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Jackie took a deep breath as she got in her car and turned the key in the ignition. She rolled down the window and idled there for a moment, clutching the red journal she’d carried out with her tightly against her chest.
A week had passed since Natalie had, behind Jackie’s back, orchestrated a meet-up with Shauna down at the lake. The proximity had brought out some long-held truths, and she and Shauna had pushed through the tough conversation. Then they agreed to try to move forward together. They had even managed to spend the rest of the day having fun with their friends, who were all excited they didn’t have to pick sides anymore.
That conversation had fundamentally changed her understanding of everything she’d read in this journal. She had read the words I hate Jackie in different forms and taken them all at face value. That was her pattern; she knew that now. She’d thought she knew everything there was to know about Shauna after years of friendship, but she hadn’t looked past the surface. She’d stopped noticing when things changed.
They had decided to try again. They weren’t perfect. The hurt wasn’t gone, and it wasn’t fixed. But Shauna’s honesty had started to chip away at the wall that had gone up between them.
Jackie wanted to bring that wall completely down. She missed Shauna desperately, and one good conversation hadn’t changed that. If they were serious about finding their way back to each other, they had to start somewhere. So, after pacing back and forth in front of her phone for half an hour the night before, she’d called Shauna at home and made plans to see her today.
Carefully, she set the journal down on the passenger side seat, checked her mirrors, then rolled down the driveway to begin her trip to the Shipman house.
When she pulled up out front, just a few minutes later, she found Kevin Carnold in his usual spot on the driveway. Shauna’s mom’s car was gone, so that meant she was alone inside. The curtains were open, but the living room sat empty. Jackie’s gaze drifted instinctively to the attic window, but Shauna wasn't there either.
After turning off the ignition, Jackie reached across the passenger seat for the journal. She ran her thumbs over the worn red cover one last time before tucking her keys into her pocket and climbing out of the car.
The walkway to the front door was half the length of the Taylors’, but it had been weeks since Jackie had last been here; somehow, the path looked longer. She couldn’t remember going this long without stopping by to study, share dinner, or stay the night. She had practically lived in this house for as long as she could remember.
This was fine. Normal. This was her best friend’s home.
So why did every step toward the front door fill her with dread?
“This is ridiculous,” Jackie muttered to herself. She forced out a breath, lifted her chin, and reached out to knock. She was not going to stand here awkwardly, letting her mind race. Seeing Shauna would be easier today than it was that day on the lake, now that everything was out in the open.
When the door opened, Shauna stood there in an oversized t-shirt, very short shorts (wowza, that’s a lot of leg), her hair piled on top of her head and an awkward smile on her face.
“Hey,” she said.
Jackie opened her mouth before her brain could catch up. “You look hot.”
Shauna blinked. “Huh?”
Jackie felt her cheeks warm and gestured at Shauna with her unoccupied hand. “I mean, you look like you feel hot.”
“Oh.” Shauna nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got all the fans going and the windows up. The AC unit in Mom’s room shorted out, so it’s kind of a sweatbox in here.”
“Should I not come in then?” Jackie asked. She wasn’t sure if Shauna was trying to scare her off or just making a statement. She didn’t like not knowing.
“What? No, I didn’t mean that,” Shauna said quickly. “Unless you don’t want to come in. I’m just saying… it’s hot. Like, it’s barely better in here than it is out there.”
“Okay, but we’re hanging out, right?” Jackie raised her eyebrows curiously. “Do you want to come to my house instead?”
Shauna hesitated for a second too long, and Jackie hit her awkwardness limit. Her expression turned sour, and she thrust the journal forward for Shauna to take.
“Here. This wasn’t mine to keep, so I wanted to return it.”
Shauna looked startled but took the journal. She wrapped it in both hands, looked down at the worn cover, then looked back at Jackie. “Jack, you didn’t have to–”
“It’s yours. I should never have read it, and I definitely shouldn’t have kept it. But I’m glad I did, I guess, because at least I finally realized I know nothing about you,” Jackie said sharply. “So now we can move on. We’ll play nice for the girls, and then we’ll go to separate colleges, and this can be it. The end.”
Shauna’s brows furrowed. “Wait a minute, why? I thought you wanted–”
“You don’t want me here,” Jackie cut in, throwing her hands up in frustration. “It’s so obvious, Shauna. So why don’t you just say it?”
Shauna’s expression changed to something darker, eyes flashing with irritation. “How about you don’t tell me what I want or don’t want. That’s the entire fucking problem, Jackie. You think you know what I’m feeling, but you haven’t given me a chance to actually say anything.”
“I asked you if you even wanted me here–”
“And I didn’t say no,” Shauna snapped. “I said it was hot and the AC was broken. You’re sensitive to temperature, Jackie. You get too cold and too hot all the time. I was trying to be considerate. Jesus.”
Embarrassment washed over Jackie like a tidal wave. She looked away, fists clenching at her sides. She felt so stupid for doing the same thing she always did—assuming she knew what Shauna meant and jumping to conclusions. Even if Shauna still wanted to hang out, she didn’t know if she could anymore.
“Sorry,” she said softly. “I should go.”
“Fine,” Shauna said. “If you want to run away, go. I won’t stop you. But I didn’t ask you to leave. I still want you here. I want to move forward.”
Jackie’s arms crossed over her chest, and her gaze returned to Shauna’s. The wounded part of her wanted to turn around and go home anyway, to dismiss this as a bad idea and just forget the whole thing. But she didn’t really want that. She wanted to be close to Shauna. She wanted a chance to find their way back to each other. She was too stubborn to really walk away after one stupid misstep.
“My parents are at Point Pleasant,” Jackie said. “Let’s just go back to my house. Then you don’t have to worry about me getting too hot, and you won’t melt into a puddle of sweat.”
Shauna studied Jackie cautiously. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” Jackie confirmed, nodding. “You know we have central air. You can stay a while, cool off. If you want.”
“I do,” Shauna said quickly, like she was afraid Jackie might change her mind again. “Let me just grab shoes and my keys. I’ll meet you at the car?”
“Yeah, meet you there,” Jackie agreed. She turned away, running a hand through her hair as she strode down the front walk to her car. She let the car start up, turned up the air conditioning, and leaned back in her seat to wait.
When Shauna joined her, she turned on the radio for the drive back, hands tight around the steering wheel and eyes straight ahead. The short drive felt like it dragged on until she finally pulled into her parents’ horseshoe driveway.
“Jackie,” Shauna said as the engine fell silent. Jackie turned to face her, not quite meeting her eyes. “You don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to. If it’s too much…” Shauna sighed. “I get it. I know I hurt you.”
Jackie felt her chest tighten with guilt. She was the one who had initiated this. If she really didn’t want to repair their relationship, she could have let their conversation at the lake be an empty promise. She could have called the air clear enough to be around each other without making any further effort.
She wanted it to be more. She wanted it to be a step forward. That meant she had to take a real shot.
“I want you here,” Jackie said, lifting her gaze to Shauna’s. “I’m just scared I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. Everything I ever knew about you has changed.”
“It hasn’t, though. Not really,” Shauna countered. She reached out, then stopped, obviously questioning if touch would be welcome. When Jackie didn’t reach out, she awkwardly changed course and rubbed the back of her neck instead. “I’m still me.”
“Yeah.” Jackie wrapped her hand around the keys and nodded toward the front door. “Let’s go inside. It’s getting hot in here. We’re trying to avoid sweat as much as possible, right?”
Shauna gave her a small smile. “Yeah, right,” she agreed, turning to open the passenger door.
They walked into the Taylor house together and were immediately greeted by a gust of cool air. Once they’d taken off their shoes at the door (a habit long ago ingrained into them by Jackie’s mother), they migrated to the living room and settled on the couch. Shauna pulled her hair free of its messy knot and sighed in relief, letting her head fall back against the couch cushions.
Jackie tried not to look too closely. She had never noticed how much she watched Shauna before. Maybe she hadn’t. Maybe that was part of the problem. Now, every little detail caught her attention—the loose strands of hair framing Shauna’s face, the sweat clinging to her half-exposed collarbones. She had to actively remind herself not to stare.
Shauna’s eyes opened before Jackie had convinced herself to find something else to look at. While Jackie’s cheeks turned red and warm, Shauna smiled, shyly tucking her hair back behind her ears.
“You’re so pretty,” Jackie blurted, apparently no longer able to control her mouth.
Shauna’s expression turned surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Thanks.”
Jackie smiled awkwardly and grabbed the television remote off the coffee table. “So, what do you want to do?” she asked just a little too loudly, pressing the On button. It was the least casual she could ever remember being around Shauna. “Do you want to watch something? There’s probably something crazy playing on Lifetime.”
“Sure,” Shauna agreed.
Jackie pressed 44, and the channel changed. Whatever movie this was looked to be nearly at an end, judging by the chase scene they’d landed in. She clicked over to the TV Guide channel, watching the listings crawl up the screen.
“It says the next movie should be No One Would Tell,” she announced, glancing over at Shauna.
“I think I’ve heard of that,” Shauna said. She had tucked herself into the corner of the couch, her legs criss-crossed while she clutched a throw pillow in her lap. “With the sister from Full House, right?”
“I think so. We’ll have to wait for it to circle back around. I wasn’t looking at the actors’ names.” Jackie set the remote control down and stood up. “I’m gonna grab snacks. Do you want something?”
“Whatever you’re having,” Shauna said easily.
“Soda and popcorn it is.”
Jackie scurried out of the living room toward the kitchen, gripping the counter when she was safely out of Shauna’s sightline. Her heart was racing uncomfortably fast, and she felt so ridiculous. This was Shauna, the girl she’d called her best friend since the first day of kindergarten. A month ago, she would have pulled that pillow out of Shauna’s arms and sprawled across her lap. Even today, she suspected Shauna wouldn’t mind if she took that same liberty, but would it be too much? Would it give her the wrong idea? Or the right idea?
Now that Jackie knew Shauna was in love with her, that added another level of change to their friendship that she wasn’t sure how to handle. She knew she wasn’t upset about it. Her mother might have had opinions about that sort of thing, but Jackie never had. She didn’t care whether Shauna liked girls, liked her, or both. She just kept wondering how she could have missed it.
She needed to focus on something else, and she found an immediate solution: popcorn. She went into the pantry and got to work.
The awkwardness slowly faded as they settled in to watch the movie at the top of the hour. A big bowl of popcorn sat between them, and they both sipped on their sodas. Occasionally, their hands met when they were both reaching for popcorn. After the first time Jackie jerked her hand back like she’d been burned, she calmed down and tried to ignore the accidental touches instead.
The moment Jackie finally relaxed was when one of the actors delivered a particularly atrocious line read. She laughed and turned when she heard Shauna laughing too. Their eyes met as they both grinned, and Jackie melted when she saw how happy Shauna looked. It struck her that she hadn’t seen Shauna that genuinely happy in a long time. And all it had taken was a dumb Lifetime movie that was trying too hard.
“When was the last time I made you laugh like that?” Jackie asked.
Shauna started slightly, her expression softening. “Jax, you make me laugh all the time.”
“Not lately,” Jackie said. “Every time we’ve talked lately, we’ve fought. I didn’t notice before, but you can’t deny it. I’m always pissing you off.”
“You aren’t pissing me off,” Shauna argued, her voice staying gentle. “I mean, it’s not like you were doing it on purpose. I was oversensitive because I wasn’t telling you everything. I was so afraid of you taking things personally that I started doing it instead.”
“And you’re not afraid anymore?”
“You know everything. There’s nothing left to be afraid of.”
Jackie sat with that, quietly studying Shauna. The movie was background noise now, not even a minor priority. She hadn’t been able to think of anything but Shauna for weeks, and she was tired of trying to pretend she was doing any better now.
“Can I hug you?”
Shauna swallowed hard but immediately nodded, lifting the pillow from her lap to drop it on the back of the couch. Jackie set the popcorn on the coffee table and crossed the space between them. The moment Shauna’s arms opened, Jackie leaned into her, resting her forehead against Shauna’s shoulder while long arms wrapped around her waist.
“I’m scared we’ll never get back to what we were,” Jackie whispered, wrapping her fingers in Shauna’s shirt.
“Jackie…” One of Shauna’s hands pressed gently against Jackie’s back, rubbing up and down. “What we were wasn’t working.”
Jackie’s jaw tensed, her eyes squeezing shut tightly. She knew Shauna was right. The journal had made that painfully obvious, but hearing it out loud hurt. Until recently, Jackie had been so sure her relationship with Shauna was the one part of her life she would always have. In a single night, she’d realized it wasn’t as unshakable as she’d believed.
“We said we would figure this out together, and I want to,” Shauna continued. “We both fucked up in the past, but we can be better now. We know what needs to change.”
“Is there a point?” Jackie raised her head to look at Shauna. “You’re going to Brown. You’ll be states away. You’ll forget about me.”
“I would never–”
“Maybe you’re better off without me.”
“There’s nothing better about that,” Shauna said firmly. “You’re my best friend. I still want you to be my best friend. It won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it has to end.”
Jackie didn’t reply. She just stayed wrapped in Shauna’s arms, listening to her best friend’s heartbeat against her ear. If she tried hard enough, maybe she could pretend they were magically okay. That would be so much simpler.
“I don’t want to keep doing this, Jackie,” Shauna said eventually. “I get you’re probably scared, but I really want this. I need you to trust me, because I’m running out of ways to say it.”
Jackie heard the edge of frustration in Shauna’s voice. It was small, very tempered, but unmistakable. She couldn’t blame Shauna for being frustrated. She knew she was going around in circles. As much as she wanted Shauna back, she was struggling to get through the pain and give Shauna her trust again.
“Okay.” Jackie sat up and took a deep breath. She met Shauna’s eyes, her smile tentative. “I’m here. I want this too.”
“Okay,” Shauna echoed, reaching out to take Jackie’s hand in hers. “I promise you no more lies and no more hiding. You know everything now, and I wanna keep telling you everything.”
Jackie gripped Shauna’s hand a bit tighter. “What about… how you said you feel about me? How do we deal with that?”
Shauna cleared her throat and shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said, her free hand rubbing across her neck again. That was twice now Jackie had noticed that nervous habit emerge, but this time, she reached out, redirecting it. She held both of Shauna’s hands instead.
“It’s not nothing,” Jackie countered. “It’s the only part of this we didn’t really talk about.”
She didn’t know how to talk about it. If she could have avoided the subject entirely, she would have. But it was the one thing that still sat between them. If Shauna was honestly in love with her, if that was really why she’d slept with Jeff, then Jackie needed to hear everything.
“What’s there to talk about?” Shauna asked, shifting in her spot. “You don’t feel the same way about me. I hoped you did, for a long time, but you don’t. You’re straight. I’ll get past it.”
Jackie nodded slowly. It struck her how confidently Shauna told her she was straight, like it was a fact. She’d absolutely only ever considered herself straight. She’d been going out with Jeff for years, and she’d had crushes on boys since they were kids.
But she’d always thought girls were pretty too. She hadn’t minded kissing them when the opportunity came along. She loved kissing Shauna. Whenever she was drunk enough to be brave, she’d find her way back to Shauna. Always there. Always warm and solid and safe. Always kissed her back. Always touched her just right.
Sometimes, when she couldn’t sleep at night, Jackie found herself replaying the way Shauna’s hands felt on her hips when they kissed and the fuzziness it left in her belly. She had never felt that way with Jeff.
“What if I’m not?”
Shauna’s eyes widened. “Not what?”
“Not… straight.” Jackie looked down at their clasped hands, then back up at Shauna, her expression hesitant. “I’ve kissed girls.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Shauna half-grumbled, her gaze falling away.
Jackie gave Shauna’s hands a firm squeeze. “I’ve kissed you the most.”
Reluctantly, Shauna smiled, meeting Jackie’s eyes again. “I know. How do you think I got into this situation?”
“When did you know?” Jackie asked softly. “That it was… That you loved me that way?”
Shauna let out a deep sigh and bit her lip. Jackie hoped Shauna would tell her. If they were really starting over, they needed to keep being honest with each other.
“Sophomore year,” Shauna said, talking down to their hands. Jackie slipped one hand away, pressing it to Shauna’s chin so she could see her face again. Shauna blushed, but continued after a quiet breath.
“After we won our first JV game that season, we were at Lottie’s for the afterparty. We were both pretty wasted. You pulled me into the laundry room, and you said this was how you wanted to celebrate most of all. And we were in there for, like, half an hour. You didn’t want to stop.”
Jackie tried to remember. It was cloudy, but she could feel some of it coming back. The way the cool metal of the washing machine felt on her back. How they could hardly actually see each other, with only the faintest hint of moonlight coming in through the slim basement window. How Shauna’s long fingers cupped her face while their mouths moved together eagerly.
Shauna was right. They’d been trashed. They’d been happy, excited for their first victory. And that heated little time capsule in the laundry room was when Jackie had felt most on top of the world that night.
“I wish I’d kissed you more when I was sober,” Jackie admitted softly.
Shauna’s breath caught. “You don’t mean that.” She shook her head. “You said it was just for fun. That it didn’t mean anything. You like boys.”
“Now who’s telling who about herself?” Jackie retorted, but the question was heatless. “Look, I’m still trying to figure all this out. But I’m telling you… I’ve thought about it. I’ve wanted it, even when I wasn’t high or drunk.”
“No. Jackie, don’t say that,” Shauna said. Jackie could tell she was trying to sound stern, but she just sounded panicked.
“Shauna,” Jackie whispered.
“No,” Shauna repeated, her jaw visibly tightening. “Because if you wanted to kiss me when you were sober, you could’ve. You know you could’ve. It was just for fun. You said so.”
“I did say that,” Jackie agreed. She couldn’t deny it even if she wanted to. “But I didn’t think I was allowed to really want it.”
Shauna stared at her for a moment, chin trembling and eyes glistening, then ducked her head. Jackie shifted forward, boldly tucking herself into Shauna’s lap. She wrapped her arms around Shauna’s shoulders and held her close.
“You know how I told you Jeff gave me butterflies when we first kissed?”
Shauna let out a watery huff. “Yeah.”
“I read that in a romance book,” Jackie confessed sheepishly. “I didn’t think butterflies were real after kissing him. But I felt them when I kissed you. Every time.”
“Jax,” Shauna practically whimpered, burying her face in Jackie’s shoulder.
“Sorry,” Jackie murmured, stroking her hand through Shauna’s hair.
She knew she was challenging everything Shauna had been sure of before. A small part of her was relieved she wasn’t the only one trying to make sense of it anymore.
Silence spread over them for a while. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just thoughtful. Jackie was reworking so much of what she knew about herself and trying to piece it all back together. Suddenly, the empty ache she’d felt after being with Jeff—a feeling she’d never fully understood—was becoming clearer.
Eventually, they shifted positions. Jackie settled beside Shauna instead of in her lap, their backs against the couch and their legs tangled together. They faced each other, and Jackie reached out with careful fingers to clean up the damp tearstains on Shauna’s face.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I guess it was my turn.”
They exchanged small, quick smiles. There did seem to be a constant cycle of crying going on. Maybe that was what happened when people actually told the truth.
“What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” Shauna admitted, brown eyes round with uncertainty. “Everything’s different. Even more different than I thought. I never thought you…” She trailed off, almost like she was afraid saying it again would make Jackie reconsider.
“I never really let myself think I could be.” Jackie’s shoulders lifted in a shrug. “But the more I think about it, the more I think… maybe. I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but this feels different. Like I don’t have to try.”
Shauna nodded, those big doe eyes fixed on Jackie like she couldn’t bear to look away. Jackie’s fingers, still lingering on Shauna’s cheeks, stroked down her jaw.
“Let’s just take this one day at a time, okay? It’s our last summer before college. I don’t want any more of it to go by without you.”
“Okay,” Jackie murmured. “One day at a time.”