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Something was up with Jay.
It wasn't too hard for Matt to tell what something wasn't right. Knowing someone for practically their whole life will make it pretty easy to play spot the difference. He can't remember what caused it or the moment the shift happened. Just that it was a gradual decline where Jay had stopped being interested in plans like before. (How could anyone possibly get bored of planning?)
The first time he noticed, Matt had bolted down the apartment stairs, nearly tripping over himself, as he jumped onto (one of) their leather couch to get to the whiteboard. He ripped the cap of the dry erase marker.
"JAY! JAY! BIRD! I got it! This is the one! The plan to end all plans! The one that will finally get us our show!-"
His preamble (rudely) was interrupted by the sound of the soft twinkle of the same two notes. Jay's long fingers pressed down on B and A# in an alternating pattern. Matt's eyes flew back and forth before watching as Jay laid his head down on the keys, causing a sharp mess of notes.
"I really don't want to do a plan today, Matt." Jay finally responded with a soft mumble. Matt felt his face contort into a grimace.
"…Did you not hear me? This is The plan! With a capital T. THEE PLAN!"
"Let's just do it another time?" The keys made another abomination of sound as Jay lifted his head up to look at him. He looked exhausted with heavy eye bags and his hair that was growing out, shaggy and uncut. He didn't even have to pull out the puppy eyes before Matt conceded. It pained him too much to see Jay be so exhausted.
"…Yeah. Okay, Bird. Tomorrow then?"
"Sure. Tomorrow."
They didn't do that plan the next day. They didn't do any plans.
After that, Jay just stopped being interested in seemingly…everything. The piano in the living room started to become dusty with how little he played and he rarely came out of his room as he slept most of the day. Matt occasionally would hear him stumbling out in the late hours of the night or just for the crack of dawn to do anything before locking himself in his room again. He'd rarely see him eat. The only times that came to mind were when he'd pour a feeble bowl of cereal (without any milk) to nibble on the times they both were awake. The short version of the story was that Jay was withering away like a plant without proper sunlight and Matt couldn't watch it any longer. He needed a plan. He needed to get his Jay back.
Operation Make Bird Tweet Again! (Title subject to change)
Step One: Never let Jay out of his sight! Matt had some concerns that if he let Jay mope around any longer, he'd lose him forever. A vision of Jay swinging slowly from the ceiling and their coffee table flipped over entered his dreams and he woke up in a cold sweat, cracking the door of his room slightly open to make sure it was truly just a nightmare. The noose in the living room finally came down after that. Matt couldn't risk him getting any ideas of leaving him and the world.
Step Two: Make sure Jay is doing the basics of living! For the life of him, he couldn't count one hand the last time he saw Jay take a shower or go outside. He got skinner in the last couple of months which confirmed to Matt that he was living off the box of Froot Loops in the cabinet between his mid day naps.
Step Three: Make Jay happy! This was the easiest step. Matt could do this with his eyes closed. He's been making Jay laugh and smile since the day they met. If he couldn't at least do, what was the point?
It was a pretty vanilla plan by Matt Johnson standards but it would be enough to get the job done nicely. Besides, the devil was in the details! All he had to do was repeat these steps everyday and solve this Jay shaped puzzle. If he just approached Jay straight up, he'd be told to fuck off in an instant. The only way to get Bird to listen is to sneak it in without him noticing. (Like how a parent sneaks vegetables into a picky child's food.) If it all went off without a hitch, Matt would finally get his Jaybird back. Things could go back to normal. Then they could get back to what matters. Getting their show at the Rivoli and becoming famous!
Matt peered through the crack of his bedroom door. Jay was laid out on his bed with his headphones, slightly askew over his ears and his eyes closed. His slender fingers were intertwined and folded on top of his chest. Each breath he took was slow but hitched slightly every few seconds. The faint melody of "Just Like Heaven" traveled out from his headphones. It was almost beautiful how he looked like the world couldn't touch him. The light of his bedside lamp hit against his soft face that was being hidden by his outgrown hair. For a moment, you could almost ignore the unwashed clothes on the floor and half drunken cups of water scattered around that hadn't seen the sink in a week. It was Jay at peace.
Which meant was go time.
Matt squeezed himself through into his room and looked over the half awake Jay. He waited for a few seconds. No response. His eyes rolled. (It was 12:30pm. How could he be asleep?) Matt plopped down at the edge of his bed, causing the mattress to shake and Jay to sit up with a jolt. His headphones slipped off his head and rested onto his shoulders. Before Jay could get a word out, Matt started up.
"Are you doing that thing where you nap in the middle of the day and listen to The Cure on repeat?" He asked. He knew the answer already as "All I Want" came from the headphones.
Jay frowned before he laid back down. "I wasn't napping…"
Matt's eyes squinted as he glanced at the drool on his pillow. He laid down next to Jay. If he was going to get Jay up and out of here, he had to do what he knew best. Being annoying.
"Right. You know, instead of listening to Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me for the thirty time in this stuffy room, you should get up and go take a shower or something, man. This room is starting to reek like a morgue."
"Fuck off, Matt." Jay grumbled. He rolled over to his side. Matt bit at his cheek. God, he was stubborn. This plan was never going to work if he was too soft. (Not being annoying enough. Have to go harder.)
"It's enough to raise the dead in here, Jay! Maybe you should get up and out of here. Change out of these sweaty clothes and wash up, eh? Because you stink. Did I tell you yet that you fucking smell? And your room smells? The Cure won't save you from that-" Matt continued to snark before Jay interrupted.
"Did you just come in here to bother me? Because I'm really not in the mood for it."
The room went silent for a moment as Jay put back on his headphones and went back to ignoring his existence. Matt tugged gently at Jay's hoodie strings. He watched as his face shifted from neutral to a grimace.
"Maybe I did. Clearly you need it!" He pulled at the strings as hard as he could, making Jay yelp as it yanked his head back and flipped his headphones off. Before he could retaliate, Matt shoved him off the bed with his foot. He hit the floor with a loud thud. With sounds of Jay complaining and groaning, a large smirk came over his face like he just hit the jackpot. Jay's head peeked over the side of the bed and he let his grin wipe off quickly. Can't let him catch onto the plan just yet.
"FINE! If I go take a shower, will you leave me alone?!" Jay barked.
"Yeah, sure." Matt lied with a smile. "Now get up."
"Matt, can you get the fuck out of here?! I'm trying to shower!" Jay shouted from behind the shower curtain. The sound of running water and hot steam filled the small bathroom. Matt sat on the closed toilet. He knew he couldn't do that, step one of the plan was still in action. Besides, it wasn't the first time he'd hang out in the bathroom when Jay was doing something. (Just in case Jay slipped and hit his head or something.)
"I just have to make sure you remember what soap and water is. Since it's been so long." Matt joked, toeing at Jay's shirt with his foot.
"…You're such a dick , you know that? I'm not 3 years old. You don't have to supervise me." Jay's whining turned into a mumble by the end.
"Yeah, I know. Are you almost done?"
The noise of the faucet squeaked and the water went from a rushing stream to a drip. Jay's fingers gripped the curtains. "Look away. I'm coming out."
"Like I've never seen your dick before…Remember 3rd grade when we were in that swimming class or you know…that one time like 2 years ago." Matt rolled his eyes. "You do know you like to sleep bare naked-"
"Matthew, I'm not flashing my penis at you. Close your eyes."
"Alright! Alright! I'm looking away! Such a diva." Matt covered his eyes with a smirk. The curtain was ripped open as Jay stepped out and grabbed his towel, wrapping it around his waist.
"You better not be peeking."
"How low do you think of me, Jaybird…?"
He heard Jay huff and grumble. "Very. Anyway, I'm going to go put on some clean clothes. Don't follow me."
"I won't!" Matt yelled, making out the sound of him opening the door. He peeked through the cracks of his fingers and watched Jay waddle out of the bathroom door, holding onto his towel. His long hair was wet and left puddles behind him. A heat rushed to his face as he saw Jay's bare back leave his view.
"I'm going out to Sneaky Dee's, Bird." Matt shouted to Jay, who had been annoyed enough to get out of his room and was laying on one of the leather couches. As per step two of his plan, he still had to get Jay to eat and go outside. Hopefully, continuing the annoyance approach would work in his favor and not cause Jay to slam his head into the wall. Matt watched as Jay rolled to his side.
"Okay. See you later." He mumbled.
Matt rolled his eyes. (Here we go again with the stubbornness.) Time to execute. He stood over him and slightly kicked at the couch cushions. "You don't want anything?"
"No..."
He kept kicking, going harder with each one. "Hey, when's the last time you ate?" As he watched Jay come up with an answer, he continued. Kick. "And it can't be the bowl of cereal you had yesterday." Kick.
Jay went quiet before shrugging. Kick. "Does it matter?-" Kick. "You're not my babysitter. You don't have to keep track of-" Kick. "Every little thing-" Kick." "I do!-" Kick. "WILL YOU STOP THAT?!"
Matt put his leg down and shoved his hands in his pockets. "You really don't want nachos? You're telling me you can resist the allure of half price fajitas?" He faked a gasp. "I can't believe you. You're a traitor."
He watched Jay bit at his lip, watching Matt's act. "…Would…would you bring me some back?"
Matt grinned. Finally breaking through. "Nope."
Jay fully sat up. "What?! Matt-"
"Sorry! Either you come with me or you get nothing at all. Whatever comes back with me is for me! I'll eat it right in front of you too. You snooze, you lose. Early bird gets the worm, eh! Just not you, Bird. I'm the bird."
Jay threw himself off the couch, grabbing his coat. "Okay, fine! I'll come with. Happy?"
"Yes! Very! Let's go, Bird!"
Matt turned the front door and let Jay walk in ahead of him. The dinner went mostly as he thought. Even when put in front of some of his favourite food, he was barely budging. Taking small bites and then pushing the plate away like a child, being forced to eat broccoli. He mumbled something "I'm not really hungry.", which was a big, fat lie. Of course, Matt had to work around Jay's bullshit excuses faux disinterest. Two people can play this game, Bird and you're dealing with a master. He pushed as much as he could onto Jay's plate when he looked away. (He was only looking away because he told Jay to look at a cute girl that didn't exist.) and pretending to have eaten too much. Anything for the plan to go right. Next step. Just as Matt closed the door, he chuckled to himself, thinking of his next steps. The plan was going so well. Nirvanna the band would be back in no time! His daydreaming of getting Jay back on the piano and interested in Rivoli planning again was interrupted by the sound of Jay walking up the stairs. He threw his coat off. Matt ran after him.
"Bird! Where are you going?"
Jay yawned before answering . "Uh. To bed...?"
"Bed?! It's like…7:30! Why are you going to bed?" Did Jay become a fifty year old man in the last few months? It had to be his inconsistent sleep schedule he developed that had him asleep on day and up all night.
"…Because I'm tired. Thanks for dinner but I'm out. Night, MJ." He continued up the stairs.
Fuck. Matt bit his cheek. If he went to bed right now, who knows if the plan would work right! (It's a multi step plan for a reason!!) He had to act now. There was still one last step. Make Jay happy.
"Wait! Wait! Jay!"
Jay stopped his trek back to his room and turned around. His expression read as annoying and exhausted.
"Um…Let's have a movie night! It's been ages since we had one!"
He cringed internally at how desperate he was beginning to sound. Any longer and he'd be on his knees, begging. Please don't leave me, Jay. Stop shutting me out. What do I have to do to keep you from leaving me? What will it take to bring you back to your normal self? Do I Does the band mean nothing to you?
Jay leaned his head against the wall, arms folded, as he looked down at Matt on the bottom step. "I don't know. I'm just…so tired. Let's just save it from another time, eh?"
Matt felt his eye twitch a little as he tongued at his cheek. It was happening again.
Always pushing things away. Just like the plans. Just like eating. Just like getting up every day and playing the piano like he used to. Just like he kept pushing him away. He was going to lose Jay if he didn't do something. He had to use the only other trick he had. (What a shitty magician.) Matt ran into the living room and quickly rummaged through their VHS collection. It has to be somewhere here. He scanned quickly through before his eyes landed on it. There! He pulled out their box set collection of Indiana Jones and waved it at Jay. Suddenly, a small glint appeared in his eyes. Matt pushed.
"Whichever one you want! We can bring the comforters and pillows out and do a classic Matt and Jaybird movie sleepover! Like when we were kids! And you can talk about the score all night long till you can't or you can just…watch." Just as he feared. He sounded very very desperate. But he waited with baited breath to see if Jay would take the bait. He prayed he would take the bait. Jay sighed, rubbing his face. He peered out his fingers and looked at Matt and the box set.
"Can we watch the Last Crusade?…" He asked with a hushed tone.
Matt beamed. "We can watch it as much as you want, Bird. Until the sun rises. I'll get the blankets! Just wait in the living room, okay? I'll set it all up! Don't worry about a thing!!" He ran past Jay on the stairs, giving him the VHS tapes, and then booking it to his room. He could barely contain his happiness as he pulled the duvet off his bed. The plan was working! It was really working! (Why couldn't his Rivoli plans work this well?!)
The night ended just as Matt hoped. A happier Jay, who slowly nodded off around the last half of The Last Crusade, curled up into a pillow next to him. As the credits rolled and John Williams score played them out, Matt glanced over at him. Watching his slow breathing yet again with his long hair, covered up his face. Slowly as not to wake him, he brushed his hair out of his face, with only the TV screen light to illuminate them. Matt stared long and hard at the image before him so he couldn't never forget it. He finally blinked and let himself lay down next to Jay.
"I wish you would tell me what's going on, Jay."
Matt awoke in the living room in the next morning with an empty space beside him. He groaned into the comforter. (Time to do it all again.)
Every single day forward, Matt repeated the steps of his plan. Wake up Jay, force Jay into the shower, get Jay to go for a walk, get Jay to eat three meals, get Jay to do something he loved, and end with a movie night. It was almost comparable to having your first pet. (Not that Matt would know. He begged his parents for a puppy and only got a fish. Who his brothers took care of instead.) Soon, Matt added new steps. Cleaning up his room, doing laundry, dusting the piano. Then, the plan stopped being a plan and just became a daily routine. The annoyance act stopped being used and the check ins began more gentle. Did you eat something today? Let's go do that. Do you want to go on a walk in Hyde Park? Are you wearing clean clothes or did you sleep in that shirt all week?
Before he knew it, it was like Jay knew what to expect and when. Matt opened up his bedroom door to an already awake Jay, sitting at the foot of his bed, waiting. "You're two minutes late today. I'm going to hop in the shower and we can go down to the convenience store. Get slushies or something?"
Matt unsuccessfully tried to hide his grin. "Of course, Bird."
It was hard for Matt to keep his focus on the movie. As much as he loved The Naked Gun and how happy he was that Jay was somewhat back to his usual self, the memories of a Jay who was rotting away were eating away at him. The knowledge that if he didn't step in, maybe Jay would be dead right now. That maybe Nirvanna the band would be down to one last member because he couldn't keep his friend from killing himself, either by starving himself in his room or throwing himself off the roof? (Was that too extreme to assume?) It made his stomach turn at the thought. Matt looked over to Jay, snacking at a bowl of microwave popcorn, nearly choking at another joke. The question burned into his mind. He had to know…
"Jay, what the fuck happened back there?" He mumbled. Jay coughed before staring at Matt.
"What? What do you mean?-"
Matt bit his cheek. "With the whole…hiding away in your room for what felt like eternity! Your little depressive episode! That! What the fuck was that?! What caused that?! Did I do something to you?!" He was starting to yell. (It only yelled because he was afraid. The visions of a hanging Jay returned.) Jay frowned.
"You didn't do anything, Matt. I was just having a moment. It was nothing. It's over. Don't get like this right now. Just watch the movie, Matt."
Matt paused the television and grabbed Jay by his shoulders.
"Having a moment is when you have those little spirals of yours you get where you get scared about germs and have to wash your hands or checking that the door is locked because you think someone's going to break in! Not killing yourself!"
Jay's eyes widened before he shoved Matt off. "What the fuck are you on?! I wasn't! I'd never!...I just wasn't doing okay in the head! I'm fine, Matt."
"Always with the pushing away! Stop this avoidance shit, Jay, and tell me what the fuck is wrong! I'm your friend! I'm your best friend! I think I deserve to know what is eating away at you so bad you'd rather starve yourself and sleep all day than do ANYTHING!"
Jay's lips pressed together before he laid back into the couch. He buried his head in his knees.
"Jay, please." Matt begged. "Please talk to me."
The living room became silent for a minute before Jay spoke up.
"My mom called back in February. I told her about the house we were looking at on Shaw Street. And that we're thinking about buying it and moving in together."
The mention of Jay's mom made it suddenly click. Matt tried to keep his rage silent and hidden. Jay continued as he lifted his face from his knees. He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing the shaggy bangs out of his face.
"She did the thing she always does where she's acting like she isn't judging us but she sucks at hiding it. She went "Oh, really! Still with Matt, huh? How long are you going to cling onto Matt? It's always about Matt. When will you grow up and start focusing on getting a job and stop living like you're a little kid?" And it just…broke me! I guess. My own mother can't even pretend to be happy for me without making me feel like shit first. Doing anything just felt like I was failing her. I'm always just failing her."
Matt grimaced as he patted Jay's back, rubbing his hand in circles. Unfortunately, this sounded just as he expected from Ms.McCarrol.
Even before the first time he'd met Jay's mom, he knew he didn't like her. When Jay and Matt first met on that bridge many decades ago, Jay wore these stupid chunky headphones. He mumbled something in his way too big sweater about his mom saying "he had sensitive ears". That his poor eardrums might burst or that the world was just too much for the poor bird. The fact Jay was out in the woods by himself in the first place was a miracle, considering how his mom oversaw any and everything in his life. (Helicopter moms wished they had the amount of control Ms.McCarrol did over her son and his mental well-being.)
It was a good thing he was out there that day. Who knows where Jay would be if he hadn't met Matt? The moment Matt threw off those ridiculous headphones, he'd planted a seed that grew day by day. A little taste of freedom. The rest was history with Jay never letting go and Matt holding on even tighter. As the two became closer, the more familiar Matt became with Ms.McCarrol and the more he despises her. Sleepovers at Jay's house felt like a horror movie. Watching as Ms.McCarrol made what was supposed to be fun be a living hell for Jay. Sowing doubt and fear into his every move. Making him anxious over the thought of breathing too hard in his own home. Seeing as she sneered at Matt for the gull to even be standing her house. He heard the way she talked about him to his parents. He's reckless! He's violent! He's a bad influence! Control your son! If she could, he would be moved to a whole country, far far away from her baby boy. They'd never talk again. (Like he'd ever let that happen.)
After the third time, Matt suggested to Jay that he should come over to his place more. Jay couldn't be more happy. The Johnson's house had just everything two young teenage boys could ask for. (The only real advantages that Jay's house had was it wasn't filled with his siblings and that his piano was there.) Most importantly, the Johnson's loved Jay like he was family. They loved him than his own mom loved even a hair on his head. If he asked to live with them, they'd take him in a heartbeat. Who wouldn't? The second they got old enough, Jay asked Matt if he'd move to Queen West with him. Matt agreed without a second thought if it meant he'd be far away from that woman. Unfortunately, moving away didn't stop Jay's mom from affecting his life. Even now, she was ruining his life. Killing him slowly. He assumed if she couldn't have her son the way she wanted, no one would have him at all. Especially Matt.
Matt pulled in him close, wrapping his arms around his slender frame. He felt as Jay perfectly slid into the crevice of his shoulder and hugged him back. Not a single word was exchanged between them before he heard Jay sniffle. Then, he sobbed and buried his face in Matt's shirt. He held on tighter like Jay would break into a thousand pieces if he let go.
"I'm sorry, Matt. I'm really really sorry." He cried.
"Don't apologize. You got nothing to apologize for. It's going to be okay, Birdie." The ideas of all the terrible things he'd say to Ms. McCarrol ran his mind as he rubbed circles around Jay's back. When they moved to the new house, Matt would do anything in his power to keep him happy and his mom away from their paradise. He'd gladly kill someone if he had to. (Perhaps just blocking her number off Jay's phone when he wasn't looking would be smarter.)
"We'll get through it together. Like always." He mumbled into his hair.
Jay nodded. After a few minutes, he slowly pulled himself off and rubbed his snotty face while Matt tried to ignore the new Jay shaped tear imprint on his shirt. With a shaky sigh, Jay gave him a smile. A full toothy grin, fangs and all. His heart skipped a beat at the sight. He tried to keep his eyes open for long as possible to burn it into his mind.
"What would I do without you?" Jay mumbled.
Matt leaned back into the couch with a smile. "I don't know. Probably die."