Chapter Text
BuzzFeed Celebrities Play: Truth or Drink (Exes Edition)
Featuring: Rose Landry & Shane Hollander-Rozanov
[VIDEO OPEN]
Rose: (Sitting relaxed, one leg crossed over the other. She’s wearing a perfectly tailored linen vest and trousers, looking completely at home in front of the studio lighting. She gives a brief, easy nod to the camera.) I’m Rose Landry. I am an actress.
Shane: (Sitting opposite her, wearing a dark, sleeveless blue knit top, arms crossed over his chest. He has a dry, slightly defensive tilt to his mouth.) And I’m Shane Hollander Rozanov. I play center for the Ottawa Centaurs.
Rose: (Points a manicured finger at him, looking at the crew behind the camera.) He has his game-face on for a YouTube video. Look at him bracing himself.
Shane: (A genuine, fast laugh breaks his stiff posture.) I’m just preparing myself for whatever terrible questions your publicist cleared for this.
Rose: My publicist loves you, Shane. I am the one you should be worried about. (She reaches into the pink bucket and pulls out the first thick card, sliding her sunglasses up onto her head.) All right. Let’s see what we have.
Shane: Tell me again, why are you wearing sunglasses inside?
Rose: (Fixes him with an unimpressed look) It’s fashionable, Shane.
Shane: (Smiles at her) I remember when high people wore sunglasses like that to hide their eyes.
Rose: What do you know about getting high? You’re not that cool.
Shane: Just read the card.
[CUT]
Rose: "You dated for some time while Shane was still playing for the Montreal Metros. What was the absolute worst date you went on during that time, and who was responsible for it?" (Rose doesn't even finish reading before she points the card directly at Shane.) You. One hundred percent you.
Shane: (Groans, covering his face with one hand, though he’s grinning underneath it.) Okay, look. In my defense—
Rose: (To the camera) He took me to a high-end vegan sushi restaurant in Toronto. Which sounds fine, except Shane was so stressed about an upcoming game against the Boston Raiders that he spent the entire dinner using his chopsticks to demonstrate a neutral-zone trap on the table runner.
Shane: It was a huge game, Rose! Our forecheck was completely failing at the time, and I was trying to explain the spatial layout—
Rose: He moved my avocado roll to represent Ilya Rozanov, and then he accidentally flipped a piece of pickled ginger into my lap while trying to show how he was going to beat Ilya on the face-off.
Shane: (Laughing openly, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.) I apologized! I cleaned it up!
Rose: You didn't clean it up, you got flustered and started wiping my knee with a linen napkin like you were trying to buff out a scratch on a car. It was the least romantic thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ve been in three independent Canadian indie dramas.
Shane: (Shaking his head, reaching for his glass) Yeah. That’s fair. I’m not even going to defend it. (He takes a drink.) I was a terrible boyfriend.
Rose: You weren't a terrible boyfriend, Shane. You were just a very stressed-out closeted hockey player who was entirely focused on the opposing team's captain.
[CUT]
Shane: (Dives into the bucket, pulling a card and reading it with a dry, ironic curl to his lip.) "When you and Ilya came out and announced your marriage, the internet went wild with theories about the timeline. What is the craziest rumor you’ve read about your past relationship with Rose?"
Rose: (Leans back, counting on her fingers.) Oh, I’ve read them all. Theory number one: I was a professional 'beard' hired by the Montreal Metros PR department to keep Shane's image straight.
Shane: (Snorts loudly) Which is hilarious, because if the Metros were going to hire a professional beard, they probably would have picked someone who didn't immediately call me out for being a terrible liar within three weeks.
Rose: Exactly. Theory number two was much more dramatic: that you cheated on me with Ilya while we were dating.
Shane: (Sighs, rubbing the back of his neck) Yeah. That one actually sucked to read.
Rose: (To the camera) It's total garbage. Shane could barely manage to text me back on time, let alone coordinate a secret bicoastal affair between Montreal and Boston while playing eighty games a season. He doesn't have the bandwidth for infidelity.
Shane: Hey! I have great bandwidth.
Rose: You have a calendar, Shane. That's it. (She looks back at the card.) Oh, and the third one: that you cheated on Ilya with me. Which is my personal favorite, because the idea of anyone successfully cheating on Ilya Rozanov without him finding out and throwing a hockey stick through a window is statistically impossible.
Shane: (Laughing hard, leaning back in his chair) He did find out about our relationship because it was all over the tabloids. But we weren’t on speaking terms during that time.
Rose: (Pours herself a tiny bit more) The truth is just boring to the internet. We dated, we realized within two months that we were entirely wrong for each other, had a really good talk about it, and became best friends.
Shane: (Genuinely, looking at her) And you were the first person I actually talked to about being gay. You made it feel like it wasn't a disaster.
Rose: (Softly, smiling) Because it wasn't. It just meant I got a permanent pass to the Centaurs' family lounge and a really great suit out of the deal.
[CUT]
Rose: (Pulls a card) "Did you know about Shane and Ilya’s relationship before they came out? And if so, what was the most unhinged thing you had to do to keep it a secret?" (Rose bursts out laughing.) Do you want me to answer that, Shaney?
Shane: (Buries his head in his hands, laughing hard) Do you have to?
Rose: Yes. The world needs to know how chaotic this all was for all of us involved. And how menacing you actually are under that polite exterior. (To the camera) Shane is a perfectionist, right? So when he told me about his relationship with Ilya -it was in person, of course- he told me that in our chats we should use a code name for Ilya, which is the same code name he had his contact saved under. It was a girl’s name.
Shane: It was practical! If anyone hacked my phone, or if a teammate saw a text pop up on the lock screen while I was in the shower—
Rose: So for years I had Ilya’s number saved under the name “Lily,” and we were texting constantly whenever Shane was playing a game to offer commentary.
Shane: Wait, what?? You did that?!!
Rose: Shane was playing a game once and I was at a high-end premiere afterparty, wearing a couture gown, and my purse started vibrating. I couldn’t reach into it because I was being professional, so my assistant did. She hung up and told me it was urgent. I went with her to the bathroom and she whispered— (Rose makes a whispering signal with her hand) —“It’s your secret girlfriend.”
(The whole crew and Shane burst out laughing) Rose: Apparently, I was always texting Lily to the point that my assistant thought I was in a low-key relationship with her. I had to go with it because I actually didn’t know what to say.
Shane: (Chaotic grin, entirely unbothered) It worked, didn't it? Nobody knew about us.
Rose: Yes. And there is a girl out there who thinks I had a relationship with a girl named Lily. You owe me a lifetime of favors for that.
[CUT]
Shane: (Pulls a card) "Rose, you were Shane’s Best Woman at his wedding to Ilya. What was the most stressful part of that day?"
Rose: (Without missing a beat) Preventing Ilya from seeing Shane before the ceremony. Ilya has zero impulse control. He kept trying to break into the room because he claimed he 'forgot how to tie his own bow tie,' but really he just wanted to look at Shane.
Shane: He did forget how to tie it, though. But after I went to the hallway to fix it for him, turned out my dad was going to do it for him anyway. He just wanted an excuse to see me, as if we didn’t spend the morning together.
Rose: Yes, and I had to stand there holding a garment bag over your head like a security guard so nobody would take a photo. It was complete chaos. (She looks at Shane’s outfit in the chair.) Also, making sure your suit didn't have a single wrinkle on it. Because if Shane saw a crease in his trousers before walking down the aisle, he would have had a tactical meltdown.
Shane: I like things neat, Rose. It was a big day.
Rose: You were vibrating, Shane. But yes, it was a big day, the happiest day— (Her eyes water a little) —and you looked good. Both of you did. Even if Ilya did try to kiss you before the officiant even finished the first sentence.
Shane: (Smiling fondly, looking down at his ring) Yeah. He was a little impatient.
Rose: Oh my god, you’re so in love it’s embarrassing. But let me tell you guys, trying to manage a wedding where a third of the guests are hockey players is not for the weak.
Shane: Yes, you were the right choice.
[CUT]
Rose: (Pulls a card) "How do your respective fanbases react to your friendship now, considering your history?"
Shane: The hockey fans are mostly just glad we don't ignore each other at events. I don’t follow a lot of what people say on the internet, but Ilya and my agent tell me about all the reactions. Centaurs fans like when Rose comes to our games in Ottawa and LA. For a long time, the media tried to paint it like this massive, dramatic heartbreak scenario where you were devastated and I was brooding in Montreal.
Rose: (Snorts) Devastated? I was literally dating a gorgeous French cinematographer three weeks later. I was doing great.
Shane: Exactly. But the internet loves a narrative. Now, though, the fans mostly just make memes about how Rose is the only person allowed to yell at Ilya and get away with it.
Rose: Oh, I love yelling at Ilya. It’s my favorite hobby. He treats everyone else like he’s the big, scary Russian, but the second I walk into the kitchen, he knows he has to clean up his crumbs or I’ll tell his mother-in-law.
Shane: (Laughing) You really do. You have more leverage over him than the general manager does. But I’m warning you, my mom doesn’t scare him anymore. She’s actually more likely to take his side and he knows it.
Rose: That doesn’t matter because I have the folder, Shane. I have all the text messages and timelines and late-night confessions. If he ever gets annoying, I’m leaking it all.
[CUT]
Shane: (Pulls a card, reads it, and his eyebrows shoot straight up. He stares at Rose, then slowly reaches for the whiskey bottle.)
Rose: (Narrows her eyes, instantly alert) Oh, no. Read it. You can't just drink without reading the prompt, Hollander. That’s against the rules.
Shane: (Sighs, a sharp, chaotic glint in his eye as he looks at the card) "What is one secret about Ilya that Shane has told Rose, but has never admitted to his teammates or the press?"
Rose: (A massive, devious grin spreads across her face) Oh, I know this one. I know exactly what it is.
Shane: (Points a finger at her, pouring a double shot) If you say a single word, Landry, I am telling everyone on your next red carpet what you did with the hotel room service cart in Vancouver.
Rose: (Gasps, completely thrown off, her cheeks flushing pink) That was an accident! The wheels were broken!
Shane: It wasn't an accident, you rolled a silver platter of club sandwiches into an elevator full of tourists. (Shane looks at the camera, completely deadpan, and downs the whiskey in one smooth motion.) Next card.
Rose: (Shaking her head, laughing) You are so protective of him. It’s actually ridiculous. He’s a grown man, a menace, Shane. He can handle people knowing his secrets.
Shane: Not this one. The Centaurs’ locker room has enough chirp material on both of us; they would never let him live it down.
[CUT]
Rose: (Draws a card, smirk returning) All right, my turn to put the pressure on. "Me: I have high standards. Also me: Would let Shane Hollander completely rearrange my life and I’d say thank you. Rose, what is the most obsessive organizing thing Shane has ever done to your personal space?"
Shane: (Groans) I don't even do it that often.
Rose: Shane. You came over to my apartment to help me pack for a shoot in London last year. I left the room for ten minutes to take a call from my agent, and when I came back, you had categorized my entire makeup bag by expiration date and alphabetical brand name.
Shane: (Defensively) Half of those lipsticks were from three years ago, Rose! They were a biological hazard! I was protecting your skin!
Rose: You threw away a limited-edition Chanel gloss because it was three months past its 'optimal shelf life'!
Shane: It was separating, Rose! It looked like oil paint!
Rose: (To the camera) See? He’s a maniac. He pretends he’s this quiet, polite hockey player, but underneath the nice hair, he is a military dictator with a label maker.
Shane: (Shrugging, entirely unbothered now) It looked much better when I was done. You found your brushes immediately.
Rose: (Takes a drink) I did. But I still miss the Chanel gloss.
[CUT]
Shane: (Pulls a card) "Does Ilya ever get genuinely jealous of how close you two are, given that you used to be together?"
Rose: (Laughs out loud) Ilya? Jealous of me? Ilya thinks I’m a genius–
Shane: he gets jealous sometimes–
Rose: We actually text more than Shane and I do now because we’re constantly coordinating how to manage Shane’s stress levels during the playoffs.
Shane: (Squints at her) Wait. You guys text behind my back about my stress levels?
Rose: Obviously. Ilya will text me from the Ottawa locker room like, 'Rose, Shane is doing the eyebrow scowl again, he is fighting the calculator in his head, what do I do?' And I’ll tell him to go buy you a very specific brand of chocolate or leave you alone for twenty minutes.
Shane: (Stares at her, completely flabbergasted but unable to hide his smile) I cannot believe my husband and my ex-girlfriend are running a joint mental health task force for me.
Rose: We’re a team, Shane. It takes a village to keep a perfectionist center from imploding. Ilya handles the physical stuff on the ice, and I handle the lifestyle management.
Shane: (Takes a sip of his drink, shaking his head) I am surrounded by chaotic people. I don't know how this became my life.
Rose: You chose us, Hollander. You picked the two loudest people in North America to be your inner circle.
Shane: (Blushes) Apparently, I have a type.
[CUT]
Rose: (Pulls the final card) "If you two had to play a one-on-one game of hockey right now, who wins, and what are the stakes?"
Shane: (Instantly, with zero hesitation) Me. By twenty goals.
Rose: (Offended) Excuse me? I have very good skating skills, Shane! I did all my own stunts for that sports drama last year!
Shane: Rose, you skated in a straight line toward a green screen while wearing full body armor. If I put you on the ice right now, you’d drop your stick the second I came within three feet of you.
Rose: I have grit! I have performance energy!
Shane: You have drama, Rose. Hockey requires edges. (Shane looks at the camera, his competitive, slightly unhinged side showing.) The stakes would be the text files. If she wins, she gets to keep them. If I win, I get to have them.
Rose: (Glares at him, then immediately downs her entire glass of whiskey) Absolutely not. I am keeping those text messages forever. They are my retirement fund.
Shane: (Laughs, reaching over to pat her arm) That’s what I thought.
Rose: (Turns back to the camera, adjusting her hair, completely recovering her polished composure in a split second.) And that is all the time we have for BuzzFeed's Truth or Drink. Thank you for watching, go buy tickets to my new film, and go watch Shane do his little face-offs in Ottawa.
Shane: (Smiling brightly, waving) Thanks guys. See you at the rink.
[VIDEO CLOSES]