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Carl paused at the door. He'd never been here. Director Stratt had provided the directions, bypassing the normal procedure of having one of the crew act as a guide. There was a sheet of paper with the current occupant name on it. This one was a bit worn and looked like it had been moved a few times. It still said "Dr. Ryland Grace". Someone had drawn a rather good caricature of him on it at some point.
With a sigh he turned the doorknob, letting the door open on its own. The room inside was small but tidy, not what he expected based on the lab. There were a few drawings taped to the walls. Moving in he had to shuffle to get the door closed. He was bigger than the room's occupant. Former occupant now.
Setting the bag on the bed he sat down next to it. letting himself pause. He knew what he had to do but he had a little time to reflect. Looking around at the brightly colored drawings he felt trapped. Trapped by duty, by circumstances. He'd do what he had to do, like all of them.
"No. Be honest. The man you helped send to his death." He said the words out loud for the first, and probably only, time. Eva Stratt may have the authority to do what she did but that didn't make it right. She'd never have to answer for it. He didn't know if it would bother her at all. Her focus was on one thing and one thing only - the Petrova Task Force, Project Hail Mary, and everything she could do to give it a chance to succeed. Dr. Grace's fate was just one bullet point in that project to her.
The bag already contained all the personal items Dr. Grace had in his lab area. He didn't know who'd done that. He wondered how long it would take for anyone to notice they were gone. Maybe it didn't matter, given how little time there was before the launch.
Shaking his head he stood up and went to the dresser. It didn't feel right to go through Grace's private things. The clothing he'd worn. Those stupid goofy t-shirts that he'd wear in the lab and in most of the meetings Stratt dragged him to. Sometimes literally dragging him out of his lab. Carl couldn't help but laugh when he remembered the first time he watched her do that. Dr. Grace sputtering and Stratt pulling him along by the force of personality alone. Secretly Carl thought she enjoyed the expressions on people's faces when confronted with Dr. Grace's sense of humor in those high stakes meetings. She used their confusion to her advantage.
He paused when he heard footsteps in the hallway and didn't relax until they'd passed. He'd been assured that Dr. Grace wouldn't be here when this happened. He knew why. He also knew Director Stratt always seemed to know how to make things work in her favor. This shouldn't be any different.
He opened the first drawer and couldn't resist the shudder as he picked up the first shirt. It was one of those dorky science shirts, one he actually found funny. He'd seen Grace wear it any number of times. He felt how soft it was from frequent washings. Shaking his head he got on with his assignment.
Carl picked up each shirt and looked at it, thinking of when he saw Grace wearing them. He hadn't understand some of the more obscure ones and would furtively look up the references later. Each one showed Grace's love for science and decidedly odd sense of humor. They also showed his refusal to conform to to what people thought a scientist should be.
It took longer than he thought to pack what Dr. Grace had brought with him when he was brought onto the team. Digging through his personal items felt invasive. It was invasive. But it was something he could do to try to make things less unpleasant and more familiar when the time came.
He couldn't help himself from putting on a pair of Dr. Grace's nitrile lab gloves to pack his undergarments. Some things were best meant to be untouched by his hands. He paused and wondered if anyone else had seen them then shook his head at the idea. It wasn't any of his business. But Dr. Grace didn't stop at having dorky t-shirts. He continued the theme when probably no one else would know.
Much to his surprise he found some odd things in the back of the drawer holding his underwear. A handmade fox cap, some bean bags, and a souvenir snow globe from San Francisco. He carefully put them in the bag, using one of the gloves to bag up the snow globe before putting it in the middle of the stack of t-shirts to keep it safe.
"Maybe that's why Stratt kept him around." Carl talked to himself when he was alone. In public, by Stratt's side, Carl was quiet. He'd reinforce what she said, when it needed to be reinforced. But when he was alone he maybe let himself give voice to his thoughts. "He was the human side she couldn't show. Everyone told him what they couldn't, or wouldn't, tell her." He let out a little laugh. "I wonder what he never told her. What he'll never get to tell her." That thought drained the humor from him.
He carefully peeled the tape off the walls and folded it around the drawings. He didn't want to damage them by trying to remove it. Dr. Grace would need these. He'd chosen to bring them when he packed up his apartment and chosen to keep them in his room. Smoothing one of them he wondered what student drew it and what it meant to Grace. Was it someone special or simply a reminder of his students in general? His thoughts wandered on that path with each one he took down. He placed them in the middle of a stack of those damn t-shirts where they'd be safe.
Every drawer he emptied felt like more of an invasion into Grace's life. He'd brought so little into this project.
"That's not true. He brought everything he had into this project." Carl dropped heavily onto the bed again. He brought everything he could and when he couldn't give any more they took it. Commander Yao would certainly have things to put in the reports he sent back when he found out about this. They betrayed more than one person with what they did.
Dr. Grace was one of the only true volunteers in this whole thing. He'd been dragooned into being the sacrificial scientist for the first examination of astrophage. Hell, he even named it. But Stratt let him go when he'd done what she needed. He was the only one who came back when the full scope of what was happening registered and felt that he could make a difference. The fact that the soldiers let him back said Stratt knew he'd be there. If not, he'd never have made it near where she was working. She saw something then that none of them had.
Maybe she even knew what she'd have to do but never fully expected to. Who would have thought that both science officers would die? Obviously Dr. Stratt considered it and made her contingency plan.
Carl paused. He hadn't thought about it until now. Stratt had been so careful to keep the crews separate when there were risks. But she didn't say anything when both of the science officers worked on training and experiments together. Realistically the most important person on the mission would be the science officer. The other two astronauts were there to get that person to Tau Ceti and figure out if there was something they could use here. He frowned as he considered. Why the hell would she allow both of the most important people going on the mission in the same place when they were working with unknown and dangerous materials while keeping the other crew members separate while training?
Shaking his head he finished packing the bag. He'd never ask and she'd never tell. She'd quietly worked Dr. Grace into the position of being both her "second in command", as Commander Yao was the first to figure out and put into words, and the tertiary science officer. He'd been the one who created most of the experiments and done most of the equipment testing before the science officers. Arguably it was so he'd be able to train them but looking back it seemed a more deliberate choice on Stratt's part.
The room seemed empty now. The only decoration had been the drawings. He'd kept all his trinkets and toys in the lab area and those were already in the bag. They were there when it was given to him. Someone else had the task of gathering those. He wondered what they were told, if anything. Maybe that Dr. Grace was being reassigned, which wasn't untrue even if it was misleading.
The bag was full. The clothing and the personal items took up more space than Carl expected. He never thought Dr. Grace was attached to material things but obviously he had his fair share. Even then it seemed every item had a meaning for him. He only hoped he'd gotten everything.
With a smile he picked up a package of those damn red licorice strips Dr. Grace seemed to always have around. The first time he saw him with one behind his ear like a pencil he had to choke back a laugh. He wished he could send some along but they wouldn't be edible after twelve years. Or even the four years they said would pass in the ship.
His smile drained away. Dr. Grace had taken the time to tell him about relativistic physics and time dilation.
He wrangled the bag out the door and almost walked into Commander Yao. Of course. He hurriedly schooled his face into the careful blankness he'd cultivated during the project. They both looked at the bag with its cardboard tag that said "Grace". Yao looked at it with the same stoic expression he wore most of the time.
"Dr. Grace's belongings?" He gestured towards the bag. "He did not wish to pack them himself?"
Carl met his eyes. "I was asked to do it. He's nervous about the mission and Stratt is doing everything she can to make sure he's taken care of. Packing would be too stressful, in her opinion. The medical team is looking him over. She's concerned about him."
Yao didn't say anything for an uncomfortably long time. "Dr. Grace was most insistent that he was not going on this mission. Director Stratt must have been very persuasive to have him change his mind." His voice was as steady as his look.
Carl knew he had to phrase this correctly. "Dr. Grace was aware of the consequences of not having a trained science officer on the mission. He came to realize he was the only person who could fill that role." He warned himself to be careful to skirt the truth here. They could send Grace up already in the coma but they needed the Commander to do his job. "He's taking the time to familiarize himself with the change."
"Dr. Grace is an interesting man. He seems solid but then becomes mercurial when the situation changes. A good trait in a scientist to adjust to changing situations." Commander Yao continued to look at him closely. "Director Stratt seems to be the one to pull those changes out him when she needs to. This is a larger change that I would have credited to him. He seems an interesting man. I wish I'd had the chance to spend more time with him outside of the training he gave us."
Carl bit his lip. Yao didn't know just how much time he'd be spending getting to know Grace and he didn't know how that time would be spent. Dr. Stratt assured him that Grace wouldn't be a problem, at least while the mission shaped up. She seemed sure that he'd perform his tasks to the best of his ability once he accepted the fate he was shoved into. This was one of the few times Carl truly hoped she was right.
"Dr. Grace said he found training you and your crews one of the best parts of being part of the task force. He loved to teach." As he said it he realized his mistake. He put that in the past tense. Dammit.
Yao's gaze was even more inscrutable. He didn't miss that mistake.
"He will not be teaching again? Always he talked about his students. His "kids" as he called him. Is he staying with the task force, or taking a university job?" He expressed interest in this. So many people liked him and wanted him to be happy, especially after dealing with the administrative tasks Director Stratt seemed to take pleasure on giving him.
Carl could answer this in complete honesty. "Dr. Grace will most certainly be able to teach, regardless of what he chooses to do in the future. I don't think anything would keep him from it." Honest as far as it went but he'd be teaching a class of two.
Commander Yao hesitated, then nodded. "Dr. Grace showed what the best of us could be. We'll miss him."
Carl nodded. He'd miss him too.