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Jesse looks over at Gabriel, completely consumed by the movie playing on TV, while he runs his hand over Jesse’s naked foot, carefully massaging it. They’ve been curled up in each end of Gabriel’s small couch most of the day, blankets and pillows keeping them warm and comfortable as the snow falls heavily outside.
Jesse wiggles his toes and pokes Gabriel’s stomach, trying to get his attention. He laughs, tickling Jesse’s foot lightly, so he pokes him again, little harder this time.
With a glimmer in his eyes, Gabriel turns to look at him.
“Hey babe.”
A sweet smile spreads on his lips, the same kind of smile that caught Jesse attention months ago from across the room at the overcrowded, and frankly overrated, art gallery opening. Jesse smiles back, his mouth suddenly dry and his palms sweaty.
“Hey,” he replies. Gabriel’s eyes linger on Jesse’s face as he gives his foot a squeeze, before turning his attention back to the TV.
Jesse straightens up a little, pulling his foot from Gabriel’s warm hands, who absentmindedly reaches for the other foot, starting to pull off the sock. Jesse pulls his still sock-clad foot back towards himself, and Gabriel turns to look at him.
“Gabe, there’s something I need to, uhm, tell you.”
Gabriel’s smile fades and is replaced with a look of concern.
“Okay?” his eyes scan over Jesse’s face, “is it something serious?”
Jesse shrugs and starts fiddling with the hem of the blanket that’s draped over his lower body, avoiding looking up. He should have started this conversation differently, he should have told him when they first started dating, he should have just trusted him from the beginning, he should-.
“Jesse?” Gabriel’s voice startles him.
“Sorry, I … uhm … it is, but I- it’s not bad,” he tries, giving a weak smile as he glances up from his hands, quickly, then back down again, “I trust you, you know, so I want to, I need you to …” his voice trails off as he feels a lump in his throat.
“Jesse, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Jesse nods, “but whatever it is, it’s okay. I care a lot about you, you know that right?” he nods again, knowing Gabriel’s eyes is on him, without looking up.
Silence falls between them, just the sound of the TV making Jesse aware that time is moving forward. He doesn’t want things to change, he doesn’t want Gabriel to care. He just wants him to know, so that he knows.
Gabriel moves a little closer, carefully grabbing Jesse’s hand, stroking his broad thumb over his knuckles.
“Jesse, it’s okay if you can’t tell me, you don’t have-“
“I know,” Jesse says quickly, looking up from their hands, “it’s not that I don’t want to, uhm, it’s just … it’s hard to say … out loud.”
Gabriel nods.
“I guess … I mean, I could … show you. Maybe, maybe it’s easier” Jesse mumbles, letting go of Gabriel’s hand.
He pushes the blanket away and looks back up at him, giving him a weak smile. He just looks back, worry still painted all over his face.
Jesse puts his hands to the hem of his t-shirt, tugs at it, hands starting to tremble. Then, in one swift movement he pulls it off, shivering slightly as the cold air of the room hits his now naked upper body.
Gabriel just looks, and Jesse looks back, and he can’t for the life of him decipher the look on Gabriel’s face. A sudden rush of panic hits him. What if he has to explain everything from the beginning? What if he doesn’t understand? What if he leaves?
“I … I’m- I, uhm, this … these,” Jesse mumbles frantically as he points to the two horizontal scars on his chest, “it’s from surgery, I had … my chest it’s … it didn’t always look like this. Before, uhm, it was different, because I’m trans and it’s … uhm … I don’t-”
“Jesse,” Gabriel cuts him off, his face soft but eyes stern, “it’s okay, I don’t care, I mean … I do care, but it’s not important unless you want it to be.”
Jesse lets go of a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, tears swelling up in his eyes.
“You don’t … you don’t want to … to leave?” he whispers, suppressing a small sob as Gabriel shakes his head no.
“You’re my boyfriend and nothing has changed,” he says, eyes a little wet. Jesse just nods and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.
“You sure?”
Gabriel smiles and nods, then a look of concern flickers on his face. He lifts his hand as if he wants to reach out to touch Jesse, then puts it back down. He draws in a breath and gives him a hesitant smile.
“Can I … can I touch you?” he asks, his voice mild. Jesse sniffles and laughs a little, at himself and at the situation.
“Yeah … yeah I’d like that,” he mumbles, pushing a few pillows out of the way so he can scoot closer. Gabriel throws the blankets to the floor, an urgency to his movements, as if they’d been apart for years. He reaches out to run his hand through Jesse’s unruly hair, letting his hands slide over Jesse’s neck and shoulders, lingering there for a second, before continuing do run his hands over his chest. His touch is soft and caring as he traces the scars with his index finger, his thumb circling Jesse’s nipples.
“Can you feel it? I mean, is it, is it okay?”
Jesse nods and gasps slightly as Gabriel pinches his left nipple, feeling a slight blush spread on his cheeks. He reaches out and tugs at Gabriel’s shirt, smiling as he sees a light blush on Gabriel’s cheeks.
He quickly discards of his shirt, pulling Jesse close against his chest, before planting kisses on his cheeks and lips. Jesse can feel tears starting to spill from his eyes as Gabriel continues to kiss down along his neck and across his chest. He sniffles, bringing Gabriel’s movements to a halt. He pulls away and looks at him, alarmed.
“Are you okay babe? Did I do something wrong?”
Jesse just shakes his head no as he tries to stop himself from crying.
“No, no it’s okay Gabe, I just,” he laughs at himself again and reaches out to touch Gabriel’s cheek, “I was so worried and now, now I’m just so relieved.”
Gabriel smiles and pulls him into a tight hug, leaning back a little so they both end up lying down, naked chests pressed against each other.
“I love you Jesse,” Gabriel mumbles, placing a kiss in the crook of Jesse’s neck, “I love you so much.”
Jesse smiles, feeling his body relax as Gabriel soothingly starts stoking him across his back.
“I love you too.”