Chapter Text
contact name: Ilya ♥️
sent:
Pick up a carton of macadamia milk on your way home.
received:
wow no please or thank you
sent:
Please pick up a carton of macadamia milk, or else I won’t blow you when you get home. Thanks! ♥️
received:
whatever my boyfriend wants he gets!!
sent:
That’s what I thought.
received:
#strict
received:
sweetened or unsweetened
received:
wait
received:
the employee said no more maca milk
received:
only cow
received:
or almond
sent:
Are you at the organic supermarket on the corner?
received:
no i am at mcdonalds 🙄
sent:
Ilya.
received:
yes i am at the store
sent:
I’m also fine with pistachio milk.
received:
the options are cow
received:
or almond
sent:
Fine, almond then
received:
nvm they also have milk from goat
received:
baby goat, not adult goat
received:
do you want it
received:
since you are also baby goat
sent:
I’m not a baby goat, Ilya.
sent:
But even if I was that wouldn’t make sense, you want me to drink my own milk? Isn’t that kind of messed up? Also I don’t think you can milk a baby goat? Are you sure you heard the employee right?
received:
i am not a farmer
received:
i am just the errand boy
sent:
You’re not an errand boy, you’re just someone who can’t even get his boyfriend the plant-based milk of his choice.
received:
omg
received:
you wound me hollander
received:
okay i will forage the macanut myself and squeeze the milk for you
sent:
That's not how it works
sent:
Try the Whole Foods down the block, they should have all kinds of milk there!
received:
okay i will check
sent:
Thank you, I appreciate you :)
received:
btw if your tits made milk i would drink it
received:
thats how much i love you 🖤
sent:
We're breaking up. Goodbye.
received:
noooooooooooooooo
contact name: Ilya ♥️
sent:
The kitchen sink is leaking again
received:
i am on it
sent:
No, you’re not. I’m looking up plumbers right now
received:
i can fix it
sent:
Do you remember the last time you tried to ‘fix’ something? The entire building still hates us for making them evacuate in the middle of the night.
received:
its not my fault
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blame steve
sent:
...Who's Steve?
received:
steve from youtube tutorial
received:
the ads were too long
received:
did not have time to learn how to stop smoke detector beeps
sent:
Maybe if you didn’t leave a pizza pocket burning in the toaster, the fire alarm wouldn’t have gone off, and our neighbours would still like us.
received:
they love me
received:
i am very lovable
sent:
Hm. Questionable.
received:
you love me!!! say you love me!!!
sent:
Of course I love you
sent:
But I also want to leave our apartment and not get dirty looks from our neighbours.
received:
who is looking at you like that
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only i can give you dirty looks
sent:
That's not what dirty looks mean....
received:
its okay
received:
they will forget all about it eventually
sent:
I hope so.
received:
shane
received:
i think we need to call the plumber
sent:
Ilya. What did you do.
received:
nvm false alarm i have enough duck tape haha
sent:
It’s ducT tape and the plumber will be there in an hour.
received:
ok ya i was lying about the dick tape
received:
duck*
sent:
I know you were. Be home soon.
contact name: Ilya ♥️
received:
shane
received:
911 emergency 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
sent:
Are you okay?? What happened??
received:
where is the cat food
received:
its not in the cupboard
sent:
...
sent:
That’s not an emergency WTF you almost gave me a heart attack
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it is emergency
received:
whiskers is urgently waiting for her food
sent:
Ilya, you know the cat’s name isn’t Whiskers, it’s Gertrude. And she has an owner who feeds her.
received:
only crazy person would name a cat a boring human name like gertrude
received:
like name of someones boring aunt from old country
sent:
Where is this Old Country? You’ve mentioned it a few times before, but I still don’t know where you mean.
received:
a country that is old keep up
received:
ow whiskers just scratched me
received:
she is starving 😿
sent:
You need to stop opening the window and letting the cat into our apartment.
sent:
And she is not starving, she is clearly overweight from you overfeeding her!
received:
😿 i cannot believe my boyfriend would bodyshame a cat
sent:
You saw the papers Ms. Greene showed us. The vet said overfeeding could lead to serious health problems for Gertrude.
sent:
You can still play with her, you just can’t feed her anymore.
received:
okay 🥲
received:
i will only give her cuddles
sent:
Save some cuddles for me
received:
the limit for cuddles do not exist 😇
sent:
Good ❤️
contact name: 💘shane baby love of my life💦
note:
💘shane baby love of my life💦 has notifications silenced.
sent:
shane
sent:
why are your notifs off
sent:
do you hate me
sent:
hello
sent:
what are you doing???
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i am so bored
sent:
client cancelled on me and now i am at gym waiting an hour for next one
sent:
hi
sent:
do you ever think about how we have been dating for three! years!
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and i still love you more and more every day 🥰
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except you are ignoring me so maybe you dont love me 🥺
sent:
i bet you would not love me if i was a worm 🪱🥺
sent:
do you remember when we first met
sent:
you were so hot in your short shorts
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running on the treadmill
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i wanted to fuck you in the showers so bad
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if i was not working at the gym i would have made a move
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but then you kept coming back and pretending not to stare at me so cute
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and then i asked you out and you didnt even know it was a date until i kiss you!
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so silly
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and now here we are, boyfriends and living together and in love
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you are the light of my life
sent:
….. except you are ignoring me so maybe you dont feel the same way 😔
sent:
its okay. i understand. you moved on.
received:
Oh my god Ilya.
received:
You are the most dramatic person ever. I was in a work meeting and didn’t want to be distracted!
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Yes, of course I remember when we first met. How can I forget? You were so hot, I almost tripped and fell flat on my ass.
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And of course I didn’t think you asked me on a date. I didn’t think someone like you would be interested in me. But I’m glad you did. I love you and our life together. I would not trade it for the world.
received:
I don’t know why you would be a worm. Would I also be a worm in this made-up scenario? Or am I human? If I am, then I would build you a terrarium and make sure you are well fed with…. wait what do worms eat? Grass? Dirt? I’ll figure it out.
received:
You are also the light of my life, you sap.
received:
...Ilya?
sent:
sorry i was busy fucking a hot gym bro, who is this? 😎
received:
Wow I hate you
sent:
no you don’t 😙
received:
…No, I don’t 🪱