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Most nights, Mickey is fine.
He has gotten used to the feeling of having someone else in bed with him, someone who isn't Ian. Someone with soft skin and curves where there should be muscle. He has gotten used to the steady way Svetlana breathes, how she occasionally talks in her sleep.
He's gotten used to all of this, so most nights he's fine.
But some nights he isn't.
Some nights he wakes up, trying to grasp onto someone who is no longer there. These nights he usually wakes up gasping for breath, choking like someone is sitting on his chest, occasionally there will even be tears in his eyes, or running down his cheeks.
Some nights he can't fall asleep at all, he tosses and turns, imagining what he could have said to make Ian stay. He replays their parting scene over and over, always with a different ending, like it's a movie, a piece of fiction that he can warp, and not something that actually happened to him.
Some nights he stares intently at Svetlana's sleeping form, like if he stares hard enough she'll disappear and everything will go back to the way it was. In general, Svetlana's not bad, and none of it was her idea and not her fault, but Mickey is still bitter towards her.
Some nights he cries himself to sleep. Silent tears staining his pillow. And when he wakes up he blames his bloodshot eyes on lack of sleep, he even has himself convinced.
Most nights, Mickey is fine. But it still feels like a part of him is gone, missing.
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Most nights, Ian is fine.
He has gotten used to sleeping whenever and wherever he can. Sometimes it's a bed, sometimes a cot, and sometimes just the ground. He has gotten used to falling asleep to the sound of war, or complete dead silence, there is no in between.
He's gotten used to all of this, so most nights he's fine.
But some nights he isn't.
Some nights he wishes there was someone there to comfort him when he saw his buddy get blown up right in front of him. He pretends that the person he wants to comfort him was the comforting type. He kind of is, at least to Ian.
Some nights he will admit, at least to himself, that he misses Mickey. That he should have never run off to the army. He will admit that it was childish, but then he gets bitter because so is marrying someone so people won't suspect you're gay. Those nights Ian doesn't sleep at all.
Some nights he misses his family more than anything. He cries himself to sleep when he realizes Liam probably won't even know who he is when he gets back. He'll miss everything, everything that he was there for for Debbie and Carl.
Some nights he doesn't even lie down. Doesn't even attempt to sleep. He paces around, fuming about everything. He screams and punches things. He throws things and desperately wishes he had drugs, alcohol, something to numb him.
Most nights, Ian is fine. But he feels like a piece of himself is still in Chicago, sleeping next to a women he could never love.