Chapter Text
The morning was grey and unobtrusive.
My ride to work was the usual commute; cornfields, beige warehouses, flat and endless land.
The schoolbus was an overstimulating mess and I already wanted this day to end.
I closed my eyes and when I opened them I was in the last quarter of biology class.
We dissected a sheep's lung. Generously donated to us by one of the local farmers from the area.
I watched as the lung shrunk and expanded as other students were given the turn to blow air into the organ.
While silent and distracted I kept having the feeling of eyes on the back of my head.
Only when I was zoning out would they come back.
On and off for the rest of the day. It was weird.
Relief finally came to me in the form of our school's jazz band.
There was practice today and while I did not play an instrument, the band would be performing on the school's stage.
It was my job to make sure the speakers were connected, the parcan’s placed appropriately and the microphones synced up.
I always felt lucky that I got the chance to join the AV club.
Originally I was scared to approach the idea. The other members themselves weren’t too thrilled to have me be there. But with our schools pushing towards an “all clubs should be inclusive” gimmick I was officially let in.
The other guys were jerks, and tended to make things harder for me.
Giving me the endless jobs of moving speakers and winding up cable.
Not bothering to offer any help whatsoever.
That didn’t matter now as I was here doing my job and enjoying it too.
The jazz director was going over who would be chosen for solos while I watched from behind the drum kit waiting to be of help.
I doodled some ideas for a stage setup themed around volcanoes in my sketch book.
The speakers had been cast in a facade of red volcanic rock, with red LEDs flowing down to the front of the stage to mimic the look of molten lava.
The band started then stopped abruptly, the director shaking his head.
“Strings, strings! What are you guys doing? I want it to be up…”
I tried to drown out his shrill voice, leaning to catch the light cast over the drums.
“Hey.”
Some of the other students were probably gossiping while the director talked, typical.
“Hey!”
I stopped drawing and glanced around.
“Over here!” someone laughed.
It was the drummer. I blinked twice, “hmm?”
He was the first person who’d spoken to me all day (besides the teachers).
I was waiting for him to ask a technical question but instead he said.
“What are you drawing?”
I unconsciously tried to cover it up.
“Uhh… just, just doodling.”
“Oh, well can I see?”
I didn’t want to be rude, so I pulled the sketch book away and held it out to him.
He leaned over letting his long dark fall past his shoulders.
“Woah, cool. Are those supposed to be speakers?”
Nodding I was hesitant to smile in this situation.
“That's sick man.”
The smile came naturally.
“Thank you” I mumbled.
“You're in the AV club right?” he said.
“Mmm hmm.”
He smirked, “must be pretty boring, sitting and waiting for something to go wrong. You don’t even get to join in with the band, you just have to watch other people play.”
“Its not so bad.”
I think he expected me to laugh.
We both watched as the director singled out each violin to play the bridge.
“So,” he spoke again.
“Cause you're in the AV club, you got the keys to the music room right?”
I nodded again.
“Well since you seem so cool compared to other AV douchebags, would you mind letting me and my friends play in the music room after school tomorrow?”
And like that our previous interaction meant nothing.
Of course I should have known he just wanted something from me.
“Uh… s-sure I guess.”
He grinned “thanks so much dude!”
I stared down at my sketchbook, it was open to a blank page.
I walked the long way home after school.
It always felt good to fit some exercise into my day.
When I get home I do crunches and pull-ups. I found out online that you can reduce body fat in areas like the chest if you work out everyday. In one of my dads sports magazines, fit muscular woman flexed and showed off their near-adroginous bodies and small boobs like they were something to be proud of.
I wish I could look like them.
I wish bodies could be reset and molded into however you wanted without punishing exercise.
Well for now I’d have to settle for 20 minute walks, dieting and protein powder.
I took a gulp of cold air as I watched people walk by on the other side of the street.
My gaze lingered on the only Adult store in town.
Low grimey with blackout blinds, and a neon pink sign.
It was odd, but I guess in a sea of beige buildings it was something to look at.
Someone exited the store and I quickly kept on.
Not long ago I had nearly ran into a kid who used to go to my school at that exact spot.
Well, ‘run in’ isn’t the best way to describe it.
I suspected that he worked there at the adult store.
Seeing him from across the street on a day like today.
We made eye contact for an uncomfortably long time.
I knew, and well, pretty much everyone else in the school knew that he had dropped out.
Having been held back once, he took the same science class I was in last year.
He was your typical class clown, prying for attention with his antics.
As you can expect we were paired together on every group assignment.
The teacher assumed that somehow by pairing up the quiet kid and the loud rowdy one would negate the classroom carnage.
Instead it just made things worse for me.
He would barely pay attention during class and I’d have to lend him all my notes.
When doing projects I would always get shafted with all the work while he’d make up some half-assed excuse on why he was late or had to leave early.
It got on my nerves, but for a long time he was the only one talking to me.
He asked about my doodles and thought they were scary but super rad.
Even if the main reason for that was we were class partners. I didn’t care.
He was one of the few people to treat me like a person.
I nearly tripped from speed walking, but collected myself and kept going.
My dads house was just around the corner.
His name was Corey. One month into 11th grade he stopped showing up to school.
I felt bad about not asking him anything more personal, or just something more sympathetic.
A “how are you doing?” or, “do you wanna keep talking after class?”
No, my opportunity for friendship was snubbed as soon as he left.
The house was empty when I got home. Going straight to the kitchen I chugged a huge glass of water from the sink then went into my bedroom to do my after school workout.
Dad wouldn’t be home till much later, and when he did, he wouldn’t make it 3 feet before passing out on the couch.
You couldn’t blame him though working as an electrician sounded hard. At least to me it did.
Since I barely saw him we treated each other like roommates at this point.
Leaving notes on what groceries to get, if the garbage had to be taken out, or if we were running out of dish soap.
On a rare occasion when we were in the same room I told him how I’d like to become an electrician too. I think that was the first time I saw him smile since mom left.
After finishing my sit-ups I laid down in bed, putting on my headphones to listen to my Pigface cd. I had a nap, I was so exhausted.
I wonder what it's like to listen to music with someone else?
Thursday morning.
I didn’t get much sleep last night but that's normal.
Sometimes it feels like my heart beats too loud for my own body.
Standing absently in the halls I wonder if other people can hear it too?
Someone shoves by me and I trip falling to the ground.
I catch myself on my hands, but already I can hear people stifle their laughter.
No one stops to help me up in a sea of people.
I stand and go to my class.
That feeling of eyes on me slowly comes back.
It's itching my neck as I speed up down the hall.
4:00 pm, he was supposed to be here at 3:45, but I guess nobody cares about tardiness anymore.
I spent my time milling about the hallway that connected to the music room, trying to finish the rest of my cd from yesterday.
I look through the window as a very beat up van drives into the parking lot.
Once it stops, the drummer hops out from the front passenger seat, he's followed by three much larger boys all laughing and shoving each other around.
Great.
I pray that whatever they’re about to do here isn't too destructive.
Or whatever they're about to say doesn’t follow me home tonight.
The long haired drummer waves upon seeing me behind the door.
I open it as the four boys come inside.
We walk to the music room's door, the others still in some excited conversation.
The drummer walks up to me.
“Thank you again for doing this, really means a lot.”
“You're welcome.”
I pull the key ring around and find the proper one.
“This’ll probably only be a one time thing anyway, just to check out some nicer equipment before we decide to go all in and buy a better setup. Heh, never realised how expensive it is being in a band.”
“Uh-huh.”
I could hear him shuffle his feet behind me as I got the door open.
His friends quickly walked in with us as they all oohed and aahed the band equipment.
I felt a small twinge of pride in that.
Everything was put away already and locked up, but the piano was still out and one of his friends went straight for it.
He was quieter than the other two, he also looked much closer to my age.
I wonder why I hadn’t seen him in school before.
“By the way,” the drummer was next to me “my names-”
“Nathan,” I said. I’d heard the band director call on him many times.
He chuckled wryly “no one calls me that unless you're my mom, it's Joey.”
“Oh. sorry, my names ______”
I quickly noticed that his two taller friends were looking at us and chuckling as well.
One of them walked over and I was a little unprepared for how close he got.
“Hey! Joey told us about you, thanks for letting us sneak in here and use the place as a practice studio,” he smiled warmly.
He had short brown hair and a nose ring. Now he definitely wasn’t a student here, he looked like he was in his early 20s.
“Yeah, we totally won’t wreck everything when we’re done” said his other friend, he was also very tall and had long black hair.
I guess my expression caused them to worry.
“Oh don’t listen to him! We won’t break anything! …Or we’ll try not to.”
I nodded, giving them both a tight smile.
Joey elbowed him away, “they’re joking they would never break anything cause then they’d have to pay for it.”
He gestured towards the guy with the nose ring who had now walked over to the piano.
“That's Paul.”
He pointed at the intimidating guy with black hair “the yelling asshole is Mick.”
“And behind the piano is Craig. They’re my band, Slipknot.”
I now noticed the beautiful melody that had been filling the room since we entered.
Craig was way better than our resident pianist in the jazz band.
“Can you unlock one of the practice rooms for us?”
Nodding he followed me to the back, where our three sound proof practice rooms were.
I went to the one I knew already had a drum kit set up in it.
Joey seemed to know where I was going.
He called for his friends, and we were then in the cramped gray room together.
Having that familiar feeling of awkwardness crawl up my spine, I slipped out while the four of them got comfortable in there.
Craig had seemingly already brought a small casiotone keyboard with him.
Guess that made up for the lack of a piano in there.
I was halfway through my sketch of the volcano stage when art block hit me.
I spent a bit of my time re-organizing the choir booklets in the other room to kill time when I heard someone come in.
I turned around expecting Paul or Mick ready to give me a half-assed apology for breaking the mic stand, but it was Craig.
“Oh, hi,” I said.
He nodded in my direction.
“You, uh, n-need something?”
“Yeah, the keyboard I forgot its cord at home.”
Craig's voice was very monotone.
I got up and we went to the storage room, I could tell he was a little embarrassed at the request.
It was dark inside and I was about to flick the light on out of convenience for Craig when he stopped me.
“Hey, you can leave the lights off. I can see everything.”
“Okay.”
We stepped carefully around the heavy speakers and cases, and I found a large bin of AC cables. I dug around in them and pulled out a small 25 foot one.
“Here this should be good. Just remember to return it when you guys are done.”
“Sure” I could hear a slight smile in his voice.
“Also thanks for letting us use the space.”
Me and Craig walked back to the practice room, so I decided to follow him this time.
I was a little curious to see what they were up to.
Once the door opened they had just put down their instruments.
“Craig! I see you got some help” said Paul.
He glanced in his direction and nodded, taking a seat on the only swivel chair in the room.
The boy plugged in and hooked up the keyboard to power. Turning it on and already going through some static presets on the board.
“Hey you wanna watch us play?”
My attention snapped to Joey “huh? Oh uh, its ok, its kind of cramped in here-”
“Jesus Christ you're so right” Mick sighed.
“How am I supposed to stretch out my legs, play the guitar and stare at Paul the whole time, when this room feels like a sound-proof coffin?”
“A really nice sound proof coffin” Joey chimed.
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
Paul pointed at me.
“Oh my goodness you can smile!”
“Huh? What?” my body went rigid.
He waved his hand “I’m joking dude, relax. You make it too easy for us to mess with you.”
“Yeah, you do” grumbled Mick who was shredding riffs on the unplugged electric guitar.
I sighed “uh-huh, I’ll-I’ll go.”
Rushing out the room a little too fast I caught the start of Joey admonishing Paul and Mick.
“Come on guys, you're gonna scare her away….”
I stayed in the main band room while the rest of them practiced with the school's instruments.
It had been an hour and a half, and since then I only saw Mick leave to go to the washroom, and Craig asking me if we had our own keyboard at the school.
I helped him set up a small spot in the practice room with both boards connected to a power bar so they’d sit adjacent to him.
The other guys seemed to ignore me.
It was 5:20 when they were ready to go.
Joey stopped me in the hallway as the others headed out to the van.
“Hey thanks for this, it was really nice to play in there with some of my actual friends for once.”
I gave him a half-smile as I locked the door.
“Oh that reminds me!”
He reached in his pocket only to groan in frustration.
“Hold on…”
Joey ran towards Paul who was half-way out the door when he grabbed him and shoved his hand into his friend's hoodie pocket.
He pulled out a small slip of paper.
“Here! This is for you.”
It was a ticket.
“For my band, this weekend we’re playing a show. You should totally come, and don’t worry we’ve got lots of free tickets, mainly to get people in front of the stage.”
I smiled again.
“Alright, sure why not?”
Joey was very happy about my answer.
“Awesome! See you then!”
The Invitation
I stared at the ticket on my bedside table, I couldn't even get some crunches in when I got home. My mind was too preoccupied with what was coming this weekend.
Why did I say yes?
To be polite of course, but did I really want to go?
I stretched out on my bed and rolled onto my back.
The curiosity was strong.
Seeing Joey’s band play live might be worth the risk, I never did get to hear what they sounded like on Thursday.
Based on the vibe of his friends I assumed they were some kind of Megadeth cover band.
… With someone on a keyboard.
Odd but still a little more original from the handful of rock and country bands that littered the town.
I made the decision that I would go.
Whatever embarrassing and awkward moments it had in store I would deal with them when I got to them.
My bedroom ceiling was chipped and flaking.
Going fuzzy as my eyes slowly closed finally letting sleep take me.
On Friday I bumped into Joey again.
It felt a little too coincidental that I ran into him as soon as I turned the corner to the library.
He confirmed whether I was going to be at the venue this weekend.
He also ventured as to why I was going to the library at lunch.
“To study” I lied.
The day came and went and it was finally the weekend.
My usual time spent on Saturday and Sunday was at my garage, the public library, or the school theatre.
Come to think of it, this was the first time I would be going out to do something most would consider ‘fun.’
While I thought the library was a lot of fun.
I didn’t tell dad because I didn’t see him, but now that I’m on my way there I’m starting to re-think that decision.
Looking at the ticket again revealed more closely that doors would open at 8pm.
I usually went to bed at 9pm.
Well, I’ll figure out a way home later.
Hopefully the buses ran late on Saturday.
The walls were thumping like they had veins.
I could hear my heart beat in my ears.
Maybe coming here was a mistake. I would have preferred to be at the bar because it was much less crowded. But I’m still 16 and not allowed.
I had gotten a glass of water earlier and was resigned to standing near a support beam that was my only pocket of reassurance in a crowd.
The song ended and it went slightly quieter now.
The opening band said they were taking a break and left the stage.
Tonight was a triple billing and Joey’s band was on after.
A small period for their setup started and I scanned the room for anyone remotely familiar.
A few other kids from school were sprinkled here and there, but it was mostly strangers.
Suddenly I saw Paul walking swiftly towards me.
He should have warned me next time with how quickly he got into my personal space.
“Hey! There you are, glad you could make it.”
I smiled, “It's very loud.”
“What? Oh right” he chuckled “not like the practice rooms huh? I do prefer it on stage with everyone screaming their heads off, if it's too quiet it feels like I’m breaking the rules by making any noise.”
“I never thought about it like that.”
“So, are you excited to see us play?”
“Yes!” I put a little more enthusiasm in my voice to prove it.
“Alright!” he gently patted me on the shoulder.
“Don’t get too crazy or we’re gonna call the cops to drag you out of here!”
I choked on my water when he said that, trying to hold back a laugh.
Making me laugh or smile probably felt like a competition for him.
“Well enjoy the show, I expect to see you upfront head banging, alright?”
I nodded and he left to go and talk to some other people.
After waiting for another minute the crowd started up again.
I looked to the stage expecting to see the guys, but it was just the previous band coming back for an encore.
Once the drums came in that's when the crowd really started to move, and that's when I realized the immediate danger I was in.
While I’d been talking to Paul I’d strayed away from the support beam.
Now I was within the mound of bodies, all of them quickly closing in on me.
It was a suffocating enclosure of sweat and flashing lights, my paper cup now long gone.
I struggled to get away and above the crowd, but as the music rose so did the mob mentality.
Covering my eyes I did the stupidest thing and tried to crouch into a ball.
That's when I felt two strong hands on my shoulders.
They pulled me up and pushed me through the people.
All sound draining away as a door clicked behind.
Nothing but the heart beat permeated through the walls.
I opened my eyes.
“Shit are you-are you ok?” said Paul.
We were somewhere in a backroom, I could partially see the back of the bar through a door window from here.
“Hey look at me” he snapped his fingers till we were face to face.
“Ehh .... “ he cringed, “you're not hurt, at least not on your face. You don’t look too good though.”
I still felt the noise vibrating through my body, and not in a good way. I clenched my eyes shut and forced myself to take a deep breath.
I heard Paul make a small noise of concern, and he reached his arm around my shoulder as he led me wobbling down into a dim hallway.
From the sound of it we were getting close to the front stage.
“Right here.”
We were in a small dressing room in the back and he guided me to a bench.
“And don’t worry you're allowed to be back here and if anyone says otherwise they're full of shit.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
He stood up and hastily left the room, most likely to prepare for their show.
It took a moment but I realized I wasn’t the only one in the dressing room.
There was an older girl sitting not 3 feet away from me.
We locked eyes.
“Are you ok?” she asked.
I was 90% sure that I was gonna get asked that same question for the rest of the night.
“Y-Yeah, I’m ok now” I sighed.
“Just a panic attack from getting caught in the crowd out there.”
Groaning out the words I rubbed my face.
“Not a big fan of the mosh pit I take it?”
“God no.”
She laughed. Her voice was light and melodic.
“I’m Nikki,” she held out her hand and I shook it.
I gave her my name and her next question caught me off guard.
“So are you Mick's little brother?”
“Huh? Oh no, I’m-I’m not anyone's little brother, I’m uh.. Well I know Joey from school, I helped him set up for practice before. I guess they gave me a ticket as compensation?”
“Wow, free tickets, nice. This is your first Slipknot concert then?”
“Yeah, I haven’t had a chance to listen to them before coming.”
She smirked “oh boy you're in for something special then.”
“W-What?”
“Just be prepared.”
Nikki was surprisingly a lot easier to talk to given the setting.
If I had met her at the bar I think my throat would have dried up.
Turns out she was Paul's girlfriend and shared my general dislike of being crushed to death.
We hung out in the dressing room before the current band was heard packing up.
There was a fuzzy feedback loop emitting from outside.
“Oh shit I think they're going on now!”
Getting out of the dressing room I followed Nikki around to the back.
Stagehands and other workers rushed past us as we came up to the side of the stage to stand with the rest of the venue's crew.
I was speechless at what I saw.
Joey pounded on the drums as the intro to their first song began.
His black hair whipped around his white featureless mask.
The other members joined in with droning guitars and bass.
A leather mask, a metallic hockey mask and pig mask glared out at the audience below, and they went ballistic.
The band struck into the heart of their song with headbangs synced together like a well oiled machine. The lead singer came out with growling grizzly bear vocals.
He wasn’t wearing a mask but he had some kind of leather bondage outfit around his chest.
The crowd screamed for more.
Sampled sounds of horror movies played through the speakers and I noticed that Craig stood at his keyboards right next to us.
His space-helmet had metal spikes taped to it.
There was a loud sharp bang as the bass dropped and a large guy in a clown mask was present slamming mallets onto what looked like a beer keg.
It was all so much yet I found myself grinning through their entire set.
The whole thing was pure insanity and I loved it.
My ears were ringing and my whole body was still shaking.
Nikki had taken me to get another glass of water after the guys finished on stage.
Due to the volume of remaining people I expected them to go out and mingle with the rest to keep the party going.
I did really want to stick with Nikki though.
Maybe she could give me a ride home?
We came back to the dressing room now joined by another girl, Rachel, who I assumed must also be a girlfriend.
It did annoy me though that I was assigned to this group, but I tried not to let that get to me. They were both very nice and I shouldn’t think like that.
I hung outside the dressing room in the hallway.
I would wait here until Nikki and Paul came out then ask for a ride.
Hopefully that wouldn’t be too long.
There was some yelling and laughing on the other side, and a very tall masked figure stumbled out. He was the other guitarist in the leather mask, not Mick.
He glanced around like he was looking for someone till his eyes landed on me.
His body language suggested that he was a little taken aback.
“Oh, hi,” he said.
I smiled back and folded my arms “hello.”
“Uhh, you haven’t seen a short guy with messy dreads and a blonde chick by any chance?”
I had to tilt my head just to meet his gaze.
“Nope sorry, just me out here.”
He sighed “thanks anyway,” and headed back in the room.
The wait was only 1 minute till the yelling started again.
“Why do you guys keep saying my brother is here? HE’S NOT HERE HE'S AT A HOCKEY GAME, YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING WITH ME!”
I instinctively lurched back at the stomping footsteps.
The door swung open and Mick's smudged angry face glared at me from the door.
Luckily someone grabbed him and yanked him back inside.
“You're such an asshole!” I heard followed by a hardy laugh.
Quickly Mick was replaced with a very disheveled yet excited Joey.
“Hey! Did you like the show?”
He was still full of energy despite looking like a cocker spaniel that fell into an oil slick.
“Y-Yeah,” I managed, “it was anarchy. I loved it.”
Joey beamed at my response.
“Yeah! You get it…”
He pivoted to go back into the dressing room before stopping on his heels.
“Oh, um we were gonna get out of here, head back to my friend Shawn's place and hang out, you wanna come?”
Yes.
“N-no sorry, I’m pretty exhausted.”
Joey nodded “right, right, uh, hey where do you live?”
“Across the bridge, two blocks south from the highschool.”
“Oh, Paul can drive you. Think he needs to drop off his girlfriend as well.”
Perfect, I got my ride home.
Joey told me to wait till the rest of the guys got their gear together then we’d all walk out to the parking lot.
I followed the gang of massive dudes trailing behind them trying to avoid getting crushed.
I told Craig how ominous he looked at his keyboards and how cool his spiky helmet was. He was very humble and promised to let me listen to some of the sample banks he used during the show.
Even Mick came up and apologized for earlier, although I had a feeling he was being told to.
We were almost at the car when I overheard the band members complaining about the vibe they got from the audience; ‘not their crowd,’ ‘only showed up cause other people dared them to,’ and ‘too many high school deucebags.’
Their lead singer was unusually silent compared to the rest of them, and left pretty quickly to his own vehicle once we were outside.
Everybody watching him leave in tension mired by cigarette smoke.
I hopped into the back of Paul's van after everybody said their “see you soons.”
I had a feeling that something was amiss in their band's inner workings.
Paul never showed any signs of a problem though. The whole drive there he and Nikki chatted about the venue and outfits the other members had worn. Pointing out Mick's pink puffy dress on stage that starkly contrasted with his personality.
I had almost forgotten about that.
“So do you think you’ll come to another show?”
“Oh absolutely” I answered.
“Alright!” Nikki fist bumped the air.
I could see Paul roll his eyes in the rearview mirror.
“Uh… I did think you guys could have looked better in some sharper lighting. Those Parcans-lights on that stage were pretty old and you could tell the light was too soft.”
I tried to restrain myself from getting too nerdy with the lighting terminology.
Paul turned his head to glance at me.
“You think so? Well I guess since you’ve worked on stage lights you would know. I should ask one of the guys to take a picture of us up there to see what we actually look like.
I’ll let Shawn know what you said.”
“That place was pretty grimey,” Nikki added.
I didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride, assuming I had embarrassed myself.
They dropped me off out front, watching me from the car till I reached my doorstep.
I wasn’t surprised to find my house empty.
It was 10:15 and dad would be getting in the door at 11.
Truth be told I was exhausted, collapsing onto my bed once I got to my room.
I don’t know how I could have kept going if I had said yes to Joey’s offer.
Diligently I got back up to brush my teeth.
The promise of a longer night still hung in the air.
Yet I didn’t feel I had earned the right to hang out with them.
Shutting off the bathroom light I crawled back into bed.
I doubt I’ll ever interact with any of them again.