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Ever since Aizawa and Yamada brought home Eri, Hitoshi keeps spacing out.
One moment he's fine and present and everything is good and the next she laughs or says something or their guardians are paying her attention and Hitoshi loses time and bits of himself.
He never knows how much time has passed by the time he finds back to himself, but it's clearly not enough to be noticeable, because no one has said anything yet.
It's just one of his many creepy, annoying quirks, he's sure of it and it's no wonder that no one has noticed yet. Noticing means dealing with it and why would they, when they have their hands full with Eri these days?
Hitoshi adores her—he thinks he would be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't—but he thinks he also hates her.
At the very least he's jealous of her, of the attention she's getting, of the family she's getting because her getting all of that means—he won't.
He feels shitty about it, of course he does, immature and needy and like the worst fucking person on the planet, being angry at a hurt, scared, abused kid for getting a family that so clearly cares but—
Hitoshi is one, too. A hurt, scared, abused kid and for one glorious month he thought he could have it all; a family, a home, guardians who like him and who want him around and who want what's best for him and then Eri happened.
And he's glad about it, he is, because she deserves what's best for her and there is hardly any doubt in his mind that Aizawa and Yamada are going to be the very best for her, but beneath all of that he's angry and jealous and a bad fucking person.
He thinks losing time these days is the worlds way of punishing him for it, and so he doesn't fight it, doesn't bring attention to it and it's not as if anyone else is noticing either.
So it must be okay.
"What do you think?" someone asks and it takes a while for the voice to filter through the haze in Hitoshi's mind, but when it finally does he blinks and cringes.
"Sorry," he mutters because he has no idea what they are talking about and Yamada lets out a big, exaggerated sigh while Aizawa only huffs.
"You're distracted," he accuses him and Hitoshi supposes he is.
Losing parts of himself in that fog in his mind sure is being distracting that's for certain, but before he can do so much as nod, Yamada speaks up.
"What do you think? About living with us?" he asks and Hitoshi blinks, unsure if he heard him right but then Eri speaks up and everything slots into place again.
"I think it's a good idea," she happily says, even as she continues to draw, kicking her little legs against the couch. "I love that idea."
Ah, so it wasn't about him after all, Hitoshi almost bitterly thinks and replays Yamada's question.
He didn't clarify that they were speaking about Eri, which triggered that misplaced, stupid spark of hope inside of Hitoshi, but he guesses it must have been obvious from the context clues.
Which he totally missed, being lost in all that fog.
"Yeah," he mutters, listless as anything even though he hates himself for it. She deserves a family, she deserves to stay here and be loved and—
Doesn't he, too?
"Sounds good," he tacks on, when Aizawa frowns and he wonders what his face is doing right now, because it's not as if he can feel it.
He's been feeling number these days than he ever has before.
"Are you sure? If not, we can always—"
Eri sharply looks up, her eyes immediately going to Hitoshi and he feels like crying.
How can he be such a horrible person? How can he begrudge her this when it's all he has ever wanted for himself? And it's clear she needs it more than he does, anyway, so why, why can't he even pretend to be happy for her?
"No, it's fine," he cuts Aizawa's inquiry off and then gets up from the couch. "I'm tired, I think I'll just go—" He awkwardly points towards the room he's still allowed to stay in and he distantly wonders how much longer that's going to be true.
He can already feel the fog creeping up on him again and he takes a shuffling step away from the situation before anyone can even try to think and trap him here.
"Sure, kiddo. Sleep well," Yamada says but there's something in his eyes that flays Hitoshi wide open, as if he knows what kind of horrible person Hitoshi is being and Hitoshi flees without a look back.
He doesn't quite remember crawling into bed, or sleeping, or crying but when he comes back to himself, he's tucked beneath the blanket, his eyes swollen and gritty and the house is dark and silent.
Just like his future is going to be.
~*~*~
"Hitoshi, a word," Aizawa says, days later when Hitoshi tries to slink to the kitchen to scour for some food.
It's not that he's not getting enough, but he won't for much longer and he needs to build up a stash he can take with him until he can figure out the rules in his new home, until he knows if he'll get enough food there or not, but of course Aizawa would stop him.
He's not stealing, not really, because they gave him free reign of the kitchen and everything in it, but of course he would find offence with Hitoshi's behaviour.
"Sorry," Hitoshi mutters as he steps into the living-room and immediately, Aizawa's brow furrows.
"You didn't do anything wrong, so there's no need to apologise," he says and then drags a hand over his face, clearly tired and Hitoshi wonders if he's the reason for it.
If all the papers strewn across the table are potential families for him Aizawa is vetting to ship him off sooner.
"Kid, listen," Aizawa finally says and Hitoshi's attention snaps back to him, guilt curling at the back of his mind because he shouldn't try to read these papers.
It’s none of his business what kind of family Aizawa deems fit for him.
"About staying here—" he starts and Hitoshi's heart drops to his knees.
It's almost what he wants to hear, it's so close to that deep-rooted wish he has and to know that it's not even meant for him just—
"If you don't want that, then that's fine," Aizawa goes on, cutting right through his thoughts and Hitoshi blinks before the panic really sets in.
"No!" he almost yells out because why would they make Eri's stay here hinge on his approval? Why would they even ask him about it in the first place and allow that villainous, dark pit in his mind to rear its ugly head and speak up? "It's fine, it's—it's good," he presses out, in a desperate attempt to not be the fucking villain who denies a small child a good family.
He's only denying a teenager a family and what does it matter if he's a villain to himself, right?
"Hitoshi—"
"Please, can we just—it's okay," Hitoshi weakly says, the by now so familiar fingers of the fog reaching for him and his thoughts become slippery. "It's all good," he manages to add and then he must be saying something else, because Aizawa is clearly listening to something and then he's saying something, too, before Hitoshi starts moving and his body somehow makes its way back to the room.
Once the door is closed behind him, Hitoshi checks out for real. There's no need to stay present for something that won't be his life for much longer anyway.
~*~*~
Hitoshi doesn't understand why they take him to the official appointment that will place Eri into their custody and therefore mark the end of his own stay with them, but he's bundled up in the car, Eri happily chattering away next to him, Yamada behind the wheel and Aizawa humming every now and again to let Eri know he's listening.
And Hitoshi—Hitoshi is a waste of space who can't remember getting into the car and whose thoughts are still sluggish and distant because otherwise his head would be filled with hate for a girl who doesn't deserve it and inexplicably, his eyes burn.
He retreats back into the fog before he can start to cry for real because no one wants that, no one needs him making a scene right here and it works right until his mind clears again and he finds himself sitting down in front of a desk, papers spread out, a caseworker talking, while Aizawa sits to his right and Yamada has Eri on his lap and she's wiggling in her excitement and Hitoshi—
He turns into the villain he promised himself he would never become.
"Take me instead," he whispers and all the attention in the room snaps to him.
It makes him want to hide, makes him want to crawl into a tiny space and never resurface, but it's out there now and the fog is not coming to save him and his mouth runs away from him.
"Please, just take me instead. I can be good, I promise, and I know I'm not cute enough or abused enough but I want—I want to have—"
He chokes on his next breath and the burning in his eyes is back and he can't help the whimper that escapes him.
"Why won't you just take me?" he sobs out and even though there's no fog to take him away he must be losing time again because one moment all eyes are on him and in the next it's just him and Aizawa with no signs of the others.
"You back with me yet, kid?" Aizawa asks and it's not unkind, there's none of the annoyance Hitoshi deserves for his selfish display, but he still ducks his head.
"I'm sorry," he forces out, because he is.
He's sorry he's such a fuck-up and so needy and so ungrateful and downright evil because he covets what Eri so clearly deserves and—
Hitoshi startles badly when Aizawa reaches out to take his hands into his own, stopping them from clenching them tightly and Hitoshi feels like crying, feels like breaking down and screaming and sobbing but he knows he already messed up and he shouldn't make more of a scene than he already has.
"There is nothing to be sorry for, kid," Aizawa sighs out, clearly exasperated because he's had to say it so often in the past and Hitoshi shrinks into himself some more. "Hitoshi, why do you think we're here?" he then wants to know and Hitoshi feels like throwing up.
It's not enough that he has to be here—now Aizawa is going to make him say it and for one blissful second, rage slams through him before it leaves everything burned in it's wake.
And Hitoshi is tired.
"You're here to have Eri officially placed with you. I don't know why I'm here," he mutters, and he wants to scream and rage and ask why his opinion about that even mattered in the first place but there's no fight left in him.
This is just another situation where someone tells him they don't want him and Hitoshi has been through enough of those to know that nothing makes a difference.
He just has to take it and he has to appear grateful and bow his head and be quiet and soon enough he'll be with someone who won't even care for him.
It will be easier then, Hitoshi is certain of that.
"Hitoshi," Aizawa sighs out and his voice is so soft that Hitoshi's eyes burn again.
He'd rather have him yelling. Hitoshi at least knows how to deal with that.
"We're here to have you officially placed with us," Aizawa goes on and for a moment nothing feels real.
It's what Hitoshi has always wanted, has yearned for, but it's not real, it can't be, there's a ringing in his ears and surely Hitoshi heard wrong.
Aizawa did not say that.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," Hitoshi stammers out and Aizawa presses his lips together.
"Yeah, I'm starting to see that might have been a problem for a while," he mutters and reaches out to brush away a stray tear that escaped Hitoshi. "Are you listening to me now?" he wants to know and Hitoshi nods, though the ringing is still there and Aizawa must realise because he takes his hands away and signs out Listen and look.
Hitoshi nods, finds it easier to follow Aizawa's hands instead of parsing through the meaning of the shapes his voice forms and Aizawa doesn't hesitate.
We're here to officially get you placed with us. Because you're staying with us.
Hitoshi sees the signs, he can understand them, logically knows what Aizawa is telling him but—it makes no sense.
"You're keeping Eri."
"We're keeping both of you," Aizawa gives back, still signing along as he speaks and Hitoshi keeps his eyes glued to his hands.
"You can't."
"Says who?" Aizawa wants to know and at his glib tone, Hitoshi looks back up at his face.
"You kept asking my opinion on keeping her."
"No, kid," Aizawa says with a small, sad smile. "We were asking your opinion on keeping you. We have always asked if you want to stay with us. And you didn't seem enthused which confused us, but—you haven't been listening, have you?"
"I—" Hitoshi has nothing to say to his defence, because he hasn't been.
Between the fog making it difficult and his unwillingness to stay for any lengthy discussions—too afraid to hear when he'll be kicked out, that they have found a family for him, that they prefer Eri—he really has not been listening to a goddamn thing.
"We always thought you were lost in thought, these past few weeks, which would have been understandable with things changing, but—it's not like that, is it?"
"It's—the fog, it—it takes everything," Hitoshi mutters and now he feels it again, grasping at him, threatening to take him again but for once he fights it, because he needs to hear it. "It's happening again," he still warns Aizawa who nods and takes Hitoshi's hands in his.
"Focus on me. Not on the fog, just on me. Can you feel my hands?" he asks and squeezes Hitoshi's and they feel warm and comfortable around his and Hitoshi can feel the callouses on them, can see a few raised scars and he traces them until the fog is gone again.
"It's gone," Hitoshi says after a moment and Aizawa nods but doesn't let go of him.
"Hitoshi, we want you to stay with us. We want you to be our son, we've been asking you your opinion on that all this time. I don't know why you'd think we'd choose between you two."
"I'm—a lot of work," he starts but then shakes his head because no. "I mean I'm not as hurt as she is, so she needs more love and I'm just being difficult and of course you'd choose her, she's still a child and—"
"So are you," Aizawa interrupts him. "You're both children who have been hurt horrifically in your lives and there's no weighing that against each other. You're both equally deserving of a family who loves you and Hizashi and I think we have enough love to give for the both of you."
"Why are we here?" Hitoshi mutters out and Aizawa reaches out to tug over one of the papers on the desk.
"To make it official," he says and offers the paper to Hitoshi.
He skims it, but he gets stuck on his own name; there, in bold letters, black on white, it states that he, Shinsou Hitoshi, is going to stay with Yamada Hizashi and Aizawa Shouta as his official foster parents.
"It should be her," he still argues, that vile moment when he was so horribly selfish seared into his mind and Aizawa lets out a rough breath.
"It is her, too. But she wasn't ever in the system and we adopted her right away, made it official without ever involving CPS because the police needed family for her. And before you spiral any further—" Aizawa reaches out again, sifting through the pages before he obviously finds what he's looking for and offering another one to Hitoshi. "Adoption is the second step."
Hitoshi's hands shake when he realises that those adoption papers hold his name.
"It still needs to be approved, by someone higher up the chain than this caseworker, but we want to, Hitoshi. You're going to be our son, just like Eri is our daughter. We're not choosing between you. We're choosing both of you."
It's enough to make Hitoshi burst into tears, the sobs breaking out of him raw and unfiltered, but instead of reprimanding him or yelling at him to be quiet, Aizawa is there, hugging him close, holding him and letting him cry it all out and whispering soft nothings to him until he calms down.
Once he's no longer actively crying, Hitoshi suppresses the urge to apologise again and instead whispers out a desperate "Please."
"Of course," Aizawa says and "Consider it done," and "You're our kid," and then there are more hands, more tears and Eri wedging herself between them all and it's not the fog taking this from Hitoshi, but the relief of finally belonging, of having what he so desperately wanted in the first place filling him up to the brim and Hitoshi feels loved in a way he never has before.
But then again, he never really had a family, so maybe this is just normal.
He can't wait to find out.