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It's a sad day that Sirius pulls through and wakes up from his coma.
Remus sits next to his bedside, leisurely perusing through the fantasy novel. It's a classic hero tale; about a werewolf who overcomes his obstacles, his friends, defeats his enemies and gets the girl in the end. Too bad the muggle author doesn't know a single thing about werewolves - a moment in Remus's body and they would realize such a thing isn't possible for people like him.
Sirius cracks one eye open, and then the other. Remus watches as the look on his face changes from confusion, to panic, to recognition of his surroundings and Remus.
Sirius wheezes something; voice too parched to understand.
Remus sighs. He bookmarks his page, cracks open a bottle of water from and carefully helps Sirius grasp the bottle. It's been about two years since the Battle in the Department of Mysteries. Sirius's muscles should have atrophied by now, but his cousin Andromeda's husband Ted is a healer and volunteered to watch over Sirius as he battled the curse that knocked him out.
No one had thought Sirius would survive. Hell - the way Sirius would argue and question Dumbledore (in)actions and methods, no one in the Order of the Phoenix really wanted Sirius to survive, maybe except for Harry and Kingsley. That was Sirius - bold, arrogant and far more well connected that Remus would ever be despite spending over half his life imprisoned.
Water spills down the side of Sirius's chin, pooling in the crook of his neck and collarbone. Almost empty, the bottle falls out of Sirius's hand, soaking the bedsheets.
There's a napkin on the bedside table next to him. Remus doesn't get up to give it to him; the full moon had been two weeks ago and his joints still hurt - or rather, echoes of the aches after healing potions still persist.
"Harry," Sirius says, panic and concern in every syllable. "Moony, Harry- Is he okay? What happened-?"
Remus doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to break the news to Sirius, and have to deal with his outburst. But Dumbledore had asked, so Remus was here. He owes everything to Dumbledore for allowing him to attend Hogwarts. He hadn't been able to manage Sirius (and James) in their Hogwarts days, but he'd managed some before Sirius got himself cursed, at 12 Grimmauld Place during Harry's fifth year. Especially when Molly and Sirius got into their arguments over Harry.
After the Battle in the Department of Mysteries, Remus had come to see Sirius exactly once. To get out all the words choked up inside him for the past twenty years, since James Potter - the best thing that ever happened for Remus - died.
It wasn't fair that James liked and trusted Sirius more than Remus.
It wasn't fair that James and Sirius thought that Remus was the traitor.
It wasn't fair that once James started dating Lily, he had less and less time for Remus. That hadn't affected James's relationship with the other Mauraders though. Sirius, who was both James and Lily's best friend somehow weaseled his way into joining them on half their Hogsmeade dates. Peter clung to James's wizarding robes like a leech and got carried along. But Remus? No - they drifted apart. As James got busy moving in with Sirius and Lily and starting his career as a hit wizard, he had less and less time for Remus. In Hogwarts, it was always James inviting him to join in. When those invitations stopped a year or two after graduating Hogwarts - what was Remus suppose to do, ask if he could join? Intrude on their regular bar nights and show up at their apartment for flooTV evenings?
But most of all, it wasn't fair that James died thinking that Remus was the traitor. He would have never turned to Voldemort, not after a year of declining friendship, not after five, never.
None of it was fair. Remus wishes that it were Sirius that was dead, and James here. Or Harry, or Lily. Anyone, to get James back.
"Moony?" Sirius croaks.
Remus ignores his questions about Harry. "It's been two years, Sirius. You were cursed in the Department of Mysteries."
"Harry?" Sirius stubbornly asks again.
Remus wants to scream, to pull out his hair, to sink his teeth into something. He does not want to be here.
"He got out. Dumbledore got him out." Remus says.
Sirius visibly relaxes. "Where's he now?"
Remus looks away, fists clenching. He can't stand to sit in this room anymore, listen to Sirius dote over Harry, as if Harry could ever be a worthy replacement of James. Sirius had never realized that - but Remus had, from the beginning. That's why he never tried to visit Harry while he was at the Dursleys, why he never wrote to the boy, why he never got in-between whatever the Dursleys were doing to Harry that made the boy so desperate to get away from them. A single year of teaching Harry - never revealing that James was his best friend - but getting close enough to see the person that Harry was... it was enough to confirm it. Harry was a shadow, a mere candle to the sun that James had been. Harry could never replace James.
And soon Sirius will find that out in the hardest way possible.
"It's... complicated. Dumbledore will tell you when he visits." Remus stands up and heads for the door. "Ted has been looking after you, he'll probably be up in a bit."
With that, Remus leaves. He apparatus on the staircase straight to the new Order of the Phoenix headquarters to give Dumbledore his report. Hours later, they're interrupted by Andromeda's patronus asking for Dumbledore.
They have dinner with the Weasleys. Hermione is ghost pale, unspeaking. Molly is beside herself; one minute crying about the betrayal and losing her son, the next lashing out and demanding to know how he could've done such a thing. Ron's anger isn't quite as strong, but its there. Remus understands the anger; he feels it himself. He's sure they all do on some level. Even if some of the others choose to hide it.
Before they leave, Dumbledore pulls him aside. "Remus, how do you think Sirius will take the news? What Harry has done... it was a shock to all of us, and I fear due to his... attachment, he may not be objective."
Remus immediately shakes his head, no. "Sirius loves James. That's why he became Harry's godfather, that's why he protects Harry as fiercely as he does. He'll realize that Harry isn't half the man James was, like we all did."
Dumbledore gives Remus a look. "For all of our sakes, I hope you're right. Either way, I will require your help managing Sirius's... outburst."
"Of course." Remus promises. They apparate to the Tonk's safe house. Sirius is pacing back and forth in front of the Tonk's floo. Ted must've gone overboard with the potions and healing; Sirius looks as strong as he did the day he duelled Bellatrix; who's duelling prowess was second only to Voldemort - on the dark side.
Sirius sees them first, spinning on his heel. He strides towards Dumbledore looking furious, finger pointed.
"You! You were supposed to protect him-" Sirius snarls.
Remus gets in front of Sirius, hands out placating. "Sirius, please. Let's sit down-"
Sirius barely looks at him. He's so furious Remus can practically feel Sirius's magic bubbling with anger.
"Sirius-" Dumbledore tries.
"YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO PROTECT HIM!" Sirius yells. He grabs the front of Dumbledore's robes. Remus grabs Sirius and tries to push him into a seat - any seat; the dining chairs, the sofa, the love seat - but moving Sirius had always been like moving concrete walls; near impossible.
Dumbledore steps in, using his wand to disarm Sirius and shove him into the love seat. He walks over to the table and studies the newspaper. Remus glances over. It's another front page article about the boy who lived joining Voldemort. Standing at his left hand, too cowardly to look the camera in the eye. Bellatrix is smirking from Voldemort's right, and the dark lord himself has an arm over Harry, gripping his shoulder.
"Harry made his choices, Sirius." Remus says quietly.
"Choices?! You think this was a choice?" Sirius spits and fights against Dumbledore's spell. It holds. "Look at him, he's terrified!"
Remus looks. All he can see is a boy who betrayed them, who was too cowardly to do the right thing, who bears the physical traits of a man he isn't worthy of.
Dumbledore is still studying the page, an uncharacteristically sad expression on his face. Remus waits for Dumbledore to explain, but the great wizard says nothing, doesn't even turn to them.
It's up to Remus, then. He sits across from the loveseat.
"Sirius... look. A lot has happened while you were asleep. Voldemort took over, set up Snatchers to kidnap and prosecute anyone who had muggle blood. Dumbledore tried working with Harry - to train him, figure out what the connection was between them but he cracked."
"What?" Sirius says, no longer fighting Dumbledore's spell. He sounds devastated.
"Harry... he's not the boy we thought he was." Remus says carefully. "He left. Ran away in the middle of the night, left a note saying that there was no way we were going to win, Voldemort was too strong. He betrayed us, Sirius. Ran straight to Voldemort. Now he's the dark lord's left hand man. There was so few of us left, holding out hope that Harry, the boy who lived would defeat Voldemort again and he betrayed - not just us, but James's memory too."
Sirius is shaking his head, almost trembling with it. "No, no. I know Harry, he wouldn't, he would never-"
"James would never." Remus interrupts him. "But Harry isn't James."
"No," Sirius says, sounding desperate. "No, I know Harry. I know him. There's no way he would do this unless he was being forced."
"Harry can throw off a imperius better than most of the rest of his combined." Remus says, bitterly. "Sirius, you need to face it. Harry-"
"I know my godson. He would only do this if it was the only way to save someone he loved." Sirius, snaps. "Dumbledore, look at me. What the fuck happened?"
A loud crack sounds throughout the room, and Sirius stands up, wand summoned with wandless, wordless magic and Dumbledore's spell broken. He doesn't charge at Dumbledore again, instead chosing to tower over Remus and Dumbledore, staring Dumbledore down from across the room.
"This war extracts a heavy toll from all of us." Dumbledore says, uncharacteristically weary. He sits down on a dining room chair, hand propped up on the table and half hiding his face. Remus immediately feels for Dumbledore. There's no one else who's contributed more to the fight than Dumbledore.
"I knew it's toll on Harry would be heavy, and I tried to prepare him for it with the Dursleys, with his tasks and adventures at Hogwarts... alas, it wasn't enough." Dumbledore says, sounding beaten down and depressed. "I have miscalculated again."
"What was it that made him leave? What did you do?" Sirius demands.
Dumbledore remains silent.
Sirius waits a moment, and then scoffs. He summoms his boots and leather jacket and starts putting them on. "This is why James and Lily didn't trust you in the first war. You speak in riddles, and never give clear answers while people die around you. A single life, hell- ten, or a hundred lives don't matter to you. The only thing that matters is keeping your power and winning."
Sirius leaves the room, striding towards the front door.
Remus goes after him. "Sirius, wait - wait! You know why Dumbledore can't tell us everything - it's not safe. It's not for us to see the bigger picture; we need to do our part and trust in Dumbledore-"
"Bullshit! Harry is in danger and he - none of you are doing jack shit-"
"Harry isn't James!" Remus yells. It's the loudest he's ever been. The silence afterward is immense. "James is dead, Sirius. Dead! You went off on your own, cut Dumbledore out and look what it did: got James - our best friend killed. Saving Harry isn't going to bring James back. Harry isn't James, Sirius. The one you - the one we loved is gone."
For a moment, Remus thinks he got through to Sirius. Then the man turns around, a positively venomous look on his face. If looks could kill, Remus would be with James.
"Let's get one thing clear, Lupin." Sirius says, his voice quiet and deadly. He looks every inch the dark wizard he was raised to be.
"I have never mistaken Harry for James. I have never replaced James with Harry. I'm his godfather because I want to be. And I love him as if he were my own kid." Sirius lets go of the front door and towers over Remus. "And unlike you pathetic cowards, I'm not going to sit on my ass and whine that a 17 year old kid crumbled under the expectation of defeating a dark lord several generations older than him - who most adults are too fucking cowardly to even save his name."
The front door slams shut blowing cool fall air into the room before Remus gets his breath back. Dumbledore joins him in the foyer, and Remus realizes that he had pressed himself as far back as he could against the Tonk's round table. His hands cramp from gripping the table so hard.
For a moment, they stay silent. Losing Sirius is a blow - if only because he's one of their top duellers, right alongside Kingsley - and Kingsley had decades on the auror task force to hone his skills. Sirius had a year in hit wizard academy, three years on the force and sixteen years imprisoned, starved and comatose.
Dumbledore looks grave. "If he joins Voldemort-"
"He won't." Remus says, but he's less certain than before. "He... he might love Harry, but he still loves James. He'd never join his killer..." Right?
"Sirius's animagus form is very telling." Dumbledore replies. "A dog; man's best friend, or a guard dog - man's most loyal protector. Sirius's favourite person in the world is Harry, bar none. I had hoped that his affection for you, for Andromeda would have stayed his hand... alas."
"But he wouldn't join Voldemort." Remus's voice sounds weak, even to his own ears.
"Sirius broke out of Azkaban - a feat thought impossible by everyone including myself - not to avenge James by killing Pettigrew, but to protect Harry from Pettigrew. He starved himself to the bone, swam for days in the most dangerous sea in our world, evaded both muggle police and our best aurors just to keep Harry safe. There is no telling what he will do. Remus, I need to you follow him and tell me if he meets with Harry or any of Voldemort's followers."
"Yes sir." Remus says. Dumbledore flicks his wand and lights up the apparation coordinates that Sirius just traveled to. Remus cast an invisibility charm on himself and apparates.
Remus arrives at the ministry of magic. There's plenty of wizards and witches apparating in and out so his arrival goes unnoticed. He uses a tracking charm to catch up with Sirius, following the man to the elevator and down hallways.
Eventually, Sirius stops in front of an office. He looks down at his wand again, and ends a spell. A tracking spell, Remus realizes. Sirius attacks the wards with the finesse of a professional wood carver - every movement intentional and precise. He quickly carving out a weakness and slips inside.
The door slams shut before Remus can reach it. Bitterness chokes Remus. Two years in a coma, and Sirius can still move faster than Remus could ever with his lycanthropy. Nevermind all the physical therapy and potions Sirius and Mrs. Weasley used to recommend. He presses his ear against the door - nothing. The doorknob is locked. His eavesdropping charms do nothing. Finally, he pulls out two Weasley Wizarding products: extendable ears, and a slime that let's him see through doors.
Inside Remus spots Sirius, still at the edge of the door, and Harry standing behind the desk. The boy's expression is unbelieving, fearful.
Good, Remus thinks angrily. They've all suffered under Voldemort's reign - even him, despite Voldemort's government being kinder to werewolves than all the previous ones combined thanks to his alliance with Greyback. Harry was their only hope at defeating Voldemort and he abandoned them.
"Sirius." Harry says, voice audibly affected. "I thought- you- everyone said-"
"I lived." Sirius says. His voice isn't the terrifying quietness or the loud angry yelling from the Tonk's place. This is something else entirely - disapproval, cautiousness, concern, hope. "Harry -"
Sirius extend his arms, and Harry rushes him, colliding with his face pressed in the crook of Sirius's neck. Remus can see how tightly Harry is holding on, how Sirius cards his fingers through Harry's hair, rubs his back soothingly and presses kisses to the top of his head. Remus looks away.
They stay like that long enough for Remus's joints to start cramping. He shifts his weight, and leans against the wall.
So quiet, Remus almost misses it.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius."
Sirius draws back, a strangeness in his voice. "What for, exactly?"
"Everything." Harry sounds miserable. "Its my fault you got cursed in the Department of Mysteries. Dumbledore told me what's keeping Voldemort alive, and how to kill him but Sirius - its impossible. We'd need several Dumbledore's at full strength to do it, and years to get it done."
"Harry, that wasn't your fault, pup. I made a choice to protect you, with my life on the line. Its not a choice id ever regret okay?"
Remus watches as Sirius holds Harry's chin, keeping his gaze until Harry nods.
"As for the rest of it... That's why you're here, an office in Voldemort's government, standing at his side on the cover of the Daily Prophet?"
Harry flinches.
"It's- I can't even begin to tell you how bad a decision that is, Harry! You're lucky you're still alive. You're going to have to explain that one to me, after we leave, pup."
Harry steps back, eyes watery. "I can't, Sirius. I can't."
"Why not?"
"There's - it's the connection between me and Voldemort." Harry traces his lightning bolt scar. "I can't tell you everything or specifics because Voldemort put a curse on me but - this connection? It more than just a door for mind magics. It keeps himself alive. He can track me, anytime, anywhere, and I him. Along with other... other..."
"People? Things?" Sirius guesses, but Harry is frozen with the curse.
"... it's um. Point is, I have to die to kill Voldemort. And I'd - I would have done it, but I'm not the only... the only... it would've been in vain."
Harry expression is pleading for Sirius to understand. Sirius on the hand looks horrified and pale.
"You... you have to die to defeat Voldemort?"
The expression on Sirius's face is too much - Remus has to look away, a lump in his throat. Sirius trembles, knees nearly giving out. He crumbles into the chair opposite Harry's desk.
Harry nods miserably. "I'd do it, I swear, but only if it would actually kill-"
"Don't. Harry, no, stop. Please. I can't... I can't lose you." Sirius begs. "There has to be another way."
"Dumbledore told me he looked for years, and couldn't find anything. I have to-"
"No, no you don't. Harry-" Sirius's voice breaks. Harry hugs him, and this time it's Sirius pressing his head against Harry's chest.
Several moments pass before Sirius speaks up again. "This is why you joined him."
Harry is quiet for a moment, leaning back against the desk, one hand tangled with Sirius's. "No, but it's what made me think Voldemort would want me in his ranks. It's... you missed it, but about a year ago, Dumbledore was... hit with a curse. It weakened him to the point where Voldemort could take over. Except he didn't stop at the British Wizarding Ministry - he, well him and and his followers started wiping out muggles in mass. I mean like, I was having nightmare visions of fiendfyre destroyed entire muggle towns, every night. The IWC declared a state of emergency over Britain, and sealed the entire country off magically - no one in or out. No information in or out. Millions died before the Daily Prophet stopped reporting it. Voldemort... he's insane. Beyond insane."
"I didn't see any of that in the papers." Sirius responds, but his voice isn't doubtful or accusing.
"I convinced him to stop by joining, and Voldemort had the death eaters destroy pretty much everything with history from the last few decades. I told Voldemort about the... the connection between us and that Dumbledore knew. Voldemort knew that Dumbledore would kill me to get to him... so I set my price to come willingly. No more mass murders. And I learned to use the... the connection. I can tell he hasn't gone behind my back and to the best of his knowledge his followers haven't either."
"You did a good thing, pup." Sirius says, a strange warm tone in his voice. "Foolish, but brave. I wish you went into hiding."
"I don't know about that." Harry says. "I've been looking into what they've been doing instead and it's... its horrible, Sirius. They're not dead or dying but the way they're being treated-"
"You still did more than anyone else, including the entire Order of the Phoenix." Sirius murmurs. He reaches up to hold Harry's chin, using his thumbs to pet the corners of Harry's face.
"I thought you would hate me, if you ever woke up." Harry says, sagging against desk.
"I could never. Never, you hear me pup? I'm not leaving you to Voldemort's mercy by yourself either."
"Sirius-"
"Voldemort was looking to recruit Blacks, back in the day. It's one if the reasons why I ran away to your dad's."
"You'd do that, for me?"
"Harry, everything I've done - including staying in that hellhole at Grimmauld Place - has been for you. Keeping you safe is my only priority. I'm not giving up on the war; if the tides change and I see an opportunity, I'll take it and bring you with me. Beyond that, my place is protecting you."
"... he won't believe that you suddenly support his cause."
"Not that cause, you. He knows I'll protect you with my life. And if he needs you to stay alive, he'll want to assign people to protect you. My guess is that none of his death eaters could be trusted not to kill you the moment his back is turned."
Stomach churning, Remus removes the silme and extendable ears from the door. He's heard enough for his report for Dumbledore. He'd known deep down that the cause for Harry's betrayal wouldn't be pretty but this... this is a lot. And Sirius joining Voldemort to protect Harry... he barely believes his ears.
But at the end of the day it's not Harry who has spent decades studying Voldemort and learning how to defeat him, it's Dumbledore. The guilt Remus had seen on Dumbledore's face today, and whenever Harry's name is brought up...Remus doesn't know what to make of it.
As quick and quiet as he came, Remus leaves.
The End.