, obviously; Donnie didnt see destroying work as fun. Especially not his work that blood, sweat and not many tears went into (mostly blood and sweat.) His brothers did, however. Smashing and tearing anything they could get their big green grubby three-fingered hands on.
The tank after his day off. The weeks it took to fix. The meltdowns. The amount of dread he felt. The popcorn machine he once build for them. Gone. The remote, the TV, chairs, comms, phones— all of it. Everything he built and created, this home or not, a sense of dread came along with it. It will be gone and dead. He would be gone and dead. Was that was this dread was? Each machine was one step closer to his inevitable death. Towards a time where he was undoubtedly forgotten about. Useless.
They obviously didnt need him. Truly, Donnie was only a liability to the team and not much more. He could never explain that to them, though. They wouldnt understand. They'd pity him. That he was just looking for reassurance and attention. He was such a disappointment.
It made sense in his head. But when he tried to tell somebody, to explain how he felt, all the emotions bottled up inside of him, he couldnt. Nothing worked. For once in his life, trying to explain why he felt the ways he did made his brain shut down. Made it hard to think. It was never hard to think otherwise. Ranting to himself was fine, but there was another issue with that:
Memory.
Donnie wouldnt quite remember a lot of what he would think or say. Or why he would feel those things in the first place. He couldnt talk to others about it, since that was basically impossible. He couldnt just think about why he felt bad because later, it made no sense. Everything in his head made sense, but when it came out of his mouth, his brain couldnt process the words.
The turtle set down the pen, clicking it closed, and slumping onto his desk vigorously. Another click, although this one was from a tape recorder. One he built. Custom colors and buttons.
“Lair lockdown safety procedures are now in place. If you wish to disable, please speak the password now.” his voice spoke from the machine. His gorgeous, amazing voice. The voice of someone who longed to be dead.
Right. All his recordings were put onto this, before uploaded to certain devices, rooms, or protocols. It was easy to do and didnt require much besides a couple button clicks. No matter how much advanced tech he enjoyed, the simplicity came in handy.
He stared at it for a few moments, before grabbing it and setting it infront of him.
This could work. Donnie could rant all he wanted and put it onto this. To remember, to understand himself more with each time he listened to it. Perfect. He already knew what would happen. Donnie wouldn't be around in a couple months give or take, but this was good. Atleast he could somewhat verbalize how awful everything was with no setbacks. No talking to people, no communication, simply explaining what was on his mind. Like a diary he could listen back on. Maybe say a long thing about the end of his life and leave it so the others wouldnt feel so bad about it. If they did feel bad at all.
Donnie clicked the recording ‘ON’ button once more, sitting upright and bringing it to the edge of the table. A deep breath, a clear of his mind.
“Greetings, my name is Donatello Hamato, and this is… a tape about me explaining something horrifically complex: my emotions.”
Leo grumbled and shook the remote, seemingly a bit upset. The TV was off, and the blue turtle had done everything in his power to turn it on. Click. Nothing. A couple more clicks, and still, silence. A loud groan from the turtle.
Maybe Donnie could fix it.
It was obviously the remote since it was a little dented from a certain snapping turtle who had last been holding it. A couple slaps against his hand was all Leo could think of to fix it. Flipping the batteries did nothing, and repeatedly clicking every button in order clearly wasnt going to solve the issue.
The slider stood up from the couch in a slick motion, tapping the remote on his hand while walking to Donnie's room. His feet stepped lightly against the floor.
“Ohh Donnie~!” Leo sang, peering into the lab. The door was open. Odd. He stepped in, looking around for any sight of the scientist. Nothing. Lots of purple cased the room, but no sign of said purple themed turtle.
He probably said something about going out, Leo just wasnt paying attention. Most likely. Thats fine… maybe he could fix it himself? The slider looked around the room, seeing things that were probably (mostly definitely) not used to fix a damaged remote. His desk was covered in notes and a tape player.
It was labeled “TALKS” in all caps, no period.
A roll of the eyes. Probably some of the presentations Donnie had done for the group. Nonetheless, Leo's curiosity got the better of him. Plus, messing with Donnie's things always turned out fun in a way. Well… sort of. Something usually broke and Donnie got angry, but that was the fun in it all, right?
Leo picked up the tape recorder and pressed play.
“Greetings, my name is Donatello Hamato, and this is… a tape about me explaining something horrifically complex—”
Knew it. Leo's finger hovered over the STOP button, ready to click it down, to hear his annoying brothers voice come to an end in a split second, to hear the the whirl of the tape being shut off. He didn't need a TEDTalk on something science-y…
“—my emotions.”
Leo clicked PAUSE. Oh. Ooohh… hm. His eyes seemed to light up, picking up the recorder and smiling at it, blinking a couple times. Well… that was better than some stupid TEDTalk, right? Donnie never talked about his emotions, maybe this could help!!
He rushed out of the room with the item in his hand, running into Mikey's room, feet sliding against the floor as he halted.
The orange themed turtled looked up at Leo from his drawing and smiled, and Leo couldnt helo but show his excitement.
“Mikey!! Go get Raph, I found something from Donnie's lab that looks… beneficial.”
“On it!! But are you sure we should be… taking stuff from his lab?” Mikey asked, setting his things down and hopping up to Leo, looking at the recorder in the grasp of the other.
Leo waved him off with a ‘psh’ noise and a hand motion.
“Whaaat? C'mon, it'll be fine! Plus, it might help us.”
With that quick response, Leo ran out of the room and to the family room. No sign of Donnie, great. Leo arranged the chair and couch to be around the singular table they had in said room. After a couple minutes of preparation, Mikey & Raph walked into the room. The snapping turtle seemed a bit tired.
The two sat down, and Leo grinned at his brothers. A glint in his eye. A shimmer, if you will.
That was never a good sign from Leo especially.
“Before you ask! I found this and… its from Donnie.” He paused, before continuing as the eldest opened his mouth. “It can help! Donnie never opens up. Its like talking to a brick wall, and thiiss has him talking about all his feelings and stuff on it! What better way to help our brother than to listen and see how he feels?”
Leo gently held up the recorder and shook it infront of the others, who turned to eachother and shrugged, before nodding.
“Alright Leo… if ya’ think this wil help, we'll listen with ya.” Raph said with a nod, and Mikey was quick to agree with Raph. Leo couldnt be happier. Learning about his twin, even if it would be boring. They were brothers, all of them deserved to be understood.
Leo put it down on the table. Mikey leaned forward as he pressed PLAY and then REWIND to start it over.
“Greetings. My name is Donatello Hamato, and this is… a tape about me explaining something horrifically complex— my feelings.”
The tape started out as Leo had heard before, getting a bit anxious not knowing anything past this. Completely uncharted territory.
“To put it simply… they suck. Its difficult to explain to others, or even to myself. Everyone else seems to be so… in tune with themselves. I can't comprehend it.”
A laugh.
“Sigh. I never thought I would say that, but its true. Feelings are something I don't understand. Theres… so much going on inside my brain that I can't tell what im feeling.”
Mikey listened intently, Leo figured it was a whole thing on how ‘Dr. Feelings’ could help. No one spoke, not yet. Just listened.
A pause.
“Sometimes im mad. My brothers break things a lot, and I have to fix them. They're so used to ‘Donnie will fix it’ that they dont understand I hate it. I dont mind fixing its just… tiring. Expecting so much of me. But it's the only thing im good for, so if it keeps me from being disowned, I guess it's… fine. I've bever gotten a real ‘thank you’ which… is annoying. Maybe I just haven't earned it yet.”
Leo was in bit of a shock. Apparently, the others were too. Mikey opened his mouth to talk, to reject what Donnie had said on the tape, to argue, but the tape continued before that could happen.
“Theres so much I could say. So much I've bottled. Karai. S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. Everything… the way im a liability. A big one. I constantly fail, I'm not good for anything expect my tech, which I’ve started to give up on. I've given up on eating, spending time with my family… everything. I feel like I've been killed and somehow im still animate. Growing mold, getting weak. No longer safe for consumption…”
“…she called my tech brilliant, and it failed to save her. I murdered Karai, and I just… how could I let her down like that? So much guilt and hatred is just constantly welling up inside of me!”
A deep breath through the room. On the tape. Everyone couldn't believe Donnie would say that. About himself, about… everything. It wasnt true—!
“So, I’ve made a choice. Today, May 2nd, is a month from when I'll kill myself. I've already thought of a lot of ways, but I probably won't do anything too… fancy.”
A gasp. Leo could feel tears in his eyes, but couldnt bring himself to reach forward and pause the tape. His hands wouldnt move. Everyone's demeanor in the room switch instantly. Raph looked horrified, and it was the most scared Leo had ever seen him.
“My family… hates me, I think. They never let me talk, and… they constantly joke about getting rid of me. Kicking me off the team. I don't blame them, honestly. Even Mikey started to do it, and I guess that's when it started to sting a bit. I'm weak, im a liability, I mess up the team too much. Not worth the trouble. They could easily do everything without me, im not a necessity to them. I never have been… even as kids.”
“To put it simply, im easily replaceable in every factor. Ive calculated. I don't bring much to success rate. Im not That funny, even. They can, and will be happy without me. They have to.”
Leo was shaking by this point. Donnie, his Donnie, said this. His brother. His twin thought all of this about himself? He could hear Mikey sniffle a sob as the tape didn't click. It wasnt over. It kept running, Donnie kept talking.
How was it not over?
“I wonder if they've noticed. I am quite a bit of an attention seeker, so I hope they have. At the same time, I dont want them to notice. I dont want them to notice the cuts, the starving.. any of it. The suffering. Maybe they just dont care. If they did, they would come. But they wont. No one will. I can't even save myself, even if some small part of me wants to get better.”
A sad laugh came from the recording. Donnie's laugh. So small and Hurt.
“I feel happy sometimes, but other times I just wish I was dead, you know? I wonder if other people feel like I do. They must, right? Statistically, there is someone out there as self destructive as me. Someone who lives a decently normal life, harbored some abuse and neglect, but is fine now. I feel like even though I've experienced trauma, I'm hurting myself more than outside forces are. Like my personality is the issue.”
A pause.
“I wonder if I'm a narcissist. A bit off topic, Im aware. Maybe, though. Im selfish, even though im aware its not the same. I love my brothers, but as soon as they make me a little mad, I hope they never come back from a mission. Sometimes, I just want them Dead. I cant help but get so upset and enraged all the time despite nothing really being that serious. I hold myself so high… think I deserve great things, and when I don't get such, im crushed. Ive looked into personality disorders. Seems to fit, but its not like i can just claim it. I wonder if i was born a defect, if i was made this way, or if it has something to do with mutation. Do my brothers feel this, too?”
Sniffle. Raph was hugging Mikey, shaking. Leo realized that he, too, was shaking a lot. Raph was just about bawling his eyes out, and Leo was about to follow.
“Anyways. Ive been keeping myself busy. I usually go out and do random things. Get scraps, watch people's lives. No one's questioning it, so perhaps they're already used to me being gone. Maybe I can die sooner. Even through all this, I cant figure out what to say about my feelings. Theres so much more, so, so much more… I just dont know how to say it. I can't express it more. How do I even express… anything? It's so much worse than ‘I want to die’ but I'm unsure how to voice that. Its worse, believe me.
“Its so… so much worse. I am 15, I have attempted my life twice this year. 4 times total. No one knows. No one would care. Im paranoid, and I see no point in living anymore. Its worse. Every night I dream and imagine myself dead. Theres so many feelings I cant explain. I could make so many more tapes explaining, this was just… a portion of it. Maybe I'll do another recoring, although there may not be much of a need. Donatello Hamato is ending this recording.”
Click.
And silence. The lair had never been so still. So quiet.
So, so much silence. Mikey couldnt even break out in a sob properly. Leo was shaking, Raph was covering his mouth in shock while cradling the younger. No words were spoken. What was there to say? Everything Leo wanted to say was stuck in his throat. Even when his mouth opened, it was just choked noises.
Slowly, he made his way over to Mikey, hugging him tightly. At the contact, the younger started to sob loudly. Leo couldnt help but cry with him. Raph held the two. Everyone just… cried. Wailed.
How could Donnie say that? How could he think those things about himself? How could they not see how much they loved him ?
It wasnt true. None of that was. They didnt hate him. Why did Donnie think that?
Was it true he wanted to die?
Was it true that Donnie had been doing those things? And no one had noticed? Maybe they really Didnt show how much they cared. Maybe it was true. They never thanked Donnie. Never complimented him. It was just Normal for everyone to think that he would just… do it. Do everything.
A pit sat in Leo's stomach. How could he not notice. He was Donnie's twin, and he didn't notice. Leo hated himself for not noticing that something was wrong with His twin. The person Leo couldnt bare to be separated from. Donnie wasnt even here and Leo hadn't questioned it.
Where was Donnie now? Was he safe? It was the 8th, theres no way Donnie was…..
Leo couldnt swallow. He felt nauseous. This wasnt real. Donnie didnt want to Die. How could he want to? All the good times theyve had. The times together, as a family. Even the bad times, everyone was always there for eachother, werent they? Right..?
Footsteps.
Leo shot up, looking frantically in the direction where he had heard them. Please, please… please, oh please. The sliders mind raced, and Mikey whimpered. Raph cried with him. Loudly.
A flash of purple, and Leo was no longer on the couch. He threw himself onto Donnie, tackling the softshell to the floor. He didnt care about how Donnie didnt like hugs. He didnt care.
“Nardo—! What are you—?!” Donnie yelped, hissing at the slider, shocked. Leo rubbed his face on his brother, crying wildly.
Donnie was silent. He didnt know what to do with his brother clinging to him, sobbing his eyes out.
“Dont leave. Dont leave us, Donnie. We love you. We didn't know.” He babbled out, words slurring slightly from the amount of crying he was doing. Leo nuzzled his way into Donnie's face, trying to hold his twin as close as possible. Leo— through the tears and lip quivering— planted a weak kiss on Donnie's cheek.
Donnie seemed shocked in a way.
The silence was telling.
“Oh.” Was all he said, taking a glance to the other two, who had noticed Donnie was here. They rushed to encase him in a hug as well. All three of his brothers crying over Him, because of him.
What was there to say? Donnie could barely muster the words.
“Please… please, Donnie.” Leo gasped out, squeezing the softshell as hard as he could, as if Donnie would die if he let go. “Don't die. Don't leave. We love you.”
A swallow.
“Anxious chuckle.” Donnie said, before anxiously laughing. “I won't.. Hopefully. For your guys’ sake.”
That was good enough for Leo. Donnie was thankful, because he did not want to talk any more than that. Mikey rubbed into his side, and Raph cradled all of them close. A lot of tears were shared that night over a certain turtle. Donnie didnt cry back, but some emotions were shared.
None of them let Donnie of the hook. Constantly checking on him. Mikey made meals Donnie could eat without too much trouble. Leo spent time with him, making sure that he never felt alone. Raph was always there, always provided comfort.
Sure, it wasnt fixed. Donnie thought he couldnt be fixed. Which may be true, but progress could be made nonetheless. Everyone pitched in support. Not because they had to, but because they loved Donnie.
And the lock was taken off of his lab. Which Donnie could see why.
It was June 14th, and Donnie was alive. Here with them, wanting to cry over eating a piece of pizza. He did it, despite not entirely wanting to. They felt anxious, scratching at their scars. It was fine. Because Donnie was here.
He was here. A day after the planned date. A day after where Donnie didnt think he was going to be alive. Leo, Mikey, and Raph couldn't be more happy to spend the day with him.
They couldnt be more happy just to know they still had their brother, who was still ultimately struggling, but here.
Together.