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“I heard your joke about going to confession,” you whisper. “Didn’t know you’re Catholic.”
“Used to be,” Leon whispers back.
“Oh… What changed?”
“I stopped believing when I was a kid. After my parents were murdered, I… I couldn’t feel it anymore- God’s love. I wasn’t even mad at Him for not being there for them, or for me. It just made me realize He was never there at all.”
His voice has risen to its normal pitch as though the conversation were casual, easy. You both know it’s anything but.
“After a while, religion- God- stopped being something I thought about. I moved on, had to worry about the rest of my life.”
You stay silent, giving him the space to continue if he wants.
“When I joined the police academy, I…” he trails off, shaking his head self-deprecatingly. “Figured I’d try again. I thought if people were going to put their faith in me and believe that I could protect them, then I should have something to believe in, too. Something bigger than the force.”
He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. You don’t dare interrupt, sensing that there’s more trapped behind his teeth. You just give him a small reassuring nod, hoping he can sense that you’re here, that it’s safe. There will be no penance or punishment if he confesses to you.
“The night I got my acceptance letter into the RPD was the first time I prayed in nearly fifteen years.” His voice is getting tenser, angrier. There’s a deep furrow between his brows. “I thanked God for it because I was trying so hard to believe. I wanted to believe so I thanked Him for giving me the opportunity to serve… and for giving me a new family to be part of.”
Tears well in your eyes at the sound of his voice cracking.
You already know how this story ends.
“Did you know they were throwing me a welcome party? There was a banner strung up, and plans to get sodas in case I wasn’t a drinker.”
The television casts a sickly glow across Leon’s skin, making the tear tracks down his cheeks glitter like trails of stardust.
“My faith lasted right up until Officer Elliot died screaming in my arms with his guts spilling out beneath his uniform.”
He finally meets your gaze.
“I spent my first and only day as an officer taking the lives of those I swore to protect. If God is real, I’d bet that was the funniest night he had in a while.”