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Frank is six years old when his mother takes her final breath in a hospital room surrounded by her children. His father is sitting at her bedside, holding her hand to his lips, and kissing her knuckles over and over again until her hand goes limp. All Frank can do is cry quietly in the corner, his older sister, Chelsea, standing behind him with her hands on his shoulders.
Their baby sister, Rachel, is curled up on the bed next to their mother. She’s fast asleep, her birthday party from the day before having taken its toll on the three year old. She’s the spitting image of their mother, right down to the golden curls and olive skin.
Chelsea carries Rachel out of the room in one arm with her other hand wrapped around Frank’s, dragging him along behind her. Their father stays behind to say his final goodbyes.
Frank turns eight a week before his father meets Maria.
She’s a nice enough woman; single, eight months pregnant, and the sweetest voice Frank has ever heard in his short life. She’s singing at a small concert in the park with a band that Frank never was quite able to pronounce the name of. Her hair is dark and cut short, the ends hanging just below her chin, and she sways back and forth as she sings.
She catches Richard’s eyes almost immediately, with her sweet voice, warm smile, and a personality that lights up the whole place.
They invite Maria to sit with them when they find an empty picnic table and she accepts graciously, taking Richard's hand as he escorts her across the lawn.
“I don’t like her,” Chelsea says when the adults are out of earshot. She’s got her arms folded across her chest and is frowning in the direction of their father.
Frank looks up at his sister while holding onto Rachel’s hand on his other side. “It’s just lunch,” Frank tells her because he’s too young to understand just exactly what’s happening. “Isn’t it?”
Chelsea looks down at him then and drops her arms so she can take his other hand in hers. She gives it a quick squeeze and nods once. “C’mon.” She smiles. “Let’s go eat.”
Richard Langdon and Maria Santos say their vows when Frank is ten years old.
It’s the summer before Chelsea’s freshman year of high school and she’s standing beside Maria as rings are exchanged and Richard dips Maria for their first kiss. Their family and friends erupt into joyous cheers and even Chelsea can’t help but crack a smile at the beaming smile across their father’s face.
Frank is standing beside his father in a matching suit and tie and when he looks into the crowd, his Aunt Theresa is watching on with a bittersweet smile while she holds Trinity in her arms. The toddler is clapping her hands enthusiastically and squealing loudly.
Rachel is standing next to Chelsea in a matching dress but once the cheering starts, she’s running and jumping up into Maria’s arms. Maria doesn’t hesitate to lift the little girl up and hold her close, kissing her cheek and bouncing up and down to the music playing through the speaker system.
His dad claps him on the shoulder and pulls him in for a hug which Frank takes in stride. He hears Trinity babbling and cheering and when he looks back over, she’s squirming out of Theresa’s arms until the woman sets her down onto the grass. Like a moth to a flame, Trinity runs full force until she’s barreling into Frank’s legs, her tiny arms wrapping around as best she is able.
“Franky!” she shrieks, laughing and smiling up at him with her wide eyes.
Frank laughs as he bends down and lifts his little sister into his arms. She squeals again and throws her arms around his neck.
He’d already had two sisters when his dad met Maria but by the time Trinity was born, when he’d held her tiny body in his arms and she’d just stared up at him, he knew that was it. He’d kissed her forehead and whispered a promise that he’d always be there for her. That no matter what, he was her big brother. From that moment on, if anybody asked, he’d proudly announce that he had three sisters.
“My baby sister was just born,” he’d say with his head held high and his chest puffed out. “Her name is Trinity and I love her a lot.”
Two years later, when Frank is all of twelve years old, they welcome another member to the family.
Sophie is the perfect mix of Richard and Maria and Trinity is ecstatic to have a little sister all of her very own. Frank loves Sophie like he loves all of his other sisters, holding her in his arms he kisses the top of her head and tells her he loves her.
The night that Sophie is born, when Frank is working on an essay for English, Trinity knocks on his bedroom door. She cracks it open and he looks over to find her standing in his doorway with tears in her eyes and a pink stuffed rabbit clutched in her little arms.
“Trin, what’s wrong?”
Trinity sniffles. “We have a new sister.”
“Yeah, we do.” Frank moves from his desk chair to sit on the floor in the middle of his room. He reaches a hand out and Trinity hesitates for a second before she’s launching herself into his arms, almost knocking him over.
“Do you still love me?”
The question is so absurd and shocking that Frank has to take a second to process it before he pulls away from Trinity and pushes her hair out of her face.
“What kind of question is that?” he asks softly, wiping at her runny nose with the sleeve of his shirt. “Of course I still love you, Trinity. Why wouldn’t I?”
Trinity’s got tears down her cheeks now and she’s sniveling as she tries to breath but it comes out shallow and uneven. Her cries soon turn to smaller, wet hiccups, and she wipes at her nose with the back of her hand.
“Trinny.” Frank maneuvers the four year old so she’s sitting criss-cross on the floor in front of him. “What’s wrong? Why did you think I wouldn’t still love you?”
“We have—we have Sophie now,” Trinity tries to explain. “We have Sophie now and Sophie is your real sister so you won’t love me anymore ‘cause I’m not your real sister like Chi Chi and Rachie.”
Frank’s heart breaks and he scoops Trinity back into his arms so he can squeeze her and kiss the top of her head.
“You are my real sister, Trinity,” Frank says without hesitation. “We may not be related like me and Chelsea and Rachel, or even like how we are with Sophie now, but you’re still my sister, okay? I love you just as much as I love them and sometimes even more.”
“You promise?” Trinity asks, her little voice thick from all the tears.
Frank gives her another squeeze, tickling her sides, and smiles when it gets a small giggle out of her. “I promise.”
Trinity is ten years old when her brother leaves for college and her whole world is pulled out from under her. The cracks had started to appear even before he left. Little things that turned into big things that soon turned into things so big she’d have to hide out in her room with her hands covering her ears.
Sophie would knock on the door and hurry inside, crouching down beside Trinity, while their father screamed at Frank for what felt like an eternity. Trinity would hide them both underneath the covers until eventually the screaming stopped or they fell asleep. She never knew which one came first.
Most nights, after they’d fallen asleep, Trinity would climb out of her bed and sneak out into the living room where she knew that Frank would be sitting up watching TV. It was a safe guess most times that their father would be out in town, nursing whatever drink he could get his hands on.
“Frank?” she whispered as she approached the couch.
He looked over at her but unlike most nights, tonight his eyes were wet and there were tear tracks on his cheeks. He smiled at her and wiped at his cheeks with his fingers, gesturing for her to come sit beside him.
Trinity climbed up beside him, curling up beneath the knit blanket that their Aunt had gifted Frank for his graduation. “Are you okay, Franky?”
Frank nods. “Yeah, Trin. I’m okay. My back’s just hurting a little bit worse tonight.”
There’s a part of her that doesn’t want to believe him because she knows her brother. She knows him and she knows when he’s crying sad tears or when he’s crying happy tears. She’s seen him cry sad tears more often in the last few years but especially in the last year alone.
“Are you sad?” she asks and when he turns his head to look at her, he swallows thickly and gives her a tight smile.
“How can I be sad when I’ve got you here with me, huh?”
She knows he’s putting on a brave face, playing the strong man even though she can see him breaking apart a little bit at a time.
But that doesn’t stop her from returning the smile and scooching closer so she can snuggle up next to him, his arm dropping down to rest across her shoulders. She lets herself doze off, the warmth of Frank bringing her more comfort and security than she’s ever known.
She just didn’t know that it’d be the last time she’d feel that comfort for almost fifteen years.
She doesn’t see him at first which she figures is really a blessing in disguise. She knows for a fact that had she seen him before she’d gotten a chance to introduce herself, she would’ve been at a loss for words. Hell, she probably would’ve choked on her own tongue. It isn’t until after Dr. Robby introduces Dr. Collins and Dr. Langdon that she sees him.
Dr. Robby had leaned to the side to let them get a look at their new Senior Resident and when he does, Frank is obviously stunned. He’s staring right at her with wide, glossy eyes, parted lips, and a pallor that almost has her concerned.
Almost.
“Dr. Langdon?” Dr. Robby asks, waving a hand in front of Frank's face.
Frank startles out of his trance, eyes darting to the attending as the color slowly comes back to his face. He closes his mouth, his lips thinning into a tight line, and nods.
He doesn’t look at her again throughout the entirety of handoffs. He stays as far ahead of her as he can, always managing to be just outside of her eyeline. It’s not that she wants to actually have to talk to him but to have him not even acknowledge her…hurts.
That’s how they go for most of the shift; only speaking when absolutely necessary, avoiding eye contact as much as they can, and never once acknowledging their past connection. It makes for a very awkward, tense shift but she’s determined to just get through this day. That’s all she needs. She just needs to make it through the rest of today.
She’s zoned out for much of the day so when someone offers her a snack in a plastic bag, she doesn’t really pay much attention as she accepts and digs her hand in. She pulls a handful out but before she gets a chance to eat them, she hears his voice.
“Trinity!”
It snaps her out of her daze and when she whips her head around, Frank is already striding over to her. There’s clear panic in his eyes as he approaches her, waving off Whitaker when he tries to present.
“You can’t eat those,” he says firmly, glancing down at the snack in her hand.
She furrows her brows but when she follows his gaze, understanding settles over her.
Cashews. Tree nuts.
“Shit,” she murmurs under her breath while dumping the nuts back into the bag still outstretched to her. She smiles apologetically at the nurse who offered.
“Sorry,” Trinity says quickly. “I’m uh, I’m allergic to tree nuts. Guess I just wasn’t paying attention.”
When she turns back around as the nurse walks away, Frank is already holding out a pack of wet wipes. She doesn’t bother trying to act like she doesn’t need the help, taking the pack and pulling one out to wipe off her hands.
Frank sighs heavily, arms crossed. “You need to pay more attention. That could’ve been really bad.”
“I know.”
She wipes at her palms over and over again.
“Do you have any epi-pens with you?” he asks and she nods. “Okay. Good. You need to be more careful, okay?”
“I will be.”
Another wipe. Over and over and over again.
“Does Robby know about your allergy? You should probably—”
“For fucks sake, Frank!” she shouts, chucking the pack of wipes at his chest. “I’m being careful, alright? Just mind your own fucking business.”
The rest of the ED goes quiet, no doubt all of them startled and intrigued by what seems to be occurring. She’s seething now, heart pounding in her chest and her hands shaking at her sides.
Frank watches her with a stony expression. “I’m just trying to help, Trinity. I’m keeping an eye out.”
Trinity chuckles dryly. “I’m not a fucking child anymore. I don’t need you looking out for me, okay?”
“Wait.” Dana’s voice appears behind her. “You two know each other?”
Frank nods. “Yeah. I’m her—”
“Step-brother,” Trinity says quickly. No way she’s letting him say shit. “Our parents got married. We barely even know each other.”
Hurt flashes across his face and she knows the second that he starts biting at the inside of his cheek. His jaw twitches and tears start to gather in his lashes as his eyes drift to a spot behind her. He gives a strained smile and says weakly, “Tell Robby I’m taking ten.”
He’s pushing through the double doors leading upstairs before she can even blink.
After hearing about their blowup in the middle of the ED, Robby sends Trinity off to find wherever Frank got to. It’s his form of punishment she figures, for making such a mess on her first day.
She wanders up to the next floor, going room to room and calling out his name, thanking whoever exists that this entire floor is abandoned. It isn’t until she reaches the waiting room at the end of the hallway that she finds him.
He’s sitting against the far wall with his knees bent and he’s passing something back and forth between his hands. She can’t make it out from here but he seems to be watching it with a troubled look on his face. She knows him. She knows that look. He’s…conflicted. Or maybe confused. Those looks are always hard to tell apart.
“Frank,” she says while walking through the doorway.
At the sound of his name, Frank’s head snaps up and his eyes find hers in an instant. He’s scrambling to his feet while shoving his hands in his pockets, the soles of his shoes squeaking against the linoleum.
“What’re you—why aren’t you downstairs?”
His voice is strained and there’s an edge to it. The same edge that she used to hear in those first few months after the accident. After the accident, during rehab and PT, trying to push through the pain like it wasn’t even really there. Those days were the hardest; having to watch as her brother relearned how to walk and the surgeries to help stabilize his vertebrae. It was torture for him but it was hell for her. Seeing her brother in pain and not knowing how to help.
Trinity shakes away the memories and clears her throat, “Robby told me to come find you and bring you back downstairs.”
Frank nods. “Okay. Well, you found me. You can go back down. I’ll uh—I just need a minute.”
He shifts on his feet and Trinity sees the wince that he tries to hide. It’s small, subtle, but she sees it anyway.
“Is your back bothering you?” she asks despite her reservations. She’s not supposed to care. Not anymore.
Even from far away she can see the tension in his shoulders and the way his jaw clenches tightly, lips pressing into a thin line. He draws in a deep breath through his nose and blows it out slowly through his mouth.
“It’s always bothering me.” He shrugs. “But I’m managing.”
She folds her arms across her chest. “How?”
Frank chuckles dryly. “I’m not doing this with you.”
Trinity watches closely as he moves away from the wall and she knows that if she doesn’t act fast, she might not get another chance. He could easily go back downstairs and request to be transferred to the night shift. She knows it’s only done in necessary circumstances but after what happened today, she wouldn’t be surprised if they approved.
“Frank, wait.”
She reaches out a hand to grab his arm and when she does he yanks it away from her as fast as he can. A thin orange bottle goes tumbling out of his pocket and lands on the ground at her feet. She doesn’t need to pick it up to know what it is but she does anyway. Frank doesn’t even try to stop her, he’s frozen where he stands, and when Trinity turns the bottle over in her hands her suspicions are confirmed.
She looks up at him as her heart pounds in her chest. She wants nothing more in this world than to be wrong.
“Frank,” she swallows past the lump in her throat, “this isn’t your prescription.”
“I got on new pain meds,” he explains, his eyes focused on the floor. “Those are just to wean me off of them, alright? It’s not a big deal.
“The fuck it’s not,” Trinity snarls. “You know we’ve got a history of addiction in the family, Frank. This is literally the biggest fucking deal.”
His eyes snap up to hers at that and his gaze turns cold, though there’s a slight quiver of his jaw as he snatches the bottle from her hand and shoves it back deep in his pocket. “So now I’m fucking family, huh?” He hisses. “Just drop it, Trin. It doesn’t matter. It’s not important.”
As he turns on his heels to leave, Trinity feels a white hot anger surging up through her spine and before he’s even made it partway down the hallway, she’s shouting, “Guess all you know how to do is leave, huh?”
She knows she’s struck a nerve when his shoes squeak as he comes to an abrupt stop.
“I was eighteen, Trinity.” Frank spins on her and she takes a quick step back. “What was I supposed to do?”
“You were supposed to come back for me!” Trinity shouts, her voice cracking and this definitely was not where she thought this day was going. “I was ten years old and I just—I just wanted my big brother. One day you were there and then the next you were gone. You didn’t…you didn’t even say goodbye.”
Frank deflates some at that, his shoulders dropping and his eyes closing for just a moment as he lets out a controlled breath. “Because I knew that if I said goodbye…I wouldn’t have been able to go.”
“You could’ve taken me with you,” she tells him, folding her arms across her chest. “Me and Sophie. Rachel was already settled with Aunty T but me and Soph…you could’ve taken us with you.”
“Trinity…” Frank sighs, shaking his head.
She knows that look. Even after all these years, she still knows her big brother probably better than he knows himself. Hell, he probably still knows her better than she does.
“We would’ve been better off with you and you know it. We would’ve been happier.”
“I wanted to come back for you but…” Frank trails off and drags a hand down his face.
“But what?” She throws her arms out and huffs in frustration. “But what, Frank?”
He drops his head between his shoulders, his hands clenching into fists at his sides, and when he raises his head back up, there are tears collecting in his lashes. He whispers out, “I was scared.”
As far back as she can remember, Trinity doesn’t ever remember an instance of seeing him scared. Really, truly, scared. Aside from those months during his rehab, he’d always been the strong one. A knot twists in her chest and she has to rub at the space below her collarbone to try and soothe the panic and anxiety she can feel bubbling up.
“Scared of what?” she asks, curiosity getting the better of her.
“Take your fucking pick!” Frank shouts with a bitter, wet, laugh. “That you’d hate me for leaving in the first place. That you’d be disappointed in how I turned out. Any of the other fucking mistakes that I’ve made coming back to bite me in the ass and ruin both of our lives.”
Her heart breaks at the hurt in his voice.
“I’ve never hated you, Frank,” Trinity says quietly. It’s the truth. She’s just never said it out loud before. If she were being honest with herself, she’d always thought she really did hate him for leaving, abandoning her. It was only at this very moment that she realised how wrong she’d been.
“I called. After the news came out about your coach,” he admits, his voice shaking, “I called. More than once. But Mom” —he sucks his teeth and shakes his head— “she said that you didn’t want to talk to me. Said that you were mad and that it’d probably be best if I gave you some space. So I did.”
“I was mad at him,” Trinity is quick to clarify. “Not you. I don’t know why she would—I was mad at what happened.”
“It happened because of me, Trin,” Frank sobs, his cheeks wet and his eyes shiny.
Trinity shakes her head, disbelief coloring her words when she asks, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“If I hadn’t,” Frank sucks in a breath, “if I hadn’t gotten hurt during that last game. If I had just been more careful, then you wouldn’t—”
If she shakes her head any harder she’s worried it might fall off. “It’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is!” he snaps. “It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t been so reckless, if I’d done what Dad said, then everything would’ve been better.”
“How?” Trinity snaps back and Frank startles away from her. “Cause from what I can see, you’re much better off than you would’ve been if you’d done what Dad said. He wanted you to lie, Frank. To tell them that you were good to play when you knew you weren’t. If you had, you could’ve ended up paralyzed for life and I know you know that.”
“Better me than you,” he says and it hurts to realize that he truly believes that. He’s not just saying shit. He actually thinks—
“Don’t be a fucking idiot, Frank,” she hisses because its the only words her brain can supply.
“I’m serious. If I’d have just kept playing, committed to playing at GSU, then maybe dad wouldn’t have been so adamant about you being an athlete. You wouldn’t have joined that fucking club and you would’ve been safe. You would’ve…fuck…” his words fade away as he backs up and slides down the wall, dropping down until he’s seated on the ground.
His knees are bent and his hands come up to cover his face as silent sobs shake his body. The sight alone has Trinity’s breath catching in her throat and her heart shattering. She never wanted this. She never wanted any of this.
Stepping closer, Trinity takes a deep breath as she lowers herself to the ground until she’s sat beside him with their shoulders pressed together. A jolt of warmth, comforting and familiar, flicks back through her body and she feels herself relaxing with every second. He’d always been able to help calm her brain down by just being there. Just sitting with her in silence while she cried over her stupid fifth grade math homework.
“What happened to me,” she sucks in a shaky breath, “was wrong. It never should’ve happened. Dad should’ve been there to protect me—”
Frank interrupts with a hiccuping protest, “I should’ve been there to protect you. That’s what…big brothers are supposed to do.”
Trinity nods slowly. “You’re right. That is what big brothers are supposed to do.”
“And I didn’t,” he gasps between sobs. “I didn’t…protect you.”
“Frank,” Trinity says quietly while keeping her gaze on the section of floor where their shoes bump against one another's. “You protected me every single day of my life from literally the second that I was born.”
A smile tugs at the corners of her lips as waves of memories crash over her.
“Didn’t I used to cry when anyone else would try to hold me?”
That earns a wet laugh from Frank and his head is lolling to the side to look at her.
“Yeah,” he confirms and she doesn’t even need to look over when she can hear the smile in his voice. “Chelsea and Dad used to get so frustrated. You’d only ever let me or Mom hold you. I put you to sleep one time in that old rocking chair we used to have and then I tried to transfer you to Dad's arms so he could put you in your crib. You woke up, saw that it wasn’t me, and immediately started wailing.”
Something bittersweet aches inside her and when she turns her head, she finds piercing blue eyes watching her carefully.
“You were my favorite person,” she confesses. “And then you just left. You said that you would always be my brother, that you’d always be there for me, and then you left. And you didn’t say goodbye.”
Frank swallows audibly. “I thought you’d be better off without me. All of you. Mom and Dad spent all of their savings on my PT and Rehab. Dad was getting worse and I just—I thought that if I was the one to walk away, it’d hurt less than when they’d inevitably be done with me. I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.”
“But you never came back,” Trinity says, her voice small yet so loud to her own ears. “I waited and you—”
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes quickly. “I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. I just got so caught up in my own pain and misery that I didn’t consider the fact that maybe you wanted to see me again or that maybe you needed me. Mom used to send me updates and I thought you were doing okay for a while. I didn’t really think you needed me anymore.”
“Of course I needed you.”
He must hear something so sincere in her words because tears start to well up in his eyes again and she knows that he’s biting at the inside of his cheek.
Trinity smiles weakly at him. “I always need you. You’re my big brother.”
She holds a hand out, palm up, and Frank returns the smile as he places a hand in hers and links their fingers together.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers.
Trinity gives his hand a squeeze. “I’ve missed you, too.”