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2D can’t sleep. It’s not a completely unfamiliar feeling, but that doesn’t make it better. It never has. How long has it been? A few months? A few months too long, if you ask him. The bed is empty. And... cold. He’s tried everything he can think of, smaller beds, more pillows and blankets, less pillows and blankets, going to sleep earlier, going to sleep later, different rooms, anything that crosses his mind gets a chance. So he lays in this cold bed. Alone. Listening to the clock ticking, counting every second as they go by, building into minutes, and those into hours, and those into days, and those into weeks, and those into all the months that have gone by since 2D last got to really see Murdoc. Visiting him in jail isn’t the same. And there’s only been a couple of those opportunities, since Murdoc was taken back home to England to serve his sentence, while 2D remained in the U.S. with the rest of the band. Russel, and Noodle, of course. But the new guy is about. His name is Ace. Murdoc recommended him, to play bass. He gets on well enough with the band, which is good. Even if he isn’t Murdoc, and won’t fill the void that’s been left in 2D’s chest. 2D squeezes his arms around himself even tighter, trying to replicate the feeling of Murdoc being there. Was the bed always this big? Or is he just now realizing? It’s enough to drive him mad. He’d only been just getting on well with Murdoc again, after everything that happened before, and they’d started to feel like a real couple. Like they did when they first got married. There’s methods 2D’s been resorting to in order to make the pains of missing Murdoc ease up, even a little, and he’s had to go to them an almost embarrassing amount of times. And he’s stuck doing it again tonight.
He pushes the covers away, what little there are, and sits up. He creeps out of bed, legs feeling a bit stiff, and sneaks across the room. This house is old, and creaky, and 2D doesn’t need anyone finding out about this. He opens the closet, the one he shared with Murdoc, slowly. Inside is a mess, one that Murdoc had left that 2D had never bothered to clean up, and he sticks his arm into the pile on the floor. There’s some quiet rummaging, looking for the increasingly familiar- there it is. 2D fishes out his find, an old shirt. But not just any old shirt. Murdoc’s old shirt. It’s so gross that it should really be in the laundry, or better yet, the rubbish bin, rather than so carefully in 2D’s hands. Honestly, it reeks. Murdoc has worked and sweated and slept and put in every effort in this shirt. Before any of this started, 2D’s response would be to hold it at arms’ length until he got the chance to launch it at Murdoc while insisting he do the washing. But now, it, and what smell remains, is all 2D can keep of Murdoc. He buries his face into it, inhaling and just hoping that the scent will cling for long enough. At least until a release date is confirmed. There’s other options, sure, but none smell as strongly of his absent husband. He can feel the increasingly familiar textures of this particular shirt, the worn cotton, the vinyl that’s faded after countless washes, even the slight stains scattered about that demoted this shirt to a sleep shirt. The sheer smell of Murdoc washes over 2D, and it’s just a moment of bliss. One he needs.
After soothing his aching heart, 2D stands and cautiously approaches the bed, shirt held to his chest like a treasure to be protected. He’s been keeping it under a pile of Murdoc’s other belongings, to keep it as close to the same for as long as physically possible. Even if it’s comforting beyond all belief, this is not a proud moment. 2D climbs back into bed, the frame creaking softly under their weight, and grabs Murdoc’s pillow. It’s an odd fit, and a hassle, really, but he stuffs the pillow into the shirt. It’s like Murdoc is there. It’s what he can do. 2D lays down again, dragging the covers back up while squeezing the pillow so tight it might pop. He takes a few deep breaths, relaxing at last. It’s like Murdoc is there. Almost. It’s what he can do. 2D lays there, with the pillow, for many long moments. He can just about imagine that the other man is in his arms again. But the scent is fading. This has happened too many times for it not to. That’s why 2D takes every preventative measure that he can think of, to make the scent last, to keep himself from feeling like he’s losing Murdoc entirely.
2D considers the complicated relationship for a moment, and redetermines that he would be miserable if he loses Murdoc forever. He knows things have been rough, up until recently. The odd toxicity between them until 2D had been convinced to return to the band to work on Humanz. The foul taste in every kiss, the sticky feeling after every touch, the near disgust 2D so often felt after finding himself back at Murdoc’s side, in his arms, in his bed in that stinking Winnebago. Things got worse, before they got better. It had taken a few weeks after 2D came back for Murdoc to half apologize. And it wasn’t half because of the lack of the effort, Murdoc physically couldn’t force all of the words out before he had broken into these messy, ugly sobs, nearly collapsing to his knees at 2D’s feet. He may have gone off for a drink once he could breathe normally again, but that’s alright. 2D forgave him. He still does. Call him what you want, he knows what he’s gotten himself into by this point. Once they finally kissed again, it tasted clean. Every touch, every moment, everything. It’s not perfect. It never will be. But it doesn’t need to be, simple as that. A new hope came about, really, for a better future for both of them. Where 2D didn’t need to feel ashamed, and Murdoc didn’t go so far to keep them a secret. Murdoc will be out of jail soon. He always is, they never keep him down for long. And maybe after he gets out, they can be together for real, without these interruptions, and without judgement. He presses his face into the pillow again, deeply inhaling the scent he’s been missing for all this time, the months he’s been apart from Murdoc, but instead of pure longing, he also feels hope. And at long last, 2D can sleep.