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Dan was never one to handle a stressful situation well. When Phil is not around to keep him grounded to reality, he looses his grip slowly until his strength deteriorates and he begins to break down. It's the small things that add up until it all the worries and anxiety just cave in on it's self.
This week had been a trip... Nothing seemed to be going the way Dan planned. He lost the footage to multiple videos he had spent hours filming and editing, he accidentally posted something he shouldn't have to twitter, his childhood dog died, and Phil had gone to film a collab with someone he didn't bother to remember. Dan was quite literally at his rope's end at this point, all alone with his thoughts in the silence of their house. He took a deep breath and looked around his and Phil's empty home, the home he had shared with his best friend for more than two years at this point.
That was another thing that added to the unnecessarily high stress and unhealthily high anxiety level of Dan's inner mind.. The fact that he loved his best friend and couldn't do anything about it because of his crippling fear of rejection. What if Phil didn't like him like that? What if that made their current relationship weird? Hell, What if Phil wasn't even gay.. These questions buzzed in his mind, but, with nothing to distract him, he was quite literally alone with his thoughts. It was driving him mad.. It seemed that if one more thing happened, no matter how big or small, he would be tipped over the edge and into a dark abyss.
Dan took a deep breath.. I can do this. I am strong. He repeats this to himself on a daily basis to keep those thoughts away and just remember that he's happy and content with just being in the presence of the one he loves.
He took a deep breath once more and walked into the kitchen. He felt the wall in the dark to find the light switch. Once found and flipped so the circuit would complete itself to bathe the room in a soft florescent light, Dan began to look for the box of hot chocolate he kept stashed in the back of the rightmost kitchen cabinet on the top shelf. When it was finally located, Dan pulled it down with an audible sigh. "It's just to to take the edge off.." Dan mumbled to himself as he pulled the liquor bottle out of it's facade. This wasn't some dinky little bottle of Ribena. No, no, no. This was some of the hard stuff. This was reserved for special occasions and for a little nip to forget troubles. Dan wasn't by any means an alcoholic.. he just was aware of the side effects that the liquor could bring and chose to embrace them at times for a chance of said effects to maybe lessen the burden of his thoughts.
With that in mind... Dan took his first shot of the night. Almost immediately, he began to feel it spread across his body with a feeling akin to the tingle of a mild electric shock. He waited a few seconds and began to get frustrated that he wasn't seeing immediate results. Maybe another shot would speed up the process. He downs the second shot as quickly as the first and felt the warm sensation spread from the crown his head to the tips of his toes once more. He then felt the guilt. What would Phil say if he could see you now? Another shot. Would he have any chance of actually reciprocating your feelings if he knew how many troubles you really have? Another shot. Of course he wouldn't. He would never love you. Another shot.
He rests the clear shot glass on the counter-top. That's more like it. He thought to himself as the side effects finally began to manifest.
Dan walked a few steps forward only to grab at the door frame to steady his vision that was blurring at the edges. He thought that this would make the thoughts stop. It usually did when he tried this hard.. but those thoughts of Phil just kept coming back. The nagging in the back of his skull. Dan just had to call. He had to hear his voice, needed his kind words, needed the comfort of a warmth he knew could never be exclusively his to hold. Before Dan could even register anything in his drunken state, his fingers were already fumbling around on the touch screen. Before he knew what was even happening, he saw through his blurry vision Phil's bright smile, from said man's profile picture, light up his phone. Dan was so distracted by the picture that he didn't even hear Phil pick up.
"Yes Dan?"
Dan came out of his daze at the sound of Phil's voice, but hearing it reminded him of how incredibly guilty he felt. Dan could feel the tears well up in his eyes.
"Hello?"
Dan felt the hot streams of tears cascade down his face with every bittersweet syllable rolling off Phil's tongue. He sniffled.
"Dan.. are you okay..?"
"..N-no..ah..I-I need you.."
Dan got out in between sobs. He shuffled forward into the bathroom, but he tripped over a combination of his feet and the door jam. His phone went flying and crashed into the open shower stall while Dan himself fell rather ungracefully onto the floor. He didn't think to put his hands out to cushion his fall and, as a result, smashed his face into the tiled floor.
"Dan! Dan, are you alright?!"
The shower his phone landed in served to magnify the sound so Dan could hear Phil's voice reverberating off the enclosed walls loud and clear.
"Don't worry! I'll be over as soon as possible"
The tone of someone hanging up filled the small bathroom. Dan tried to get up to stop the noise, feeling a bit more at ease now that Phil was returning to give him words of comfort he probably did not deserve, but slipped on something warm and wet. He crashed to the ground once more spreading the mystery substance around the bathroom and staining the white tiles. Dan didn't try to get up this time and just kept staring off into the corner of the room unmoving. That was how Phil found him when he rushed to their home.
Phil had gotten back as fast as he possibly could. He had to, something was wrong with Dan and he didn't, and doesn't, want anything to happen to his closest friend. Phil slammed their door open and called out his name up into the home has he pulled the door closed.
"Dan?!"
He thundered up the first two sets of stairs and peered into any and every room he could looking for Dan. He stopped when he poked his head in the kitchen seeing an overturned, empty shot glass and open bottle of alcohol carelessly left on the counter. Phil felt the blood drain from his face as he resumed his frantic searching. His panicked pursuit lead him to their first floor bathroom where he finally found Dan laying face down on the floor.
"Oh my god, Dan"
Phil knelt down next to Dan and helped him into a somewhat sitting position against one of the cabinets attached to the sink. Now Phil can clearly see the dried blood caked mostly under his nose, dried down the right side of his face, and seeped into his shirt. He saw Dan's eyes well up with more tears.
"Phil..?"
Phil immediately moved forward and wrapped his arms around Dan's neck pressing the tear stained face of his flatmate, and best friend, into his shoulder.
"It's okay, I'm here"
Dan didn't make any effort to move and instead buried his face further into Phil's neck. Phil brought one of his hands up and plunged it into Dan's hair, stroking it in a calming manner.
"..Danny.. What's wrong"
He could feel the teasing ends of Dan's fringe rub against his neck as the male shook his head. All of a sudden, between the alcohol and the sobbing, Dan began to violently hiccup. Phil began rubbing soothing circles into Dan's back as his other moved moved to the back of Dan's neck to rub at the bottom of his hairline. Dan felt a shiver run down his spine from Phil's hand. That seemed to be enough of a distraction to calm down slightly enough for his hiccups to subside.
"You can talk to me you know, as your friend I'm always here for you."
Phil moved his arms so he was fully, and completely, embracing Dan. Dan felt a cold wave pass over his entire body ..friend.. that's right.. that's all I'll ever be to him.. Dan felt another wave of tears, but employed a skill he has mastered over the years: Repression. Dan didn't move to give any indication of an answer to Phil's statement. Phil decided to stand up once it became evident that Dan wasn't going to respond to any amount of words coming from his mouth. Dan looked up at him with a dazed expression. He couldn't understand how he came to be so lucky that he even got to occupy the same living space with a person such as Phil. Phil with his upbeat and lovable personality. Phil with a smile so bright that it could give the sun a run for it's money. Phil with his perfect ability to sooth Dan's jumbled thoughts with a single syllable of speech.
This feeling isn't anything new for Dan though. He remembers when he was in his teenage years and he stumbled across the internet personality known only as the screen name 'AmazingPhil'. Instantly, Dan connected with this person. He felt.. at peace when this person was on his screen. As if he was transported from the shitty room in his London home to a place where he had someone who actually cared about what he had to say, who he was, what he liked, what he felt. When Dan actually got to meet him in person after creating a YouTube channel himself and the feelings persisted, if not intensified, that was the moment he knew he was in love with Phil Lester. Also, from that moment on he had to live with his unrequited feelings crushing him a bit more day by day. He was snapped out of his daze by Phil hauling Dan up to his feet and into the open, sliding glass door of their shower.
"Phil, what..?"
"We need to get you cleaned up and into bed so you can sleep this off."
The smile that Phil tacked onto the end of that statement was enough to make Dan melt any day. He felt his knees go weak and he would have crumbled to the ground had Phil not been there to support him. Phil grabbed the bottom edge of Dan's black t-shirt and quickly pulled it over the slightly taller male's head. Dan felt a blush instantly make it's way onto his face as he stood there feeling exposed in front of Phil. The other male lingered his fingers on Dan's prominent collarbones for a fraction of a second before turning to adjust the temperature of the water being released from the shower head. Once it was sufficient, Phil lead Dan forward under the warm liquid being excreted from the bathroom appliance.
Dan felt his tense muscles instantly relax as the hot water met his lukewarm skin only to have them tense once more as he heard Phil get in as well and slide the glass door shut behind himself. Dan turned around to ask him what he was doing when his blush increased ten fold as he realized Phil was shirtless. Dan immediately looked down at the floor, the water pushing his hair forward to shield his face. Phil's pale fingers hooked under Dan's chin to pull his face up and inspect his canvas of expression. Dan's eyes immediately met Phil's before Phil gently rubbed at the dried blood on Dan's face with a washcloth. Phil's movements were slow, caring, as he gently scrubbed the area around his nose. Dan just stood still and let Phil work on getting the rust colored substance off of his skin. The two didn't say anything as Phil worked. Phil held a small, soft smile on his face and Dan was mesmerized by it. How could someone's face be so incredibly beautiful. Dan found himself thinking as he gazed at Phil's expression. He was so focused that he was caught off guard when Phil moved to wash a spot of blood off his neck. It took everything he had not to almost fall over. He would have succeeded too if it weren't for his fumbling feet, they seemed to trick him on purpose.
Next thing Dan knew, he was starting to fall. It was as if everything happened in slow motion. Phil's eyes began to widen as he comprehended what was happening. He then reached out and grabbed Dan by the arms to pull him up close to the wall and out of harm. Phil, however, pulled Dan with a little to much force and was thrown forward my the momentum. Chest collided with chest against the shower wall, faces were mere inches away from each other. The water pelted down on top of them moving their hair this way and that while forming beads of liquid to roll down wherever wasn't directly under the stream. Dan couldn't move because, in the commotion, Phil still didn't let go of his arms and, as a result, Dan was now being pinned to the wall of their shower. Dan blushed as Phil looked up at him through wet hair. Dan wanted so badly to kiss him. He wanted to hold him, love him, touch him. Dan stopped his thoughts and let his eyes slip shut. He couldn't let this go any further for his own sanity.
He opened his mouth to tell Phil to playfully get off of him when his speech was interrupted by something pressed up against his lips. Dan tore his eyes open in a flash to see Phil's face retreating in proximity from his. Dan felt his blush increase to the point where he thought he must surely be evaporating the water around him. Did that actually just happen.. Dan thought to himself as he visibly saw the panic rise in his best friend as he realized his own actions.
Phil can't believe that he kissed him.. He took advantage of his drunk friend in a momentary lapse of judgement. He just couldn't help it, the way the water dripped down his delicate skin, the way his hair was slicked back and wet, the way the contours of his body glistened.. Phil just couldn't help it any more. Said male removed his hands from pinning Dan to the wall and ran one through his black hair.
"I-I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
Now that Phil had made the first move, all bets were off. Dan reached out to loop his arms around Phil's neck and pull him in to smash their lips together. Either of them didn't expect the instant fireworks that erupted from the kiss, but that only seemed to encourage the pair. Phil paused, caught off guard for a second, before returning the kiss with just as much passion. He had thought of Dan this way before, but never acted upon his desires because he didn't think Dan felt the same way. However, feeling the relief and pure joy radiating off of Dan in this moment just served to reaffirm his actions. Standing there under the running water kissing the one he loves just felt so remarkably right. Like something was finally working out. There was no way Dan or Phil could describe the emotions they were feeling with words of the human language, for they were far more complicated and joyous.
They finally broke apart after their sweet, tender kiss. Phil opened his azure eyes to find them already drawn to Dan's dark mahogany orbs like a magnet. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Phil felt Dan shiver underneath himself. It was then that Phil actually noticed that the water had gone freezing cold in comparison to how hot it was when they started out. Phil sighed and turned of the faucet. He then helped Dan out of the stall so he wouldn't slip. Phil could tell that he was slightly more sober then when he first arrived back at their home. It didn't stop Phil from worrying though.. What if, by chance, Dan didn't remember the events that just took place. Phil wouldn't be able to take it if that happened. Dan was like a drug and, now that Phil had taken the first step, he knew that he wouldn't be able to live without his taste.
Dan could feel the effects of the alcohol ebbing away but still numbing his inhibitions.He watched as Phil turned to get something from the shelf next to the sink and felt his eyes drift down to his ass, then quickly down to the floor. The next thing he felt was a big towel being thrown over his head. The fluffy mass startled him momentarily before he inferred it was a towel. Phil placed his hands on either side of Dan's towel covered head and began moving them back and forth in a ruffling motion. Dan leaned into his touch as Phil did this and he couldn't help but smile at Dan's actions. Phil pulled the blue fabric off Dan's head and his smile widened at the adorable sight of Dan's brown, curly mass of hair. Dan didn't even seem to notice his hair as he was absolutely engulfed in that sweet smile. Phil wrapped the towel around Dan's shoulders and grabbed his hand to lead him up the stairs, making sure Dan didn't fall. Phil directed the pair of them to Dan's room so he could tuck him in to bed and have him sleep this off. Phil stopped Dan in the middle of the room and went over to his dresser to pull out a pair of black sweatpants and some grey boxers.
"Here, change into these Dan." Phil turned to leave to change out of his wet pants as well.
"W-where are you going?" Dan's voice made Phil stop and turn towards him.
"What do you mean. I'm going to go get changed." Phil said kindly with a loving smile.
"There are clothes in here.." Dan looked down "Just stay.. Please."
Phil's eyes softened as we walked up to Dan and hooked a finger under his chin like he had earlier. Phil leaned in and placed a warm kiss on Dan's lips. "I'm not going anywhere"
Dan visibly relaxed and Phil walked over to Dan's drawer once more and pulled out a pair of grey sweatpants and a random pair of boxers "I'm just gonna change on the other side of the door. Okay Danny?" Dan nodded and Phil went to change in the hallway.
When Phil returned, Dan was laying on his bed in the clothes Phil had told him to put on. Phil couldn't help but admire the way Dan's skin contrasted with the black of everything around him. Phil smiled and grabbed one of Dan's black shirts and pulled it over his head. It was now Dan's turn to admire Phil. Phil always wore bright clothes full of personality, but here he stood in dark grey and black. Dan loved the way the dark color brought out the blue of his eyes and the pink tinge to his cheeks. Dan felt a smile crawl it's way onto his face as he delighted in Phil's presence. Phil walked over and pulled his dark duvet over the male. He leaned forward and kissed his forehead before turning to go turn out the lights. Dan's hand shot out from the covers and grasped onto Phil's wrist. Phil turned and knelt next to the bed putting a hand on the side of Dan's face and lightly caressed it. He gently removed Dan's hand from his wrist and brought it up to his mouth to kiss it softly.
"I'm not going anywhere." Phil repeated from earlier in a whisper. Dan's tension visibly reduced once more as Phil got up to turn out the lights. He then walked up to Dan's bed and crawled under the covers with him. Immediately, Dan snuggled up into Phil's side and Phil returned the gesture by wrapping his arms around Dan in a loving embrace and running his fingers down Dan's spine. Dan responded to Phil's touch by snuggling closer. Phil could sense Dan smiling and felt a tear slip down his own face. Phil was so happy. This is something he's wanted for so long and, now that Dan is in his arms, he doesn't ever want to let him go. Phil tightens his grip on Dan every so slightly. Dan let out a content sigh. Finally, he was perfectly happy and tranquil.
Dan drifted off to sleep as Phil started to stroke his now dry and fluffy hair. As if a hypnotist was evoking a sense of sleep within Phil, Dan's rhythmic breathing pattern lulled Phil into a peaceful sleep. A smile made it's way onto Phil's face as he fell asleep with his arms around the one he loves.