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“I seriously don’t know why you’re still coming here.”
After a couple tries at visiting Jax, Pomni had finally gotten used to navigating back to the room where his real self is resting. The other Jaxes were nowhere to be found, but she was grateful for that. And it didn’t matter because she didn’t even need the key this time; the door was open.
A dim streetlight, some puddles on the ground, and Jax sitting up next to the streetlight, hugging his knees to his chest.
….can it even rain here? Or are the puddles just here because he’s imagining it? Can he conjure things in here, too?
In the middle of a conversation is probably not a good time to wonder too much about the metaphysical rules of an abstracted person’s mindscape, though. Pomni doesn’t really care how it all works, in the end. She’s just glad he’s still here in some way.
“I wanted to talk to you. Is it really so hard to believe that I missed you?”
The scoff that resounds from Jax is quiet. Like he’s not really committed to it. “I just—doesn’t it hurt when you go back?”
“I always tell Caine when I’m coming to see you. He pulls me out after a little while and fixes the glitches right away.” She explains.
“And you really think this is worth all that?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”
His eyebrows pinch together. He looks exasperated.
"C’mon, after everything I said? You’re the weird one for ‘wanting to talk to me’ after seeing…all of that. After I said that shit about everyone.”
“I’m okay with being the weird one.” She shrugs.
Jax goes quiet. He buries his face in his knees. She doesn’t want to drive him away by digging too much deeper, so…she is still wondering…
“You know how we can conjure things in the circus?”
His ears perk up a little. Cute. When he looks at her again, she sees his eyes shrink down to a normal size.
“Yeah….? What about it?”
“Can you do that here too?”
She only gets to see his reaction of surprise for a moment before she feels herself getting pulled back.
— —
The next time Pomni drops by, she hears music. Next to the streetlight, sitting on a piano bench and playing a song, is Jax.
It’s nice. She almost doesn’t want to point out her presence and make him stop playing. But she only lets herself listen for a moment longer before taking another step, louder to signal her arrival.
“Hey—“
“I knew you were there.” He says, slowing down the music to a stop before letting out a breathy laugh. “Didn’t want to listen to any more, huh? Can’t blame you, I guess. I wasn’t even that—“ He stops in the middle of his sentence, looking back at Pomni. “—good at it, before.” His words come out more forced. “Not like it matters now though, right?” He puts on that big grin again.
Pomni fights the voice in her head that’s screaming No! So close! Damn it he was actually talking to me! , giving him a small smile instead.
“Well, I liked it.” She leans against the lamppost.
“Tch. Sure.” He rolls his eyes, but when they shift over to actually look at her, he stiffens a little bit. She can just barely see how his frown softens into an expression of surprise before he looks back at the piano.
“…thanks, Pomni.”
Oh wow it worked. What exactly worked, she doesn’t know, but…she can’t help but smile.
“You’re welcome.”
— —
Going to see Jax now is different.
For one, Pomni doesn’t have to go through the maze of doors at all. When she presses a hand to his abstracted form, she lands right in that streetlight scene.
There’s still puddles on the ground, but they’re easier to see than before. It seems like the extra light is coming from above…
Moonlight. Stars. There are so many of them, and the moon is a crescent.
The piano is still there. There’s also a small bed nearby. He’s sitting on it, looking up at the stars.
“Getting comfy here, huh?” She approaches, but remains standing next to him.
“You say as if I have any other choice.” He puts a hand on her head and does a ruffling motion, which rings the bells on her hat. She can’t help but laugh. “But, uh, yeah. I don’t really know what else to do here. At first it felt like I was…losing my mind? I couldn’t really make sense of anything, I just felt…” He stops. “Weird. Mad? I guess? But then you showed up, and uh… ever since then, I’ve kinda just been here. Gotta do something with all this time, right?”
“Must get boring after a while.” Pomni sympathizes.
“Trust me, you have no idea. I think I’d actually take the fast food adventure over this.”
She can’t help but snicker a little bit at that. She’s happy to see him smile in response.
“Laughing at my misery? Have you no shame? I thought you were better than this, PomPom.”
“Well, hopefully I can make it a little less boring.”
If Jax can conjure things here, theoretically, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to.
She takes a deep breath, focuses, and…
A shooting range display pops up across from the two of them. A rack of guns and some targets. Pomni turns just in time to see Jax’s eyes and grin widened in glee.
“Oh fuck yeah!”
As she hears movement from next to her, probably him going to check it out, she looks at her hands and mutters “I can’t believe that actually worked.”
That actually seems to give Jax pause.
“What do you mean you can’t believe it? You’ve been doing it this whole time.”
“Wha- I mean-“
“Come on, you’ve gotta have a little more confidence in yourself. You’ve done all this,” He gestures to everything around him. Unclear what exactly he’s talking about, but he’s moving on before she can ask— “Of course you were able to make this too.”
Her heart flutters. She smiles, maybe a little too widely.
Wait, what.
“Thank you, Jax.” The words are out of her mouth before she can process her previous thoughts.
Also stopping her from said processing is Jax’s hand grabbing onto hers. “C’mon, let’s try this out—“
Also also stopping her is her other arm being grabbed and pulled back to the circus. She feels Jax’s grip on her hand tighten for a moment before letting go, and hears a fading out “Or not.” resonating before she’s fully pulled back.
She’s left just staring at the fort.
— —
After Caine snaps the glitches away, Pomni looks at her hand. She can almost feel his grip, still.
“…uh, Pomni.”
Caine’s voice has started to startle her less and less.
“Yeah, Caine?”
“Did you…want to talk? About. That?” He gestures at the fort.
She’s confused. “What about it…? Is something wrong?”
“No! Nothing’s wrong, just…you’ve been asking to see him a lot more these past couple days.”
“Uh, yeah? He, ah, told me he gets bored in there. I wanted to keep him company.”
Caine’s eyes brighten a little.
"Well, we could all go visit him, too! That is, if he would be…alright with that. And if the others want to.”
“I’ll ask him next time, but…” Pomni thinks back to that one version of Jax that was playing the piano and remembers his downtrodden expression, open and desperate, as he handed her that key. “I think he’d like that.”
“I had…no idea that abstractions could still be conscious.” Caine ponders. “I don’t…really even know what causes abstraction, after all. It’s part of why I kept them in the cellar. Second to them being…you know, violent.” Pomni does know. “But…it’s good to know that he’s still alright in there.”
She thinks back to listening to him play the piano.
“Yeah. He’s been conjuring objects there, so he’s made himself a bit more comfortable. He’s doing alright, considering everything.”
“Jax can conjure objects while abstracted?? In his mind-landscape??? That’s fascinating! I wonder why just being in the dark changes their mental state so…”
She wants to ask Jax to play the piano again next time. It was the first thing he conjured there, and he looked so invested in playing. She was glad to see him like that. Earnest and graceful in a way she didn’t know he was capable of being. It was…endearing.
Caine stops and looks at her.
“Pomni, your face is more red! Not just your avatar! Are you alright? Are there any digital ailments that have befallen you?” What? Oh. Oh no. Oh god no why is Caine the one who noticed…
“Uh, no, I’m alright, just—“
“Then what’s wrong? I don’t know what else could be causing this change in your avatar unless—“
“It-it’s a human thing, alright???” She spurts out. Maybe a half answer will be enough for him.
“Human thing? What happens with—“ His eyes glitch for a moment and he stands still. A startup noise emanates from his form. He must be looking up something.
“GASP!”
“Did you just say gasp—“
His eyes bug out and he gets wayyy too close to her. “POMNI!!! Are you in lo—“
“CAINE!!!” Thankfully her exclamation cut him off and made him back away, keeping him from finishing his sentence. But seeing how he flinches back makes her feel bad.
"Sorry for yelling. But, uh… “ She could deny it, but… well, the cat’s already out of the bag. Might as well go with it.
"…just don’t say anything to anyone else, alright?” She shrinks into herself.
“You…trust me?” Caine asks, eyes wide and glimmering with hope.
“I wouldn’t have before, but now? I think I do.” And she does mean that. As eager as he is, he’s shown genuine effort in listening to them and respecting their boundaries.
“Pomni, you trusting me means SO much to me! I—” A loud error noise emanates from him as his eyes display blue screens, making her almost jump out of her skin. Thankfully her skin is still attached to her.
Well that explains what Abel meant when he said Caine could freeze up. She doesn’t know how long this will last, though…
When a few waves of her hand in his face don’t do anything, she backs away and lets him be. Might as well see what everyone else is up to today, too.
— —
The last couple times Pomni visited were eventful. They tried out the shooting range. Pomni conjured a record player so he’d have another source of music he could listen to without making it himself; not without a comment about her being old fashioned from Jax, but hey, it was the first thing she thought of. She remembers loving her own record player at home, and can't help but wonder if Abby still uses it. And despite Jax's comments, Pomni did find him listening to some rock music with it one time.
This time, he seemed relaxed. Lying on his bed with his hands behind his head, looking up at the moon. She thought maybe it wouldn’t be a bad time to bring up the idea of the others visiting him, too.
She was wrong. He scoffed and looked over to the piano bench where she was sitting with disdain.
“Psh, you really think they’d want to visit me? I told you, you’re only here because you’re weird and there’s probably something wrong with you. If they wanted to come they would have by now.”
“And….if they change their minds?” Pomni asks.
“You underestimate how much they hate me.” He sneers.
"Jax…”
“Pomni, don’t. Please don’t make this harder. Not again. Not when I’m… finally...” His voice gets quieter and quieter as he speaks, trailing off into a mumble.
“Okay.” She relents. The signal is loud and clear. He doesn’t have to finish that sentence. “Just…I don’t know what to tell them if they ask about you. What do you want me to say?”
“…it’s not like I can really stop them from seeing me. But uh, if Caine comes…I just don’t want to be alone with him. Not. Not yet.”
Pomni smiles. “Sounds good to me.”
— —
The next day, she finds him practicing the piano again. A different song.
“Is this…one of the other two songs you know?”
Jax stops playing and turns to face her. “Nah, I was listening to some other music. Wanted to try learning one of those songs.”
“You can play by ear?”
“I mean, I guess I could conjure some new sheet music, but yeah. This was how I started.” He says, tapping the side of his head where his ear would be.
Pomni makes her way next to the piano, conjuring a chair to sit next to him.
“Can you keep playing? I…I want to stay and listen.”
His eyes widen, and look into hers for a moment. He lets out a small sigh, some tension visibly leaving him as his shoulder sag, and turns back to face the keys.
“Eh, why not. Knock yourself out.”
Pomni didn’t recognize the song, but it was pretty. She leans over in her chair, rests her chin in her hands, and taps her foot along to the beat as she watches him play. When he’s focused like this, he looks calm in a way she doesn't think she's ever seen him before. It's hard to look away. She can’t help how her heart beats a little faster, and just hopes that any heat rushing to her face isn’t visible under the minimal light from the streetlight and stars.
She barely notices how he stops playing as the song comes to an end. Only when he turns to look at her and his eyes widen. Pomni’s confused, before his face turns up to a playful grin.
“Ooh, I’ve got a captive audience, huh?” His voice has taken on that playful teasing tone, and she hopes he didn’t hear how her breath just hitched. “In that case, I wanna try something.” He reaches over to jingle the bells on her hat again. She pushes his hand away with a laugh, and he pulls back with the same smile. “You might wanna help me with this one.”
She tilts her head. He’s playing, how could she help…
The first few notes strike her. She knows this one. Even before Jax starts singing.
Daisy Bell. As much as he would deny it, he’s kinda corny for choosing this one. It’s sweet of him.
She sings along as he plays. It’s a really smooth rendition of the song, easy to sing along to. She wonders if this was one of the songs he knew before.
The lyrics hit a little different now, after her own realizations. Singing them with him….she’s sure she’s blushing. But still, some kind of courage comes to her and she takes the chance of sitting next to him on the piano bench after the first two verses. He doesn’t stop playing. Just leans his head a little closer to her as they finish singing and he plays the last notes.
Their heads are almost touching. Still fueled from the courage and joy of the song, she leans her head fully onto his shoulder. He stiffens. “Pomni, wh–” Stutters. “What are you…”
She doesn’t answer. He sighs as he leans his head back onto hers.
“Are you coming onto me?” The line that he had used to deflect before was said with an entirely different tone than he had during the guns adventure. Not sardonic, just…tired.
“I don’t know, are you?” The words are out of her mouth before her nerves can second guess them. “You just played that whole song and invited me to sing it. For the second time, by the way.” She points out.
She’s glad she didn’t hesitate, because her retort leads to him leaning a little closer to her. Their shoulders are touching.
“What, a guy can’t serenade his friend? Thought you were more open minded than that, PomPom.”
His statement is undercut by the way his face changes as he looks down at her. She was way too focused on him now to be thinking about her own reactions, but whatever her face was doing, it makes him erupt into a blush. Probably rivaling her own.
“Damn it, you keep making this complicated!” He says. “I thought I’d finally be able to forget about it, but you keep coming back, and you just—!”
Forget…?
“Forget about what?”
He stiffens up again when she says that. “Shit, I didn’t mean to say th-at…”
In the middle of his sentence, Pomni lifted her head from his shoulder and grabbed his hand instead.
“We’re kinda at the end of the line now. You might as well tell me.”
His eyes are wide again, his cheeks even more red. Then his expression suddenly steels; eyebrows furrowed and eyes set right on her.
“Oh, fuck it.”
He grabs her by the cheeks and pulls her into a kiss.
Oh!
It feels weird kissing someone with these rubbery faces and not-quite lips, but she’s so glad that it still feels nice. She reciprocates, moving her hands to rest just under his shoulders, close to either side of his chest. As one of his hands moves to the back of her neck, she feels a familiar tug. A hand grasps her by her forearm and pulls her back. Shit, not now, he’s probably just going to close off again after that, maybe even pretend it didn’t happen—
She reaches back out to Jax, but he’s just grinning and waving at her.
“Come back soon! Don’t leave a guy hanging!” His voice is fading away quickly.
She feels a tentative relief at that response. She smiles and blows a kiss to him with her free hand before his image is replaced with that of the circus walls and a confused looking Caine and… also Zooble looking at her.
“What the fuck was going on, Pomni?” They sound alarmed. “You were glitching out way more this time and Caine couldn’t reach you alone, he was freaking out—“
After Caine snaps the glitches away, Zooble gets a good look at her face. Their eyes narrow before widening. The look they give her pierces through her and makes her feel seen in the worst way.
“Pomni, are you…and Jax…”
Great. They know too. And she can’t even blame Caine, they just figured it out. She must look starstruck.
Cat’s really out of the bag now.
“Yeah. Yeah. I know, Zooble. It’s…he's alright. We're both okay." She reassures them. As much as she doesn't want to have to justify being with him...it is risky.
They sigh.
“I don’t get it, but… I trust you. Just be careful when you're there, alright?”
She thinks back to how genuinely happy he looked playing the song, how eager he was to invite her to sing and let her sit with him, and the way he brushed his hands across her cheeks as they kissed. She doesn't think there’s anything to worry about. But she still smiles at Zooble and nods.
“I will.”