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The colors of fall were finally beginning to seep into Tivoli. On the back of Lukas’s dirt bike, Philip watched as the faint oranges and yellows meshed together in a satisfying blur. The air felt colder on the bike as it brushed against the inch of bare skin on Philip’s wrist where the edge of his jacket sleeves ended. His hands, however, were protected in Lukas’s pockets.
It was too noisy on the bike for the two of them to have a conversation but neither minded. The bike was sacred, it was means for an escape from both their thoughts and the suffocating tiny town of Tivoli. The silence was more comforting than anything, it allowed the boys time to leave all their burdens and anxieties behind them and brace themselves for the next small sliver of time that they could be free.
They’d only been on the bike for a minute or two before Lukas came to a stop at the edge of a browning meadow not far from the Waldenbeck’s barn. For a moment, Philip thought they were only stopping momentarily to take in the view until Lukas put down the kickstand and pulled off his helmet. A breeze whipped his already mussed blonde hair to the side. Philip tried his best not to stare.
“Where are we?” He asked, tugging off his own helmet.
Lukas swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing as he did, and ran his fingers through his hair. It was difficult to look Philip in the eye as he spoke.
“Today’s my mom’s birthday,” he said quietly. He dismounted the bike and took a few steps into the knee high grass littered with dandelions ready to give away wishes. Philip followed him and slipped his hand into Lukas’s. As their fingers tangled, Lukas took in a deep breath and kept his gaze steadily on the horizon.
“This was her favorite place in all of New York. Right here, in our backyard.”
Philip squeezed his hand. “I can see why. It’s nice out here.”
And it was, despite the brown tips of the grass. The meadow stretched out for a while before it turned into dense woods. The birds chirping in the distance, the tall grasses and dandelions, it all seemed to have a sense of something more embedded within.
Lukas dropped his head sheepishly. “It’s better in the summer…more flowers and less…dead grass and weeds.” He looked back out at the meadow he hadn’t been to in years. It hadn’t changed at all. It almost made Lukas forget that he, and everything else, had.
When Philip’s hand disappeared from his, Lukas turned around to see him setting his jacket on the ground. Philip sat on top of it then patted the spot next to him. A small smile tugged at the edge of Lukas’s mouth as he followed suit.
“I’m glad you brought me here,” Philip said softly. “Thanks for sharing this with me.”
Lukas barely nodded and instead studied Philip’s face as he talked. In his head, he memorized everything he could in case he needed to reference to it later. The mole near his bottom lip, the way his nose curved slightly toward the end, and he especially took note on the way Philip’s jaw clenched when he closed his mouth. Lukas’s hand found its way to Philip’s cheek and Philip found himself leaning into his touch while noticing how much paler Lukas’s eyes seemed in the afternoon light.
His thumb brushed across Philip’s cheekbone. Their hearts were beating faster than either boy would care to admit. Lukas’s tongue quickly wet his bottom lip before he leaned in to close the gap between them and pressed his mouth to Philip’s. Lukas had never experienced kissing before the way he did with Philip. Kissing girls was nothing horrid, but it also was nothing even close to this. Each time Philip kissed him, it sparked something warm inside Lukas that both filled him up completely and left him wanting more so badly it hurt.
“I’m glad you came to Tivoli,” Lukas mumbled when he finally pulled away. Heat flushed his cheeks and Philip grinned. Lukas shifted so he was lying on his back with his head in Philip’s lap. The sky was a rich blue above them with one single cloud lazily making its way over the meadow. Lukas watched it and pretended it was his mom looking down at them. She would’ve been happy that her son found Philip.
“She used to read me stories out here,” Lukas said, closing his eyes. “My mom, I mean. If I had a secret or-or something I couldn’t tell my dad, we’d come out here and talk about it.” He paused then added, “even if it was freezing out. We’d just put on our snow gear or wrap up in the blankets my grandma used to knit us.”
Philip threaded his fingers through Lukas’s hair. He didn’t want to not say anything and have Lukas think he wasn’t listening, but he also didn’t want to say the wrong thing and startle him back into silence. So, Philip made a soft encouraging hum and continued to brush back Lukas’s hair.
A moment passed before either boy spoke again. Lukas picked apart a dandelion, his eyes glancing upwards every so often to catch a glimpse of Philip and the lone cloud in the sky. Philip had bent over to kiss Lukas’s forehead once he brushed it free of hair.
“I think she would’ve liked to meet you,” Lukas mumbled, “as my boyfriend and all.”
“Boyfriend?” Philip chuckled.
A deep blush rose to Lukas’s cheeks again despite his effort to fight it off. “I dunno…I would’ve brought both of you out here and I would’ve introduced you, then I would’ve told her everything.” He paused and took in a sharp breath. “Well, not everything I guess, but everything about you.” Lukas tried to swallow the golf ball sized lump in his throat but he couldn’t so he turned his head away from Philip.
Philip’s heart surged as he looked down at the boy in his lap. There was an odd sort of pang in the pit of his stomach. Philip put his hand on Lukas’s cheek and slowly coaxed Lukas back towards him.
“We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” he told Lukas. “We could talk about Gabe’s old canoe or something.”
Lukas chewed on his lip. “I just want you to know that I know you don’t like being a secret, I just-I-I need….” He sighed. “Time.”
“I don’t like that you feel you have to hide or-or be ashamed of who you are.” Philip pressed his lips together then continued. “Because you’re amazing. I mean, you’re awesome.” Lukas shied away again with a hint of a smile. Philip’s hand shifted to rest on Lukas’s chest then he let out a deep breath. “It’s just so different in the city, no one cares. I wish it was the same here.”
Lukas said nothing. He plucked a dandelion from beside him and tucked it behind Philip’s ear. His fingertips hovered on Philip’s jaw bone before he dropped his hand and reached for another dandelion. This one he held to Philip’s lips.
“Make a wish, pretty boy.”
“Oh, I’m the pretty boy?” Philip cocked an eyebrow and playfully poked Lukas’s ribs. “Okay, mister tough guy. Whatever you say.” He squeezed his eyes shut and blew the dandelion seeds into the air.
“Fuck!” Lukas laughed, pulling a fluff out of his eyelashes. “I meant make a wish away from my face.” Philip snickered. Lukas reached up to the back of his neck and lowered Philip’s face enough to give him a quick kiss, before grinning widely and wrestling him to the ground.