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Porchay watched Kim's reflection as he raised his eyes to meet them in the mirror. They stared at each other like that for a long moment before Kim sighed and looked away. His face was conflicted in a way Porchay wasn't used to seeing. It stabbed at his chest and he rubbed the ache away as he continued study the man in front of him. Kim's shoulders tensed, loosened, and tensed again. He straightened up and turned to meet Porchay's eyes with surprising determination.
"I'm in love with you," Kim said. He didn't stumble over the words and kept his eyes locked on Porchay's.
"Bullshit," Porchay said without missing a beat. His voice dripped with disbelief and he was a little vindicated as he watched Kim flinch back That didn't stop Kim's words from circling through his mind on an endless loop as his heart raced.
He'd been so desperate for those words three months ago. When Kim had denied it something fragile had broken inside Porchay that he didn't think he'd ever get back. Hearing it now - seeing the serious and surprisingly nervous look on Kim's face - didn't fix what he'd broken, but Porchay could feel the hole in his heart wanting to mend.
He wanted to believe it.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Over and over and over.
What the actual fuck? What was Kim trying to accomplish with that? Why would he say that of all things? What did he want that this was his plan of action?
"I can't stop obsessing about what happened," Kim added.
He looked - fuck - he looked serious and remorseful and, if Porchay was willing to make a fool of himself, Kim looked genuine. He looked like the world was shaking. Like something had shifted in Kim's very existence, and he was sorry for what he'd done. Or, at the very least, about how he'd done it.
He still hadn't apologized.
The fucker.
"That's a you problem," Porchay said. He had to force down his instinctive response of yes yes yes that chanted through his head. The way he wanted to reach out and drag Kim into a hug. Would he ever be over this man? Would he ever be able to look at him and not want to be wrapped up around him?
He wasn't willing to risk his heart when it was still so bruised from last time.
Porchay didn't let himself budge. He simply continued staring back at Kim until Kim's expression dimmed. He seemed to cave in on himself the longer Porchay watched. It was a strange sight to behold, and so very different from the confident idol he'd met, or the sweet music tutor he'd dated, or, even more so, from the mafia son who had killed in Porchay's defense.
There was a part of Porchay that relished in the fact that he might have hurt Kim even a fraction as much as he himself was hurting. There was another - somewhat larger - part that wished Kim would just stop talking. If Kim would stop talking, stop thinking, stop existing, then Porchay might actually be able to focus on getting over him. He might succeed at flushing their entire relationship from his brain. He wanted to actively forget everything Kim had ever said to him, and then maybe he could actually heal.
It didn't help that he kept running into Kim. Kept seeing him at the mandatory family dinners that Porchay didn't understand why he was forced to attend. He didn't claim Korn Theerapanyakul and his mafia offspring. And if it wasn't at the compound then he'd run into Kim on their shared campus.
Every time he came across Kim his heart hurt. It was making getting over him damn near impossible. Three months should have been plenty of time. It's not like they'd been anything serious for long, but Porchay's heart had been all in from the start.
Kim fell silent again where he was still standing in front of Porchay's balcony door.
Porchay didn't want to look at him. His eyes were drawn to Kim anyway. He looked tired, a little run down, and thinner than Porchay was used to seeing. He could imagine how taxing Kim's work schedule was on top of whatever he had been meeting Kinn and Porsche about. He'd heard Kim was in the gym more often than not during the last few weeks and had intentionally avoided the compound gym for his own sake.
"You never replied to the song," Kim said after a long pause. He looked like he was struggling to speak, struggling to find the right words, as his eyes kept darting to Porchay's and then away again.
Porchay shrugged.
The petty, mean spirited part of him wanted to laugh in Kim's beautiful face.
"What do you want me to say? What did you want me to say? Thanks for the song? A permanent reminder of you breaking my heart? Thanks so much, Kim. It's not like I don't already spend hours of my nights wondering how I could have been so fucking stupid to think you actually cared. That you actually wanted to spend time with me, let alone ever be with me. And then you used the song I wrote to remind me of it? That's great, I really appreciate it." The anger was rolling through him again the way it did whenever he thought too long about Why Don't You Stay. Kim hadn't released it, and as far as Porchay had figured out, he was the only person with a copy.
"You're not stupid, Porchay," Kim said. His voice was more forceful than it ever was. There was a level of steel to it that he wasn't entirely used to hearing from him. "You thought I cared because I do."
He noticed the present tense immediately and actively chose not to acknowledge it. Kim was saying all the right things, but damn it, he wasn't going to get wrapped up in it again.
"You were using me for information," Porchay counted.
"I was using the need for information as an excuse to spend time with you." Kim gave a wry self-depreciating grin before his face relaxed again with a half hearted shrug. "I learned pretty quickly that you had nothing useful to tell me."
Why did he seem so charmed by that? What the fuck was his problem.
"Then why? What was the point?" He stepped back towards his bed and picked up the bouncy ball on his nightstand. He fiddled with it between his fingers thoughtfully as he watched Kim. It was branded with their school name - a freebee that existed only for those brave enough to wander the campus courtyard and decline all the groups petitioning for attention and memberships.
"I like being around you," Kim said. Still with the present tense. That had to be illegal. "I liked feeling normal and like I didn't have to pretend the same way. I liked watching you light up when you told stories and hold your hand when you were scared of the amusement park rides." He smiled then, a sweet one that Porchay had gotten used to before everything fell apart.
"You were the one who was scared," Porchay said. He narrowed his eyes, hand clenching around the bouncy ball that he'd taken to throwing against his walls on his most sleepless nights. Kim looked delighted. Insanity clearly ran in his family.
"Sure," Kim said with a mischievous grin. "Whatever it took to hold your hand, you know?"
"What the fuck?" Porchay gaped at him, well aware that his mouth had dropped open in surprise. What was this whole conversation? What had actually happened from the moment he'd found Kim acting like a creeper trying to climb over his balcony railing onto the tree outside his bedroom.
Kim didn't say things like that.
He didn't say things like "I'm here checking on you" or "this place isn't safe and I wanted to make sure you were". Sure, Porchay hadn't given him an opportunity recently. He'd shut down any conversation over the mandatory family dinners, and move in the opposite direction when they run into each other at school, but that didn't matter. What Kim had been saying tonight was too outside of the realm of reality to actually be real. Porchay needed to keep remembering that.
Kim never said anything so bluntly. Everything he did was always full of riddles and codes that only Kim himself could understand. He was too cautious about his words and intentions to say anything clearly.
Porchay had assumed it was because of his life as an idol. He'd learned much later it was simply his nature due to the family he'd grown up with. Korn didn't appreciate blunt honestly and it created a risk of people who could be hurt.
Kim opened his mouth to reply, a smirk tilting his lips, and Porchay scowled at him.
"No, no, don't you dare. Shut up."
"Nah, I don't feel like it," Kim said with the smile still growing. "You were cute. You are cute. Of course I wanted to hold your hand." His hand flexed at his side as he said it before he pulled it back. It was almost like he was going to reach for Porchay's hand and the thought settled solidly in his mind.
He wanted Kim to hold his hand again.
"You need to stop talking," Porchay said instead. He threw the ball at the nearest wall and caught it easily. He needed Kim to revert back to the silent and stoic Kim. The one that didn't corner him in his room with words of sweet nothings that Porchay would have died to hear months ago.
"You wanted the truth," Kim said with an unrepentant shrug.
Porchay opened his mouth to argue and then closed it again as Kim raised an eyebrow. He had been asking for the truth from the moment he caught Kim. He wasn't ready to trust that this was the truth though.
He threw the ball against the floor and caught it just as easily. He dropped down onto his bed, thumbing the volume off on his phone to turn it off even more. It had been quietly playing through their whole conversation. Porchay was just grateful it wasn't the WIK playlist he'd been trying to fall asleep to.
"Then why?" He asked as he kept his gaze on Kim. "If you loved me? If you wanted to hold my hand? If any of that is true? Then what the fuck was that outside of your apartment? What was with you trying to leave the morning I was kidnapped?"
"I didn't want you involved in this life. I didn't want you trapped here. It's not safe, Chay. No matter what anyone says."
Kim was the only person he'd heard say that out loud. Though, Tankhun had heavily suggested the same thing. Porsche insisted that they were safe in the compound. That everyone here would protect Porchay with their lives.
He knew that was simply his brother's wishful thinking.
How could they truly be safe if everyone here was prepared to die protecting Porchay?
How could any of it be true, how could any of them be safe, when Korn Theerapanyakul was still alive? He'd seen the curious and furious look in Korn's eyes too many times since he'd been forcibly moved into the compound several months ago.
"Then why now? Why are you here now?"
Did it matter? If what Kim said was true - and, damn him, Porchay was starting to believe it might be - then why was was Kim bringing it up now when Porchay had been here for months already?
"Because, unfortunately, you can't get out now. You're as trapped as I am. There's nothing I can do to keep you safe by staying away from you. And if I can't keep you safe that way, then why the hell am I trying?"
"I didn't have a choice in the matter of being stuck here," Porchay said. He'd thought it. He'd sworn about it. He'd wanted to hurl the words directly at Porsche and was grateful he'd refrained because he knew it would be the start of some things he couldn't take back.
Somehow, it was easier to feel that rage with Kim. He was just as angry at Kim as he was at Porsche, and thanks to both of them, wrapped up in this damn life.
"You should have always had a choice. It pisses me off that I tried to give you the chance to walk away and it was pointless. You're still here. You're still fucking here, so it didn't do any damn good in the first place." He kind of sounded wrecked, and Porchay wasn't sure what to make of that.
"You didn't give me the chance to leave," Porchay snapped back. "You took the chance to leave. You took every chance to leave, and yet, whenever you showed up again all I wanted to do was spend more time with you. I should have known better." Porchay snorted for a moment as he reflected on their history. "I probably did know better and just refused to consider and acknowledge it."
He still struggled thinking his way through it. How could he have been so stupid to think Kim was actually interested in him? He knew better. He knew his life wasn't some fairy tale fanfic.
"I didn't want to leave," Kim said. He was looking at Porchay again, face an open feast of emotions. "I just wanted you to be safe. Not being around me would keep you safe."
He sounded so sure, so convinced. He looked it too, like what he was saying mattered to him.
What a dumb ass.
"You're so stupid." It wasn't nice, but Porchay didn't feel like being nice. Not with his thoughts racing even faster than his heart.
"Well, yes. Obviously. If I wasn't, I would have ran the first time I realized I wanted to kiss you."
That stilled Porchay for a moment. He slipped down to be sitting on the edge of his bed and blinked a couple of times as he watched Kim curiously.
"You keep saying things like that," Porchay said. He went quiet again and watched Kim with careful eyes. Kim just stared back. He didn't add anything and let Porchay process as he watched on with a soft curious look. One he used to wear a lot when they spent time together.
"What am I supposed to do when you keep saying things like that?"
"Nothing," Kim said with a shrug. "Like I said, Chay, I just wanted to make sure you were okay and that it wouldn't be easy for anyone to get to your balcony." Kim glanced behind himself at the closed curtains. "Tankhun is probably the only person you need to worry about, but he doesn't scale walls for fun like I do."
"Oh my god, why are you this way?" Porchay said when the laugh escaped him.
He tried to smother it down, but failed dismally based on Kim's growing smile.
"I grew up in a really fucked up household. You do what you need to so you can survive."
That was true enough. Porchay didn't even have a retort for that. He'd seen how fucked up the compound was himself.
"Well, I'm here and theoretically safe. And you've checked my balcony for traps." Porchay tried to find his annoyance and carefree attitude again but the softness was blooming inside him the way it used to.
Kim looked behind him again, at the covered balcony doors, and nope. Nope. He wasn't-
"You're not leaving from the balcony. I will not be responsible if you fall jumping to the tree and break your damn neck. You can leave through my door," he said. They both turned to look at the bedroom door that was blocked with a nightstand.
Porchay really didn't trust sleeping here. While he would never be able to fight off one of the bodyguards if someone broke into his room at least he'd hear them try and hopefully be able to run.
Kim glanced down at his phone thoughtfully before eyeing the door. He was clearly doing some kind of math in his head before he turned his big beautiful eyes on Porchay.
"The guards don't change over for another forty three minutes," he said carefully. "It wouldn't be good if my father heard I was in here. He'll have all sorts of nosy questions and I'd rather not put you on his radar. Do you mind if I stay until then?"
"Might as well," Porchay said. He tried to ignore the bubbling feeling when Kim's smile grew.
For a long moment, Kim continued to stand in the middle of his room wordless until Porchay sighed. There was no where for him to sit long term, but Kim standing there was starting to feel awkward.
Porchay waved him to the other side of the bed, the one closest to the door.
Kim's shock did something to sooth the annoyance in Porchay's chest. So did his carefully cautious steps towards the bed.
"Are you sure?"
"Kim, shut the fuck up and do as I said. Take off your shoes and coat and come sit here."
They didn't speak as Kim slipped off his shoes and draped his coat along the remaining nightstand. Then they settled sitting on the bed beside each other.
Porchay stayed where he was, sitting against his pillows and headrest and staring at the wall across from them. He felt the bed dip and move as Kim settled beside him and tried to calm his breathing at the feel of him so close.
He still smelled the same. There was no reason he wouldn't. Kim was a creature of habit after all. But for some reason, Porchay hadn't been expecting that.
They stayed quiet for a long moment.
Eventually, Porchay turned his head and caught Kim blatantly staring at him.
"You fucked with my head," Porchay finally said. There were a lot of things he had wanted to say to Kim over the the past few months. A lot of that was intentionally hurtful, so he did his best to smother it down.
"I know," Kim admitted. He didn't look away from Porchay. "I didn't want to. I wanted to be in and out. Just get the information on Porsche and leave you alone." He sounded remorseful, hesitant, and damn, Porchay wanted to wrap himself around Kim and keep him close.
"But?" He asked instead of following every instinct he had.
"But," Kim said with another smile. It was the soft one that Porchay had gotten used to through their months together. "But nothing, Chay. Have you met you? Have you spent five minutes around you? It was addicting. I never stood a chance."
"You need to stop saying things like that," Porchay said with desperation creeping into his voice. "I'm going to start believing you again, and I really don't want to do that."
"I wish you would," Kim said from where he was stretched out along Porchay's bed. "I don't regret it. Maybe you wished I did, but I don't. I'd most likely do it exactly the same way if I had to repeat it. I'll do anything I can to keep my brothers safe. And, Porchay? I'll do everything to keep you safe. At the time, that's what I thought I was doing."
"You can't mean that," Porchay said. He had wanted Kim's apology. He wanted Kim to weep and grieve and beg. He'd wanted to know that Kim felt a fraction of the pain that Porchay did. He didn't necessarily need all of that now. He needed Kim with him fully and honestly.
"Of course I do," Kim said. "I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, but here we are. I want to keep the people I love safe."
"So you scale walls and break hearts to do it?" Porchay tried to force levity back into his voice, tried to make this lighter than it felt with the weight of their conversation heavy on his chest.
“Whatever it takes, Chay." He'd missed hearing Kim say his name in that soft and adoring tone of his. It had always felt so warm and full of affection. It still did.
“What am I supposed to do with that information, Kim?”
“You don’t have to do anything with it,” Kim said. "I just want you to know that I didn't send that song to hurt you further. I sent it because I love you and everything I tried to keep you safe failed."
“I don’t think you can keep me safe,” Porchay said. “Not here, anyway.”
“It’s a lot harder," Kim admitted. "But I’ve paid enough people that it should mostly work out.” He didn't sound remotely repentant when he shared that information. It was just another practical thing he'd done to try and keep Porchay safe.
"You've paid off people that work for your family?"
What he wanted to add was isn't that kind of thing what got your family into the mess they were in a few months ago? But he didn't broach that. He just watched Kim look smug and more than a little pleased with himself.
"Well, there's a difference between working for the family and working for me. And enough people know my… reputation that they don't want to risk pissing me off."
"What?"
"You haven't heard?" He sounded a little amused now, his beautiful eyes lighting up beside Porchay. He still hadn't been able to look away.
"Honestly, when people start talking about you I stop paying attention." It had been a defense mechanism he'd started to stay sane. Now he wondered what stories he'd missed out on.
"That's fair. And probably for the best. I was rather blood thirsty growing up." He paused and Porchay saw his lips quirk. "That hasn't really changed. It's the life and the trauma. It's faded somewhat thankfully. Most of the bodyguards here don't know that, and the ones that do have been on my bank roll for years keeping an eye on my brothers. Well, besides for Khun's guards. I never could bribe them. Thankfully, that worked out anyway because they love him and don't want to see anything happen to Tankhun."
"You tried bribing Pol and Arm?" He didn't know what surprised him more - that Kim had tried, or that Kim had thought it would work.
"And Pete. It didn't work for any of them. That was my introduction to failing something, actually. Thankfully, Kinn always made sure he had the best."
"And Arm's in love with him." It had been easy enough to pick on after a couple of hours around the group. The way Arm looked at Tankhun screamed his obvious affection.
"No, Pol is," Kim said automatically as he shook his head at Porchay.
"No, it's definitely Arm."
“Listen, I don’t want to make a habit of telling you you're wrong, but Pol is absolutely in love with him.”
The two of them squinted at each other for a long moment in disagreement. Then, unexpectedly to both of them, Porchay started laughing.
"Oh, wow, your brother has more game than you and Kinn combined!" He laughed some more as Kim pouted at him. "He has Arm and Pol both wrapped around his fingers. Good for him."
“P’Khun always was the smartest of us,” Kim finally gave in. He shimmied against the pillows again as he grinned over at Porchay. “He’d put puzzles together at a speed that made everyone jealous both before and after his kidnapping.”
Porchay hummed thoughtfully feeling lighter than he had in a long while.
“Have you ever had a bodyguard in love with you?” He asked as casually and calmly as possible. He was both relieved and amused when Kim instantly shook his head with a disgruntled look on his face. "Are you sure? You're rather clueless about these things."
“Just because I don’t understand those weird memes you kept sending me doesn’t mean I wouldn’t realize if one of my guards was in love with me. I’m not that clueless.”
“I literally don’t believe you,” Porchay was laughing as he said it.
“I was aware that you had a crush on me,” Kim countered.
"That is not the gotcha you think it is," he laughed again as Kim deflated dramatically. "And besides, I was aware of your terrible flirting.
“Terrible, you say. And yet, somehow, it worked," Kim said. The pleased grin was back on his face as he winked at Porchay.
They were sitting shoulder to shoulder now, legs stretched out over Porchay’s bed. He wasn't sure when they'd moved so close to each other or when their hands started touching as they talked.
"Are you really not sleeping?" Kim asked, drawing the levity out of their conversation with his concern.
"Mostly," Porchay admitted. "This place is a fortress and the house was… well. I was kidnapped from there. So, I can't really sleep there either."
He can't really sleep most places. He'd tried though.
As he tried to settle into the compound, he'd assumed it was the strangeness of everything around him that caused the lack of sleep. The bed in his new room was cushier than his own at home, and the room itself was filled with everything that could make him feel like he belonged there. A new computer set up, a study station for school, endless amounts of clothes that were too expensive for Porchay's taste. It would be perfect if it didn't feel so lifeless.
He'd added a few of his own personal belongings as well, but it hadn't really helped the room feel like anything other than a shell to house him in.
He still wasn't able to sleep.
He'd tried sleeping at his house after a long week of tossing and turning in the eerie silence of his compound bedroom.
Unfortunately, he found he couldn't sleep there either. The uncomfortably itchy feeling of not safe not safe not safe wouldn't go away.
Theoretically, that feeling wasn't correct.
Porchay should be perfectly safe in the house.
After all, Porsche had guards stationed there any time Porchay wanted to go back. There was even one that inspected the house regularly as a precaution for when the brothers weren't there to make sure nothing unsavoury was happening.
He had learned the hard way that no amount of mafia bodyguards could help Porchay feel safe.
He'd been blissfully delusional in assuming he'd be able to relax in the same place he'd been kidnapped from mere months ago.
He'd tried sleeping in his bed with no luck. He'd tried Porsche's bed next, and after a few hours of tossing and turning, he tried the couch.
The couch had been the worst. The entire time he'd been trying to sleep all he could think about was Kim's "I'm hungry" after Porchay had bared his foolishly hopeful heart.
So, yes, Porchay wasn't sleeping.
“I can get you your own apartment?” Kim offered. That earnest tone was back with zero hesitation. “Somewhere you haven’t been before with trusted security? Non family security. Maybe that will help?”
"I'm not letting you buy me an apartment just because you feel bad about the situation I'm in."
It was tempting though. Something completely free of the mafia? Something that didn't come with chains? He wished he could say yes.
"Okay, well, I have a couple that are empty then. Take your pick of any of those. There's even one close to the university."
"No, hell no, Kim. I'm not doing that either."
"You need to sleep, Chay! You need to be somewhere you feel comfortable enough to sleep. When's the last time you actually slept through the night?"
He opened his mouth, closed it again, and met Kim's curious eyes with his own. What would Kim say if he told the truth? He kind of wanted to find out.
"The night we slept at my house on the couch."
And there Kim was, looking cracked open with grief as he stared back.
He blinked a couple of times as he clearly looked for words.
"Okay, then we go back there, and you can sleep. I'll leave Big at the door to make sure no one interrupts you."
"It wasn't about the house, Kim. It was about feeling safe with you."
"I —- oh," Kim said. Porchay was delighted to see the odd flush on his cheeks.
"I usually pass out eventually," he offered. He could see emotions racing across Kim's face too fast for him to pin anything down. "A couple of hours is better than nothing."
He slept more on the nights he gave in and put his WIK playlist on. The one he'd carefully crafted over the years with each new release to amplify streaming while he slept.
"If you feel like sleeping, you should do that," Kim said quietly. "I can see myself out once the guards change over."
"Yeah, okay," Porchay said. He didn't sleep though he did lay down across his bed with his head propped up by his pillows.
"How's school going?" Kim asked when the silence stretched on too long between them.
Porchay snickered and blinked up at him. "It's going fine."
"I remember first year being hell," Kim admitted. He closed his eyes momentarily before opening them to grin at Porchay again. "I'd fought tooth and nail to go for music. There had been so many shouting matches."
Porchay found it hard to believe that Korn ever shouted. He always seemed to controlled for that kind of emotional display.
"What did your father want you to take?"
"Business," Kim said with an eye roll. "Something useful to help the family, you know?"
"But you won?" He'd always been curious about everything regarding Kim, and now that he seemed to be getting the truth it was hard to resist asking.
"Yeah, but only because of Kinn. He took on our father's wrath in order to let me take the program I wanted. He even helped me set up my first apartment outside of the compound."
"Do you still have it?"
"No, but I can get it back if you want it."
Porchay whacked at him and then let his hand fall still where it rested on Kim's chest. It moved idly with the rise and fall of Kim's breathing.
"You need to stop offering me apartments."
"Chay, there is very little I wouldn't do to keep you safe. If finding you different housing does the trick, you can have your pick of every available apartment in the city."
"But that would entirely defeat the purpose of your father not knowing you were here. Or that you… care for me." Porchay raised his eyes to Kim's again.
"I'd figure it out."
They fell silent again.
"I'm still mad at you," Porchay said. It felt important to say, to put out there, while his hand tangled in Kim's shirt.
"I know," Kim said. "I deserve it."
"I'm still in love with you." He glanced up to see the relief spill over Kim's face at that.
"Thank gods." Kim had reached up, his own hand wrapping around Porchay's.
"I don't want to date you again," Porchay added. He felt Kim's body stop breathing under his hand as Kim opened his mouth before closing it again.
"Not yet, anyway," Porchay offered as an olive branch. "I'm still mad, and that's not a good place to be to start a relationship."
"That's… that's fair," Kim said. Porchay hummed his agreement. "But does that mean…" Kim trailed off and Porchay smiled.
"That means one day, I'd like to date you again."
"Okay."
"I just need some time to get over being mad and hurt. It's not always easy."
"Okay." Kim seemed to have run out of words for the first time that night. Porchay wanted to clap himself on the back.
"You should just sleep here tonight," Porchay added. He smiled when Kim squeaked another "okay."
They fell into silence again with Porchay's hand still tangled in Kim's shirt and pressed to his chest. Kim's own hand holding it there as they lay snug beside each other.
It wasn't long before Porchay gave up, rolled over, and tucked himself into Kim's side. The warmth of Kim was everything he wanted. He placed a kiss on the back of Kim's hand before letting it drop back down and let himself be dragged off into a peaceful sleep.