Chapter Text
“This… I can’t.”
“Hollander-”
“I can’t do this.”
“Hollander.”
Shane shifted nervously, his eyes darting around the room.
“I’m sorry.”
With just those two words, Shane left Ilya sitting on the couch. Alone.
Ilya thought of himself as a strong person. Cold and unfeeling, unbothered by the things that other people would’ve been hurt by. He wasn’t bothered by Shane practically jumping off his lap and running out the door just to get away from him. He was raised to know better than to let his emotions overtake him. He was a man. A Rozanov.
He was stronger than that.
~~~
Ilya was fairly online. He wasn’t particularly close to any of his teammates, nor to any of the people that considered him as a friend. Shane was the only person that knew that much about him, and even then, he didn’t know Ilya.
The one way that he thought he could remedy his loneliness without actually making himself known was through social media. Online, he wasn’t Ilya Rozanov, the menace of the Boston Raiders. He was Зайчик. His mother always called him her Зайчик.
Truthfully, he first made his twitter account to stalk his fanbase (and Shane), but ever since Shane left him for Rose Landry, he’d been using it to find something he could cling to and call a community. He wasn’t exactly sure how he did it, but Ilya had managed to find himself on a corner of Twitter that was fairly… gay. And sad. He felt so silly at how much he fit in. He made a few mutuals and deprived the most joy he had felt in ages through talking to them. They weren’t sporty people either, so he didn’t have to worry about having to hear anything hockey- or Shane Hollander- talk from them.
Neither of them knew Russian either, so Ilya just told them to call him “illy.” It’s not like they’d connect the dots, so he wasn’t exactly concerned with them knowing three-fourths of his name.
Conversations with those two felt nice. Just nice. Nobody idolized him or treated him differently. Nobody was hyper-focused on him. There was no underlying stress in talking to these random strangers on the internet.
“Shit,” Ilya thought. “My only friends are Twitter people.”
The Pathetic Ones
11:23pm
m4riee
@The Pathetic Ones wait guys remind me what r ur favorite albums? js realized i don’t really know what u guys listen to lolol
Зайчик
abba.
C0rey!
Really? You don’t seem like an ABBA typa guy haha
Зайчик
they were popular in russia. my mother liked abba, so is my favorite.
m4riee
AWWW that’s so cute illy
wait does that mean u only listen to abba
like just abba nothing else
Зайчик
no? maybe? not sure. i don’t listen to music much. is rare for me.
C0rey!
Damn man you’re missing out
Marie and I are gonna have to give you recommendations cuz that’s sad
I listened to a pretty great album recently by Mitski. I dunno if you’ll like it or not since you’ve only given us ABBA to work with LMFAO
m4riee
WAIT WAIT WAS IT PUBERTY 2
PLEASE SAY IT WAS IT’S SOOOO GOOOOD
C0rey!
YES
Зайчик
why is there need for second puberty?
m4riee
omg illy shut up
u r listening to this TONIGHT young man
Зайчик
i am older?
m4riee
oh shush
C0rey!
Illy you’re listening to it 2nite
Boom majority vote. You gotta listen to the people
m4riee
I can send u the youtube link but it’s on apple music too :)
Зайчик
ok
Ilya clicked on the link she had sent. He was met with a picture of a woman standing in a field while staring into the camera. Already he felt oddly uncomfortable. He would give the album a try for them.
~~~
Half an hour later, Ilya was utterly destroyed. There was something about every single song that felt like a knife was being lodged in his heart and being twisted. Music shouldn’t be able to make him- a strong and fully grown man- babble like a baby while curled up in his bed.
Who was he kidding? He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t unfeeling or cold. Fuck, he couldn’t even make it past the third song without ugly sobbing.
He really did just want to see Shane one more time. He wished he could give Shane the “pinky promise kisses” that Mitski was talking about. He prayed for some way that the two of them could be together without being scrutinized by all the watching eyes of the public or destroying their reputations they worked so hard to create for themselves.
Ilya wished he could be Shane’s best American Girl.
That would never happen. Not for Ilya. He could never replace Rose.
The Pathetic Ones
12:16am
Зайчик
fuck you both. mean and stupid album. i will never take any suggestions ever again.