Chapter Text
A noble, gracious, special someone.
A beloved.
It was as if Xie Lian’s thoughts were nothing more than a circle formed by these two phrases. A cycle of torment, one that he couldn’t seem to find the self-respect to break.
Really, it was just pathetic at this point!
Xie Lian was a more-than-grown man — he was over eight hundred years old, for heaven’s sake, and here he was, pining like some starry-eyed youth. Even when he had been young and naive, he had never experienced something like this… In truth, he had always thought that there was something absent from his being. He had never felt desire towards another person, had never been able to understand why someone would. Of course, he valued affection and companionship as life’s greatest blessings. He loved his parents and friends, back when he had had them, dearly. That love didn’t just go away due to the separation of death and time.
It goes without saying that familial and platonic love are quite different from romantic love. Yet, if he were to be completely honest, Xie Lian wasn’t sure he could even describe what the difference should be, besides the obvious… coupling. And that was something he had certainly never felt the urge to do. Blame it on his upbringing, his training, or even just his temperament, whatever. That human wish for romance had simply never manifested in him.
So why then was it suddenly blossoming after eight centuries? He had heard of late bloomers, but this was entirely too much!
But perhaps, in a way it made sense. He was born into the summer of his life, basking in the sun. Autumn had come with his fall from grace. And then, centuries of winter following his second banishment.
After so long freezing in the snow, was it finally spring?
Unable to stand the sappiness of his inner dialogue any longer, he hid his face in his hands. San Lang could never find out about this. By some miracle he seemed to hold Xie Lian in high regard, but that could only wither if he were to learn of Xie Lian’s feelings. The laughingstock of the heavens, falling in love with a Ghost King? The absurdity would have been comedic, should have been comedic, if Xie Lian could somehow loosen up the knot that formed in his throat whenever he thought of how far below he was from Hua Cheng.
Ha, ha, ha…
Besides, if Hua Cheng were to somehow learn of what had happened in Qiandeng Temple during opening of Mount Tonglu, wouldn’t he be additionally repulsed by the fact that Xie Lian’s actions had harbored genuine desire? That for Xie Lian, his heart had fluttered like a startled bird every time Hua Cheng had pulled him into a kiss to transfer the uncontrollable waves of spiritual energy? That for Xie Lian, it wasn’t just madness?
To keep such a secret from Hua Cheng felt almost unbearably disloyal, but the thought of telling him instilled a unique fear in Xie Lian he had never felt before — the fear of rejection.
As a prince, none of his requests had ever been rejected, and if they were, he simply barrelled through the obstacles imposed on him. Who could stop him? But once he finally was stopped, once he was crawling through the mud on his hands and knees, he had had no choice but to take any opportunity he could grasp. A man who is truly starving will never fret over being rejected. There is no shame, only two outcomes — survival, or death.
But now, he had something more to lose. Hua Cheng had given him the dignity one gives a valued friend; Xie Lian was the only one who wanted something more. It was for the best that he had told Hua Cheng they’d better spend some time apart. He was in no state right now to pretend like everything was as it once had been.
And so, Xie Lian made his way to the Heavenly Capital with a heavy heart. It was times like these that made him wish he was nothing but a scrap collector again, with no responsibilities and no one expecting him anywhere. But the reality was that he was once more a god and Mount Tonglu had reopened, meaning near certainty that a ghost king would be born anew. Xie Lian had to report this to the others.
The heavens seemed duller than when he had last visited. Had the smoke from Tonglu somehow wafted up? Or was this yet another side effect of a broken heart? Xie Lian wasn’t sure which one he’d prefer.
“You look rough.”
Startled, Xie Lian turned around towards the direction of the voice. Slightly down the path stood Pei Ming, eyeing him with a slight smirk.
After processing the comment, alarm bells immediately began to ring in Xie Lian’s mind. His hands shot up — one to his mouth, one to the top of his head. Could it be that his lips were still swollen, his hair still mussed from that whole business with Hua Cheng?
This reaction only seemed to stoke whatever odd fascination had crept over Pei Ming. “I didn’t mean like that, ho ho! More like, you look like someone just trampled over your heart.”
The alarm bells came to a dead halt. How in the world had Pei Ming seen straight to his soul so quickly?!
Narrowly avoiding choking on his surprise, Xie Lian coughed into his fist and waved his other hand dismissively in front of him.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, General Pei,” he said as nonchalantly as he could, hoping that the nervous tinge to this tone was only something he was imagining.
“Don’t lie to me, it’s no use. I’m quite acquainted with romance, you know? These things never get past me. So tell me, what lucky lady has caught the eye of the snow-white lotus of heaven?”
“It’s nothing like that,” Xie Lian insisted with a laugh, nervously picking at a loose thread on his sleeve and wondering if it was socially acceptable for him to just up and leave. Or at least not socially reprehensible.
“Ho ho, so it’s Crimson Rain?”
Such a statement was the emotional equivalent of a boulder falling on him out of the blue. “What!?”
“Ah, so I guessed it! I tried to give you a way out, you know, save you some face. You could have just acted like it was some random mortal woman, and I would have played along. Of course, there’s no way that you’d be interested in anyone other than Crimson Rain.”
This couldn’t be happening… was he really so obvious?
Already certain he would fail, Xie Lian tried his best to play coy. “Why not?”
“Are you serious? I saw how you two interacted after that coffin boat business. Like naive teenagers, stumbling over who’s wooing who!”
The last part was a blow to Xie Lian’s heart, unintended but painful nonetheless. The grimace on his face surely revealed his feelings. “There’s someone he’s in love with.”
“Yeah. You.”
Irritation surged, startling Xie Lian’s in its intensity. Typically, his emotions were as smooth as a tranquil sea on a still day. Now, it seemed like the little annoyance was enough to set him off. Had his heartache made him so volatile?
With a deep breath, he levelled his tone. “No, someone else.”
Genuine surprise overtook Pei Ming’s previously smug expression. “...Oh.”
“Indeed. So, it doesn’t much matter how I feel. Now, I really must be going —”
“Doesn’t much matter how you feel?? Of course it matters! What kind of man are you, giving up so quickly? Have you never heard a romantic tale before? Pursue him! Win him over!”
Despite his best efforts, that awful, pervasive feeling of aggravation swelled in his chest. “I won’t disrespect his feelings like that. San Lang owes me nothing, and he’s made up his mind.”
“So what, you’ll just sulk in silence? There’s no harm in showing some interest, it’s not disrespectful at all! As a martial god I can attest that all’s far in love and war. If Crimson Rain’s little crush hasn’t gone anywhere by now, it never will. Who’s stopping you from swooping in, being the shoulder he can cry on?”
The conversation was going nowhere, and Xie Lian had had enough. What was he even doing, trying to argue with Pei Ming about the workings of the heart? The man was a self-proclaimed expert, and would never let someone as inexperienced as Xie Lian tell him that he’s wrong. And so, Xie Lian decided to simply give up.
“Whatever you say. If you’ll excuse me —”
“Ho ho! So you’ll take my advice?”
Would Xie Lian disregard his morals and lie?
“Sure.”
Yes, yes he would. He’d lied before for much bigger matters, he could lie again! Besides, Pei Ming was being entirely too invasive, he didn’t need to know that Xie Lian planned on burying his feelings deep inside, never to see the light of day.
Much too delighted, Pei Ming grinned and closed the distance between them to clap Xie Lian on the back. “I knew you had it in you! Ah, I’ll help you out, don’t worry. But we really should get going now, we’re awfully late to that meeting you requested about Mount Tonglu.”
Xie Lian felt his eye twitch.
The moment the meeting ended, Pei Ming immediately appeared in front of Xie Lian, materializing out of seemingly nowhere.
“Lucky for you, I’m free to talk right now. Let’s go to my palace, I can get us some wine,” he said magnanimously.
Darn it! Xie Lian hadn’t been able to jump back down to the mortal realm in time to escape.
“General Pei, there’s really no need. I can’t even drink anyways, it goes against my cultivation method.”
A well-groomed eyebrow was raised at that. “You’ll be breaking that cultivation method soon enough with Crimson Rain, why not enjoy yourself now?”
Such words slapped heat into Xie Lian’s cheeks as he began to stammer. “That’s! That’s!”
“That’s what? Am I wrong? Or do you doubt my ability to get you some action? Hah! I assure you, there’s no one more equipped than me to help you! I’ve been with countless beauties, each more stunning than the last, each more desperate to —”
“Alright, alright, I get it! It’s not that I doubted you, it’s just…” Frazzled, Xie Lian began to rub his forehead. What could he say to get Pei Ming to leave him alone? He had agreed to let him help…
Xie Lian was so lost in thought over what to do that he missed the shift in Pei Ming’s expression.
“Jokes aside, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘do I really deserve to go after the one I love? Do I really have any business trying to win their heart when it’s already set on another?’ Well? Am I right?”
Stunned, Xie Lian dropped his hand from his head and finally met the general’s eyes, wondering if somehow he had misheard his own inner conscience in Pei Ming’s voice. But the other god simply looked back at him with a serious, albeit slightly knowing, look.
Just like before, Pei Ming had read him like an open book. It was as if the man had the capacity to be strikingly observant but simply chose not to be most of the time. Caught with nowhere else to run, Xie Lian nodded in confirmation and lowered his gaze once more.
Pei Ming hummed. “I thought so. Ah, I wish I could experience young love like that again. Regardless, all those worries are nothing but a load of crap. Who are you to decide Crimson Rain’s feelings? By making him aware of yours, you aren’t demanding he reciprocate. Give him the chance to turn you down before you go write yourself out of the equation. Who knows, maybe he’s about ready to give up on his unrequited love. Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective.”
Xie Lian chewed on his lip for a moment before replying. “... I don’t think San Lang is the type of person to give up on what he wants. I have no doubt he’ll be able to win his special someone over one day. It would be wrong to get in the way of their happiness.”
It was a more vulnerable answer than Xie Lian had intended to give, but for some reason, it was relieving to speak these feelings aloud. Cathartic, in a way, even though the person he was conversing with was Pei Ming.
Unconvinced, Pei Ming shrugged. “You don’t know that his ‘special someone’ will ever return his feelings. With how old Crimson Rain is, they probably are aware of his admiration and choose to ignore it. They might just be leading him on. The truth behind the situation is unknowable.”
This very thought had treacherously crossed Xie Lian’s mind earlier at the lake. What if that noble, gracious person was some sort of villain who was simply plucking San Lang’s heartstrings like a harp?
Still, he hesitated. “I don’t think San Lang would let someone walk all over him like that.”
“Love makes fools of us all. Even just infatuation is enough to make you act oddly. If Crimson Rain truly likes this person, he probably doesn’t mind being taken for granted a little bit.”
An image of Hua Cheng, yearningly gazing upon a taunting figure in the distance, entered Xie Lian’s mind. Would San Lang really never let himself rest, endlessly pining for some cold and uncaring idiot?
The notion was incomprehensible. A look of outrage must have crossed Xie Lian’s face, for Pei Ming seized upon the opportunity given to him and added quickly. “By stepping in and showing him he has other options, I think you’d be greatly helping him out. Poor Crimson Rain, all alone, thinking no one loves him — ”
“Enough! I… I…”
Truthfully, Xie Lian couldn’t bear to let Pei Ming continue to paint the picture of such a pitiful Hua Cheng. It was as if his very heart was about to break irreparably from the thought of San Lang not being cherished. But now that Xie Lian had suddenly spoken up, he wondered if he was simply being goaded by Pei Ming. After all, it’s easy to be talked into something when it aligns with your heart’s greatest desire. What if he was just deluding himself into thinking Pei Ming actually knew what he was talking about, simply because he wanted an excuse to get closer to San Lang?
“I… I… don’t know what to think about it all,” Xie Lian admitted finally, placing a weary hand over his forehead. He had no experience in such matters of the heart, how was he to know what was the proper thing to do?
For all his faults, Pei Ming seemed genuinely sympathetic to his plight. “Dealing with real feelings is tricky, for sure. That’s why I usually tend to leave my heart out of my romantic encounters. But you don’t have to confess right this instant. Instead, why don’t you just flirt a little? Gauge his reaction?”
Flirt?
Xie Lian, an eight hundred year old virginal cultivator, had never flirted in his life.
Once again, Pei Ming seemed to hear his thoughts. “Ah. You’ve never even tried to flirt, have you?”
“...” Xie Lian didn’t have the energy to refute it.
Pei Ming sighed, putting on airs of being tired but actually sounding more excited than anything else. “Well, I have my work cut out for me. How about that drink? Just a little, to calm your nerves.”
“... Just a little.”