Archive of Our Own

Eight was snooping around the locker room, as one tended to do. She had already, very conscientiously, completed her work of equipping the New Squidbeak Splatoon with the newest delivery of custom-made weaponry. A task, she was being given more frequently, she had noticed. She was really climbing the career at Ammo Knights, so to say.

Being in the NSS headquarters this often should have been exciting, but unfortunately, it was mostly  kind of dull. Eight was only an honorary agent (and didn’t want that to change per se) and had no real business going on missions. Other than that, there really wasn’t that much interesting stuff to do, she had found. The squidsisters didn’t visit as often as Eight had hoped. The captain, bless his old hearts, wasn’t the most exciting company for an extended amount of time either (especially since Eight had already spent an extended amount of time with the old man, back when they had been navigating the deepsea metro for several long months). DJ Octavio, Eight tended to keep her distance to anyway. At least for the time being, for however long it would take her to remember her past. And maybe meet his eyes…

Unfortunately, that eliminated more than half the people usually roaming around the premises.

Desperate for something, anything, to do, Eight had exhausted every activity she could think of. All but one.

Which left her with today’s fun activity. The locker room! A room full of exciting possibilities! Yes, Eight was respectful, diligent, reliable, all of those good things and way more. But she was also curious and wanted to see what Callie and Marie were keeping in their lockers.

“Could you please pass me my bottle?” asked Agent Three.

Oh, and Agent Three was there too.

Eight hummed. It felt a little more disrespectful to snoop while someone else was there, even though Three had come in earlier while Eight was elbows deep in Marie’s old magazines (fascinating! So fashionably tasteful! So aesthetic!) and very pointedly, hadn’t said a word. Eight handed them the bottle. Perhaps she should call it a day or at least wait until Three was done. It would certainly be less suspicious and more polite.

The inkling was cleaning her hero-shot (although it was already spotless) and changing into regular civilian clothes that she got from her locker. Her locker!

Well okay. Maybe snooping time was not over yet, after all.

While Three was busy putting on her sneakers, Eight was bold and risked a peak.

She was, pretty much immediately, pretty disappointed. Such a lacklustre sight! No stickers, no pictures, no trinkets, no fun! Just a few changes of clothes, some crumpled receipts, and… Not much else, really.

Displeased, Eight swiped through the apparently strictly practical jackets and shirts. Barf.

She swiped some more and paused, when something caught her eye at last.

Off one of the very boring jackets in Three’s very boring locker dangled something that wasn’t all that boring at all. Eight tilted her head and reached for it for further inspection. It was a small keychain, that resembled a fishing lure. With its dopey eyes it looked quite cute and the plastic glittered in the light of the late afternoon. Hehe.

“Pretty,” Eight mumbled as she turned it between her fingers.

A loud and sudden thud loudly and suddenly ripped her out of her thoughts.

“Uh!” said Three, who apparently was done changing. Her water bottle (clearly the source of the thud) lay forgotten at her side. Clearly 8 had startled her. That had not been her intention.

“Sorry,” Eight apologized, “I found this in your locker. It’s pretty, why don’t you wear it?”

Three’s cheeks darkened with color. “Forgot I even had that thing…” she mumbled and looked away. Like they didn’t want to meet Eight’s eyes, for some reason. They seemed… Embarrassed. Eight frowned. But why?

“Well- I’ve got to catch my train,” said Three and turned to leave. Not without grabbing the keychain from Eight’s hands. “See ya!”

Eight hummed.

This seemed like something… Something something something.

Something, that Eight didn’t understand. Probably some cultural, Inkopolis, big city, inkling thing Eight just didn’t know about. Yet.

Luckily, she knew just the squid to ask, when it came to that kind of stuff.

For the time being, Eight’s hunger in snooping had satiated for good. Replaced by the hunger for answers!

“A lure keychain?” her roommate repeated with raised eyebrows. Fiona (more professionally known as Agent Four of the NSS) was sitting on her laptop. Her work-desk was absolutely and utterly covered in color-coded notes, scattered pens and dirty dishes. The captain had been so kind to free her from her agent duties for the foreseeable future, so she could focus on her important school exams. Of which she seemed to have many, considering how little time she had left to hang out with Eight these days.

A tragedy in and of itself, but at least she seemed all ears for the matter at hand.

“Yes!” said Eight and nodded. She ran her fingers through the fuzzy carpet she was sitting on. Such a soft texture.

“Agent Three?” Fiona asked.

Eight nodded again.

Fiona scoffed and huffed in… Amusement?

“What is she, like 45?” she mumbled.

Eight jumped up. So, there was more to the accessory! She knew it!

“What does it mean?!” she asked, grabbing Fiona by the shoulders. Maybe a bit much, but the other girl thankfully usually didn’t mind.

“Mhhh.” Fiona seemed to think it over. She tilted her head and winked, “Why don’t you go ask them yourself?”

Eight blinked.

“Why don’t you just tell me?” she tried.

“Mhhh, no.” Fiona turned around again. No!!! “Go ask Three, I need to get back to this assignment.”

“I’m only seeing her tomorrow!! Fio!!! I can’t wait that long!!” she whined, hoping to pull at the girl’s heartstrings. Obviously without success.

Fiona grinned and put her headphones back on.

Eight pouted. So mean!

It was the next day and Eight was back in the NSS locker room. She had finished her deliveries in record time (something she expected to be praised for later), skipped her chat with the captain for now (he had been sound asleep anyway), and wasted no further time.

She threw open the doors and barged in. And hey! Three was already there too. Perfect!

Eight strode right by the inkling, who had flinched at the sudden slam of the door, and went straight for their locker in the corner.

“Uhhhhh,” said Three.

“Hi,” replied Eight politely but didn’t turn around. Efficiently, she swiped through the jackets and shirts. And swiped and swiped and swiped.

Mh.

“Where’s your keychain?” she asked and turned around. Three was still sitting on the bench, looking a little confused. At the mention of the keychain, realization seemed to settle in (success?) and her cheeks darkened again (mh).

“O-oh,” they stammered. Other than that, she didn’t seem to want to answer.

“You… Threw it away?” Eight voiced the first theory that came to mind, all the while hoping it was wrong.

“Uhhhh, yeah,” Three said. No! Damn it!!

“Why?!” Eight asked and took a few steps towards Three, who only backed away slightly.

“Uh,” the inkling said again, “Well, I don’t really need it, so…”

“Yes, you do!”

Eight felt like pulling off her own tentacles. The keychain was so fresh and stylish!

“H-hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Three asked, suddenly sounding very offended.

Eight pouted. Okay, maybe that had been a bit too far. Perhaps they just weren’t ready for that kind of fashion and decoration advice. Eight scanned Three’s outfit. Shorts with pockets, a plain Tee, Sneakers and a baseball cap. No accessory in sight, not even a simple necklace. Despite living in Inkopolis all her life, Three really seemed to have no idea about anything!

Eight sighed and shook her head.

Which seemed to offend Three more. The inkling got up at once.

“Well, I gotta go,” she said harshly and grabbed her bag off the ground.

Oh!

“Sorry!” Eight rushed, “I didn’t mean for it to come off that way!”

But Three had already stomped off. Mhpf. Eight frowned and sat down on the bench. Damn it! She really needed to get better at, what Pearl liked to call, reading the room…

…Still… Somehow, she felt like there was something she was missing… Mh.

“I hate you, you suck!” spat Eight.

Fiona was gripping her desk for support. She had not stopped laughing ever since Eight had told her about the strange encounter with Three earlier. Laughing and cackling evilly like a hyena (whatever that was).

“I’m moving out tonight and I’m not ever asking you for advice ever again!!”

“Oh, come on!” Fiona wiped away tears.

Eight frowned and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Four had, through waves of laughter, explained what the deal with the lure keychains was. Apparently, it was a dating thing. Which Eight supposed explained why Three was so embarrassed by the mention… An accessory people liked to wear when they were trying to attract partners, signaling that they were single and available…

Wait.

What had Three said earlier?

Eight tilted her head, as she connected the dots.

“Did you know about him?” she asked.

Fiona, who had calmed down at last, raised an eyebrow. “About whom?”

“Three’s boyfriend.”

Fiona blinked slowly. And immediately broke into even shriller laughter. “Boyfriend?!??”

“Hear me out!” Eight got up from her preferred spot on the carpet. “Three said that they ‘didn’t need’ the keychain anymore. So! That has to mean that she’s in a relationship now!” she explained her theory. An awful image was forming in her head. Three being held by a very tall squid man that wore tank tops and had really big muscly arms. And a mustache. Eight wrinkled her nose. She already disliked him immensely.

“Counterargument,” Fiona raised a finger, “She bought it when she was like 14 because she thought it would help her get a date. It didn’t and now she’s embarrassed. Case solved.”

“Case unsolved!” Eight argued, “I think she has a boyfriend.” She crossed her arms again. Why couldn’t Fiona just see!

Fiona huffed again. “No way. Have you taken a good hard look at them? No offence, but like, they really don’t seem the type to-“

“I have! They are very goodlooking!” said Eight and meant it. Despite Three’s unfortunate lack of interesting style (apart from that cape of theirs perhaps) the inkling did really have a nice face that was fun to look at.

“Sure, I guess. What I mean though is… Well, I just don’t think she swings that way.”

“Swings?” What could that mean?

“Well, you know what they say about me?” Fiona explained and pulled a very smug face, “That I have the strongest and radest gaydar in town, so-“

“Gaydar?” Now that was a word she really hadn’t heard before.

“Okay, Eight, let me hold your hands when I say this,” sighed Fiona and gently took Eight’s hands into her own. Eight listened closely. “Agent Three is probably a girlkisser.”

Oh.

“Oh” said Eight. Like Pearl and Marina. She always forgot that was an option. Well, in that case. “Soooo. A girlfriend then?” A new image formed in Eights head. Three being held by a very tall squid woman with great hairdo and really big muscly arms. ‘You’re the best girlfriend ever’ Three would say with sparkles in her bright mismatched eyes, while the girlfriend carried them in her big arms and winked. A beautiful sunset in the background… Eight wrinkled her nose harder. Somehow this was even worse than the boyfriend.

Fiona laughed again. “Pfff. More likely but I honestly can’t imagine it. She just seems way too awkward to score a date. Plus: I feel like if she did, we’d probably know.”

“But what!” Eight grabbed Fiona’s shoulders, she felt like she needed something to hold onto, “What if it’s a secret girlfriend!”

“Mh,” said Fiona, “Okay. I guess that is a possibility. Would certainly be on brand, considering that she still won’t even tell me her first name. And that after we’ve been working together for like one and a half years! And- Hey Eight! You still there?”

Eight had taken her hands off Fiona’s shoulders and tuned her friend’s voice out for now. She scanned the walls of the room for the calendar. A plan was forming in her head, a plan, that was nothing short of utter genius.

Agent Eight had a new mission.

She would do whatever it took to find out just who this mysterious secret girlfriend of Three’s was.

The 14^th of February.

Valentine’s day, the day for couples and romance!

Eight still remembered the holiday from last year (mostly, she just remembered eating her own body weight in chocolate and almost having to go to the hospital. But that was a whole other story by itself). Pearl and Marina had not had time to hang out with Eight on that day because they were doing couplely stuff. Pearl had been very nervous (interesting to see for once) in the days leading up to it and had explained the whole deal to Eight. Eight had then watched a good number of romance movies (that she had mostly slept through) and had eaten the aforementioned chocolate (never again!).

But now, that whole knowledge would finally pay off. Eight rubbed her hands and grinned, proud of her sinister plan. She would strike up a conversation with Three and ask what she was doing the upcoming Friday, which just so happened to be V-day (what immaculate timing!). And then, the inkling would have no other choice but to tell Eight about her secret girlfriend!

Eight would have padded herself on the shoulder, but there was no time! Three was already coming around the corner.

“Hey Three!” Eight jumped from her hiding spot, which seemed to startle Three quite badly.

“Waaah!” The inkling stumbled back and almost fell over her own feet. Eight reached forward and caught her around the waist.

“Sorry!” she said and put Three back on her feet.

“It’s fine,” Three mumbled, “Did you need something?” They still looked a bit shaken. And confused. And red in the face. What a combination.

Eight hummed regretfully. Unfortunately, she had had no choice but to hide behind a corner and ambush Three from behind. She had been too afraid that the inkling might be avoiding her after their misunderstanding from the day prior.

Speaking of which…

“Yes. I want to apologize to you,” said Eight and pulled the ‘Sorry’-card she had bought at the train station out of her pocket. As well as a protein bar (from a brand, she knew Three liked), “I was rude yesterday. I talked without thinking. Please forgive me.” She handed her gifts to Three, who stared at them wide-eyed.

“Oh. Thank you,” Three took the presents. Success! “Let’s just… Drop the whole topic, okay?”

“Yes, of course!” Eight lied masterfully. She had a mission after all. “So,” she said casually, “Are you doing anything this Friday?” The bomb was set. Eight grinned slily.

“Um. Yes,” said Three. AHA! “I’m working that day.” Ah…

Eight deflated.

“No other plans?” she asked carefully.

“I don’t exactly have much time left. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of the only person actually doing stuff around here right now. With Agent Four taking all that time off and Callie and Marie being unreliable no-shows in general, well…” they sighed, “It’s not like I don’t have school either. I just go to work anyway, you know.”

Eight hummed and nodded. Huh, she hadn’t even thought about that. Damn you, Fiona! This is all your fault! Damn you exam season! Give me back my friend!

Well. That rendered her plan pretty much pointless.

“But if you didn’t have work, would you have plans?” she asked anyway.

“Huh? Oh, uh, I guess?” What an ambiguous answer. “Why do you ask?”

“Nevermind. Bye,” Eight turned around and left.

“O-oh. Bye?”

Okay. So, her plan had failed. Big deal. She just had to come up with a better one. Expose Agent Three’s web of secrecy and have her confess to her crimes!

And because Eight was just that masterful of a detective, a new plan had already started to form. Almost without thinking, her legs had carried her to where the captain was sitting down.

“Eight! Hello, hello! What’s up?” the old man greeted eagerly.

“Hello captain Cuttlefish! Can I have a word with you please?”

Eight shivered as yet another gust of icy cold wind washed over her. The air tasted of salt and the waters below were dark and harsh. Aggressive, brutal, untameable. Wave after wave clashed against the metal scaffolding of the watchtower they were climbing. Despite this, the structure didn’t seem to bend even one inch. Eight instinctively ducked her face into the collar of her jacket. The bright yellow hero suit was doing a pretty good job of keeping her warm, all things considered. It was only her face, ears and tentacles that remained exposed to the elements. Oh well.

“So, um,” Three’s voice was almost drowned out by the howling wind. The agent was following closely behind Eight on the way up the staircase. She was wearing her usual work outfit, just with longer pants and, to Eight’s delight, her very cool cape.

“Why are you here, again?” Three asked but immediately added, “Not that I’m complaining or anything…”

“Well!” Eight replied, “You told me the other day how busy you were with work, so! I talked to the captain and had him rehire me as an agent.”

“Oh,” said Three, “I thought you didn’t want that?”

Eight waved her hand. “It’s only temporary till Fiona comes back. And I asked to not be included in any missions concerning the octarian army.” Which there hadn’t been that many to begin with, Eight had been informed.

“Wow. Thanks, that’s a great help actually,” Three said and smiled a small but sweet smile. Now that Eight was aware and paying attention, it was hard not to notice the dark circles under Three’s eyes and how overall worn they tended to look these days. Eight shook her head. That secret girlfriend of Three’s was very clearly not taking very good care of them.

They arrived at the top of the tower at last. The station offered refuge from the strong weather conditions but was overall only scarcely furnished. It provided a good look of their target of the day though. Eight looked out the window. There, surrounded by dark water, gloomy waves licking at the shore, lay a small island that was hardly worth speaking off. Or it would have been, had it not been for the slimy trails of dark green ink that covered it. Telltale signs of salmonid activity. And this particular island seemed to be of particular interest… For some reason, Eight wasn’t entirely sure.

“So. What do we do?” asked Eight.

Three had dropped her bag of equipment in one of the corners of the room and was now pulling up two chairs close to the window.

“It’s really not all that interesting. We’re monitoring the island and see if something suspicious happens.”

“What would count as suspicious.”

“I dunno. So far nothing’s ever happened.”

Eight frowned. Oh, this really did sound quite a bit dull. Three seemed to have picked up on her disappointment and quickly added, “But hey. Maybe today’s the day, who knows.”

They shrugged and plopped down on one of the chairs. Eight sat down on the other one. Together they looked out the window and watched the island, quietly. Yippie…

“Have you ever worked a grizzco shift?” asked Three.

“Yyup! It was awful.” Eight had tried out all sorts of things on the surface and there were still many more she still had to look into. Working for the shady company had been amongst her least favorite activities. “What about you?”

“Not really. I already had this job when that whole hype started, so there was no real need. They sure have been putting a bigger amount of money into advertising, though… Makes you wonder.”

Eight hummed but didn’t wonder. Talk about big amounts of money was seldom interesting to her. The two of them fell silent again.

“Hey um,” Three said after a while. Eight turned to look at her. “I’m sorry to ask this of you but could you maybe keep an eye on the island so I can get a little bit of schoolwork done?”

School work, Eight’s worst and evilest nemesis, it seemed. But how on earth could she say no, when Three looked at her so hopefully.

“Of course,” Eight agreed. Three’s face immediately lit up (take that, secret girlfriend!). The inkling pulled out their laptop and got to work. Soon, the air was filled with a melody of rhythmic clicks and taps.

“I didn’t know you went to school,” said Eight even though she knew she probably should leave Three alone. “Why don’t you take off some time too?”

“I’m doing online school, so I only have to show up for the actual exams. Everything else I can do by myself.” The keyboard clicked and clacked. “If it were my decision, I would have dropped out ages ago, but Marie and Callie said they’d fire me if I did, so, yeah.”

“Online school,” Eight repeated. She hadn’t known that was an option. Huh.

“If all goes well, I’ll be done this year, so fingers crossed,” said Three and got back to work. Eight hummed and looked out the window.

Watching over salmonids that weren’t even there. Time seemed to move backwards, every second felt like it lasted an hour and Eight just wanted to bang her head against the glass. It was just so insanely boring. Boring boring boring!!!

Eight was so bored, that her mind was starting to wander. Wander back to the secret girlfriend. The secret girlfriend who, likely, wasn’t that good of a girlfriend. She didn’t even care, that Three had to work on Valentine’s day! In light of that, Eight wondered, if the secret girlfriend even knew about Three’s secret agent status. Maybe that was something Three needed… A life of normalcy, a strong contrast to the adrenaline and the danger. A life, where she could relax, be herself, use her first name… The girlfriend was probably allowed to use it.

Eight frowned and pouted. But after a while, that too, started to be boring again. So, back to square one.

“You’re bored, huh,” said Three without looking up from her screen. Eight blushed in embarrassment at being read so easily.

She threw her hands up in exasperation. “How do you do this everyday?! Maybe that’s why I left the army. Too much horrible watch duty!” she wondered aloud.

Three chuckled and shut their laptop. Oh. “Well, I’m pretty much done here anyway, so I guess I’ll join you in being bored.” She crossed her arms and leaned back.

“Or!” Eight straightened and tried hard to not sound too excited. This was her chance! Her plan finally set into motion at last! “We could play something!”

Three seemed to think it over. “What the shell, sure,” she shrugged. Yes!! “I guess there really isn’t that much happening. I’ll check if I have some playing cards on me.”

“Let’s play truth or dare!” Eight suggested before Three could get anywhere close to their bag. Playing cards, Eight could do without, thank you very much.

Three blinked. “Oh. Okay, or that, why not,” she sat back down.

Eight grinned. Oh, she could feel sweet victory within her grasp! “Truth or dare?” she solemnly asked the question of all questions.

“Oh… Guess I’m starting, um… I choose dare,” said Three.

Eight supressed a pout. Not according to plan. But! That was okay. She’d get to the bottom of things in no time.

“I dare youuu,” Eight thought for a second, “to do a flip.”

Three scoffed amusedly. “Pff, okay-“

“In swim form!” she raised one single finger and wiggled her eyebrows challengingly.

“Swim form,” Three repeated and got up. They stretched their arms. “Can’t be that much harder,” she huffed and shifted into a squid. Eight took a generous step back to leave enough space.

She watched carefully and intently as the inkling tensed. Three’s form was similar to that of someone performing a superjump. Eight could tell from that alone, that her friend’s attempt was destined to fail.

Three jumped up and down. Up again and down again. Up again and down, this time into a newformed ink puddle, again. She very pointedly, did not manage to do a full flip. Just like Eight had prophesised.

“Boo,” said Eight mockingly.

“Shut up, I got this, just-“ Three said between jumps and went right back to failing. A few times, she almost did it a little bit (if you squinted). Yet, success remained well outside their reach. A truth, they seemed to realize at last too. Three shifted back into inkling form.

“Impossible,” she said and sat back down on their chair, a little out of breath.

“Possible,” Eight corrected smugly.

Three snorted. “Okay. I dare you to do it then.”

Eight needn’t have to be told twice.

She shifted into swim form, tensed the right muscles in the right way and did a magnificent flip. When she shifted back, Three was staring at her wide eyed.

“Well damn,” she politely clapped her hands in honest applause, “Quite the impressive skillset. No wonder you beat my ass back then.”

Eight felt heat rise to her cheeks. She quickly turned away, out of fear of spontaneously exploding. Ah!!! Such honest praise from the usually always reserved agent was a rare sight for sure.

“Guess it’s your turn again.”

“Huh?” Eight looked back up.

“We’re playing truth or dare, right?” Three raised an eyebrow. Eight straightened.

“Right!” she said hastily. She shouldn’t let herself be this easily distracted, she had a mission, damn it! “Truth or dare.”

“Truth,” said Three.

There it was!

Eight jumped from her chair, which fell forgotten to the side, and stepped into Three’s space.

“Do you have a crush on someone?!”

“Uh!” Three choked out.

Within seconds, her face had turned redder than ever before and she appeared frozen in her movement. Eyes widened and hands hovering before her unsurely. They didn’t talk, didn’t move, didn’t even blink for a long time that stretched on and on. (longer, slow down the tempo!!)

Oh no…

Eight leaned back a bit and frowned. Had she broken them?

Just when she thought all hope to be lost, Three moved at last. She put one hand against her face and looked somewhere to the side. They wouldn’t meet Eight’s eyes.

“Yes,” said Three in a tiny voice.

Eight felt she was being struck by lightning. She took another big step into Three’s space and grabbed her by both shoulders.

“Who is it?!” she all but yelled.

Three leaned back instinctively, startled by the sudden touch, but didn’t push Eight away.

“It’s not your turn!” croaked Three.

Eight frowned. They were right of course. Truth or Dare rules were sacred. Eight let her go and took a step back.

Three visibly breathed out.

It was their turn. Eight waited impatiently.

“Truth or dare,” they said in a hushed voice. They were avoiding looking directly at Eight again. Looking out of the window (which in fairness, they should both be doing anyway) and rubbing nervously at their arms. “Not to tell you what to do, but I think it’s only fair for you to pick truth too.”

“Then I pick truth.” Eight really didn’t care as long as she could ask her next question as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, Three sure took her sweet time, thinking her words over.

“Do you have a crush on anyone?” the inkling asked at last, peeking at Eight from the corner of her orange eye.

Oh. That was a question Eight hadn’t expected. But easy enough to answer.

“No, not really,” she shrugged. Perfect. Hopefully they would be able to get back on track now!

“O-oh. I see,” said Three, looking oddly… disarmed? From one second to the other, it was like the playful atmosphere had shifted completely. Suddenly the room felt just as cold and clammy as it was.

What had happened? Had she done something wrong?

“So, um… Truth or-“

“I think I saw something move,” said Three, eyes again fixed on the view outside. Eight squinted but she couldn’t make anything out. “I’ll go get a closer look. Will be back in a minute.”

And with that, Three rushed out the room, cape flying in the wind.

Eight was sitting comfortably on the fuzzy carpet again but she couldn’t quite enjoy it the way she usually did. She hardly noticed how soft and nice the texture was for she was way too focused on scrolling through her phone.

Fiona walked by, clearly headed for her work desk again, and looked over Eight’s shoulder.

“Phew,” she winced, “Why don’t you just start stalking her for real, at this point.”

Eight threw up her arms in frustration and let herself fall back onto the carpet with a long sigh. Her phone slid across the floor and halted somewhere out of reach. Whatever. Eight had spent a good chunk of her afternoon relentlessly combing through agent Three’s social media profiles. Of which they didn’t appear to have very many to begin with. Most inklings Eight had come to know were happy to spend the majority of their time snapping pictures and posting captions. Even Eight found joy in it. But Three’s profile was much like her locker or her outfits.

“So, I take it your plans didn’t work out?” Fiona asked as she sat down.

“No,” said Eight but rethought, “Well, actually, I did find out a bunch of valuable information. Three said that she had plans for Valentine’s Day. She just couldn’t go because she had work that day.”

“Sooo… Today?”

Oh.

“Yeah, exactly.” Eight had totally forgotten. They had finished earlier than expected, which lead Eight to think that Three was very likely already at home. Spending the rest of the day with their oh so awesome and beautiful girlfriend after all. “I also asked her if she had a crush on someone and she said yes.” Looking back, Eight should have asked a more precise question. Mistakes upon mistakes.

“Woah.”

“Yeah. I think the question embarrassed her because she rushed off and didn’t want to talk afterwards…” another scenario Eight should have been able to predict and avoid. Sigh.

“Whelp. I guess there could be something to your theory,” Fiona admitted. Finally! “What do you wanna do next?”

Eight sat back up. Fiona was already booting up her laptop again. There wasn’t much time left, in which her friend was responsive, so Eight had to hurry.

“You know the movies! What do the people in the movies usually do?”

“Honestly? Forget the movies, Eight. Just ask her.”

Eight sunk back into the carpet with another sigh. “That would be cheating… And she won’t answer anyway…”

Fiona chuckled. “Yeah, that’s very possible, I guess. Oh hey, I almost forgot,” she picked something off her table. A… Paper? An envelope? Fiona threw it. “This came for you in the mail today. Looks all fancy, check it out.”

Eight blinked as the pale pink envelope slowly descended on her face. She opened it carefully. Sparkly letters that formed sparkly words. Eight read them with great care.

…

She jumped up at once.

“Woah!?” Fiona flinched and complained.

“That’s it!! The solution!”

“What is? Eight?”

Eight crossed the room within a few large strides and retrieved her phone from the floor. “Fio, please be quiet, I need to make a call,” she asked politely.

“A call? What?”

“Shush.” The phone was already dialing. Like way too many things in life, it too took its time.

After a million years, the line cracked and-

“Yooooo! Eight! My girl, whatup?”

“Is that-?”

“Hello Pearl,” Eight greeted.

“You got that invitation we sent you?”

“Yes!” Eight turned the glittery card in her hand.

“Good! Sorry it took so long, we actually meant to send it way earlier. I dunno what it was, I think we ran outta good paper or something? Yeah, anyway, Marina wanted it to be perfect plus she knew you’d probably want to keep it, so we had to wait for that to arrive… And then, I forgot to take it to the post office, which is totally my bad-“

“Pearl!” Eight interrupted.

“Yeah?”

“I need another one, can you give me one more invitation?”

“Eh? You can bring a plus one. It says that on the card.”

“Yes I know.” Eight turned the card in her hand. The glittery letters glittered sparkly.

“Wait wait wait! Don’t tell me there’s a special someone you wanna take?!” Pearl gasped. “Because if that’s the case, oh boy, she’s gonna have to pass a whole lotta tests! If you wanna date my homie Eight, you’re gonna have to get thru me! And Marina, she’s gonna be even stricter for shore.”

“I’m not bringing a date. The extra invitation is for Agent Three.”

“Agent Three?” Pearl repeated, “Isn’t that the kid you beat the shit out of on that elevator thingy?”

“Yes!”

“Huh. Mkay. And why exactly can’t you just take them as your plus one? Seems Like the most logical solution to me.”

“It is very important that they have their own invitation! And that they can bring a plus one too. Otherwise, the plan simply wont work!”

“Plan? How important are we talking?”

“Life or death!”

From the edge of her vision, Eight could clearly see Fiona roll her eyes. Eight turned so she wouldn’t have to anymore.

Pearl sighed heavily. “Marina’s gonna kill me. But sure, I’ll get you that invite. Should arrive some time later today.”

Eight squealed. “Thank you Pearl! You’re the best, Pearl! The best!”

Pearl huffed. “Yup, that’s me. Anyways, talk to ya later, Eight.”

Eight smiled and ended the call. That went spectacularly! Fiona rolled her eyes again, but Eight could tell that she was more amused than actually annoyed. And she knew for a fact, that Fio was curious about the big girlfriend secret too.

Which only left one thing to do.

“Three, hi!” Eight jumped from her usual hiding place. The fact that she even had a usual hiding place by now might have been concerning if it weren’t for the fact, that she didn’t care. There was no way she was going to let Three’s shyness sabotage her plans and since their last encounter had once again been quite awkward, Eight thought it smart to play it safe.

Three even only flinched a little bit at the sudden ambush.

“Oh, hey Eight. Did you need something?” Three asked very casually as they kept walking. Eight joined her on the way to the locker room.

“Yes! I got something for you!” Eight smiled and pulled the newly printed, freshly delivered party invitation from the depths of her pockets. Glittery, it reflected the light of the late afternoon.

Three raised one sceptical eyebrow and stopped walking. Eight joined her and handed over the paper.

“A party?” Three asked after reading.

“Cool, right? And look!” Eight helpfully pointed to the bottom of the card. “You can bring a plus one!” She winked for good measure.

Three just stared at her. At the paper. And at her again. “’Plus one’ as in like… a date?” they asked carefully. Aw, they were so very shy! But no more escape from the truth.

“Yes! Exactly!” Eight confirmed.

Three’s eyes widened as they continued to stare. “Oh. I thought you said… The other day you said you didn’t…” they stammered.

“Huh?” What was she talking about?

“Nevermind. Uh, yeah, I’ll go. Sounds fun, I just need to check-“

“I already checked with the captain, you don’t have work that day,” Eight supplied proudly. She was so very prepared, hihi.

“Oh,” said Three, cheeks darkening again. Probably already thinking about how she would break the news to the girlfriend. Eight continued to talk in an effort to quiet her thoughts.

“And! Pearl has organized a limousine for us. I can pick you up at your house and we can go together!” That limousine ride would give her plenty of time to check out the girlfriend and determine if she was good enough. It was utter genius…

Three nodded and gave Eight her address for the pickup. Eight smiled. It was victory, victory at last! She didn’t understand why the smile on her face felt so forced.

The big day had come quicker than expected. At last, there it was: tricking-agent-three-into-taking-her-secret-girlfriend-to-pearl-and-marinas-party-and-exposing-her Eve. The most celebratory of days, Eight’s magnificent plan finally executed and followed through to completion.

Eight wanted to throw up.

Restlessly she dug through her closet, trying and failing to choose what she would wear for the evening. An aspect of her plan, she had not concerned herself with until now. And it was such an important aspect too! She was meeting the secret girlfriend! If there was ever a day to make a good impression, it had to be today!

The secret girlfriend… Eight ground her teeth. Why wasn’t she happy? She should be happy! It was all going so well, why did she have to be the problem now? It didn’t make any sense.

At first, she had hoped that the strange uneasy feeling she had felt after Three had accepted the invitation would fade away. It hadn’t. Not even a little bit. Instead, it had boiled and bubbled and mutated into something big and ugly, an emotion Eight wasn’t sure she could put a concrete label on.

In any case, that feeling had kept her from sleeping for the last few days. A fact that Eight also had to tackle later. With the incredible power of make-up.

So, Eight swiped the many hangers, tearing through outfit after outfit, accessory after accessory. It was hopeless! Nothing was good enough.

As Eight continued her fruitless endeavor, her mind began to wander, her thoughts to derail…

In an imaginary but all the while fairly realistic future, Eight is sitting in the limousine Pearl sent to Three’s house. Across from her sits Three, wearing her usual work attire plus cool cape. Next to them sits a tall inkling girl. Her hair is up in a high ponytail that both brushes against the low car ceiling and reaches all the way to the floor. Her eyes are big and bright, and her arms are strong. The pinkish light of the room reflects off the girls shiny and well-defined muscles. Eight doesn’t want to look but she can’t seem to tear her eyes away.

Three is holding onto the girlfriend’s arm like it’s an anchor. Eight feels utterly small and insignificant.

“Hi,” she says anyway, her voice shaking slightly, “You must be the secret girlfriend. Nice to meet you.”

The girlfriend tilts her head to look at Eight. She smiles sweetly.

“Oh, hello there, worm!”

“H-huh?”

“I’m merely joking, of course. You are just so small and cute! I’m sure you’re very interesting and skilled at what you do. It’s so sad Three hardly ever mentions you to me,” she laughs.

The comment stings.

“W-well! They never mentioned you to me either, just so you know,” Eight says defensively.

Three rolls their eyes. “You know I like to keep my private life separate from work.”

Eight’s hearts tighten. An expected response but a hurtful one, nonetheless. “A-aren’t we friends, though?”

“Work friends.” Three rolls her eyes again but stops to think. “Mh. Well, I suppose since we’re hanging out at this party today, I could update your status in my book.”

“Thanks?”

“Oh, baby,” Three says. Eight flinches at the use of the pet name. The girlfriend, who is the one being addressed, looks down at Three. “You got something. Right there, let me just-“

The girlfriend giggles and bends down for Three to gently touch her cheek. Wiping away some dirt, that’s probably not even there on that perfect face. The two of them remain eye contact through the whole interaction. Three’s thumb brushes dangerously close to the girlfriend’s lower lip. Eight can’t take it anymore.

“Cod, you’re just the best gf ever. I couldn’t possibly imagine being with anyone other than you!” says Three. She looks so sickeningly in love that it makes Eight’s head spin.

“Yeah. Anyone else would be a pathetic worm next to me,” the girlfriend giggles some more.

“That’s so true, babe,” Three says, her voice barely above a whisper now. Slowly, her eyes flutter shut as she leans in. The girlfriend smirks at Eight, before she does the same.

“Nooooo!”

“Eight, are you okay?” Fiona asked, effectively breaking the immersion and bringing Eight back to reality.

Eight took a few breaths.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just struggling to find the right outfit,” she only half-lied.

Fiona nodded understandingly. “I totally get that. It’s a pretty big party, right?”

“Right.”

Eight’s thoughts wandered back to that limousine. Being alone with Three and the girlfriend… She had effectively put herself in the role of the most massive third wheel in the history of ever. That was unless…

“Fiona,” Eight jumped up and grabbed her friend’s hands, “Please come with me as my plus one! I’m nervous and I want you there, please!”

Fiona held her desperate gaze for a few, very long and uncertain seconds. And smiled softly. “Okay. I don’t have to study tonight anyway.”

Eight could have cried. “You’re my hero, Fio!”

“Eyy, no prob! Besides, I wanna see the secret gf with my own two eyes too,” she winked and turned around to face the closet. “I suppose that means we’re both taking this train to choosing-an-outfit-land.”

Eight nodded. She felt much lighter already.

With Fiona by her side Eight almost felt a little less like dying. They had made it to Three’s apartment complex. The low-hanging sun painted the sand-colored concrete walls golden.

“Eight relax,” Fiona reminded her. Eight just nodded. There was no point to trying, no point to lying. She just had to get this over with.

It was good that Fiona was with her. Eight was endlessly thankful.

Together they could do anything. Together, they had even tackled the intimidating challenge of picking an outfit for the night.

Fiona was wearing a cute miniskirt, a big and cool leather jacket and pink cowboy boots. Both of her ears were decorated with dangly handmade earrings. One a small clay-formed Pearl, the other a tiny clay Marina. They were adorable and pulled the outfit together, in Eights fashionable opinion. Eight herself had settled on a dress that was several different gradients of blue. Seafoam teal to ocean blue. It was flowy and silky and danced when she spun. Plus, gold-colored jewelry. It was nice. Eight wasn’t sure if it was nice enough… If it even could be.

“Ey. You’re not relaxing,” said Fiona. Eight shook her head and closed her eyes. She could do this. She had to… Or she could turn around, run away and die unknowing. That option was seeming more sensible by the second.

“Oop- Here comes the bride,” Fiona stopped and smirked. Huh. Eigth opened her eyes and looked up and-

“Hey,” Three waved from across the hallway. The late afternoon sunlight was hitting them just right and Eight- Eight’s jaw was on the floor.

Three was wearing simple, yet elegant dress pants that were of such a deep blue, they almost looked black. A sky-blue spaghetti top, a cool denim jacket, fancy shoes… Silver jewelry. Earrings, necklace, bracelet, several rings… Her tentacles were pulled up too and colored orange, contrasting nicely with the outfit and complementing her eye. Speaking of which… Were they wearing eyeliner too?!

Eight grabbed Fiona’s shoulder for support. Her legs felt wobbly and unsteady, she didn’t want to trust them not to fail now.

So, Three did know how to dress. Oh BOY did they know!

Eight felt lightheaded. Oh. Wow.

“Nice fit!” Fiona commented. Eight couldn’t even nod.

“Oh, Four, hey,” said Three, “You going to the party too?”

“Yessir!” Fiona did a mock salute.

Eight continued to stare. And stare. And, okay, she had to at least say something.

“Hi,” she waved. Three grinned.

“You look pretty,” they said. Eight stared and swallowed any other words she might have had to say.

“Alrighty,” Fiona clapped her hands together, “So shall we get going?”

Only then did Eight realize that something was missing.

“Where’s your plus one, Three?” she asked, despite herself. Someone had to, it was unfortunately and regrettably what this whole plan was about.

“Huh?” said Three, their brows knitted together in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Oh no. Had they forgotten? Was this plan all for nothing? Why did this make her feel slightly giddy? Oh, she was a bad friend.

“You were supposed to bring a plus one. It said so on the invite,” Eight explained.

“Yes,” Three said slowly. Eight looked over their shoulder. Still no girlfriend in sight.

“Sooo…”

“Soo… Wait,” Three shook their head and turned to Fiona, “So are you guys, like, going to the party together?”

“Yeah, so where is your-“

“Oh,” Three took a step back. The look on her face made Eight stop in her track. Three looked hurt. Utterly crestfallen. What had Eight said? What had she done wrong? “I- I’ve gotta go!”

And with that, Three booked it, rushing back all the way down the hallway.

“W-wait! What did I do?”

But Three was already gone.

“Oh my cod,” Fiona mumbled, her eyes widened in shock.

“Fiona, what do I-“

“Oh my cod,” Fiona repeated louder, “Oh cod, we’re so stupid. Oh no. Eight!” She grabbed Eight by the shoulders. Eight blinked away tears. Fiona knew what was going on? Was there a solution for this? Where had they gone wrong? “Eight, oh man, we’ve had it wrong the whole time! Aw man, I really-“

“What? What is it? What did we have wrong?”

“My gaydar has betrayed me at last,” Fiona said under her breath, “Eight! You need to go after Three and talk to them, ACTUALLY talk to them, alright? The rest you need to figure out by yourself.”

“Just tell me please!”

“No. You need to do this, I believe in you. Just… Just tell Three that I’m not your date tonight.”

“Why would you be my date?”

“Eight, trust me on this. Say that and,” she squeezed Eight’s shoulders and winked, “And thank me later.”

“Ohhh. Kay.”

Those were the unclearest instructions Eight had ever received. But if it worked solve this whole thing it was worth a shot, she supposed.

“Three let me in please!” Eight was knocking on the door of Three’s apartment and had been for the last few minutes. So far, without an answer.

“Go away!” Three’s muffled voice sounded through the door. So they were at home at the very least.

“We should talk,” Eight explained and kept knocking.

“No, leave me alone.”

Eight sighed. She was not going to turn around now, not when she had come this far. Not, now that she was this close to figuring this mess out.

She stopped knocking and took a few steps back. If Three didn’t want to open the door, Eight would have to find another way of getting in.

Eight put all of her strength into what could only be described as the mightiest kick of her career. The door didn’t stand a chance. Wood splintered and the frame cracked laboriously. Eight stepped into the apartment and found Three sitting on a couch across from the late door.

To Eight’s utter horror Three’s eyes were bloodshot, her eyeliner smeared and her cheeks red. Eight had screwed up big time. She felt her heart tighten with guilt.

“You kicked down my door,” Three stated as she stared at Eight in disbelief.

“Yeah,” said Eight.

“Okay. Whatever,” Three sniffled and slumped back on the couch, crossing her arms.

Eight took a step towards her. “Why’d you run away?” she asked carefully.

“Look,” Three sighed deeply, “I’m sorry. I know you wanted to hang out tonight and I know that it’s dickish to cancel last minute but I… I just can’t do it.”

“Why?”

“Because!” Three said exasperatedly but deflated just a second later, “I… probably misread some things. It’s not your fault. But I’d really like to be alone now. So, if you could kindly let yourself out.”

Eight frowned. She needed to understand where she had gone wrong and make it right. Cod, she was just stumbling from one awkward situation into the next and now Three was hurt so badly that she was crying. But Eight didn’t know what else to say. If Three wanted to be left alone, she should probably respect those wishes.

“Fiona is not my date,” Eight tried her friend’s advice. She wasn’t sure what it would achieve, but trying couldn’t hurt. Even if Three didn’t respond to it at all-

“She’s not?” Three looked up.

Oh.

“No. Why would you think that?”

“Because you said she was your plus one. Just a minute ago.”

Eight nodded. “Yes. As a friend. Not as a date. She’s my friend,” she explained patiently.

“Oh. Okay,” said Three, “Because when I asked you the other day about plus ones, you said you meant that as a date.”

Ah. So was that were the problem was? Unclear communication? Did that check out? “Yes. For you. And you didn’t bring one.” Eight looked around the room, almost expecting the secret girlfriend to jump out from somewhere after all. The possibility was seeming more and more unlikely.

“Who the shell would I bring?” Three threw up their arms.

“So…” Eight probed, “You… Don’t have a secret girlfriend?”

“What.” Three said blankly.

“A secret girlfriend. A girl that you date, but in secret, because you’re such a private person.” Three blinked several times. Eight continued her explanation. “Your keychain. Fiona told me it was to signal availability. You threw it away, because you started dating your secret girlfriend.”

“Oh, that thing,” said Three, “No. I got that when I was 14 because I thought it would help me get a date…. Uh. It didn’t.” She looked to the side. “Gosh, I can’t believe I used to wear that thing to octovalley. How embarrassing,” she said under her breath.

Eight blinked. “So you don’t have a girlfriend.” Clarification was important.

“No,” Three confirmed.

Eight felt like she had to sit down. So, she had had it wrong the whole time. Maybe her detective abilities weren’t as refined as she had thought but she hardly found it in herself to care right now. She was too overwhelmed by the gigantic wave of what had to be relief wash over her. It was like all of the tension of the last few days was being lifted off her, like she could finally breathe again. Eight sighed.

“Wait,” Three sat up a bit straighter, “Is this what all of this has been about? The truth or dare? The party invitation? The jumping out from random places everyday? Helping me with work? Was all that just some kind of game to you?”

“Um. That was part of my plan yes.”

“Why didn’t you just ask?”

“Because I thought you wouldn’t answer. You’re kind of secretive about those type of things,” Eight explained.

“So your solution was to, what? Trick me into admitting something?”

“Um. Yes.”

Three pinched the bridge of her nose. “Cool. And here I thought you actually liked spending time with me…”

Hey now. “Wait, I do! I-“

“Sure,” Three said drily, “Why do you even care so much about this?”

“I just, I… I had to know, okay.” It was the only choice Eight had had, really. The possibility of scaring Three off and remaining clueless about the inkling’s relationship status had seemed like a terrible, horrible, unthinkable option. Three dating someone… Eight just had to make sure that that hypothetical person was worthy, was good enough, was treating them right, was… That was her duty as a friend, wasn’t it?

Eight thought and hummed. Three didn’t have a girlfriend. That, she knew by now. Why did that information make her feel so… good? That was not how good friends felt about their friend’s non-existent partners. If Eight was being really honest with herself, she had never liked the secret girlfriend. Even when she had known nothing about her at all.

The mere thought of Three having someone else had been-

Someone… Else?

Eight gasped. And suddenly, there it was. The label to put on the ugly feeling bubbling inside of her. It made sense. It made terrible sense, oh no why hadn’t she-

Everything almost made sense. There was just one more thing…

She turned to Three, who was watching her silently. “You thought I wanted you to be my plus one tonight,” Eight said. Her own voice sounded so very far away.

Three winced and turned away. That was answer enough. “Can you please just go? I can’t do this.”

Eight crossed the room and sat down next to Three. “We never finished playing that game of truth or dare,” she said breathlessly, “I believe it’s my turn.”

Three looked at her, fear glittered in her eyes. But also, the tiniest drop of hope.

“Don’t- don’t make me do this,” Three said in a hushed voice.

“Truth or dare rules are sacred. Please play.” Three remained silent. She didn’t protest. Eight’s voice trembled as she asked the question of all questions. “Truth or dare.”

“Dare.”

“Three…”

Three held her gaze and sighed. “Truth.”

“Who do you have a crush on?” Eight moved closer. Three wouldn’t look at her.

“You know. Don’t make me say it,” they pleaded.

“Please.”

Three chuckled humorlessly “Can’t we just ignore this part and skip right to the rejection, this is like torture and I feel like I’m misreading everything again and-“

“Please. I need to hear it to be sure,” Eight moved closer. Three finally faced her. They were so close. Almost nose to nose. This close, Eight could see their eyes more clearly than ever before. One bright sunset orange, the other a dull turquois. Understanding seemed to settle in both of them.

Three let out a shaky breath that tingled Eight’s skin. “Tell you what. I’ll say it, but only if you pick ‘dare’ next.”

Eight smiled. “Deal.”

“Okay.” Three took a deep breath. Eight watched her closely. Closer than she had probably ever watched anything or anyone ever. She didn’t dare blink, didn’t even dare think. Everything depended on that one thing, this one detail she couldn’t be wrong about. This one word she had to hear. This answer. Seconds dragged on like years, the only sound being the rapid beating of Eight’s own hearts.

“It’s you,” Three said at last. Eight felt like she was being set alight. “So, truth or-“

“Dare!”

Eight didn’t wait for Three to propose a challenge. She put both her hands on either side of their face and pulled her into a kiss. Three kissed her back almost immediately, Eight swore she could feel her smile against her lips.

After a while, they parted again but stayed close. Eight let her hands sink down and rested them on Three’s shoulders instead. It was like her brain had been replaced by cotton candy, no coherent thoughts were forming and maybe that was okay.

“Actually,” Three smired “I was gonna dare you to do another flip since that first one was so cool.” Eight’s face dropped. “Kidding! Just kidding, that was great.”

Eight wanted to hit them, just a little bit. But they were so very beautiful in the light of the late afternoon, with their cheeks flushed bright red. And that smile. Eight felt like melting.

“Would you like to be my plus one for the party?”

“If you let me fix my face first. I’m all yours,” Three winked but winced a second later. “Oh, that sounded so cheesy, sorry. I’m not thinking very clearly.” They buried their face in their hands.

Eight giggled. She couldn’t stop smiling.

At last, it seemed like it was another incredible case solved by the very talented and knowledgeable Agent Eight… Even it took a while to arrive at the right conclusion.