Chapter Text

Chapter 1: The Day before (Dain)

I sit on the wall above the Western Gate, holding my tin mug. In the formation courtyard behind me, cadets of all years party. It's the longest time off we have in the Quadrant. Everybody is relieved to have survived the year and is trying to forget they could die the next one. I am, too, but relief strikes me differently tonight. With the pressure lifted for this while, all my other emotions hit me with full force. To put it differently: I am a mess.

The view of the dragons flying over Basgiath, to and from the flight field and the Vale, allows me to calm my breath. I know Cath is among them. He's been agitated lately, a real pain in the ass. I told him he should get laid, and he agreed. He actually agreed instead of threatening to burn my family tree to the ground. I feel him flying, on what I assume is a... nuptial parade? and I hope he shields tonight, because I really don't want to resort to churram.

"I heard that," he snorts. "The lack of faith you show in me is insulting."

"Maybe you should try to tell me when what I say is not insulting," I suggest. "Will save us both time."

"Or you could learn proper dragon's etiquette."

I roll my eyes. It's not like he's a good teacher.

"Sort your feelings out and get it together," he says as he dives to follow an orange Clubtail. "You're squadleader now."

And then, he shuts me out.

"Thanks for the support," I mutter. But what should I expect from a Red?

Squadleader. I should be proud. I am. Just not tonight. Tonight, I just see one more responsibility to deal with, one more burden I can't share. I dread Conscription Day and the new faces in my squad that won't last. I still see the face of my fellow cadets from last year. Ashan. Yalh. Amanda. Maylen. George. Petra. Din. All gone, and that are only those from my squad. I quickly learned not to remember the other's names. With the exception of those I made the mistake to befriend. And now, I will have between ten and fifteen new names to remember, to care for, waiting for them to die on my watch.

"Mind if I join you?"

I raise my eyes to see Amber standing on the wall, a few feet away. I nod, and she sits next to me.

"Ready to take over a whole wing tomorrow?" I ask her with a smile.

"Believe it or not, I think it will be easier than to be a squadleader," she confesses. "You don't have to take care of the first years."

"Yeah..."

"It's what is bothering you, isn't it?" She cocks her head to the side, looking at me.

"How did you guess?," I sigh.

She's one of the very few people I can have this conversation with.

"Been there, done that. And I know you," she smiles, pushing me with her shoulder. 

There's no innuendo in her words. We decided to stop sleeping together a few weeks ago because in the Quadrant, it's harder to find friends than lovers, and we make great friends.

"So, how did you survive it?" I ask.

She doesn't answer right away, asking for my drink instead. I pass it to her. She sips a bit, gives it back to me and I do the same.

"You stick to the rules," she finally says. "You remember why we do things this way, and why you are here."

I get it. People mock us because we quote the Codex more often than others, but at least, we understand it, or we try. Riders tend to hate rules because of their powers. But we are at war. We need order to survive. We follow the rules because we know they exist for a reason. Unlike other cadets, we don't think we know better because we bonded a dragon, or won War Games. There have been generations of riders before us who made the rules and lived by them. We're just cadets. We have to learn from the past, not toss it aside. The few laws we don't understand now, we will one day, with experience. People may not take us seriously, but Amber's squad got the Iron patch last year. Six of her first-year survived and bonded. But sometimes, like tonight, it's hard to remember why we make people die crossing Parapet, or why we let cadets kill each other almost at will.

"Oh, and you unwind," Amber adds after a while. "You're a second year now. You can have fun."

"Isn't that what we were doing in your room last year?" I tease her. "I'd be mortified if you didn't have fun."

She chuckles and grabs me by the shoulder.

"That was definitely fun. I'll recommend you if someone needs some." I giggle, but she's not done. "But you know it's not what I mean. You haven't gone to Chantara, and I haven't seen you write to anyone yet."

She's worried I feel lonely? That's sweet. 

"I have no reason to write. My whole life is already here."

I just had diner with my dad yesterday, and in less than a week, I'll see Violet. I wish I could see her tomorrow, but she will be passing her entrance exam, and I will be busy with my new squad. But it's only a matter of days now, and suddenly it's harder to wait. I wonder how she has been doing, if she managed to smile again after the loss of her father. I wish I could have been there for her.

I spent my whole life training for the Quadrant. It's not like I ever could consider any other opportunity knowing my father. It's not that I ever thought about any other one. This was just the next logical step of my existence. Yet, the morning of Parapet, I almost turned to the Infantry Quadrant. Asher had died barely a month before, and Violet was a wreck. I wanted to be able to support her. But, as my father asked me, what was the reasonable choice? Helping her now and waste my once in a lifetime opportunity, when she still had a mother and a sister to rely on, or working toward helping everyone in the future, including her? The fact that I needed help myself was not in the picture. After all, I didn't lose my father. Asher was not anything with a name to me. 

Then I walked Parapet without a hitch and started my life in the Quadrant. I thought knowing Violet so close without being able to see her for a whole year would be torture. But surviving barely left me any time to hurt. Or it was just another one on the list of stuff that hurt in the Quadrant. And I thought I was lucky: from time to time, I could cast a glance at my father, which was more than my fellow cadets. He may not be the most loving parent, but he never treated me like Lilith treated Violet in the last years. Even when he was harsh raising me, he always reminded me of the importance of order and duty. This is how you will survive the Quadrant, the war. This is how I'm keeping you alive. This is how he loved me.

Don't get close at all to anyone before Threshing. Don't get too close to anyone even after. Make allies, not friends. While I quickly understood his advice, those rules made me miserable. I was not used to have no one at all on my side. I hated it. I must admit, I slipped sometimes, especially after Threshing. It's impossible not to get close to the people you spend your days cheating death with. But they kept dying too. So I focused on the only thing I could control in this college: me, and why I was here.

I have to be the best. I am an Aetos. I have to be a squadleader, then a wingleader. My father will not accept less than that, and he is right. We must give the best of ourselves to protect our home and our people. Navarre. 

"It will surely save you time on week-ends," Amber says, probably thinking how little she managed to go visiting her family in Tyrrendor this year. "Your XO will love never being on duty."

"Hey, maybe I will want to explore a little bit. I still have friends in Calldyr, you know?"

"I always forget that you grew up with Navarre's upper crust. Would you take me with you if you decide to go remind Prince Halden Tauri of your existence?"

"Gods, no. I would not wish him on my worst enemy."

I make a face remembering he was Violet's first boyfriend. I get that the Fantassin uniform had its perks, but still... But they're over for good now, and the bastard has left Basgiath. I don't want to feel this jealous again. Well, it at least taught me I crushed hard on her. I still do.

"Speaking of, I think I'll ask Cianna to be my XO" I inform Amber, not wanting to dwell on the subject.

"A solid choice," she approves. "She'll balance you well. Not surprising, given she bonded a green."

"Are you saying I tend to lose control of my nerves?"

"Well, you bonded a red."

"Says the unstable orange."

"Touché", she admits.

We share one more drink and chat for a while. I'm thankful she's here. I feel my panic slipping away. I am a squadleader, and tomorrow, I will have cadets to take at least until Threshing. I'll make it work.

*****

The next morning, I'm in position in the courtyard, waiting for the first cadets to arrive. Cath is in a good mood, and is toying with the idea to come for the first formation show.

"I'd rather not have you burn anyone," I plead. "I will be right next to them, and I really don't like the smell of grilled skin so soon in the day."

For a mysterious reason, telling him that people don't deserve to be burnt just because they are scary doesn't work.

"You're so delicate," he mumbles. "You won't have to smell anything if you pick your cadets wisely."

"And how am I going to do that, not knowing them at all? I'm not like you, knowing what people are worth from a look during Presentation."

If dragons can actually do such a thing, obviously. They all think they never make mistakes, yet have no problem thinking others dragons do. I'm pretty sure they just get a vibe and go along with it, but I keep this thought to myself.

 "Fine, I won't come. But you will be wingleader next year, and I won't give up my privilege."

That's a deal I can live with. After all, I have no idea if I will be wingleader. Another thought I do not share, to avoid the unnecessary long list of Cath's ambitions for myself.

"Hello, Dain," says Belden, newly appointed squadleader of third squad, Tail Section, Fourth Wing.

He has a roll and a pen in his hand. He crossed Parapet just before me last year, which builds connection. Even though we're not in the same wing, we're friendly.

"Hello, Lewis. You're on parapet duty?"

"Courtyard side, luckily, with Seeri from Fourth Wing, Claw section leader." 

That's better. I still feel a bit nauseous at the idea of the death count today, but I remember what Amber told me yesterday. We do things a certain way for a reason. People who can't cross Parapet have no chance on a dragon's back. Cadets need to learn to deal with death the sooner the better. People choose to come here.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Lewis asks.

"No. You?"

He shakes his head.

"I switched places with Sutherland for this reason. He doesn't want to be standing here, waiting for his brother all day."

The name rings something, but I can't quite place him.

"One of the marked ones, from First wing."

"Oh shit."

People choose to come here, except for the children of the Tyrrish separatists. I have always struggled with the fact that we marked the children of the rebels and forced them to conscript to the Rider Quadrant. No one should be marked against his will, for a start, and our Quadrant is supposed to take volunteers only. Using it to punish their dead parents perverts our rules for no reason.

"Hello Dain", Seeri says as she joins us, her curled red hair all over her face. 

"Hello, Seeri. Good luck with the roll, both of you."

"It's going to be a massacre," she counters, looking at the sky where dark clouds gather.

She's right, but what's to say? They take their spot in the turret where the parapet ends. I walk my way under the arches of the courtyard, waiting for Cianna to appear. I asked to be my executive officer just before going to sleep last night, which she gladly accepted, though I could say she was surprised. People tend not to notice her, given how quiet she is. But it means they don't dislike her either, which is a good thing here, where people can hold grudges for as long as they're alive.

"Hello squad leader," she grins when she arrives with Sawyer Henrick, the repeat of our squad.

I hope Sawyer will bond this year. He was one of the most promising cadets of our squad last year, and he is nice to be around, unlike some other cadets. He deserves to be recognized by a dragon.

"Hello Henrick, XO Albestel. Ready for the big day?"

"Hell yes. It will be way less stressful than last year!" Cianna says.

"I'm sure we could run Parapet without thinking twice by now," I joke.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"I'm glad repeats don't have to do this twice," Sawyer mutters, a bit tense.

They're right. Even with a dragon, a signet, and Gauntlet's experience, nobody really wants to get back on Parapet. The courtyard is filling with cadets now, squadleader like me, waiting to see if some catch their eyes, or just regular ones, splitting by the curious ones, laughing and chatting, and anxious ones, struggling to keep their eyes off the turrets. The first candidates are crossing now.

I spot Imogen Cardullo and Bodhi Durran, both marked ones, waiting with Quinn Hollis next to the turret, probably waiting for the ones of them to arrive... or not, and keep count. They welcome a blond haired huge boy - no first-year look like an adult to me anymore - with loud cheers, and I smile.

"It must be so hard, waiting for someone today," Cianna comments, looking at them too.

"Yeah..."

I don't know what else to say. It must be especially excruciating for those who aren't here out of choice. I consider myself lucky to have no siblings, and that Violet always wanted to be a scribe. The worst that can happen to her today is to be sent home if she fails, which is not going to happen. Scribes don't count on luck. I can't imagine how I would feel waiting for her right now. Instead of what, I had the luxury of a good night of sleep, and now all I have to do is to assess the newcomers. No anguish today or the days that will follow, hoping they will make it until after Threshing, when a dragon will be able to protect them. 

I show them a short boy with dark hair who starts to make conversation with the first person he crosses once off Parapet. He exudes energy. After studying him for a while, Cianna agrees, and Sawyer offers to find out his name. We laugh as he gets caught in a conversation with the newcomer, who seems to have no intention of letting him go.

Then I gaze around the courtyard, looking for new cadets, and my heart sinks as I catch a glance of silver hair a few feet away. No. It's not possible. I rush toward the girl, praying for a doppelganger, because she should not be here. But as I approach and she hugs a brown girl, I know there's no mistake. Violet is here. Anguish just made her grand entrance. Shit.