Chapter Text
“I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway”- My Body is a Cage
•••
If asked, he would say he didn't know how it started. He didn't notice the slip from sneaking extra cookies from the jar to shuffling half eaten meals into the dog's bowl. Waiting for his brother to be distracted so he could spoon cut up bits of chicken onto his plate. “It was a gradual process,” he'd say. “I had no idea it was even happening.”
But that wasn't true was it?
No, he knew from the start exactly what he was doing. He remembered it more clearly than anything else, not that that was saying much. His mind had never really been clear, per se. Not like-
Abel, Abel, Abel.
Caine and Abel were identical twins, Caine being born mere minutes before his brother. Despite this, Abel easily fell into the ‘older brother' role. His confidence far exceeded Caine's own, and he knew it well. It wasn't unearned either. Abel was absolutely amazing at anything he put his mind to! He breezed through school, made friends with people he'd only just met, and even managed to play a few sports on the side. Baseball had been his favorite.
Caine would kill to be anything like him. He wasn't as smart. Didn't seem to get along with his classmates very well. And his athletic abilities? Laughable. He kept trying, though, believing that one day he'd find something he could actually be good at.
Well. He'd found something.
He remembered being forced into a health class with a bunch of rowdy middle schoolers while an informational video played for them. He didn't plan on paying attention. Not until something caught his eye.
The video had shifted into the topic of mental health, something Caine himself was already oh so familiar with. He cringed through the self harm segment, pulling his long sleeves over his hands as if that could cover his shame.
Then the topic changed again. There was a small, sickly looking girl on screen with some kind of medical tubing running up her nose. Her mother was barely holding back tears as she talked about how her daughter wouldn't eat anything and had gotten so skinny they had no choice but to bring her to the emergency room.
Caine couldn't help but be enthralled! People were moving around the screen, doting on the small girl. They offered a slice of cake that made his mouth water, but she held firmly in her resolve. It was fascinating.
That was all it took for the seed to be sown. Some crisis lines popped up on screen, but his mind had already wandered elsewhere.
Anorexia, huh?
He could do that. He was already familiar with harming himself so how much different could this be? It couldn't be that hard. He could lose enough weight that everyone would finally start to actually see him in the way he wanted them to!
No more Abel, Abel, Abel.
Now was the time for Caine, Caine, CAINE!
Everything would finally be right in his world! He could hardly wait!
•••
“I’m manifesting love and fate
I am a man and I confess I'm fake
When I go hungry, I go nail and tooth
When I go hungry, I go hungry
I go hungry for the truth”- I Go Hungry
•••
Admittedly… this was harder than expected. Turns out being hungry all the time was not exactly a pleasant experience. So, like any young teen in the early 2010s, he found his way online and opened up a whole new world of possibilities.
There was a lot of discussion about bmi so he quickly calculated his and decided that his perfect weight was inarguably 100 pounds. It was a nice, round number, and he probably wasn't too far off from it yet. His short stature meant that 100 pounds was less impressive on him than some of the other people he'd met online, but his growth spurt was coming soon, okay?
Regardless, it was a good goal to have.
He pooled his birthday money (and, yeah, might have taken a few measly dollars from Abel's stash, but he'd never know! Caine needed it more than he did anyway) and walked to the nearby store to pick up some of the items he'd been told he needed. Most notably a gray colored scale which he tucked in the far corner of one of his drawers and prayed to God that Abel would not try to snoop. The last thing he needed was a tattletale. Not that it mattered yet anyway.
He settled back onto his bed and ignored the pounding that was steadily building in his head as he heard Abel return from practice and barge into their room. He chucked an empty can at Caine's head.
“Hey, ow! What was that for?”
Abel shrugged and threw his bag down on the floor. Caine nearly picked up the can and threw it back at him but he settled on placing it on his nightstand instead. He didn't have the energy for this right now. Abel looked at him quizzically.
“What?”
Abel shook his head. “You're being weird.”
“Thanks…” Caine mumbled. Abel opened his mouth to say something else, but Caine turned away before he could and pulled his blanket over his body. Abel stood for a moment assessing him before turning the light off and stepping outside.
His mother caught him on his way out.
“Pasta for dinner tonight.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead. Abel gagged dramatically and waved her away.
“Mommmm!” He whined. She laughed.
“Go on and take your shower. It'll be ready when you're done.”
•••
“And it's all the subtle change in landscape and business
Reminds you of your limited time
This time you're listening to the movement of your body
How it keeps on despite you
And it frightens you
Cause you're barely alive”- Jenny, You're Barely Alive
••
Finally after nearly 4 months of fighting against his own body(and mind), he'd done it.
Double digits.
Hooray!
Wasn't he… supposed to feel better now?
He was sick now, wasn't he?
He certainly felt it. He felt dizzy most of the time and couldn't seem to shake this exhaustion despite the fact that he would crawl into bed right after school and not wake up until it was time to get ready to do it all over again. Winter was subsiding now, but he couldn't seem to shake the cold from his bones.
But every time he caught a glance of himself in the mirror, he only felt more and more uncertain. He wasn't nearly as small as that girl had been. How much more did he need to lose until he looked like her? 5? 10? 25?
Surely he was getting close. He'd look the part soon. He would.
He could try harder. Come up with more excuses to skip dinner and volunteer to walk the dog as often as possible. Maybe he could get Abel to give him some tips in the exercise department? That could certainly bridge this weird gap that had formed between them recently.
Well if he was going to take this further, he wanted to make sure the reveal was as dramatic as possible! He'd keep wearing his winter clothes even as it warmed up so that they couldn't see his body. That way they'd be so shocked when they finally realized what was happening.
(And definitely not because the idea of anyone seeing him like this made him feel sick to his stomach, no, no, no- he was normal about this! Drama! Reveal! Yes!)
“Where are you going?” His hand paused above the handle to the front door. He turned around (too fast- the world was spinning-) to see Abel fidgeting nervously in the hallway.
“Just going for a walk.” He mustered up the biggest grin possible.
“Will you have dinner with us?”
“I'll… get something while I'm out.”
“Caine…”
“Hm?”
“Are you okay?” Caine froze, smile momentarily faltering before he shook his head, slower this time, and the smile was back.
“Of course.”
“You just… I don't know. You seem, like, sad. Is-”
“You worry too much, Blue! I'm okay! Just, uh- hormones? Or whatever. Growing boy and whatnot!”
“That's what mom said too…” Abel seemed to consider this for a moment. “Okay, well, you know you can tell me anything, right? I feel like we never talk anymore.”
“I don't know what you're talking about.” Caine turned away and let the smile fall away again as he opened the door.
“Cai-”
“Don't wait up.” He swiftly stepped outside. And he definitely did not cry. Because he was not sad. Not even a little bit.
•••
“I'm so out of breath, ungraceful
I'm always running now
Can't stop chasing
There's something inside me that doesn't exist yet
I'll need to be aerodynamic to catch it”- Stop Eating
•••
He was hunched over the toilet again, arms clutching at his aching gut. He didn't even do it on purpose this time- he just felt so nauseous and he couldn't help it. Tears were streaming down his face as he struggled to get up the last of his dinner. He fought against himself to keep quiet. He couldn't let Abel find out. Not now. Not when he was so, so close.
Because 5 pounds had given way to 10, and then 10 to 15, and then…
Well. It didn't matter.
He wasn't REALLY sick. He was obviously just making all of this up for attention! After all, he had given himself an eating disorder on purpose! That was bad. He shouldn't pretend to have such a horrible disease when there were real people out there who really struggled with this stuff. Teenage girls who died in hospitals because they just couldn't eat.
Caine could eat! He was just choosing not to! That was different wasn't it? True sick people couldn't help but be sick. He was forcing it. Therefore, nothing was wrong and he was totally fine.
Sure, his vision seemed to keep cutting out and he had a pretty purple bruise brewing on his arm from when he fainted earlier- but that was all normal. He was faking it.
He was faking it.
He was faking it.
He was faking it.
He was faking it-
Abel was knocking on the door again.
“Caine, I'm serious- if you don't come out here right now I will force my way in and you're not going to like that, I can tell you that much!”
Caine groaned and flushed the toilet. “Okay, okay!” He stumbled to the sink and rinsed his mouth out with the cool tap water.
“Caine!”
“I'm coming, Jesus! Give me a second-”
He threw the door open. Abel was standing on the other side, tears brimming in his eyes. Something twisted inside of Caine, but he couldn't let it show.
“Now what was so important-”
Abel cut him off by pulling him into a hug. He felt tears start to sting at his own eyes, so he pulled away quickly.
“You're so clingy!” He spat. “Can you leave me alone for five seconds?”
“Why won't you tell me what's wrong?” Abel’s voice was shaky and uncertain, something that Caine wasn't used to. It made him pause. “Well…?” Caine stiffened.
“It's none of your business.”
“... I'm scared, Red… I've been trying to tell mom and dad that something isn't right but they're not listening-”
“Oh, and you think they'll listen to me? And not their little ‘golden child’?” Caine's voice took on a mocking tone. “Well news flash-”
“I don't want you to die!” Abel reached out and pushed up one of Caine's sleeves. Abel… didn't look shocked. How did he know? Caine thought he was doing a decent job of hiding his blades, but maybe not. “You think I don't see this? That you're dying?! ‘Well news flash’- I've seen it the whole time! You're… I can't- I don't want to lose you, okay?!” oh. He wasn't even talking about the cuts.
Caine trembled. “I'm not dying.”
“You're in denial! God you must weigh like 90 pounds-”
“Less.”
“What?”
“I haven't weighed 90 in like 2 months.” He whispered.
“How… much less?”
“78.3 as of this morning.” Abel’s jaw fell.
“70- oh my God- I-”
“It's not that big of a deal! I can get to 75 no problem-”
Abel’s soft cries turned into sobs.
“Abel…?”
“And when were you planning on stopping? At 70? At 65? Were you just planning on quietly killing yourself this whole time?!”
“You wouldn't understand!”
“You won't let me!”
“You can't! You can't possibly know what it's like! I wish I was dead every fucking day-”
“And you think I don't?”
“...what?”
“You've been so caught up in whatever the hell it is you're doing that you didn't even notice I've been hurting too! You're all I have and I needed you and- and you weren't there! I can't- I'm… sorry. I shouldn't blame you. It's not your fault.” Abel sat down on his bed and held his head in his hands.
“I… didn't know you felt that way.”
“Don't worry about it.” Caine chewed his lip for a moment before walking over and settling himself next to his twin.
“Can we lay together? Like when we were little?” Abel looked up, a flicker of hope shining in his eyes as he nodded. Caine eagerly climbed up and they laid face to face, legs intertwining and foreheads touching. Abel stroked his brother's sunken cheeks.
“Please don't leave me…” he whispered. “I don't know what to do without you.”
Caine nodded.
“Okay.”
“Okay…”
•••
“And it's okay, I've done this tons of times
Well, maybe once a year since I was very young
It will be fine, okay, I do this all the time
And nothing could go wrong, unless that's what you like”- Aurora Borealis
•••
“There's something wrong with me, mom…”
She froze.
“Don't be silly, Caine. You're okay. You'll outgrow this teenage angst soon enough.”
“Abel is like 3 inches taller than me.”
“Abel has always been a bit taller than you, baby. You'll hit your growth spurt soon enough.”
“I cut myself.” He rolled up his sleeves and presented his bare arms to her.
“Caine. I know you want attention but this is just ridiculous! Quit being dramatic.” She turned away.
“Okay… sorry, mom.”
He stood up and walked back to his room. Abel was still laying in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
“Did you talk to mom?” He croaked.
“She thinks I'm doing it for attention.”
“Bullshit…” he rubbed his face.
“I am, though. I'm doing it for attention.”
“If you were doing it for attention then why would you hide it?”
“... Do you really think I'm gonna die?”
Abel sat up and nodded slowly. He drew his knees up towards his body. “I think you'll die and nobody will even care. And then I'll be alone and nobody will care about that either.”
“I don't want to leave you here alone…” Caine walked across the room and pulled open a drawer. He rifled through it until he found what he was looking for and held it up to Abel.
“Is that…?”
“I stole these pills from a kid at school. This way you won't be alone.” He lowered his hand. “If you want…”
“You… you want me to take those?”
“Just- forget about it- it's stupid -”
“No!” He shouted, pulling himself to his feet. “I mean- I want to. I don't… I can't live without you…” his voice trailed off into a whisper. Caine crossed the room again and pressed the bottle into Abel's hand.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”