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Everyone in the circus has gotten comfortable with this arrangement.
It’s got its inconveniences, and it’s tinged with a grief that Jax can never be the same as he once was, and can’t be part of everyone’s lives the same way he could have. But it works.
And honestly, Pomni is willing to do whatever she needs to. Is it healthy that she refuses to accept a loss of someone so close to her?
Maybe not, but it’s not like death is actually possible. Whether abstraction counts as death is an extremely blurry gray area, anyways. They’re all just mind files manifested physically, so who’s to say that their corruption equals their death?
Besides, how can she really believe that Jax is dead when she can see him, laugh with him, touch him, and hold him?
She tries not to think about it too hard, generally. To stave off those thoughts and prevent any existential crises (which are now far more dangerous to entertain than they were in the real world,) she leaves her room and makes her way to Jax’s tent.
The ability to conjure means that they’ve got at least some semblance of flexibility, and keeping Jax in the tent means that everyone can still visit him. Though everyone else often does so in pairs—Zooble and Gangle went together to have a conversation that Pomni has not asked about the details of ever since she saw the two emerging from the tent with Gangle smiling and Zooble sending a nod her way. Jax seemed a little more easygoing when she saw him next, so the conversation must have been helpful for all of them.
Pomni did go with Caine. And Ragatha. It was tense during that first visit with Ragatha, but surprisingly, the shooting range came in handy. They would talk between rounds, and the next time, Ragatha went to talk to him alone. Pomni was initially alarmed by the tears pricking at her eyes when she returned, but Ragatha reassured her that it went well; they had even conjured something new for him, something that Ragatha wanted everyone else in the circus to have, too.
The outfit changes were more than welcome. Overdue, if she was being honest. She had accepted her identity as Pomni, but having to stay in one outfit all the time was boring at best and demeaning at worst.
It was nice to be able to collect a wardrobe of outfits she liked rather than having to conjure a new outfit every time she wanted to change. And based on how everyone else started changing up their styles too, with even Gangle and Zooble sporting new variations of outfits on the daily, she wasn’t the only one.
The next time she visited Jax, she was looking forward to seeing what he’d change into. She can’t imagine he wouldn’t take the opportunity for some variety. Though she can’t say she was very surprised by the jeans and baggy gray hoodie that he sported.
She was surprised, though, that he didn’t change from this outfit on any of her next visits.
A couple of days later, she couldn’t help but ask.
“Have you not had any other outfits you liked?”
Jax looked up from the pile of papers he was rifling through. It looked like it was all sheet music, but Pomni couldn’t help but notice the notably bubbly anime-like doodles adorning the corners of some of them. Made her happy to know that Gangle was getting a little more comfortable, too.
“Hm?” He tilts his head and furrows his eyebrows as he catches her eye.
“You haven’t changed your outfit ever since we got that update. Do you…” She struggles for a good way to ask the question. “...not like anything else?” She settles on.
To her surprise, the question makes him avert his gaze from her, darting off into the corner. “I dunno, I never really cared that much in the real world.” He shrugs, focusing his attention back on the papers. “I mean, yeah, this is more comfortable than the overalls, but it’s… not something I really ever put much thought into.”
Pomni supposes that’s fair, but she’s gotten used enough to his body language to notice him curling in on himself and looking away from her like that. And when she thinks back to the flashback she saw of him with Ribbit, how pleasantly surprised he looked when he was wearing her bowtie…she doesn’t know how truthful he’s being, here.
“Did you want to try something new sometime? Just for fun?” She pushes.
“Psh. Like you’re one to talk, you have almost as much of a cartoon character wardrobe as I do.” He scoffs, gesturing to her outfit. One of her many sweaters and pairs of leggings. The only real variety she had was different sweaters; some solid colors and some patterns.
“Well, touché.” She nudges him on the shoulder and grins, her smile getting wider when he returns the gesture with one of his own. “But still. Offer’s always open, if you wanna try together.”
“Oooh, didn’t know we were moving that fast, PomPom.” What–what is he—oh. She still doesn’t know what she looks like when she blushes, but she can tell that she is by the rush of heat to her face at the implication. She doesn’t know whether being able to feel that is a blessing or a curse. Still, she can’t help but laugh, and push him a little harder this time.
“Ha, you wish!” She catches him moving to retaliate with another shove, and makes a reach for his wrists as she dodges. He’s thrown off by the extra weight he was using to shove her being lost to the air, and she uses that to secure his wrists and pin him down. His smile turns wicked, almost hiding the fiery red blush that has taken over his face. Almost.
“Kinky.”
“Nah.” She grins. “This is as close as you’re gonna get.” She hesitates on her next words, but is emboldened by Jax’s grin falling just slightly. “Unless you want to sit nice and pretty for me.”
His pupils go big, smile falling. “I–you—you didn’t just—” His protests are undercut by how he looks up at her reverently, wrists going lax in her grip. Bingo.
---
The next day, she decides to conjure up a new shirt for herself before visiting Jax. It’s a plain blue off the shoulder shirt. Nothing flashy, but considering their talk yesterday, she figures she should switch up her wardrobe a little.
When she steps into the tent, the abstracted form of Jax is curled up in the corner of the tent, his multicolor eyes all shifting to the tent’s entrance.
Except he doesn’t slither closer to her, like usual.
He shrinks into himself.
“Jax?”
The way that he startles at the sound of her voice and the eyes all shift away, looking in different directions that are all away from her…
“Jax, what’s wrong?” She steps closer, and Jaxstraction curls in tighter.
A few months ago, back before he had abstracted, she would have given him space when he hid like this. That usually manifested as a snide comment or a too-wide, almost maniacal grin, but she knew that was a front for the fear that is now prominently on display.
Now, she knows that she needs to pry. More than ever since he’s fully abstracted now. She doesn’t know what could happen if he loses stability while in the dark, and she’s going to make sure she never finds out.
So she keeps walking towards him, even as he closes his eyes and blends into the darkness of the tent.
She stands in front of where she thinks he’s hiding. There’s a rippling of the air in front of her, not too different from a cool breeze.
“Jax, hey.” She reaches out a hand, held close to herself; refraining from touching him yet. “It’s okay. Whatever’s going on, I’ve got you. I wish I could’ve helped you more before all this… so please, let me help now.”
When the eyes open just a little bit, and shift to her hand, she doesn’t move it closer to him. She doesn’t change her expression, instead just watches as the eyes stare at her hand and blink slowly at it.
And then he slithers just a little closer. She smiles.
He leans into her waiting hand.
– –
When she pops into his mindscape, she fumbles the landing.
The light is different. Brighter, more vibrantly colorful.
And the doors are back.
She doesn’t indulge the feeling of her heart sinking at the sight of these doors. Instead, she goes straight to the one that she remembers leading to his real memories.
Except this time, there’s no card table, no piano. It’s just a bedroom. Soft pink wallpaper adorned with rainbows, lavender bedsheets, and a small table with three chairs and a tea set. It looks far more normal than any of the other rooms in his mindscape were.
There’s another door decorated with pink ribbon on the left wall. That must be it. Will it still be…?
She turns the knob and is met with no resistance. But before she fully opens the door, she stops herself. It’s obvious that something is happening with Jax. He’s putting walls back up, but they’re weak. She doesn’t want them to get any stronger.
So she knocks on the door.
It’s silent.
“Jax? You’re there, right?” She doesn’t know where else he could be. “Can I come in?”
She folds her hands together and wishes she had nails she could pick at while she rubs her hands together in a less helpful but still distracting self-soothe.
The creak of the door makes her perk up. She peeks into the small gap, her heart refusing to calm down until she sees him.
“Jax?” She steps in, closing the door behind her. She keeps walking.
Still the same streetlight and puddles, piano, bed, shooting range. She doesn’t like that her brain goes to the absurdity of all of these objects coexisting in the same space and almost makes her laugh.
“Jax, where are you?”
“I’m… right here.” Just hearing his voice brings some relief crashing down, and she exhales. His voice is coming from her left.
She glances to the side to see Jax standing in front of a new long mirror, ornately decorated and looking like it’s something straight out of a fairytale.
In the mirror’s reflection, he’s looking at himself. He’s curled a little bit into himself, standing hunched in front of the mirror and looking at his reflection as if it’s going to bolt out at him any second now.
It takes her a moment to notice the new outfit.
It’s not too different from his usual getup. He’s still wearing salmon overalls, but they’re shorter and a little more flowy. They billow out around his knees, so it seems more like a jumpsuit or romper on second thought. As she looks closer at his face, she sees his eyes accentuated by a slight wing of eyeliner and a couple noticeable lashes. He’s wearing a black choker with a flower charm that sits just above his collarbone.
And there’s a bow sitting at the base of his left ear. Not quite the same bow that Ribbit gave him; this one is a scrunchie that wraps around the base of his ear and is tied into a bow at the front with longer tails that almost reach his eyes.
Pomni feels like the breath has been punched out of her.
“Really that bad, huh?” Oh, crap, she’s been staring, and he’s probably not taking it in the way she hopes he would.
“No. You look beautiful.”
His eyes widen, and a blush covers his face, but quickly turns down into a scowl.
“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.”
“I do.” She says, her response immediate and firm. She approaches him and takes his hand. He doesn’t stop her.
She grasps it tightly, running a thumb down Jax’s knuckles. “The other rooms are back.”
“Huh?” Pomni’s redirection seems to genuinely distract him, at least enough for him to tear his eyes fully away from the mirror to look at her.
“Y’know, when I came here the first couple times and those other doors with all the different …. “you’s” in them.” She explains. “They went away for a little while, until now.”
“Hm.” Jax looks back to the mirror. She looks with him. Something about looking at them standing together holding hands, especially with Jax’s new appearance…it feels right to her.
The person in the mirror looks different. With some edges softened out, standing unsure.
“Do you like this outfit?”
“I…” He trails off, inspecting every part of himself in the mirror. Pomni squeezes his hand. His grip tightens in tandem. “It feels…weird.”
She remains quiet; not sure if he was planning to continue that sentence or not, but she wants to give him the room to fill the silence himself.
“I dunno, it—I—I shouldn’t—” His breath is coming out in short gasps, his utterances becoming harder to make out.
Before either of them can keep thinking too hard, Pomni reaches up and pulls Jax down to her level by the arms.
“Jax.”
His eyes are torn away from their laser focus on the mirror, and Pomni takes both of his cheeks before he can re-focus on it. She looks into his eyes, seeing how small his pupils are. She moves one of her hands and puts it on his rapidly rising and falling chest, just underneath the flower charm.
“Jax, breathe. Breathe with me.”
She shoves aside her own panic to make exaggerated, slow breathing motions. It gets easier for her to do as Jax copies her, and his breathing starts to even out. When he reaches a hand to meet with one of her wrists and looks at her, a tired look in his eyes, she smiles.
“You like this outfit.” Pomni says.
Jax nods, looking back to the mirror. Pomni admires the scene it shows, the two of them sitting close together. “It feels…right.”
“Can I tell you how pretty you are?”
Jax audibly gulps, but nods.
Pomni takes a deep breath. All or nothing.
“I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
Jax’s eyes go wide again. This time, actual sparkles grow in her pupils, and her grip on Pomni’s wrist tightens.
“Pomni, I-I-” She stutters over her words, so Pomni shushes her by leaning in for a kiss.
---
As the others visit over the next couple days, Jax will end up telling them what she’s learned about herself. She’ll go into some details, and she even thanks Ragatha specifically for the outfit change idea.
But the feeling of tears falling between Jax and Pomni's lips as they kissed, and the quiet whispers of “pretty”, “gorgeous”, and “cute” between Pomni’s kisses along her cheeks, neck, and collarbone as her hands wandered with feather-light touches along Jax's waist and hips…all of that remains tucked in close to her heart.