Work Text:
Of all the Hollanov fic writers around, few measured up to Lucilya105. Bold plot bunnies, slow burns of epic proportion, and gay yearning that even the most seasoned CSA winning actor could only dream of. His accompanying fanart was beautiful, and three of his tumblr ask responses had gone semi-viral. He was consistent, dedicated, and so deep in the 24×81 trenches that he'd bought both of their official jerseys and had them shipped all the way to Switzerland just to check the stretch of the fabric. And maybe to see how certain stains washed out.
So his fics were as accurate as scientifically possible. And perhaps more than was morally possible.
And while he wasn't religious, Lucilya105 was feeling God's answering wrath.
Notes:
Hey guys! Welcome back to chapter 21 of ‘Pass my heart, but don't use your backhand (I need you to puck me)’ - apologies that this one's a couple of hours late :’)
I dislocated my right elbow and broke my collarbone on my left side so I had to type up the last 2k words using a pencil and my mouth haha, but I'm getting pretty fast at it so chapter 22 is still scheduled to go up on Thursday :)
Remember that English isn't my first language sorry but I'm trying :)
Comments:
RaRaRozanov
Wtf did you get hit by a car???
↪️ Lucilya105
No… I love hockey but sometimes it doesn't love me back :’)
Sashayaway1
I love this!! Obsessed with Rozanov's internal dialogue, it's so cute!
Holeander_pucker
God gives his hardest battles to his gayest soldiers 🫡
↪️ Lucilya105
Shane Hollander, April 2017
-o-
Notes:
Hey! Chapter 15 was a difficult one to write, I hope you enjoy it :) As usual all Russian translations are in the end notes here.
Sorry about the delay on ‘Penalty box (Give me more than ten minutes)’, I was stuck at the emergency dentist and the WiFi was too spotty to upload. By the time I got home I was using all my energy to not tell my parents how much I wanted a cock in my mouth while high to even think about uploading haha XD
I have all my teeth again now though! So to celebrate I'm thinking of adding an extra fluffy (and smutty) epilogue to either ‘Russian Roulette (Put your gun in my mouth)’ or ‘Fifteen hours to Moscow’ - put your vote in the comments :)
Comments:
8124_Luvr
Lucilleeeee my beloved please keep all your chompers inside your mouth so you can keep preaching the gospel
↪️ Lucilya105
I'll try Macy but at least the Swiss health care system got me
↪️ 8124_Luvr
Oh it was free? Love that
↪️ Lucilya105
No I paid for my sins in multiple ways
Shayden24
Damn girliepop who rocked ur shit
↪️ Lucilya105
You should see the other guy
Pipsqueeeeeeek
Fifteen hours to Moscow pleaseeeee 🙏 I NEED to know how Hollanov decorated that winter cabin
↪️ Thanks_4_lesbians
Cum, hope this helps
-o-
The hockey injuries were expected. Inevitable, even. Luca Haas was comfortable that the ao3 author's curse hadn't gotten him yet.
Arguably, worse things had happened to him on Wattpad, back in the days when his internet access was monitored and he'd had to sneak onto his account using his data between classes. He got into a rhythm and then got sloppy; all it took was his mother checking his phone in the middle of the day for LucaWritesHockey to be yelled at, then permanently banned from the app. Which led him to ao3 in the end, so it wasn't all bad.
In all fairness the playboy bunny werewolf porn open at the time must have been pretty shocking to her. But you could claw omega!Shane Hollander from Luca's cold, dead hands. It was just unfortunate that was exactly what his mother had tried to do.
So while Wattpad might be cursed, it wasn't as if his plane had crashed or husband divorced him or anything wild. He was only a teenager after all.
-o-
Notes:
Welcome back to chapter 3 of ‘I'll believe in anything (you deserve sunshine)’!
Scott Hunter finally makes his appearance thanks to a commission from ScottCunter2121 :)
Really sorry Amelia, this was supposed to go up yesterday but I got stuck in my family's nuclear bunker and had to wait for someone to come find me.
My concussion is all better now though so I get all the screen time I want to write the next chapter haha
Comments:
ScottCunter2121
Thank you so much Lucille!! I'm obsessed with Hunter flirting with Roz <3 An older man would be so good for our playboy
↪️ Lucilya105
Ilu but Respectfully I would call Chris Hansen on his ass
↪️ ScottCunter2121
Yet you'll pimp out your child bride for vbucks money
↪️ Lucilya105
What happens to imaginary Ilya Rozanov is between you and your therapist
RaRaRozanov
I'm sorry you what in your what
↪️ Lucilya105
Haha it's in the basement under our apartment building, every apartment has one but we just use them for storage :) I went to get something and the door got stuck behind me oops
ShanyaShanyaShanya
Trade Hunter to Nashville the way he's acting like a predator
↪️ Lucilya105
I can only apologise for the sins I've committed in his name for money, I met him once and he was really nice
↪️ ShanyaShanyaShanya
WAIT WHAT???
-o-
If the chairs at DFW airport were any more uncomfortable, Luca would have had to report a lower body injury before even being drafted.
He'd been sat in immigration for hours. Breslin and Stucki had gone through without much of a hitch, but for some reason Texas had taken offense to Haas. In pride month, no less. Ordinarily he would have chalked it up to bad luck and settled in for some light pre-downloaded reading, but now he couldn't think about anything other than his suitcase.
His suitcase that was still sat behind the immigration desk. His suitcase that he took to Noah's house for a pre draft celebration three nights ago. His suitcase that he didn't remember emptying all the way before packing in a rush for Dallas.
Surely. Surely he wouldn't have brought a dildo to the draft of one of the most homophobic sports in one of the most homophobic places in the world. He took it out and put it away safe at the back of his bedside drawer in Switzerland and just… doesn't remember. Surely.
Because it wasn't a small item, exactly, Luca thought. The blush wasn't helping his already nervous demeanour, sweating bullets bolt upright on the edge of his lino chair. It was the sort of thing people did right before being deported, he thought - making themselves sick with panic before being thrown onto the next flight back to Europe for being some sort of degenerate gay sex freak.
He was overthinking it. The worst case scenario was that his visa would be revoked and they'd check his bag and find all eight inches of vibrating silicone, look him in the eye just long enough to pass on their judgement and disgust before getting him on a flight out of there. But for eighteen year old Luca, the shame might just kill him.
A border agent with a slickback bun and the whitest teeth Haas had ever seen grabbed the handle of his case.
Oh no.
She wheeled the offending item to him and gave him a blinding smile.
“That's all sorted now, sweetie. Welcome to Dallas.”
-o-
Notes:
Holy fucking shit you guys I'd usually be more polite in the author's notes but I JUST got out of border control. I think I almost got deported?? But they didn't find the MASSIVE dildo I had in my suitcase so a win ig
Anyway here's chapter 17 of ‘Canada's good boy (and I tell him all the time)’. Originally there was a dildo featured at the end of the chapter but I edited it out because I'm still scarred. If you’re disappointed, go blame TSA.
Comments:
Pipsqueeeeeeek
Filing an official complaint on the TSA website as we speak
↪️ Lucilya105
Thanks I thought I was going to cowboy jail there for a moment
↪️ Pipsqueeeeeeek
Don't lie you'd love that
Highstickmydick
Why were you travelling with a dildo? Did you learn nothing from chapter 12 of Penalty box (Give me more than ten minutes)??
↪️ Lucilya105
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT 😭
8124_Luvr
Lucille please. Your ass is too phat and your hole too greedy. They'll kill you
↪️ Lucilya105
MACY
Harvegg
This was so cute!! I love how their relationship is unfolding 🥰
Are you ok though? I've only been reading hockey rpf for a few months and you've been hit the hardest I've seen by the ao3 author's curse
↪️ Lucilya105
Thank you! Haha don't worry I'm not cursed, I always put my socks on in the right order and hide a tiny printout of Marlene Dietrich in my stick tape so I'll be fine :)
↪️ 8124_Luvr
Call him Pharaoh the way he's in denial
-o-
The next time couldn't have been a curse. It didn't even have anything to do with him! It was a misunderstanding, even if it still meant his next chapter was delayed. Luca had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That's what he told himself in the holding cell.
Notes:
So sorry guys, here's chapter 14 of ‘Icing him out (melt me like a fever)’. I hope you enjoy it more than I enjoyed my weekend! Spent 8 hours in jail :) and if I don't update ‘Stick tape and hole gape’ by Friday then go to my Kofi to start raising bail money.
I think I'm actually going to rename that fic. I came up with it while drunk and spent those 8 hours worried that it would be my legacy on this world.
Comments:
RaRaRozanov
I don't even know where to start with this one
↪️ Lucilya105
Wrong place wrong time 💔
ShanyaShanyaShanya
OBSESSED with this update but out of interest what the hell were you arrested for? Omegaverse filth? Slander? Gay thoughts?
↪️ Lucilya105
There was a bar fight and the police took everyone in :( I couldn't convince them I wasn't part of it until they got the CCTV footage so ya boi got a private room with no view
↪️ ShanyaShanyaShanya
Oh shit! If you're in the Toronto area I'm actually an attorney if you need any help!
↪️ Lucilya105
IS THAT HOW YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ME FOR HOLLANOV SHIBARI???
Queefmybeef
That's so crazy! If this was in Winnipeg it might have been the same bar that the Centaurs rookies were wrongly arrested in a few days ago - did you see them?
↪️ Lucilya105
Omg no this was on the complete other side of the world so I hadn't heard anything about it but what a weird coincidence!
↪️ Lucilya105
It wasn't even this weekend just gone it was the weekend before I mixed my dates up
Ottowa24
Long time lurker, I enjoyed the new chapter :) my mom might have some links I could send you depending on where you were arrested? Something similar happened to colleagues of my partner once, I'm really sorry it happened to you
↪️ Lucilya105
Ah no worries one of my coworkers sent someone helpful stuff over, thank you though!
-o-
Months later, hurtling through the air and trying to wipe away his panicked tears enough to text his loved ones, Luca Haas accepted that he might have fallen victim to the curse.
He was gasping around startled hiccups for air, shaking as he looked around the cabin for reassurance from any of his equally frantic teammates. Most had their eyes shut, or heads lowered as if in prayer. Luca braced himself and pretended he wasn't wiping snot and tears on his hoodie.
Would anyone find out? Or would he be too burned up to tell what he'd been wearing at all? He fought to cast the thought away, fishing for anything else to think about.
His ao3 would never be updated again. He kind of wished he'd left his login details with a friend in case of emergency. Was that the sort of thing you could put in a will? People would wonder what happened to him. He hoped people would wonder, that behind the kudos and comments, someone cared enough to miss him that only knew the bits of himself he kept closest to his chest.
Shit. He never did change the name of Stick tape and hole gape. Would people put the dots together? Because if his mother ever-
The shock of the landing gear making contact with the ground threw everything out of his mind other than cool, sweet relief.
Notes:
Hey I'm going to keep this brief because I'm still shaking but I was in a vehicle accident and wasn't sure if I was going to make it for a bit. Updates are probably going to be a bit slow, or stop for a short hiatus.
I'm physically fine, but just thought I'd let you know that this might be the last chapter update for a while.
Sorry.
-latest victim of the Ao3 author's curse
Comments:
RaRaRozanov
I'm so sorry Luci, hope things get easier soon. Take all the time you need, your wellbeing comes first.
8124_Luvr
My thoughts are with you sweetie, if you every want to talk about ANYTHING I have no respect for timezones or sleep patterns so I'm here xx
Tenemptynets
We've got a lot of content to reread! You take care of yourself ❤️ you're a real treasure Luci
ShanyaShanyaShanya
Lucille, I'm obsessed with every Hollanov crumb you've put out (heh) and I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if this is your last update you brought so much joy to the fandom, wishing you all the best!
ScottCunter2121
The lord keeps trying to nerf you in your prime, but you keep slaying <3 thanking you for writing Hunter as even sexier and gayer than he probably is in real life feels out of place, so I'll just say that I have a really shit job. And the best part of my morning is the half hour on the train I spend reading fic, so thank you for uplifting me and being such a special part of this corner of the Internet <3
Shortendofthehockeystick
Take a break! Whether you come back or not, we're behind you regardless. You're the reason I passed English class, even if I did have to make up and excuse for my teacher for why I knew the word ‘throbbing’.
-o-
Luca was going to have permanent indentations of his palms over his eyes before their flight back to Ottowa. It didn't help that he had to take off his glasses to do it, then suffer even blurrier vision from the pressure while he tried to find them again. Hazy had called him Velma the night before.
The horrible hangover he was nursing didn't help. The rookies couldn't drink at the bar in the US but had been generously supplied by the rest of the Centaurs. Apparently at some point in the night Haas had decided to sleep in the bathtub.
“Don't pop those eyes of yours, rook. We need them on the ice.” Wiebe took a seat next to him on the reception sofa. The rest of the team were scattered across the lobby, waiting for the bus to pull around.
“They weren't much use last game.”
“None of us were, Haasy. How are you holding up?”
Luca shoved his glasses back on, fiddling with them for a minute. The frame pressed against the quick of a bitten down nail and he flinched. “I don't really want to get on another plane, that's for sure.”
“We all have to. Doctor's orders.” Ilya and Wyatt slid into a large armchair opposite the sofa. Or at least Hazy did; Roz seemed content to perch against one arm. “My- a friend told me that it's like being in a minor car accident, or falling off a bike as a kid. You have to get back into it as soon as possible so that the fear does not build.” Rozanov spoke a little louder than necessary, perhaps for the rest of the team's benefit.
“Maybe I should take a later flight.” Said Haas. “Or an earlier one.”
“No. We won't let you.” Roz shook his head. “You're getting on the same plane even if I have to drag you. I can easily throw around a 200 pound athlete.”
And didn't it just sum up how he felt, that Luca couldn't even think about the insinuation, even if it was accidental. He let out a shaky breath.
“I think I'm cursed.”
“Like Indiana Jones style?” Wyatt whispered.
“Ah, no. You are not cursed, tiny rookie. I would know, Russians can sense it.” Ilya threw himself at the unoccupied end of the sofa.
Wiebe seemed to consider his next words carefully, “Kid… what makes you say that? An emergency landing could have happened to anyone, we were unlucky, sure, but that's got nothing to do with this team and everything to do with dodgy weather patterns and shitty American engineering.”
“No, me in particular.” Luca felt like he was telling his parents about a broken vase. “There's this website. And there's this… theory that people who post on it tend to be unluckier than normal. Not really a theory, more of an inside joke.”
They all let that sit for a minute.
“Is this…” Coach Wiebe started, “like one of those dare apps, or dark web shit?”
“No, no no - it's just a regular media site. Pretty mainstream in some circles. Nothing too,” every tag accompanying ‘dead dove: do not eat’ flashed through his mind, “weird.”
“Oh,” said Wyatt, “Ao3?”
“What is Ao3?”
Luca didn't know whether to be relieved that Roz didn't know, or terrified that he wanted to find out.
“Not important. But I used to get injured more than other kids-”
“It's hockey.” Wiebe interjected.
“-and I keep getting held up at airports-”
“You want to talk about being held up at TSA? Hey, Bood! Come over here,” Imya shouted from cupped hands, “he cannot bring his own toothbrush from one state to another without some mouthbreather asking questions.”
“-and I got arrested that one time.”
“Which was a mistake and a serious error on behalf of the Winnipeg police, who had to issue an apology.” Hazy pointed out.
“Our plane came down.” said Luca.
“Well, I was on that plane and I don't even know what Ao3 is.” Ilya replied. “I'm sure I can find out on the bus, though.” He slapped Luca's knee as he stood up and grabbed his bags. The rest of the team followed.
“Hey.” Wyatt was still hanging around, assessing him. “You didn't happen to post Sonic the Hedgehog stuff, did you?”
Haas blinked at him for a few seconds. “No.”
“Bummer.” Hazy didn't seem too phased as they made their way out of the lobby. “Lisa sent me this wack ass Shadow x Sonic 500k unfinished fic and I really want to know what the fuck the author was smoking.”
Luca laughed nervously, “Yeah, I suppose Shadow and Sonic getting together is pretty weird.”
“Oh, no. That was fine. The chapter 40 Hamilton crossover where Dr Eggman turns out to be Thomas Jefferson's brother, though- that was where things started to get a bit odd.”
“...ah.”
“Yeah. It's tagged happy ending but I think the only way any of it ends happily is if I stop reading it.” Wyatt sniffed.
“Fair enough. How come you're still reading it?”
“It's really well written.”
Comments:
Suckmyshutout
Fab writing, dude but I have GOT to ask you what the fuck is going on at home to come up with this. I was with you when Amy joined the wrong side of the civil war. I stuck by when Shadow became a Jedi knight. But now you're ignoring ALL canon chaos emerald physics to enable Dr Eggman's mother to be a half mermaid? PLEASE either block me from reading this fic or give me your dealer's number because I've started thinking about this at work.
↪️ SvetaWetta
:)