Chapter Text
“A Sickly Noble’s Guide to Subtle Glances, Forbidden Romance, a Thousand Fragrant Roses, and the Delicate Oriental Umbrella of Love.”
SNGSGFRTFRDOUL.
Shortened version, by the way.
Easily the worst game ever released. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever—
Rin remembered taking a sip of the tea he had brewed, watching the little app icon finish downloading, seeing the pink calligraphy flash across the screen for the first time, and instantly spitting his tea out.
The monitor was one he had just ordered. It did not deserve the barrage of falling flower petals, butterflies, character art in the most fanservice way possible, and an umbrella for no reason.
SNGSGFR—just call it Umbrella, or else he would actually pass away from the sheer stupidity of the title—was single handedly the stupidest, gayest, and most horribly written reverse harem game to be created in the history of all games. Rin wanted to die every time he clicked on the app. He felt his brain cells expiring every second he played. Even worse—it was the top rated game the internet had seen in decades, taking the online stores by storm and establishing a fanbase of millions within half a week. Five star reviews on every website.
Rin had played the game for a total of around 12,000 hours. Twelve thousand. Over a year of life wasted on the stupidest, gayest, most garbage and horribly written—
He was the number one Umbrella player. GLOBALLY.
The indomitable champion of the co-op combat system. His main? None other than the most overpowered character in the current version—Michael Kaiser…that regrettably he had obtained after a rather large sum of money thrown into the dreaded gacha system. His team? The most meta one out there. (Also at a hefty price) Every collectible was in his inventory. Every chest was opened. Exploration was up to 100%. He knew all the glitches and shortcuts. The storyline? Psh, he replayed that over ten times.
In short, the game was absolute garbage.
It followed the protagonist with the largest protagonist’s halo known to man, Mikage Reo. The—as can be inferred from that awful name—sickly noble who lived the life of stolen glances, forbidden romance, a thousand fragrant… okay, he was going to stop at that. Every side character has one, if not multiple for the more important characters, dramatic subplot of them realizing their love for their protagonist. The main plot belonged in the trashcan; full of plot holes, two dimensional characters whose only personality was Reo, and not to mention the suspiciously romanticized toxic main relationship.
But the worst part. Oh. It was bad. The story’s main antagonist. The lukewarm, half-baked, uselessly jealous little brother of the crown prince, Itoshi Sae, both of whom were love interests, obviously. But Rin was used to useless characters, especially in this game. His least favorite character by hundreds of kilometers, the simp and Reo fan extraordinaire…was named Itoshi Rin. When Rin first saw him, he had felt something in him blossom a bit, out of familiarity. The character even looked a little bit like him. However, as the story progressed, Rin grew increasingly mortified. Antagonist Rin had the chance to be a good character. He really did. Except that his entire character served as a zero IQ foil to the protagonist’s never ending kindness and virtue…out of every character, he had to share a name with his least favorite. Was this what a disappointed parent felt like?
Rin had left a furious review in the comment section of the game’s annual public survey. One star, since zero stars weren't allowed. It was more than fifty thousand words long, expressing his rage at every aspect of the game. From the storyline to the horribly scam-worthy gacha system to the undeveloped characters to the horrible combat system to the—
Rin was beginning his eleventh replay of the plot. Resisting the constant urge to bang his head on his relatively new keyboard that had a dent that suspiciously matched his forehead. He didn’t even dare to drink anything while he was playing Umbrella anymore—the game never failed to make him spit out his drink and he didn’t want to get fried by a wire.
Pressing the confirm button, his progress was reset again. Rin sighed and settled into his professional gamer chair, the one with the neon lights. He had a barf bag at the ready, just in case.
The game began with a cutscene. The screen zoomed in on snow falling outside an ornate window. A pale figure with violet hair spun into a loose bun looking at the snow.
Rin spammed the skip button.
Even though he’s long known that it was simply there for decoration, and the game developers had no intent for the players to skip any scene. Even the ‘spicy’ ones near the end that made Rin want to delete the app entirely. The game was rated 12+, keep it friendly for the kids, goodness gracious.
There was a time he was playing the game on the subway, and it just so happened to be one of those particular scenes when a tiny girl sitting next to him decided to take a peek at his phone.
All three of them, including the girl’s mother, ended up regretting it. There were tears involved. And lots of questions that no one wanted to answer.
Rin sighed. The first cutscene alone was about fifteen minutes long, and he was getting hungry. Maybe he should order takeout. He always made sure to select the same delivery driver, since his first time ordering they had begun an argument that was still going on, and neither wanted the other to get the last laugh.
Nah. He was feeling adventurous. And his eyes really needed a break. Rin let the game run and finally unwound out of his chair. His spine cracked like a bag of chips as he rolled his shoulders back and stood up, frowning a little at his own horrible posture caused by 12,000 hours of sole unemployment and one umbrella. Well. Maybe multiple umbrellas. Checking to make sure his phone was securely in his pocket and that his door was locked—with a rather large do not disturb sign pasted on it—Rin shuffled down the apartment building’s stairs to begin his adventure to the convenience store.
He knew the store wasn’t far away from his apartment, but he usually would either boil some ramen or order takeout from his *least* favorite delivery guy. It was less time-consuming that way, and he wanted to avoid the cheery grandma living a few floors down who always was watering her flowers and greeting anyone and everyone who happened to pass by.
Rin never took the elevator, even though he lived on the sixth floor. He could stand the mild exercise of the stairs, but he really didn’t want to end up in a cramped elevator with one of his neighbors.
The night was on the colder side. Rin could see his target on the other side of the street. Satisfied, he stepped off the curb and onto the road.
A truck hit him.
EXTRA!!
“Ooh…can I see?” The girl looked about seven.
Rin glared at her from the corner of his eye. “No.”
“But it looks pretty, and I like the flowers.” She looked uncertain.
“…No.” He glanced at the girl’s mother, who was watching them with a soft smile.
The game’s screen flashed as the scene changed. The girl froze. Her mother’s smile dropped.
Rin fumbled his phone, which ended up falling onto the tiled subway floor and spinning uncontrollably, landing at the foot of the girl’s mother.
“…”
Dammit. At least his volume was off. Rin scrambled to pick up his phone and quickly pocketed it. But the damage was done.
“You look like such a nice young man. Why are you playing that…game?” The mother was holding her daughter, her expression a mixture of disappointment, disbelief, and shock.
Rin wanted to melt into a puddle and drip into a gutter. Maybe the rats would leave him alone. “I honestly ask myself that question every day.”
The little girl bit her lip. Her eyes were welling up. The mother looked unimpressed.
Rin fought back a sigh. “I’m ranked number one. Globally.”
There was a moment of silence.
Yeah, moment of silence for Rin’s not so far in the future funeral.
“Honey,” the woman addressed her daughter. “Let’s move seats.” The little girl nodded.
The subway stopped. Rin got off at the station even though it wasn’t his stop.